"Don't buy my kids any gifts."

[SKL]

Don't quote!

I have a close loved one whose kids I have always included in my Christmas and birthday gift buying, and she has always bought my kids stuff too.  Her kids are several years younger than mine.  Over the past year, we've talked about how to phase this out as the kids get older.  Because at some point, I don't feel like I can give good suggestions, and I don't want to ask my teens to demand things.  So we agreed to end gift giving after the recipient passes a certain milestone, which my kids have passed, and hers have not.

So I contacted her to ask what her kids would like for upcoming birthday/Christmas.  She was in a mood, and she said she told her kids that nobody except their parents was to buy them any more gifts.  That they have too much and it causes problems.

OK well.  What do I do about that?  I don't feel right getting them nothing after their family had bought my kids gifts (or sent money) at their ages. 

I do understand having too much stuff.  We do too!  It can be frustrating.  That's why I always ask first and only buy what the mom suggests, which she herself would probably have bought otherwise.  I just don't want the kids to feel like I suddenly don't give a crap, you know?

What would you do?  Just send money or a gift card?  Are there any gift subscriptions that don't add to the material clutter around the house?  Other suggestions?

Don't quote!

Edited November 15, 2021 by SKL

[SoCal_Bear]

send something that the family can do together. Tickets or membership to something?

 

[annandatje]

Take the kids to a movie or play or something else that they can all enjoy.   We are big on experiences over objects here.

[SKL]

3 minutes ago, calbear said:

send something that the family can do together. Tickets or membership to something?

 

The other thing the mom was complaining about was how much time she spends taking them everywhere to do stuff.  She wants to cut that back too.  And I understand that also.  Besides, they live in a county that doesn't have good access to many amenities like museums, zoos, etc.  I can look into finding things that would be accessible to them, but would that also tick their mom off ....

[Kassia]

6 minutes ago, calbear said:

send something that the family can do together. Tickets or membership to something?

 

I like this idea but gift cards are always fun too.  

ETA - never mind on what the family can do together then since the mom doesn't want to drive.  The only other thing I can think of would be some kind of movie basket with snacks and maybe a gift card to Amazon or wherever you would stream movies (I don't watch tv/movies and have no idea).  

 

Edited November 15, 2021 by Kassia

[SKL]

Just now, annandatje said:

Take the kids to a movie or play or something else that they can all enjoy.   We are big on experiences over objects here.

I will look into this possibility, though with Covid, there isn't much out there ....

[DreamerGirl]

Gifts we have been given for DD5

Radish kids (https://www.raddishkids.com)

Disney subscription

Kiwi crates

If you want to give a family gift

We have always given and got gourmet food gifts as family gifts. Steaks, burgers, lobster, crab. 

Museum membership

Zoo Membership

Audible subscription

[SKL]

Does anyone know of a way to buy online music lessons?  They were doing in-person lessons, but their mom canceled them.  Though I'm not sure their mom will even let them go online.  Hmm....

[Slache]

Just honor her request. Her kids will know you love them by your other actions, and you will not be standing out as the only one not bo buy something. Take them all out in February.

[Noreen Claire]

Are you close enough in location that you can go over and share some time with them (or take them out for a treat) and give mom a break for a few hours? Sounds like she might need it!

Edited November 15, 2021 by Noreen Claire
typo!

[Clarita]

Those are her wishes, so you could respect that (there isn't really a need to feel guilty about it). However if you feel the need to "repay" it could be food.

If you are afraid she hasn't told her kids that this is their decision to not do presents then, you can give them a card. When they get older and question you can innocently tell them your parents didn't want me to give anymore gifts. (This happened to my mom with my cousins. After they asked she started sending them a card with money and asking the kids about it the next time they talked.)

[SKL]

2 minutes ago, Noreen Claire said:

Are you close enough in location that you can go over and share some time with them (or take them out for a treat) and give mom a break for a few hours? Sounds like she might need it!

Good point!  I will give this some serious thought.  The kids are old enough for me to take them for an overnight excursion and she could go do a whole spa day or something....

[Rosie_0801]

Maybe she'd let you buy something for their glory box/"war" chest.

Or commission a local artist to make an original card, explain that their mum doesn't want them to have more junk, but this is an original artwork and art is good for the soul. Or something. Maybe a Lino print or something out of the ordinary to give them something to think about.

[J-rap]

If you think it was partly because she was in a mood, then why don't you try again in a week.  Tell her you discovered a fun game (or whatever), and would that be okay to send?  Of course also ask for her honesty.  Otherwise, maybe you could just invite them over for dinner and an evening of games sometime.

[SKL]

I wish they were closer in age to my kids, so we could think of a great fun thing to all do together ....

The age range is 10 through 15 (hers and mine), all girls.

[Shoeless]

I would honor her request and just send a card with nothing in it. 

Maybe the gift exchange has gotten out of hand in her life, and she simply needs all of it to stop.

If you send something, then she may feel obligated to reciprocate, and it sounds like she wants off that train.  Especially this year, where Christmas gift exchanges can feel like One More Thing on top of So Many Other Things. 

[Lucy the Valiant]

We were able to successfully minimize a situation like this by choosing "themes" - tiny things that cousins know were very specifically chosen for them, but do not break the bank OR the clutter minster. Themes in various years have included special candy, socks, stickers / decals, printed photos, a book. It has "become a thing" over the years and is now a lot of fun, even for teenagers, but it would definitely take everyone being "in on the fun" to go over well. 

[LucyStoner]

Focus on relationship stuff like having them over for a fun weekend. 

I would probably do one of the following in this situation:

Send them funds to put in a savings account. 

Set aside what I might have spent on their gift and then let that pile up and give it to them as a high school graduation gift.  

Make a charitable contribution in their honor to a cause that you know resonates with them.  

Send something the family could enjoy together like a game basket.  

 

 

Edited November 16, 2021 by LucyStoner

[LucyStoner]

38 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Maybe she'd let you buy something for their glory box/"war" chest.

What is this?  

[J-rap]

51 minutes ago, SKL said:

I wish they were closer in age to my kids, so we could think of a great fun thing to all do together ....

The age range is 10 through 15 (hers and mine), all girls.

I think that age range is very doable for a gathering!  Your girls will be more a big-sister role, but it would mean so much for the younger girls.

ETA:  But with the spread of ages, I think you'd need to plan specific things.  There are party-like games you can play, where everyone is divided into two teams, for example.

Edited November 16, 2021 by J-rap

[Rosie_0801]

1 minute ago, LucyStoner said:

What is this?  

Glory box as in stuff you'll need when you move out of home.

"War chest" is what my aunt told me you're meant to call it if it's for a boy, because it sounds manlier.

Semantics. The fact remains that everyone needs a can opener that works properly.

[Ailaena]

Take them ice skating!  Or give them their own cards with cash?

I am also overwhelmed this year and I just don’t want anybody to buy anything, so I understand her point of view.  Of course, now I also understand yours and I’m sorry 😞 

[LucyStoner]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

Glory box as in stuff you'll need when you move out of home.

"War chest" is what my aunt told me you're meant to call it if it's for a boy, because it sounds manlier.

Semantics. The fact remains that everyone needs a can opener that works properly.

I like it.   I have a bin of stuff exactly like that for my sons.  Some of it new and some used things.  My son's grandmother just moved into assisted living and she was very happy that we took a lot of her kitchen things so that the boys don't have to buy them when they move out.  It appeals to her thriftiness AND somehow made her feel less sad about the transition.  She was very happy to see pictures of the things we kept and use in their new home.  

I've heard hope chest for girls but no alternative for boys.  

[mommyoffive]

50 minutes ago, SKL said:

Good point!  I will give this some serious thought.  The kids are old enough for me to take them for an overnight excursion and she could go do a whole spa day or something....

Sounds perfect!

[AmandaVT]

We've been enjoying Snack Crate - monthly snack boxes from different countries. That could be a fun gift!

[mathnerd]

Food! Nobody will refuse delicious food. So, buy each of them something unique and yummy from a great bakery (or something else like high end chocolates which they don't eat often) and attach cards to each one of the items and drop off before christmas. It does not count as a gift because it is like a christmas treat and they will enjoy eating it and they will come to think of you as that loved one who shows up with delicious goodies every christmas. My DH has an uncle like that who used to drop in on every single special occasion with a box of delicious goodies from a local bakery and he still remembers those visits fondly even though we don't see this uncle anymore due to living far away.

[importswim]

I'd send that mom a bottle of wine for being such a good friend! LOL!

I'd honor her request. I think it can get murky and bogged down if there's too much tit for tat involved (ie: who has been giving for longer, etc....). I'd be really happy if friends said this then actually stuck to it!

[Tanaqui]

If you think the issue is just that she's "in a mood" then call her next week and ask if she's REALLY SURE about it. And if so - you gotta honor that request. Send the kids a nice card with a friendly, personal note.

But if you're deadset on doing something, maybe as a gift to your friend you can invite her kids to stay over one weekend or during an inconveniently scheduled break (I'm thinking President's Week, not Christmas!) with the explicit goal of doing some fun things.

[kristin0713]

If I asked someone not to buy my kids gifts, I would really hope that they wouldn't. 

[fraidycat]

3 hours ago, SKL said:

I wish they were closer in age to my kids, so we could think of a great fun thing to all do together ....

The age range is 10 through 15 (hers and mine), all girls.

That sounds like a perfectly acceptable age range to have a home spa/movie night. Pizza for supper, Nail polish, face masks, foot scrub and moisturize, snacks, and a movie or two would take up a good chunk of an evening for a sleepover.

[fraidycat]

Another idea is a cookie baking/decorating evening of fun and festivities.

Or, my sister, sister-in-law, niece, DD, and myself all get together for paint night, and use the guides at stepbysteppainting.net to create "works of art" 😂 (they actually turn out quite well) on dollar store canvases with some acrylic paints. Some of them would be simple enough for a 10 year old to follow.

Edited November 16, 2021 by fraidycat

[katilac]

4 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Glory box as in stuff you'll need when you move out of home.

Glory box loses something in the translation to American, I think. Or gains something. Does Australia not use a certain name/phrase for something found in adult video stores and public bathrooms, 2 words, first one is glory? Maybe they do, and they just control their inner 12-yr-old boy better than I do. 

[Rosie_0801]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

Glory box loses something in the translation to American, I think. Or gains something. Does Australia not use a certain name/phrase for something found in adult video stores and public bathrooms, 2 words, first one is glory? Maybe they do, and they just control their inner 12-yr-old boy better than I do. 

Not that I know of...

[chocolate-chip chooky]

2 hours ago, katilac said:

Glory box loses something in the translation to American, I think. Or gains something. Does Australia not use a certain name/phrase for something found in adult video stores and public bathrooms, 2 words, first one is glory? Maybe they do, and they just control their inner 12-yr-old boy better than I do. 

I have no idea.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

@SKL I'd suggest you give your friend a bit of time, and then check if she really meant it.

If she did, then one option would be to have those girls choose a charity each, and you donate what you'd have spent on a gift to their chosen charities.

[Carrie12345]

I think it’s perfectly fine to double check in a bit, but then drop it.

She’s said she had a conversation with her kids, so I wouldn’t think that they will expect you to go against their mom’s wishes.

With my family size, location, and rising ages, outside gift giving has changed over the years. And, at my requests, gifts themselves have evolved to minimize “stuff”. While *I* wouldn’t tell anyone they aren’t allowed to give gifts, I can see how it’d be tempting to do so. But it’s fine over here, and my kids are delighted when a gift comes in, if a gift comes in. It’s a gift, not an obligation.

A range of 10-15 isn’t really all that wide. My youngest two are still 10 for a month and 14.5, close as can be, and usually lumped together in how we treat them to the same degree we did the girls, at 13 months apart, lol. I don’t think the ones on the younger side of it are remarkably less able to adapt to new expectations than the ones on the older side are/were when they were told of the latest agreement that aged them out of gifts. It sounds safe to assume they don’t think your friend cares less for them just because you had perfectly acceptable reasons to propose a change. Other kids are capable of that, too!

 

[HS Mom in NC]

When she said gifts, I think it's OK to respectfully clarify if she meant objects only or if it includes funding activities/experiences too.  People use the word gifts differently, some meaning stuff and others meaning both. Being careful to convey you're perfectly content to abide by whatever her answer is is important. Once you get her clarified answer, don't bring it up again.

If a parent explicitly tells you not to buy a gift and you buy a gift of any kind anyway, you're being dismissive and undermining them if you don't respect her wishes.  That's going to do serious damage to the relationship.  Deciding she said something like that because she was "in a mood" is a really insulting when talking about an adult. 

If she tells you no experience/activity gifts either and you still feel compelled to demonstrate love by spending money,  all you have to do is put aside or invest money  per kid for each gift giving occasion and when they're 18+ you can gift that however you choose: gift the money, buy/contribute to stuff, experiences, tuition, life events, etc. In the mean time you can send a card or make a call on days that people traditionally send gifts to acknowledge them.

[Soror]

12 hours ago, kristin0713 said:

If I asked someone not to buy my kids gifts, I would really hope that they wouldn't. 

 

15 hours ago, MissLemon said:

I would honor her request and just send a card with nothing in it. 

Maybe the gift exchange has gotten out of hand in her life, and she simply needs all of it to stop.

If you send something, then she may feel obligated to reciprocate, and it sounds like she wants off that train.  Especially this year, where Christmas gift exchanges can feel like One More Thing on top of So Many Other Things. 

 

15 hours ago, Slache said:

Just honor her request. Her kids will know you love them by your other actions, and you will not be standing out as the only one not bo buy something. Take them all out in February.

You can clarify but I'd not get them anything. If you get hers something she will feel guilty about not reciprocating. 

We have dropped different events over the years after repeated issues with gifts. It is just too much stress.  Not everyone enjoys the gift giving and receiving of the holiday season.  

[SounderChick]

11 hours ago, katilac said:

Glory box loses something in the translation to American, I think. Or gains something. Does Australia not use a certain name/phrase for something found in adult video stores and public bathrooms, 2 words, first one is glory? Maybe they do, and they just control their inner 12-yr-old boy better than I do. 

That's what I thought of to I'm not opening a glory anything.

[katilac]

50 minutes ago, rebcoola said:

That's what I thought of to I'm not opening a glory anything.

I guess the two of us will just in the corner together with our trashy knowledge 😄

 

[HS Mom in NC]

29 minutes ago, katilac said:

I guess the two of us will just in the corner together with our trashy knowledge 😄

 

***Casually walks to the corner***

[Tanaqui]

Since you're all alluding to the phrase glory hole here, now is the PERFECT time to point out that it has multiple meanings, the vast majority of which are utterly non-salacious. Mining seams, canal passageways, glassblowing furnaces - the mind boggles.

https://languagehat.com/glory-hole/

https://www.metafilter.com/193099/theres-no-mistaking-itweve-got-a-glory-hole-on-our-hands

[barnwife]

I'd probably ask once more just to make sure mom wasn't just in a mood. If she says she means it, then I'd do a card with something small (ornament, candy cane sleigh, etc...). Or maybe just a check for their college/launching to adulthood fund. 

[Katy]

I think Americans call it a hope chest.  At least that's what I learned from American Girl when I was a kid.

 

Anyway, I would (ask first) give them each a card that is customized to them and says (for a sports loving kid), I'm giving you and your siblings a night over at my house complete with pizza and a (local team) baseball game.

Each kid gets one night with their siblings at our house, with an experience customized to their preferences re activity and food.

Ask first because not everyone would like their kids doing certain activities, and to know if parents get to come too or if parents will gratefully take the night off.

Alternatively, if the kids have college funds that aren't fully funded every year, you can ask for the account numbers to make deposits.  Or write a check.

 

[SKL]

Sigh.  I wanted to be vague on purpose, but these are pretty close relatives actually.

And I don't feel right about sharing the "more to the story" in case the individual ever sees this.

I will try hard to think of something that I can propose without offending anyone.

I probably am not going to be in town over the holidays, so that doesn't help matters.

[Spryte]

20 hours ago, SKL said:

 Are there any gift subscriptions that don't add to the material clutter around the house?  Other suggestions?

Don't quote!

I hope it’s ok to quote just the above part. Let me know if I should delete.

A snack box subscription doesn’t add to clutter. There are some really cool ones out there, especially the international ones. You love traveling, right? So this could be a way to loosely share some of that experience, depending on the box you choose, if that works. Or tailor it to the kids’ interests. Or do the type that sends a box of snacks from a different country each month.