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Anyone else having difficult holidays?

lynn

By lynn,
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lynn

lynn

Posted
Posted

For our family we lost my fil in June(not covid)   Navy kid is a world away on deployment.  My mom is home bound and no one can figure out what's going with her to much to list but not covid related.  So can I say its pretty difficult to think holidays.  

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Mrs Tiggywinkle

Mrs Tiggywinkle

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Holidays always hit home how scattered my family is.  My parents come from families that had sixty people at Thanksgiving, and somehow coming from a big family I always thought it would be similar with my kids playing with their cousins like I grew up doing.  
 

Instead there’s a lot of distance, emotional and physical, and even before Covid, no one comes back to visit my parents or disabled sister who still lives at home. The one set of cousins my kids do see on occasion are in the middle of their mom’s(my sister) second divorce and seem to spend holidays with their respective father’s families.  Obviously my kids don’t know the difference, but I do kind of feel sad that their holidays aren’t centered around extended family like mine were growing up. 
Seeing all the Ugly Christmas parties and Friendsgiving on FB kind of stings too.  We really have very few friends and I don’t see that changing soon, so it always kind of drives my loneliness home.  

Edited by Mrs Tiggywinkle
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Annie G

Annie G

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Hugs.

And you’re not alone. For reasons I don’t want to get into (and there are several contributing this year!) the holidays will suck.  I’m happy other people have close families and great holidays, but I hate facing the questions from well meaning friends.  

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MooCow

MooCow

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It'll be hard for one of my closest friend. She lost her husband a year and a half ago suddenly, and her mom just passed. 

Thanksgiving is the one day I don't have to cook. Dh and dd do it together. I'll cook a frozen pie, make the rolls and the green bean casserole and the pistachio pudding what thingy. 

This year my son invited us over to their new place for Thanksgiving and then he reneged LOL when he realized that they still don't have all the stuff to put on a Christmas spread, I.e furniture and pots and pans and dishes. Invited us to his mentors house who is like family but we don't like traveling.

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Melissa Louise

Melissa Louise

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Posted
20 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I'm sorry, too.  

Yes, difficult holidays.  Everyone is counting on me to make the holidays festive but I have no emotional or physical energy to make it all happen.  It's such a burden and I hate it.  

Feeling this. 

Want me to talk you into taking a long, solitary trip, at the same time as I talk myself into it? 

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Shoeless

Shoeless

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27 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

Holidays always hit home how scattered my family is.  My parents come from families that had sixty people at Thanksgiving, and somehow coming from a big family I always thought it would be similar with my kids playing with their cousins like I grew up doing.  
 

Instead there’s a lot of distance, emotional and physical, and even before Covid, no one comes back to visit my parents or disabled sister who still lives at home. The one set of cousins my kids do see on occasion are in the middle of their mom’s(my sister) second divorce and seem to spend holidays with their respective father’s families.  Obviously my kids don’t know the difference, but I do kind of feel sad that their holidays aren’t centered around extended family like mine were growing up. 
Seeing all the Ugly Christmas parties and Friendsgiving on FB kind of stings too.  We really have very few friends and I don’t see that changing soon, so it always kind of drives my loneliness home.  

I hear you.  Holidays were the same for me growing up. I loved the large, extended family gatherings. It doesn't happen anymore, and that is a bummer. I am happy to host, but everyone wants to do their own thing. It makes me miss my grandparents a bit more, because they had the ability to get everyone to show up for family events.

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Jenny in Florida

Jenny in Florida

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32 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

I truly want to cancel Christmas.I feel like it will just be a pantomime, and I've no energy for playing my role. 

I was telling my counselor the other day that, while I have reached the point at which I can fairly convincingly and consistently perform being happy, it's exhausting to keep doing so. 

I'm sorry you're similarly struggling.

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Melissa Louise

Melissa Louise

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3 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

I was telling my counselor the other day that, while I have reached the point at which I can fairly convincingly and consistently perform being happy, it's exhausting to keep doing so. 

I'm sorry you're similarly struggling.

I perform it constantly. It's very tiring. Would be nice to sometimes drop it knowing someone else will pick it up.  

Did you find your solo hiking ( and camping?)  a good break from the stress of the performance? 

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Jenny in Florida

Jenny in Florida

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Posted (edited)

Yep. 

We're going on our fifth year (I think?) of my adult children being estranged and unable to be in the same room. Just to make things more complicated, my son's ex-girlfriend lives with us (for another few months, in theory) but also can't be in the same room with my son, who has been living with his current girlfriend for close to a year. So my life is like one of those plastic slider puzzles where you have to move one tile out of the way in order to slide another tile into place. 

My husband's parents -- with whom we had good relationships --  and two of his three brothers are no longer with us. I have been out of touch with my parents (by my choice) for decades. 

Add to this my husband's higher-than-normal levels of anxiety due to living in pandemic conditions for the past couple of years and my ongoing depression . . . it all requires way more energy than I have to give.

Edited by Jenny in Florida
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Jenny in Florida

Jenny in Florida

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

I perform it constantly. It's very tiring. Would be nice to sometimes drop it knowing someone else will pick it up.  

Did you find your solo hiking ( and camping?)  a good break from the stress of the performance? 

Oh for sure. I keep saying I'm going to plan another one, now that the weather has cooled off. But, again, the emotional energy required even to plan something I want to do is beyond me these days. (Plus, for a variety of reasons, I am extremely short on vacation time.)

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regentrude

regentrude

Posted
Posted (edited)

As an immigrant, holidays have always been difficult for me because I miss my extended family.
Due to Covid, gatherings with friends will be limited.
My FIL died two weeks ago.
My father died three  two days ago. (Edited. Can't believe it was only the day before yesterday)
Holidays are going to suck.

Edited by regentrude
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athena1277

athena1277

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Melissa Louise said:

I'm sorry, that's really hard. 

Seconding the idea of going low key, or doing something different than usual. 

I truly want to cancel Christmas.I feel like it will just be a pantomime, and I've no energy for playing my role. 

I burned out on Christmas years ago.  Mainly because I hate the family obligations.  This year is more complicated because both mine and dh’s dads have passed away, so trying to make sure our moms aren’t left alone and have gifts, combined with dh and dd not being able to take time off work, means travel is extra tricky.  
 

If it were up to me (and no one left lonely), I would love to take a short trip for Christmas with just dh and kids, not cook much and just relax.

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fraidycat

fraidycat

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Posted

Hugs to everyone who is struggling. I would @ everyone, but I don't want to miss someone and compound the sadness and loneliness.

@regentrude, I'm so sorry for your losses.

I miss the holidays of my childhood and early adulthood, too. Massive family gatherings and tons of people to talk to or play with. The "family glue" is all gone now, so holidays are very different for sure. I've mostly adapted to the "new normal", but I can't help but feel nostalgic about older versions of holiday gatherings every now and then.

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Ditto

Ditto

Posted
Posted

It looks like many of us are in the same holiday boat.   For me this year is extra hard due to being, in theory, separated from my husband, yet having to continue living together due to finances and health insurance.   I just completely dread having to be in the same house at the same time as him.   It is going to be miserable.  But, there is no choice, so I shall crash forward as best I can.

For those going through losses, I am very sorry.  Hugs to all of you.

 

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Melissa Louise

Melissa Louise

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5 minutes ago, Ditto said:

It looks like many of us are in the same holiday boat.   For me this year is extra hard due to being, in theory, separated from my husband, yet having to continue living together due to finances and health insurance.   I just completely dread having to be in the same house at the same time as him.   It is going to be miserable.  But, there is no choice, so I shall crash forward as best I can.

For those going through losses, I am very sorry.  Hugs to all of you.

 

This is my situation too. It complicates things immensely. Yep, crashing forward as best we can! 

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kbutton

kbutton

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We have vested family but lots of physical distance, odd work schedules (DH working 50% of holidays), people who have difficulty planning things, and people who just "don't get it" about schedules. People can't quite understand that major holidays don't work, and when they do, maybe we don't want to ALWAYS be the ones that travel. With some family, we've put in way more effort than the others to make it work, and they are still relatively clueless about this.

This year looks like it will likely be more peaceful than usual, and we aren't traveling at all!!! 

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Catwoman

Catwoman

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, regentrude said:

As an immigrant, holidays have always been difficult for me because I miss my extended family.
Due to Covid, gatherings with friends will be limited.
My FIL died two weeks ago.
My father died three  two days ago. (Edited. Can't believe it was only the day before yesterday)
Holidays are going to suck.

I'm so sorry, Regentrude! 😢  I know you have been concerned about your aging family for quite some time and that you have been very sad that you haven't been able to visit them, so this is a nightmare come true for you. I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish I had some magical words of wisdom to help you feel better, but I don't. Sending lots of hugs to you.

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regentrude

regentrude

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6 hours ago, YaelAldrich said:

@regentrude I'm so sorry your father passed away. It's terrible that you couldn't be there with your family. 

Thanks you, everyone, for your kind words.

I did actually travel when my sister told me to come asap. I got here in time to have a few hours at his bedside. I think he knew that I was there, and that he had waited for me; he calmed down and slept quietly and died early the next morning. And that he held on past midnight in order not to die on my mother's 80th birthday.

So here I am, in Covid infested Germany in the state with the worst numbers ( horrifying 7-day incidence of 500 per 100k) making funeral arrangements. 

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Faith-manor

Faith-manor

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Posted
15 hours ago, regentrude said:

As an immigrant, holidays have always been difficult for me because I miss my extended family.
Due to Covid, gatherings with friends will be limited.
My FIL died two weeks ago.
My father died three  two days ago. (Edited. Can't believe it was only the day before yesterday)
Holidays are going to suck.

I am so sorry, Regentrude! So very sorry. Thinking of you.

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