How often??

[ProudGrandma]

For those of you who have college kids who go to school far enough away that you only see them at breaks... how often do you connect with them via text, email, phone or other social media ?  I am just trying to see what others do.  Is it different with guys vs girls? Does the year in school make a difference?

Thanks. 

[Starr]

It changed over the years and circumstances. I did find a way to always get a quick text - send a picture of their favorite pet!

[ProudGrandma]

2 minutes ago, Starr said:

It changed over the years and circumstances. I did find a way to always get a quick text - send a picture of their favorite pet!

But how often? Daily? Weekly? 

[Starr]

That would work daily. If things were going well I would here from them every few days. A picture would get at least a heart. 

Edited November 16, 2021 by Starr

[freesia]

My oldest ds is a senior. We communicate mainly by text. We often text daily, but several days can also go by without any. He usually initiates.  I’m not sure year in school has mattered that much in terms of frequency—more in terms of topic. He needs less emotional support now. We FaceTime a couple of times a semester. I initiate those. 
 

Dd is a freshman. She told me not to expect her to text as much as her brother. But she totally does. So, multiple days a week but several days might go by without anything and then a string of daily text chats. She also asks to FaceTime every Sunday. 

[Ali in OR]

My kids don't initiate contact much. And we're trying not to hover over them. But we try to check in at least with a text every week or two. Eager to see them over Thanksgiving.

[freesia]

If you are asking how often I would reach out if they didn’t contact me, probably weekly I’d send a text if some kind. 

[ProudGrandma]

So,  I could add this to my question.... do you initiate the contact or do you wait for them to contact you? 

[Selkie]

I have three kids in college. My boys are juniors and my dd is a freshman. We communicate a lot. They each call home 2-3x a week. They initiate phone calls- dh and I rarely call them because they’re busy and we don’t want to interrupt. We all text back and forth on a daily basis, just stuff like funny news stories and pet photos and things like that. 

[Serenade]

I text daily with my older son who is almost 5 hours away.  Sometimes he initiates it, and sometimes I do.  My younger son has assured me that he will not be texting me as often as his brother does.  LOL!

[Forget-Me-Not]

My oldest is 18 and two states away in college. We text pretty much every day, and I know he texts with DH and his sisters too. Texts are initiated on both sides. We video chat once in a while. He does more with DH lately because they’ve been online together working on his math homework 😄 and sometimes they play an online game together. We’ll also play Jackbox together as a family once in a while. 

Edited November 16, 2021 by Forget-Me-Not

[regentrude]

Dd got in the habit of calling daily when walking to class.

Ds texts every few weeks when he needs something. 

I let the college kids initiate because their schedules are less predictable. I contact DS with action items, he doesn't respond to chitchat

Edited November 16, 2021 by regentrude

[popmom]

I have 3 daughters out of the nest. One calls and texts frequently—like a brief text conversation every day plus at least one lengthy phone conversation per week. She almost always initiates. She’s in grad school, so I don’t call. Other dd can go many days without contact. She lives alone, so that bothers me. Then I’ll shoot her a text—just checking in. Younger dd is undergrad and rarely has any need to communicate with me other than sending me random memes. That’s just how she is. She lives near and sees my grad student dd every day, so I don’t feel like I have to check in. 

Edited November 16, 2021 by popmom

[katilac]

1 hour ago, kfeusse said:

But how often? Daily? Weekly? 

I specifically avoided daily contact, so I wouldn't go into a panic every time I couldn't reach them for 24 hours, lol. 

But if a couple of days went by and I didn't hear from them, I would intentionally text. I sent messages a few times a week for sure. If I wanted proof of lie and they weren't responded, yep, a pet picture. 

[Tap]

DD23 and I have always been very close, but her senior year of high school she started pulling away. She essentially moved out at 18yo right after graduation. She had a bedroom here still, and kept most of her things here at my house, but after graduating, she slept at her boyfriend's home. She came home once a week or so, and switched out clothes or grabbed items from the house, but otherwise she was gone. That year, we talked 1-2 times per week, but honestly, she needed her space to become an adult, firmly on her own feet.  We were still buddies, but her focus was friends and her boyfriend.

She got married at 19yo, and her husband joined the Air Force. She came back home for 6 months and we quickly got close again. When they moved a few states away, we started talking almost daily and it has stayed that way for 3 years. LOL There are times when we are on the phone for hours a day, especially if her husband is away. I don't usually talk to her on the weekends, to give her uninterrupted time with her husband. But we talk once or twice a day most days. 

As I type this, I am chatting with her on the phone as she drives home from work. 🙂 

 

 

[klmama]

I've found it varies tremendously depending on the person. 

One of my dc is very much an out-of-sight, out-of-mind person who didn't communicate with us very often while in college and in the first couple of years of working in another city.  Whenever we finally managed to connect, dc was always happy to talk, sometimes for several hours, but we never developed a routine.  Weeks would often go by before we talked again or even before dc would respond to a text or email.  Now, though, at 24, dc is making the conscious choice to stay in better contact; dc calls and texts us now and has even come home several times in the past few months just to visit.  It's wonderful to be connected again.  

My other adult dc kept in pretty close contact while in college.  The first year dc texted or called almost daily with questions or just to say hi.  As time went on, we'd text or call a few times a week.  That dc is also working in another city now, and while occasionally a week will go by without contact, most weeks we still connect through a couple of text conversations and a phone or Zoom conversation.  

[Laura Corin]

We have a family call once a week and may chat by text between. We set that up after my niece was very homesick at university but didn't feel able to make contact.

[Tree Frog]

It's been different with each child. One of my dd's called frequently. When we wouldn't hear from her for a day or 2, it usually meant she was working through an issue or something happened. We try to offer support without being overbearing or demanding by sending pictures/videos of the dogs or a funny, lighthearted text. My other dd called infrequently. When she started calling frequently, it was usually because she needed a little extra support. I don't worry too much if I don't hear from any of the kids for a week or so because they stay in contact with each other. If we feel it's been awhile, we'll text them, but frequently we don't get a response for a few days. 

[teachermom2834]

It varies. I have three boys that have gone off to college. Two are graduated and are young adults in different states.
 

The middle one required the most emotional support and encouragement and also is the one we fretted about the most if we didn’t hear from. If we didn’t hear from him for a couple days we would initiate some kind of contact just to get proof of life. 
 

We have a family group text and sometimes Dh or I will send out something funny or interesting just to see if we can get them to bite and get some kind of contact. College football season is the best. I know I’m going to hear from all of them all day chatting about games. 
 

With my second I often said I wished we had started out with a routine weekly call to check in. But we didn’t want to hover or put that demand on them. I wished I had with my second established that from the beginning but I suspect that would have been a source of frustration if he forgot/failed to deliver the expected call. So I don’t know. 
 

Definitely more than once a week. Sometimes daily but as another poster said, that sets you up to worry if you miss a day. With the one I worried most about I did find the daily expectation a bit stressful and it was better to not expect that. 

[Carrie12345]

My kids aren’t currently in college, but one lives many states away and another lives 30-40 minutes away.

My oldest wants more phone calls. I’m sad that I find that challenging, but I aim to call once every 1-2 weeks, he calls about as often, and we send texts/memes/TikToks more frequently, sometimes daily.
Second oldest and I probably talk on the phone every 3-4 weeks or so, but we also see each other a couple times a month and text/meme/TikTok most days.
There is a family group chat that we all use, but it also annoys all of us, since we have huge varieties in our schedules. It’s mostly fine until 3-4 out of the 5 of us adults are rapidly responding while someone is trying to sleep/work/drive/teach/whatever and gets torn between ignoring it and dying to know what the heck is going on. (And we’re weird and silly, so it’s usually nothing worth waking up for, lol.)

My kids are more prone to getting upset than dh and I do if texts go unanswered for long.
Though, I am known to send “Proof of life within 30” if I feel like I should have heard from someone. (Including dh and dd who lives at home.)

None of us usually need much deep or detailed phone conversation, but we all want to know that we’re being thought of and to let each other know we’re thinking of them.

[hshibley]

It varies by kid. We have dd27 dd25 dd23 dd20 ds16 and dd9. Dd20 is currently away at college. We have a family group chat that’s pretty active and we play a mmo weekly as a family while chatting on discord. My current college student participates in the mmo discord group pretty regularly. To be honest it why we picked that particular mmo to play. She FaceTimes with her youngest sister about once a week. 

[Elizabeth86]

I’ve called my mom every single day since I moved out. 😄

[Melissa Louise]

Girl. Messenger. Most days. Random times of day. 

[Pawz4me]

When our boys were in college they were authorized users on one of our credit cards, and were supposed to use it for all their needs. So we could pretty much keep up with them, at least to make sure they were basically okay, by watching their transactions. Usually I'd text at least once a week if I hadn't heard from them. They're both sports fans, so if nothing else DH or I would reach out about their schools' football or basketball game, etc.

[Guest]

My son is a senior, attending an in-state uni less than an hour away. However, this does not mean he regularly makes the drive home, though he could. (For one thing, the expense of gas is a deterrent at the moment. Around campus he uses a skateboard when he can.)   He comes home on average once a month. 
 

We have a family text chain. He infrequently puts a topic in there - maybe once every two or three months, but he will respond when one of us posts. I agree that pets are a good connection point. He probably participated around once a week to two weeks. 
 

In our family, my dd is much more of a connector than either of my boys, but I don’t think that’s always the case. When she was in France, she texted me almost every day and FT’d me every few weeks. 
 

 

[MEmama]

DS is in his first year at university overseas. I hear from him almost every day— sometimes he’ll send a funny Reddit photo or he’ll take a photo of whatever he’s doing (walking to class, at a pub in the city, holiday lights). Sometimes we will end up chatting (texting) for an hour, sometimes it’s just quick. If a couple days go by without him reaching out, I’ll send a photo of the kitties and that always gets his attention. 🙂 

I feel so fortunate that we have this ability to keep in regular contact. And because it’s texting, there’s no expectation to get more personal or share more than he wants to, and if one of us doesn’t respond right away it’s not a big deal. 
 

 

[HomeAgain]

DS22 is in the military.  We talk about weekly, sometimes more, sometimes less while he's gone right now.  Same when he was in college.  He also finds time in his schedule to do things like watch his brother's hockey games (they're broadcast on a pay-to-watch system).

[Kassia]

Technology makes it so much easier to keep in touch!  

Ds1 - (almost 31 yo)  we talk once a week and have done so since he started college.  Other than that, sometimes we snapchat, text, or email if something is going on or we want to share something.

Ds2 - (27) - we talk a few times a month with frequent snapchats, quick texts, and quick emails.  He is super busy - works hard/plays hard and is rarely at his apartment.  When he was in college we talked about the same I think.

Ds3 (27 - twin - Aspie) he doesn't like talking on the phone, but we communicate regularly on discord, sometimes text/email/snapchat but mostly discord.  He communicates with DH pretty much every day since they have a lot in common.  I communicate with him a few times a week.  Same with when he was in college but no discord then - we used Facebook messenger I think.

Dd (19) - she doesn't like talking on the phone either.  We use discord to talk every day, usually several times a day depending on how busy she is.  We have a long snapchat streak and sometimes text but mostly discord.  

 

My kids have a group discord and also text each other regularly.  They are all very close.  

 

Edited November 16, 2021 by Kassia

[marbel]

One kid stayed in close touch, sending random photos pretty regularly and texting back and forth. The other was much less in touch, and I checked in by text every couple of weeks. We did ask that one to respond to texts within 2 days so we wouldn't worry.  Neither of them like talking on the phone so we didn't expect much in the way of calls.  We also have a family text group which we use sporadically to send photos, articles, dog videos, etc.

[ktgrok]

That's going to vary so much on personality, more than anything. I say that because of how different my sister and I were (and are!). I would contact my parents once every few weeks...or rather they would contact me, lol. But my sister would talk to my mom daily, often several times a day, and still does that to this day. And I still don't, lol. 

[lmrich]

One dd likes a daily text or phone call. She has always needed more of me than the others. 

Middle dd - two or three times a week if we have something to share but no pressure. She has always been independent but has always enjoyed sharing her day with me. 

oldest son - he could go weeks without contacting us. I text or call once a week and invite him for dinner once a week. He was fiercly indendent and never like to talk about his day as a kid. 

[Faith-manor]

10 hours ago, kfeusse said:

For those of you who have college kids who go to school far enough away that you only see them at breaks... how often do you connect with them via text, email, phone or other social media ?  I am just trying to see what others do.  Is it different with guys vs girls? Does the year in school make a difference?

Thanks. 

My boys are not great communicators so we had an agreement to do a once a week text check-in, and once a month phone chat. They actually texted me about every three days and often want photos of their dog, Lewis, LOL. Even my two in grad school still check in. So that is cool!

My kids don't do Facebook or other social media. They are weary of the drama. Occasionally we get an email from them if what they need to tell us is long...LOL..."My books are very expensive this semester. Here is the list. HELP!! ❤" Something like that.

[gardenmom5]

cell phones were just becoming "a thing".  By the end they had cells.  at least once a week (especially when 1dd only had a landline), sometimes more. they how often depended what was going on.  Sometimes daily.

if I hadn't heard from them for awhile - I'd send a text/vm/email that it was polite to let your parents know they're alive.   even just a brief check-in.  especially 2dd would get busy.

[catz]

My son's first year it was almost daily.  Last year he was back and forth a lot and when he was on campus he didn't have much to do.  So we still heard from him many days he was on campus.  I use the pet picture often as a prompt!  🙂  This year he is much busier and he's more established and confident and has a nice group of roomies, etc.  So I probably end up texting him 2-3 times a week on average and we try to have a family skype call once a week but on weeks my teen has been busy at home, it's gotten pushed around a little because there are some nights he cannot.  

[Bambam]

I have two. And it varied. I did ask one to text me every night when she got in the dorm for the evening. I think I did that for a couple of weeks, and then I said don't worry about it anymore. 

We have two different methods of communication. We have a FB chat group that includes our immediate family + grandmother (only living grandparent). We use that for general conversations (pictures of cat, pictures of fall color here, picture of a shed snakeskin I found weeding, account of something funny or something great, etc). I also have FB chats with each child - that is for non-important stuff (like notification we got the insurance bill and your portion is $XX, letting them know I saw a friend who asked about them, or random things). It is understood you can respond when you get time for this.  We also text (Dad doesn't, but I do) - this is for important stuff that we need action on (update to when you are leaving to head somewhere far away, when you got there, you are sick, etc). 

For one, the first year or two, we had regular daily, sometimes multiple times/day messages. For the other, she wasn't as communicative, so maybe a couple of messages a week. 

Sometimes contact is initiated by them, sometimes by us. And it does change over the  years, gets less and less. Sometimes I go looking for something to share - an article I think they will be interested in, a FB memory, a picture of what our yard looks like today, update re a friend. 

I'm trying to convince non-regular-communicator child to set up a weekly phone call. Regular day/time that is convenient to everyone. Call doesn't have to be long, just keep in touch. She is very busy, so we haven't found any time that regularly works. We miss hearing her voice. 

[Corraleno]

I think this is really a function of each kid's personality as well as their living situation. DD takes classes at the CC and lives 10 minutes away, and I rarely get a text from her unless she needs something. DS is a senior at a university 2400 miles away, and I hear from him pretty much every day, often multiple times a day. Also, DD lives with her boyfriend while DS lives alone, so sometimes he just wants to call and put the phone on speaker so he can chat while he cooks dinner or something, which he would probably not do if he had roommates.

[teachermom2834]

Another couple thoughts on the subject- I have a lot of experience 🙂

1) As a family we generally prefer texting over phone calls. That is fine but one particular child comes across as more stressed or distracted or whatever in text than he really is. I will think he is super stressed and then I’d see him on FaceTime with a sibling and see he is fine or I talk to him on the phone and I get a different impression. For that particular child I really felt like speaking on the phone or seeing him on FaceTime was important for my peace of mind. 
 

2) One child had to be taught not to “dump and run”. He would send me a text along the lines of “I failed my test and my girlfriend dumped me and I just don’t know what to do.” We’d exchange texts and I’d leave the situation feeling like crap and so worried about him. He would feel better after dumping all that and go off and feel better. So I’m fretting over him and his state of mind while he is playing basketball or hanging out with friends feeling just fine. Then I might not hear from him again until he had to vent some other angst. It took me awhile to figure out this pattern. Once I did he had to be explicitly told how rude and upsetting that mode of communication was. He could always text me his problems but he also had to follow up when he was feeling better and/or make it a habit to also communicate when good things happen or he is happy. I spent a fair amount of time thinking he was miserable when really he was dumping his misery on me and going on with his life. 
 

 

[MEmama]

3 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

I think this is really a function of each kid's personality as well as their living situation. DD takes classes at the CC and lives 10 minutes away, and I rarely get a text from her unless she needs something. DS is a senior at a university 2400 miles away, and I hear from him pretty much every day, often multiple times a day. Also, DD lives with her boyfriend while DS lives alone, so sometimes he just wants to call and put the phone on speaker so he can chat while he cooks dinner or something, which he would probably not do if he had roommates.

Awww that’s so sweet! ❤️

[sassenach]

19yo boy, freshman. We have several text threads- one for the family, one with just parents plus him, one between the two of us. He pops into the group chats pretty frequently. I mostly text him to tell him I've sent something or ask if he picked up the last thing I sent (and for him to tell me he needs something, lol). He FaceTimes me about once a week. He's an athlete so his schedule is absolutely bananas. I tend to wait for him to call me. If I don't hear from him for awhile, I text him just to ask how things are going. Overall, he has been better with communication than I expected. He's not much of a talker so I had this fear that he'd never initiate contact, but it's actually been the opposite. Still, it's nothing like my oldest. She's call or text every day.

 

[sassenach]

12 hours ago, freesia said:

If you are asking how often I would reach out if they didn’t contact me, probably weekly I’d send a text if some kind. 

Yes, same.

11 hours ago, kfeusse said:

So,  I could add this to my question.... do you initiate the contact or do you wait for them to contact you? 

I mostly wait for him to initiate. But if he doesn't, I'll text him. Usually if I text, he calls me shortly after I text.

[Loowit]

DD is a junior, but this is her first year away.  We hear from her almost daily via Skype.  That is what we, as a family, have used for years to talk to each other even in the same house.  Some days she is more busy that others and I won't hear from her, but usually she will at least say hi each day.  I knew she was settling in better when she stopped skyping me several times a day.  If she calls me on the phone I get worried, because we hardly ever talk on the phone.  Last week it was because she needed a scanned copy of her vax card to go to a play for class.  But when her name came up on the caller id, I got pretty anxious that something was wrong.

DS will be going into the military in a few months, and I don't expect to hear from him very often.  He will Skype if permitted after boot camp and if he has time.  But he is not one to talk (communicate) much at all.  He is a very private person and always has been.

 

[Harriet Vane]

Several times a week. Sometimes it works out to be daily but sometimes only once or twice. Usually we work out a bigger/longer connection once a week. Most other are either logistics or I send a quick love-ya-bunches kind of text.

Edited to add:

My boy is 20yo, college junior. My girl is 24yo—she and I text more frequently. Often she calls when driving home from work.

Edited November 16, 2021 by Harriet Vane

[theelfqueen]

My son lives on another continent and we havent seen each other in almost two years... we text (whatsapp) almost every day and talk on the phone (whatsapp or facebook video) about once a week. It was about the same when he was in college. 

When I was an exchange student I spoke to my parents twice in 4 months.

 

[whitestavern]

On average several times a week. My D texts more-no surprise! I connect with her almost daily. My son is 2-3 times a week. We try to FaceTime 3-4 times a month too bc it’s nice to see their faces. 🙂

[Hoggirl]

I have a son (who has now been out of college for 3+ years). We established before he left that we wanted a phone call or FaceTime once a week.  These were usually on Sunday afternoons, but we were flexible about this depending on our respective schedules.  But, once a week. Otherwise I only texted occasionally in between.  Less frequently in the beginning of his freshman year to give him space.  I also set up a texting code with him before he left and would preface my texts with the following:

FYI - this indicated I had something to share that I thought he might be interested in but that NO REPLY was necessary or expected.  E.g. - “FYI - Susie Q won homecoming queen!” The FYI preface allowed me to send texts when I wanted to without his feeling any pressure to respond.  That way I wouldn’t get angsty if he didn’t.  Sometimes he would reply to FYI texts, sometimes not.  He also knew he didn’t need to respond to any pics I sent (dogs, snow, etc).

?? - this indicated that I expected a reply within a reasonable amount of time (probably a day).  E.g. “?? Do you want me to book you a Super Shuttle to the airport?” “?? Have you filed your state income tax return yet?”  

POL - (Proof of Life). I’ve never had to use this one, but he knows that if I do he is to respond immediately.  Emoji, an, “I’m okay,” something.  Right away.  I also told him that if there were a major earthquake (he went to college in CA) or other big time issue/crisis to make it his goal to let me know he was okay before I even heard about whatever it was on the news. 

Since graduating, I have also instituted one more preface: IMN (Incoming Mom Nag) - this indicates that I realize I probably don’t have true standing to be asking him/telling him whatever I am about to write, but I’m still the mom, so I get to anyway.  I don’t use this very often, and it’s typically for things like, “IMN - Have you set up a schedule with a dentist?” “IMN - Have you gotten your flu shot yet?” “IMN - It’s your grandmother’s birthday - you might text her.” 

We still FaceTime once a week, and we probably text more now than when he was in college.  I have pretty much dropped the FYI preface because he knows I don’t care if he replies to anything silly/superficial or not.  We have a much more natural system of texting now, but I do think the prefaces were helpful while he was in college. I still use occasionally use the  ?? preface, however.  Otherwise, he might miss something that I truly need to know an answer to. Hope to never need to use POL. 

[Acadie]

We set up a family FT with dd19 at some point every weekend. Midweek we'll text each other logistical questions or interesting articles or memes, and I'll check in if she's sick or send random supportive messages. We talk on the phone or FT midweek only if needed. Dd16 sends her sister dog photos daily 🥰

ETA: And occasionally we'll FT at dinner. One week she was pretty sick and friends were bringing meals to her room, so we FaceTimed our extrovert several nights in a row for dinner.

Since you're asking the question, I wonder if you're uncertain what to do at this point in your young adult's life. 

I will say that dd19 was differentiating and pushing us away pretty intensely senior year of high school and her first year of college, and I tried to give her space because I thought that's what she needed. Despite continuing to push us away, she said she'd like to hear more from us. So I started reaching out more often, while making clear that I respect her independence. I keep things positive and well-boundaried, and emphasize the cool stuff about the adventure of college and this phase of her life, and also about being connected to family.

I'm feeling much better about our relationship and how she's doing--the disruptions of the pandemic were rough on her just when she was spreading her wings. For a while I think we were the target of her grief and anger about all of that, but something finally shifted this fall. So it can be especially tricky to handle long distance communication when the young adult is struggling in some way. Keep listening for who they are now, and what they want and need from your relationship at this phase of their lives. 

 

Edited November 16, 2021 by Acadie