potty training

[DawnM]

In our foster parent classes we were told not to push the potty training as it can put undo stress on a child of trauma.    So, we tried a couple of times but it didn't go that well, so we gave up.

Now that we need to find another preschool, many are listing "3 and older must be potty trained" on their site.   

It is time.   It is way past time.   He turns 4 soon.

Do you think if I am home the entire week of thanksgiving, I can do it in the 9 days I will be home?

Give me some tried and true pointers that WILL NOT stress us both out.

It was never this hard with my others.   

Thank you!

[NorthwestMom]

Yes you can! I have taught many parents how to potty train, including trauma-informed care.

Prep your child for this by presenting potty training stories and videos starting now. Let him watch family members use the potty but place no demands on him yet.

Start documenting the times he is likely to be wet, and when he usually has bowel movements 

Stay mostly home for the 9 days. Prepare to give this the majority of your attention.

My most important tip is NO PULL UPS! Underpants only!  Buy underpants with preferred characters or themes. 🙂 If you have to leave the house or he must not have a major accident at a particular time, cover the underpants with a pull up so he gets the sensation of being wet but it isn't a disaster for you, but try to stop using pull ups or diapers during waking hours altogether.

Start at the point he can be successful and provide rewards for completing the task correctly. This may be "sits on the potty without underwear for 2 minutes", "Pees in potty", etc. or in rough cases it may be "Touches potty with hand calmly", "Sits calmly on potty fully clothed" and then the requirement gradually changes to more functional toileting skills. Make sure you give him a lot of chances to be successful near the time he is most likely to have a bowel movement in the potty. Make a huge deal out of successfully using the potty and provide a small reward but provide as little attention and interest as possible to accidents. Tell him calmly and directly, "You need to pee/poop in the potty, not in your pants" but don't be harsh about it.

Good luck!

[Tap]

I think the 9 days you will be home, would be an excellent time to try!!! 

My older kids were PT by two with just using the method of stickers/m&m prizes and having a potty chair in the same room (basically within about 30 feet of them.) It made it easy to get to the potty and over the week, the distance increased to just having it in the bathroom in the house. I have tall, leggy kids. When they used other bathrooms in the house that didn't have a potty chair, the just straddled the toilet backwards (greater stability because they sit on the front rim, instead of their bottom dipping in the back). We also let them pick out fun underwear as motivation.

DD15 wasn't potty trained till 4. She is special needs and didn't really want to pt. We used the same methods, but had to use pull ups for a while longer on her. She was more prone to accidents or willful pottying in different places in the house. Once we absolutely knew she could do it on her own, then we moved her to just panties. That was enough to tip her over the edge of wanting to avoid a soggy bottom and a change of clothes. We had to deal with a few puddles and messy changes, but at least she finally was PT. 

Edited November 7, 2021 by Tap

[Katy]

I’ve tried so many times with DS4, but made no progress until DH decided to take off work and do it.  He made more progress in one day with Daddy than in two years with me. 

[Clarita]

I've known people to have success with the bare bottom method. Especially if it seems like he does not know when he's going potty. To make it quicker for learning you can spend a few days innodating him with liquids so he has more chances to practice. Then proceed to watch him like a hawk and try to catch him in the act. When you do shout in excitment (you are looking to surprise not to seem punishing - so he stops the stream) then grab him hurry to the potty whether or not he went or not. Then say or sing something that tells him to go potty in the potty (song and dance preferably like a celebration).

If you feel like he can (in terms of he knows when pee and poo is coming but just still going in his diapers). I would suggest explicitly teaching the skills needed to go potty. Like taking off and putting on his own stuff, getting on the toilet, flushing, washing, etc. As he learns make his  accidents his problem so it's more hassle for him if he doesn't go in the potty. Somehow taking off his own soiled diaper and putting it in the diaper trash was enough to convince my 3 year old he should just go in the potty. My current 3 year old is currently going through a regression and she gets a full on shower after her accidents. 

Both of mine were late though because I didn't like to push this issue.

PS A lot of people say no going back to diaper/pull-ups. I've allowed my kids to go back and forth when they feel less or more confident. It doesn't confuse my kids. Having the back-up made the potty training fight theirs and not mine.  

[SKL]

I agree with most of the above, but I would add:  consider offering small rewards if he decides to go potty before you are ready to take the plunge.  He is probably old enough to control it if he wants to, and this won't be a battle of wills if it's really his choice.

Another thought - consider what is the reason he was not potty trained and not doing well with the potty.  Was he just given more time, or did he have previous training (before placement with you) that created problems?  Depending on the situation, it is possible that bad early training could make it physically harder or even impossible for him to learn the way typical children learn.  If that is the case, a doctor may need to be consulted.

Edited November 7, 2021 by SKL
Pronouns!

[Clarita]

My friends 3 year old was in the knew when he needed to pee but wouldn't stop playing to go in the potty for a long time. She ended up having to send him to preschool not knowing if he'd be sent home. She told him they would send him home and stuff if he had an accident at school. It's been 3 mohts now and he's never had an accident at school (he has had some in the early months at home and in his car seat). So even if he isn't fully potty trained at home; he can still know enough not to soil himself at school. (You have to make sure he knows when he needs to go). 

[Condessa]

That time you have home is a great time to try, but whether or not it will actually happen in that time is really dependent on the individual kid's personality.  There is not one method that works for every type of kid.  I used to be an early preschool teacher (2-year-olds) before I had my own kids, and I saw some parents who'd been through it several times with older siblings tell other parents "This is the way that works every time!" because it worked for all of their kids, and then the other parents had horrible experiences with it.

[Melissa in Australia]

I had all my bio kids toilet trained well before they were 2. 

then we were placed with the twins. They were aged 3 1/2 and not toilet trained(one wasn’t even walking). It took us over 6 months to toilet train them. It was a HUGE effort of both dh and I working on it.

Firstly  I had to teach them about rewards. They were not motivated by rewards at all and didn’t even grasp the concept. I guess 3 1/2 years of extreme neglect they didn’t have much expectation on getting things promised them. This took months

I  also shifted them to cloth nappies hoping to let them feel wet .

bare bottom didn’t work at all. They were terrified and would scream and scream

eventually they worked out whenever they either went to the toilet or went to a tree they would receive a lollie.  Interestingly once they were daytime toilet trained they never once wet the bed.

I really think it was 6 months before they worked out what we were trying to teach them. 

[City Mouse]

I assume that with a foster child there are restrictions that bio children might not have - would the bare bottom method work? I would assume that the child could not observe an adult using the bathroom. 

The easiest method I have found while teaching pre-school is peer pressure. Well, not peer pressure exactly, but the routine. If the whole class is going to bathroom at set times,it us usually pretty quick for a not-trained 3ry old to be day timed trained. 

Otherwise, bribes, I mean rewards, often work well if there is no underlying reason why the child is not trained.

Edited November 7, 2021 by City Mouse

[DawnM]

We tried in the past and he would usually pee in the potty, although he did get distracted easily.   But one time he pulled his pants down and pooped on the floor in the living room!  We decided that wasn't going to work.

He is not consistent with poop times at all.   He can poop multiple times per day many days.   

[sgo95]

For accidents, I would buy dollar store shower curtains and carpet the house with them so cleanup wouldn't be as bad.

[matrips]

One tip we used was to have multiple little potties all around the house, at least one per room, so if one started going you could quickly move them to the nearest potty.  My one ds starting going in the playroom, we hurried him to the potty in the room, he got a drop or two in the potty and was thrilled with himself!  I just bought a bunch of used ones for the training (we did the weekend training).  I had ‘new’ fun books for them to look at on the potty to relax to go poo.  In the days leading up to potty training, I watched their diet- cut out any constipating foods, gave foods to help the process. They had special Elmo underwear that they loved.  We watched the Elmo potty training video a lot in the weeks before training.  Elmo was a big help to our three 🙂

good luck!

[Moonhawk]

Flat out bribery, lol.

DD4 wasn't trained until right before her 4th birthday. She was just different and stubborn and had NO interest at all. We tried multiple times starting at 2.5: she would go a few times, then say no, and stop. She didn't care if she was wet, she didn't care if it meant we had to turn off a movie to change her, or other natural consequences. She didn't care about imposed consequences (no screens, no dessert, etc, and there wasn't much we could take away from her). She simply decided that using the potty was not what she wanted to do. She loved watching Elmo's Potty, had no fear of the bathroom, liked her new underwear, she just didn't care to use the potty more than a couple days in a row. 

Finally we resorted to bribery. After each time she used the potty = a treat (applesauce, dried strawberries, I tried to keep it healthy but I would have given chocolate if that's what she insisted on). A day of no accidents = treat at end of day. And she got to choose what it was. She's now 4.5, and we still do the daily treat if no accidents. 

You've gotten a lot of better advice, but if it's just not coming together, there's always this. 

[DawnM]

2 hours ago, matrips said:

One tip we used was to have multiple little potties all around the house, at least one per room, so if one started going you could quickly move them to the nearest potty.  My one ds starting going in the playroom, we hurried him to the potty in the room, he got a drop or two in the potty and was thrilled with himself!  I just bought a bunch of used ones for the training (we did the weekend training).  I had ‘new’ fun books for them to look at on the potty to relax to go poo.  In the days leading up to potty training, I watched their diet- cut out any constipating foods, gave foods to help the process. They had special Elmo underwear that they loved.  We watched the Elmo potty training video a lot in the weeks before training.  Elmo was a big help to our three 🙂

good luck!

we have some stories and videos too.

Edited November 8, 2021 by DawnM

[Carrie12345]

I have no helpful advice. Not one of my 5 kids was reliably consistent much before 4 (if that, and usually still not at night) for no special reason. And we tried everything over the course of those FOURTEEN CONSECUTIVE YEARS.  I was especially optimistic with the girls, who practically lived like twins, thinking the younger would easily copy the older. Nope. She still took another 9-12 months or so.

Definitely my least favorite stage.

[Terabith]

My youngest just didn’t want to use the potty.  She understood the process. She would do it occasionally but not consistently.  Offers of bribery led to, “Mommy, I like x but not enough to use the potty. It’s MY body, and you cannot make me.”  At age 3.5, she told me, “Giving me m&ms to use the potty feels like emotional manipulation, and it’s not going to work because I am the boss of my body.”  When asked what would incentivize her, she said nothing, that she liked diapers.  Finally, I sent her to preschool in pull-ups. (Very understanding teacher.)  She liked the child sized flushing toilet, and that did the trick.  She literally never had an accident.  It was surreal and incredibly indicative of how her mind works.  

[Jaybee]

My oldest two were very slow/late to potty train. At one point, my oldest told me, "Mom, I just can't!" So I said, "Well, when you can, please let me know!" He was almost 4. But once he figured it out, accidents (even bedwetting) were rare to none. Second one was actually 4, but we later found out she had a little physical problem which also caused her to wet the bed for years. When my next ones were about 2.5, I found a little book called something like Potty-Training in a Day, and I basically used the principles in it for the later kids, and they were trained all trained more quickly. I didn't do it all in a day, but it involved lots of drinks, rewards of M&Ms or some such, and "rehearsing" when they had an accident. Rehearsing involved a positive, "We are going to practice so that you remember!" And each time, from several places in the house, you'd say, "If you are here and you need to go potty, you run to the potty, pull your pants down, and go in it!" and you would physically run them from those various locations, practicing pulling down their pants, etc. It was pretty effective.

[Myra]

here's my tongue-in-cheek answer...

we got a puppy at the same time my  youngest was being potty trained.  So every time I took the puppy out to the yard every hour or so my kiddo also sat on the potty chair placed in the yard, too!  Unconventional - but it worked great! SO my advice is to get a puppy!

[kbutton]

My harder to train one didn’t do well with rewards. If he went for one balloon, the next time he would demand two balloons and a granola bar, lol! He had been in cloth, and the training pants felt too much like diapers. We got Buzz Lightyear pull-ups, and they were the kind that feel cold when they get wet. The change in how things felt plus not wanting to pee on Buzz did the trick.

With both kids, when I saw that they would pee in the tub and look down at themselves in surprise, I would have them stand in the tub with a little running water before a bath so that they could see/feel themselves pee. Then I would tell them they could pee down the drain before a bath, and they really liked that. If awareness is an issue, something like that might help.

A potty in the same room so it’s not out of sight, out of mind was also helpful.

[PronghornD]

What helped my kid was setting the timer for her to sit on the potty. If I told her to do it, she would battle me. If the timer went off instead, she would go sit on the potty. I started out setting it for twenty minute intervals and extended the interval as she caught on.

I disagree with the rushing the kid to the potty, at least for kids like mine. That startled my child and made her feel a loss of autonomy. It really set us back on the process. Even if I knew my child was going to have an accident, I let her have that accident instead of taking charge of her body myself.

 

[PronghornD]

By the way, I used to be Pronghorn and had trouble signing on for the last year or so. Today I just made a new account.

 

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, PronghornD said:

By the way, I used to be Pronghorn and had trouble signing on for the last year or so. Today I just made a new account.

 

Welcome back!!!!! 🎉

[Clarita]

On 11/7/2021 at 3:53 PM, DawnM said:

We tried in the past and he would usually pee in the potty, although he did get distracted easily.   But one time he pulled his pants down and pooped on the floor in the living room!  We decided that wasn't going to work.

Sounds like he is on his way. We decided to potty train my little girl when she decided she could change her diapers by herself. It was not pretty. 

The start of that was really just telling her to put her poops in the potty. In the begining this meant her taking herself and the soiled diaper into the bathroom and (with mommy's help although she didn't always ask for it) dump the poop into the toilet. Another wierd trick is to teach them to pull their knees up to their chest to encourage the poop to come out when they are on the potty. (It was actually the way I taught my son to poop when he was a newborn.)

If you are at your wits end speak to your pediatrician. (Since you have potty trained before.) Sometimes there are physical issues that are keeping children from being sucessful. Sometimes these can be minor issue like normal constipation (sometimes kids will get constipation if they are secretly working on potty training because they are holding or experimenting with their muscles). 

[Momto6inIN]

No advice, just commiseration. DD2.5 is currently toying with the idea of learning to use the potty, but after 2 straight days of being clean and dry apparently has decided that taking time to use the potty is not living her best life 😕

You'd think by kid#6 I'd have figured this out by now, but the magic formula been different for every kid so far!

[DawnM]

23 hours ago, Myra said:

here's my tongue-in-cheek answer...

we got a puppy at the same time my  youngest was being potty trained.  So every time I took the puppy out to the yard every hour or so my kiddo also sat on the potty chair placed in the yard, too!  Unconventional - but it worked great! SO my advice is to get a puppy!

Sadly, we already tried that method.   We got the puppy when he was about 2.5 years old, but then, once the puppy was trained, my elderly dog started becoming incontinent.   It has been a house of poop for a while around my house.   I guess you could say it is a sh*tshow......🤣