For people who travel for the holidays....what can the host family do, to make it easier for you?

[Tap]

DD23 and her husband live a few states away. They have a small dog, but no children. For the past 2 years, they came home for Christmas (apx 2-3 weeks), and I think this is going to continue to be the trend for now. 4 individual parent households, 2 sets of grand parents,  and thier closest friends all live in a 30 mile circle. It doesn't make sense for family to travel to them. But it also means that there is A LOT of family and friends to pack into a visit! 

I am trying to make things as supportive and restful for them as possible. I thought I would ask here for more ideas. 

I give them the master bedroom, so they have a private bathroom. I leave a pile of snacks in thier room and fully stock the pantry/fridge with thier favorites. They know they can come and go completely at thier leisure and their dog is cared for without a second thought. I bought toys for just thier dog to keep in thier room, so the dog has some space away from our dog to chill out when he needs a break (and with toys that don't smell like my dog).  I encourage them to spend time in thier room at thier own pace, without pressure to come spend time with the family. I remind them that I am completely fine with them taking some meals upstairs, so they can just be alone. I put  extra long  phone power cords, and minor tech in there so they don't have to bring tons of little things. I give them a rod in the closet and most of the dresser so they don't have to live out of suitcases. We plan a few days together, and other than that, I tell them to think of us like a hotel. They spend most of thier time downstairs, with me, but that way they don't feel like I expect it. 

I am sure there are more things I can do tho. What else do you suggest? 

[Hannah]

I can't think of anything more, but just wanted to say that I'm sure they will want to come back year after year as you are doing a wonderful job of making your place 'home' to them.

[Kassia]

37 minutes ago, Hannah said:

I can't think of anything more, but just wanted to say that I'm sure they will want to come back year after year as you are doing a wonderful job of making your place 'home' to them.

Yes, you are so thoughtful and I'm sure your efforts make their trip much more pleasant!  

[Laura Corin]

I would reassure them that nothing in the room was difficult to clean. My eldest rubbed his dirty face on MIL's coverlet when we were given the Master Bedroom.  It turned out to be a big deal.

I salute you! My mother's words, when I asked if I could bring the kids for our annual visit from Hong Kong and stay with her for a change, 'Oh, but then I would have to tidy up before you came, and that would make me miserable.  And you wouldn't want me to be miserable,  would you?' We stayed in a BnB.

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Laura Corin said:

My mother's words, when I asked if I could bring the kids for our annual visit from Hong Kong and stay with her for a change, 'Oh, but then I would have to tidy up before you came, and that would make me miserable.  And you wouldn't want me to be miserable,  would you?' We stayed in a BnB.

Wow.  😞  I'm sure the BnB was nicer for you because of the situation with your mother but I can't believe she would actually say that to you.  

 

[Laura Corin]

7 minutes ago, Kassia said:

Wow.  😞  I'm sure the BnB was nicer for you because of the situation with your mother but I can't believe she would actually say that to you.  

 

When I didn't call her for a month after that, at the beginning of the next call she said, 'So you've come out of the woodwork!' She was completely unaware that what she had said was unusual.  My therapist's jaw dropped when I told her.

[regentrude]

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job making them feel welcome.

What I consider especially important is to reassure them that it is ok if they come and go and that they are not expected to spend all their time at your house. I am grateful my parents never laid any guilt on me for doing other activities and seeing other people while I was staying with them.

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Laura Corin said:

When I didn't call her for a month after that, at the beginning of the next call she said, 'So you've come out of the woodwork!' She was completely unaware that what she had said was unusual.  My therapist's jaw dropped when I told her.

I heard a lot of things like that from my mother - she really was completely clueless.  I hope your therapist helps/helped - you have been such a good daughter and I really don't know how you do it.  

ETA - here's an example from my mom.  There was a school shooting here where three children were murdered, one was paralyzed, and a few others hurt.  Ds2 was in the room where the shooting happened.  Ds2 and Ds3 had been friends with two of the kids who were murdered and also ds3 had been best friends with the murderer (and one of the victims) in elementary school.  It was devastating on so many levels.  We went to all three funerals in five days.  Very soon after that, my mother was on the phone with me and said something like, "well, I guess you're all over that shooting stuff by now."  My ds2 saw three classmates killed, feared for his life, and had to crawl to safety as well as everything else.  But my mother didn't want to think about him - she wanted all the attention for herself.  Then she went on to tell me how upset she was because her CAR died and she had to replace it and she "loved that car."  I can't remember if I hung up on her or not.  

Edited November 9, 2021 by Kassia

[freesia]

For me, I wish one of our mother’s had specifically said that we could use the shampoo. It felt awkward to ask for some reason. It was hard to bring enough shampoo for 5-at the time-people for three weeks. I ended up buying some that we kept at my mom’s.  My mom also would join us whenever friends came by to see us which made the dynamic different. 

[marbel]

7 hours ago, Tap said:

We plan a few days together, and other than that, I tell them to think of us like a hotel.

Your entire post makes me want to come visit you; you are being a terrific host! What I quoted above really stuck out to me, because when we used to visit my in-laws we had to spend every waking moment with them. It was an offense if we wanted to  do something without them. For example, they lived in a beautiful mountain area and they would take us for drives, but they couldn't handle much walking so we could never go for a hike. 

But they were uncomfortable people in general; I never felt particularly welcome in their home. I'm sure you daughter and husband will feel perfectly at home.

Oh here's another thought, probably irrelevant: don't make food a big deal. My FIL used to push us all to eat a banana every day, no matter how many times we politely refused or even when my husband said "DAD, none of us like bananas; we are not going to eat any, thank you for offering but please stop pushing them!" There were other things, including a scene over my breakfast of yogurt and muesli (which I had brought) which they didn't seem to understand or approve of.  

[Laura Corin]

55 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I heard a lot of things like that from my mother - she really was completely clueless.  I hope your therapist helps/helped - you have been such a good daughter and I really don't know how you do it.  

ETA - here's an example from my mom.  There was a school shooting here where three children were murdered, one was paralyzed, and a few others hurt.  Ds2 was in the room where the shooting happened.  Ds2 and Ds3 had been friends with two of the kids who were murdered and also ds3 had been best friends with the murderer (and one of the victims) in elementary school.  It was devastating on so many levels.  We went to all three funerals in five days.  Very soon after that, my mother was on the phone with me and said something like, "well, I guess you're all over that shooting stuff by now."  My ds2 saw three classmates killed, feared for his life, and had to crawl to safety as well as everything else.  But my mother didn't want to think about him - she wanted all the attention for herself.  Then she went on to tell me how upset she was because her CAR died and she had to replace it and she "loved that car."  I can't remember if I hung up on her or not.  

I'm sorry.  That's awful.

Yes, the therapist helped enormously, thanks - just hearing someone uninvolved say that Mum's reaction to things was unusual.  It's probably horrible to say it, but my mother is much more pleasant to be around these days.  She doesn't have the memory or the strength of mind to bear grudges any longer.

Sorry @Tap for hijacking your thread.  I'll walk away now.

[mmasc]

I agree that it sounds like you’ve set your home up perfectly for a visit! As a traveling-at-Christmas family EVERY YEAR, I can’t think of anything else, except maybe having things there that they don’t have to pack every time.  For example, I need a sound machine or fan or something that makes noise, so both my mom and MIL have one in the guest room. One less thing for me to pack! Also, we usually ship ahead dog food so I don’t have that to pack. But that’s all I can think of. You sound like a lovely host!😊

[Emba]

You’ve done way More than I would think of. I’m sure they’ll feel very welcome!

I always try to have some books out for guests, books of short stories or essays so they won’t have to end up leaving halfway through a novel.  Also maybe post the wi-fi password somewhere easily seen.

 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, freesia said:

For me, I wish one of our mother’s had specifically said that we could use the shampoo. 

I always put out a basket filled with small (or samples) shampoos, conditioners, toothpaste, toothbrushes, soaps, body washes, floss, and lotions for the kids SOs to use when they come in case they don't like what is already in the shower.  They usually bring their own but sometimes I notice that something has been used and it makes me happy.  

 

 

23 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

 

Sorry @Tap for hijacking your thread.  I'll walk away now.

Yes, me too @Tap  I am sorry! 

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, Emba said:

 

I always try to have some books out for guests, books of short stories or essays so they won’t have to end up leaving halfway through a novel.  Also maybe post the wi-fi password somewhere easily seen.

 

This is a great idea!  I always put books out but didn't think of short stories.  I also leave photo albums out - my kids like looking at them with their SOs.

[Harriet Vane]

Tap, you are the hostess with the mostest. 

I think you've hit that magic combination of meaningful personal luxuries and freedom to set their own schedule without emotional strings attached. This will keep them coming back again and again. Treasure those moments together, knowing that your home and your presence is the most peaceful and restful place for them.

[fairfarmhand]

2 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

Tap, you are the hostess with the mostest. 

I think you've hit that magic combination of meaningful personal luxuries and freedom to set their own schedule without emotional strings attached. This will keep them coming back again and again. Treasure those moments together, knowing that your home and your presence is the most peaceful and restful place for them.

YES! This is what I strive for with my adult children. I want them to WANT to come home and enjoy being here.

[prairiewindmomma]

Offer free use of the washer and dryer BEFORE they pack to arrive. I will pack a lot fewer items of clothing if I know I can do laundry at the host family's house. Offer a laundry hamper in their room, and a place to dry unmentionables/handwashables. 

You sound like an awesome host! So glad you'll get to see your family soon!