give me your suggestions/ideas, I am too emotionally involved

[Farrar]

I don't think giving people food is ever enabling behavior. People have shared some good nuanced thoughts here but I think if you can give food and you know the food is being consumed, then I understand it's being shared, but... so what. Food shouldn't be a bargaining chip - even to get people to stop some very bad behaviors. Beyond that... yeah, I think cutting back is a good thing.

Edited November 6, 2021 by Farrar

[Faith-manor]

We have someone like this, my niece, with similar issues and totally irresponsible. She has three daughters, and they are young, multiple baby fathers only one of whom pays any child support. Giving money had been a no go. She just misuses it, and doesn't get the bills paid. We can only do so much and it is maddening, but the little girls are the ones who suffer most. So we have been known to buy groceries and deliver them, pay on rent or utilities directly to the landlord or utility companies, etc.

Last year she was going to lose visitation with them because had been evicted from her previous place and had not been able to take all her furniture because of not being able to afford a moving truck. The fathers of the younger two were not going to allow her to have her two days of visitation over the Christmas break if she could not provide beds. My brother, hard up for cash at the time due to medical bills, could not help and said that the eldest girl (10 at the time) was devastated to not be able to see her little sisters at Christmas. So we bought a toddler bed with mattress for the then 2 year old, and a twin bed and mattress for the 5 year old, and had them delivered. We also sent a nice Christmas gift for each child. But we did the whole thing through a non-profit nearby so that she would not know where it came from and then ask for more. We now pay for a driver to take her once a month to a very robust church food pantry. This way again she gets food and not cash, and she actually doesn't know who pay for the ride share either. This is about all we are willing to do other than winter coats and boots for the girls whose lives are miserable because their mother is so unstable, and their fathers are sadly, quite immature for their ages. But on behalf of the dads, they do feed them well, have reasonable roofs over their heads, appropriate clothing, some toys, and they go to school/headstart. Paternal grandmothers who seem quite competent provide after school care and see to it they are vaxed and have well child visits at the health department. So they are physically cared for appropriately. It is just that with the dads being so immature, their emotional and mental development is also stunted and concerning.

I am an advocate of not enabling, but also a fan of providing basics at times in a non cash way because I think that is the humane thing to do. But there are definitely ways of doing it that do not involve much enablement such as a grocery delivery or buying a bed,just no cash. And if you can do it through a community group - a lot of civic groups and churches are willing to help with this - you can keep your name out of the equation so they don't get used to "support" or money from relatives.

[prairiewindmomma]

2 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

We have someone like this, my niece, with similar issues and totally irresponsible. She has three daughters, and they are young, multiple baby fathers only one of whom pays any child support. Giving money had been a no go. She just misuses it, and doesn't get the bills paid. We can only do so much and it is maddening, but the little girls are the ones who suffer most. So we have been known to buy groceries and deliver them, pay on rent or utilities directly to the landlord or utility companies, etc.

Last year she was going to lose visitation with them because had been evicted from her previous place and had not been able to take all her furniture because of not being able to afford a moving truck. The fathers of the younger two were not going to allow her to have her two days of visitation over the Christmas break if she could not provide beds. My brother, hard up for cash at the time due to medical bills, could not help and said that the eldest girl (10 at the time) was devastated to not be able to see her little sisters at Christmas. So we bought a toddler bed with mattress for the then 2 year old, and a twin bed and mattress for the 5 year old, and had them delivered. We also sent a nice Christmas gift for each child. But we did the whole thing through a non-profit nearby so that she would not know where it came from and then ask for more. We now pay for a driver to take her once a month to a very robust church food pantry. This way again she gets food and not cash, and she actually doesn't know who pay for the ride share either. This is about all we are willing to do other than winter coats and boots for the girls whose lives are miserable because their mother is so unstable, and their fathers are sadly, quite immature for their ages. But on behalf of the dads, they do feed them well, have reasonable roofs over their heads, appropriate clothing, some toys, and they go to school/headstart. Paternal grandmothers who seem quite competent provide after school care and see to it they are vaxed and have well child visits at the health department. So they are physically cared for appropriately. It is just that with the dads being so immature, their emotional and mental development is also stunted and concerning.

I am an advocate of not enabling, but also a fan of providing basics at times in a non cash way because I think that is the humane thing to do. But there are definitely ways of doing it that do not involve much enablement such as a grocery delivery or buying a bed,just no cash. And if you can do it through a community group - a lot of civic groups and churches are willing to help with this - you can keep your name out of the equation so they don't get used to "support" or money from relatives.

Well done! 

[Faith-manor]

15 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Well done! 

Thank you. The sad thing about the winter coats, boots, and hats and gloves is that the girls have them at their fathers' homes. But, these man/boys being immature, won't allow the girls to take anything but the clothes on their backs to their mother's on visitation even though thry admit that she is good about returning things. The two year old wails over her blankie being left behind every time, and the three are thrown into their respective vehicles without winter clothes and taken to meet their mom at McD's for the exchange. She brings blankets - something I should consider replacing this year because my brother says that the glimpse he has had of those blankets is they have several holes in each one - to keep them warm. But then they can't go out to play. Every year the social worker tells her to buy her kids coats and boots or else. It is basically an empty threat. They never move to end her visitation. And they aren't wrong. On the other hand they are dealing with a person who has bipolar disorder that is in a psychosis stage because she won't stay on her meds, and whose psychiatrist says she is not employable. Can't they contact the Marines' Coats for Kids, and just make her an annual recipient? Oh well, we can afford to do it as needed. I just get frustrated!

These things just break the heart so much.

[kiwik]

On 11/7/2021 at 10:08 AM, Faith-manor said:

Thank you. The sad thing about the winter coats, boots, and hats and gloves is that the girls have them at their fathers' homes. But, these man/boys being immature, won't allow the girls to take anything but the clothes on their backs to their mother's on visitation even though thry admit that she is good about returning things. The two year old wails over her blankie being left behind every time, and the three are thrown into their respective vehicles without winter clothes and taken to meet their mom at McD's for the exchange. She brings blankets - something I should consider replacing this year because my brother says that the glimpse he has had of those blankets is they have several holes in each one - to keep them warm. But then they can't go out to play. Every year the social worker tells her to buy her kids coats and boots or else. It is basically an empty threat. They never move to end her visitation. And they aren't wrong. On the other hand they are dealing with a person who has bipolar disorder that is in a psychosis stage because she won't stay on her meds, and whose psychiatrist says she is not employable. Can't they contact the Marines' Coats for Kids, and just make her an annual recipient? Oh well, we can afford to do it as needed. I just get frustrated!

These things just break the heart so much.

I don't understand how anyone would ever treat kids that way.

[DawnM]

Just an update.   thank you all for your responses.

I did end up sending a Costco box with non-perishables in it.   I decided I won't send dog food anymore as I won't support the dogs.   Her daughter reported to me that she doesn't even like to go into the house anymore because it smells so bad because of the dogs.   

But I did send food and toiletries.