People from the past trying to rekindle relationships

[Ginevra]

This is the third time this seems to be happening and I am on the fence between just being unreliable about answering a message vs just telling this person…I’m not sure what I would tell them. 
 

The past two times they were former boyfriend-ish guys I “liked” in my teens. (Didn’t get far past “liking”.) One ended badly when I became aware he was trying to insinuate himself into my life; the other only messaged me for one conversation, got involved with a different high school woman, and “went away”. He may have been “trying,” but it came to nothing so it doesn’t matter. 
 

So. Now there’s another guy who was a friend/crush/like guy. He messaged me and I responded. He has an unusual name so, though he isn’t my friend on FB, Idid not mind responding. We had about a twenty minute text conversation with the usual “what are you doing now” stuff. He’s married; I’m married. We both have kids. 
 

However, he dropped some hints about not being totally happy in life. That is the same thing the other bf did when he was trying to establish something. He also messaged me again about a week later; just chatted a little bit about my daughter getting married. So now, about one more week later, he sent me a message asking about my Halloween. 
 

I haven’t answered him. I want him to stop messaging me. I am not going to nurture a friendship with a guy who isn’t my husband. I already know how this can go badly because IF his intentions are not pure, he will take my response to be interest. (That’s what the one guy did.) 

 

So. What do I do? I don’t like to imply that I *think* he’s trying to “start something,” because it’s really pretty offensive to make that assumption. But OTOH, there is NO future friendship here; I don’t do guy-crush friendships anyway. I don’t really want to completely drive him off…like, I would not mind if he messaged me once every *year* or two to catch up. But I don’t think there’s any way to tactfully say that. 
 

I could just keep failing to respond to his latest message, but that will definitely seem odd. He will wonder why I switched it off so abruptly. Is there anyway to graciously discourage him from messaging me? Should I just be “busy”; I.e., “Sorry I didn’t respond earlier, I’m really busy…well, nice chatting but I’m busy…etc.” Or would it be better to go nuclear and say, “I don’t engage in friendships with guys apart from my husband. So have a nice life.” 

[Rosie_0801]

I don't think you need to worry about offending someone you don't want to know.

[TABmom]

Maybe message him about how much fun you had with your husband? Just like he is dropping hints about being unhappy, you drop hints about being happy! If his intentions aren’t good, he’ll stop texting pretty quickly. 

[MEmama]

Well if you don’t want to rekindle a friendship, just say so. Your life is full and busy yada yada. But at least be honest and upfront. It takes a great deal of courage to search for someone and reach out.

I recently found my BFF from high school; our lives diverged 25 years ago or so and we lost touch. Finding him again has been the *best* thing for both of us, as it turns out. We have a history and bond that no new friendship could replace or replicate. It took a massive amount of bravery for me to write to him (an actual letter because all I could find was an address); it would have been devastating to just be ghosted or strung along. 
 

Middle age does weird things to people. I think it’s common to look back as we lurch forward into new stages of our lives, and old friendships can offer a guiding light back to our true selves, the person many of us lose along the way. 
 

I don’t understand adults not forming friendships with each other just because gender, but obviously you do you. I hope you’d give some consideration to his bravery though and let him know honestly how you feel. 

[Katy]

This has happened to me a few times.  The first thing I did was tell DH. The next thing I did, when asked about my marriage, was to say marrying DH was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made (which is true). 

One person took the hint.  The other I ended up blocking.  He’s an alcoholic who will likely never accept boundaries. 

[Katy]

28 minutes ago, MEmama said:

(Snip)

I don’t understand adults not forming friendships with each other just because gender, but obviously you do you. I hope you’d give some consideration to his bravery though and let him know honestly how you feel. 

But there’s a difference between a friend and a crush. It’s rarely a good idea to cultivate a friendship with someone you’re attracted to, especially when you’re married, with someone who’s clearly interested in an affair. 

[MEmama]

Just now, Katy said:

But there’s a difference between a friend and a crush. It’s rarely a good idea to cultivate a friendship with someone you’re attracted to, especially when you’re married, with someone who’s clearly interested in an affair. 

Yeah… I personally can’t imagine holding a crush from my *teens* against anyone! I’m waaaay too old for that. 🤣 But I'm not judging, just doesn’t make sense to me. 🤷‍♀️ It doesn’t have to. 
 

[Katy]

1 minute ago, MEmama said:

Yeah… I personally can’t imagine holding a crush from my *teens* against anyone! I’m waaaay too old for that. 🤣 But I'm not judging, just doesn’t make sense to me. 🤷‍♀️ It doesn’t have to. 
 

But if the person was clearly hinting they still like you and are putting out feelers to see if you’re interested in an affair, that’s not about what happened 25 years ago. That’s about ruining your marriage today.

[Wheres Toto]

I've had something similar happen twice in the past year or so.  That's not counting the random friend requests from men I don't know, have never known and seem to have very limited profiles which I just delete.

One was an amazing friend from college.   He lives in Texas so I never got the feeling there was anything more than reconnecting with a friend intended.   The first week or so we messaged quite a bit, catching up and talking about some things in college, but now it's down to mostly liking each others posts with the very occasional gif sharing.   

The other was my first boyfriend in high school.  He's friends with my brother so reconnecting certainly wouldn't be hard and I believe he lives at least semi-local to me (I didn't look).  I ignored his request, but mostly because just from what I've seen in his comments through my brother I know him and I have some very basic values in complete opposition.  So I have no interest in "rekindling" anything but also no desire to even be friends.    If I had accepted his friend request and wanted to step back, I might say I'm stepping back a little from social media and then unfriend/block them.   Wouldn't work with mutual friends but otherwise it should.

[EmilyGF]

I've had a fun time reconnecting with good friends from high school... but they were all female. 

I'd likely say hi, like you did, but then draw a hard line about talking about unhappiness in relationships. If that means you don't talk to him again, or that you change the subject, that's up to you. I find whiney people annoying, and I would probably avoid just based on that.

I'd basically cut off phone/text communication and send a nice Christmas card.

[Guest]

33 minutes ago, EmilyGF said:

I'd basically cut off phone/text communication and send a nice Christmas card.

Well I can’t send him a Christmas card because I would have to ask for his address, which would look like seeking connection. And I don’t want him to have mine. Although maybe he’s clever enough to find it. But I don’t want to volunteer it. He also doesn’t have my cell number and I’m keeping it that way. (When I say “text”, I’m talking about FB messenger.) 

[Danae]

If you wouldn’t mind occasional “hi, how was your holiday?” conversations if you knew for sure he wasn’t fishing for more I would respond briefly, but if he brings up unhappiness with his family respond with “I have a hard rule not to talk to men about their relationship issues.  It’s not good for anyone’s marriage.” 
 

Or you could just be upfront about it without accusing him “it’s been nice to reconnect, but just so you know I was recently burned by another high school friend who was fishing for an affair.  I’m happily married and if you start hinting in that direction I will drop you like a hot potato.”

[Selkie]

Since you want him to stop messaging you, I would not answer him. To avoid scenarios like this in the future, change your Facebook info so you are anonymous. A lot of women I know (myself included) do not use our last names or other identifying information on Facebook for this reason.

[regentrude]

I would be direct and not expect him to read your mind.
"Hey Joe, it was good to hear from you, but my life is very full and I need to limit my friends list. Thanks for understanding, I wish you the best."

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, Selkie said:

Since you want him to stop messaging you, I would not answer him. To avoid scenarios like this in the future, change your Facebook info so you are anonymous. A lot of women I know (myself included) do not use our last names or other identifying information on Facebook for this reason.

Yeah, I actually did that with my name a year ago, but we went to a tiny private school and I think he probably saw my comment on another friend from the tiny school’s page and figured I was probably the Danielle from then. 🤦🏻‍♀️

[Lecka]

Block him.  

[El...]

I think not answering a message is 100% ok, and this whole scenario sounds like a fishing expedition on his part. Silence is completely valid as a response. 

[Ausmumof3]

Lol just make sure you finish all your texts with full stops and he’ll get the hint (j/k - but maybe these younger kid texting conventions have something to them after all).  I don’t know what the best thing is but I would reply with polite but short not overly informative messages in the hope they got the hint.  I’m not good at being direct and wouldn’t want to assume anything.  I do think a lot of people are rethinking life and friendships and everything t post Covid.

eta if he’s a decent guy he’s going to take a hint and keep it light/friendly.  If he’s not things will escalate quickly and you can cut things short without feeling rude because you will know for sure that he had bad intentions. 

Edited November 3, 2021 by Ausmumof3

[Guest]

Oooh, there’s been a development. I guess my lack of response to his Halloween inquiry is giving him a hint because he sent another message saying Sorry I shouldn’t have imposed. So I guess I could just not respond to that either. 

[Lecka]

I don’t understand why this guy is owed some polite response or any response. 
 

He felt free to put out hints of what he is thinking.  
 

Why is there a responsibility to not hurt his feelings or something?

 

 

[Lecka]

Yeah, I think let that go. 

 

[Lecka]

To be fair here — my husband is on the receiving end of messages like this.  
 

I am fine with the kind of posts that show on his Facebook page and if he responds like that and they respond back that way — I think that is okay.  
 

Direct messages/texts are not okay with me.  
 

Edit:  nobody has looked me up, but several women like this have looked up my husband.  One of them is still a “commenter on Facebook” and seems above board to me.  The other ones — no interest in taking it off DM.  Or maybe they just found out he was married or not living in Colorado anymore — fair enough.  

Edited November 3, 2021 by Lecka

[J-rap]

Sounds like it's kind of settled, but otherwise, since the communication was already happening, I'd just say something like "glad you're doing okay, thanks for checking in" and then block him.  

But in the past when that has happened to me...if it's someone I truly am happy to hear from, I respond.  If it's not, I don't respond at all.  Simple as that.  ☺️

[marbel]

Yeah it sounds like he is unhappy and is looking for new female companionship. (Or not and is just feeing lonely and nostalgic.) I would probably just ignore the messages if you don't want to continue communicating with him. I think what Danae suggested is good if you want to keep communicating on a light/infrequent level. But if you don't, then just don't respond. If you had a real friendship with him, that might be different. 

Are you conflicted because generally you are a polite person and don't like to just ignore people? Because it's really OK to ignore people with whom you have no relationship and with whom you don't want to develop one. Especially one who may take any little thing you say as a sign of interest. 

 

Edited November 3, 2021 by marbel

[Guest]

1 minute ago, J-rap said:

Sounds like it's kind of settled, but otherwise, since the communication was already happening, I'd just say something like "glad you're doing okay, thanks for checking in" and then block him.  

But in the past when that has happened to me...if it's someone I truly am happy to hear from, I respond.  If it's not, I don't respond at all.  Simple as that.  ☺️

Yeah, I think that’s probably best in the future, but of course, initially   I *was* happy to hear from him. We lost touch when I started attending a different school, but we were good friends. It was only when I started to get the “vibe” that I was like, oh damn, not this again. (Cue Brittany: Oops I did it again…😄) 

[J-rap]

3 minutes ago, Quill said:

Yeah, I think that’s probably best in the future, but of course, initially   I *was* happy to hear from him. We lost touch when I started attending a different school, but we were good friends. It was only when I started to get the “vibe” that I was like, oh damn, not this again. (Cue Brittany: Oops I did it again…😄) 

That's true, I can see that happening!  Yeah in that situation, I don't think you owe him an explanation.  Just thanks, bye-bye, and block!

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, marbel said:

Are you conflicted because generally you are a polite person and don't like to just ignore people? Because it's really OK to ignore people with whom you have no relationship and with whom you don't want to develop one. Especially one who may take any little thing you say as a sign of interest. 

Yes because it seems mean and the guy is possibly not quite neurotypical. (There’s a whole raft of reasons I think this, but suffice it to say, I don’t want to confuse him.) 

I guess I just don’t relish the thought that he would be like, “What a bitch. Talked to me one week then ghosted me out of the blue.” 

[Selkie]

5 minutes ago, Quill said:

Yes because it seems mean and the guy is possibly not quite neurotypical. (There’s a whole raft of reasons I think this, but suffice it to say, I don’t want to confuse him.) 

I guess I just don’t relish the thought that he would be like, “What a bitch. Talked to me one week then ghosted me out of the blue.” 

If he’s the type of guy who’s fishing around on Facebook, he is probably quite used to getting ignored. It happens to guys like that all the time.

[marbel]

7 minutes ago, Quill said:

Yes because it seems mean and the guy is possibly not quite neurotypical. (There’s a whole raft of reasons I think this, but suffice it to say, I don’t want to confuse him.) 

I guess I just don’t relish the thought that he would be like, “What a bitch. Talked to me one week then ghosted me out of the blue.” 

I can see that, but on the other hand... what difference does it make, what he thinks of you at this point in your lives?  

I'm probably reading you all wrong, but I know so many women who feel this obligation to make others feel good all the time, not hurt feelings, etc. If you don't want to ghost him you can say "Hey, it was nice to hear from you and catch up. Take care." Most people would see that as "buh-bye" but of course someone who is not neurotypical may not read it the same way.

 

[Guest]

13 minutes ago, marbel said:

I can see that, but on the other hand... what difference does it make, what he thinks of you at this point in your lives?  

I'm probably reading you all wrong, but I know so many women who feel this obligation to make others feel good all the time, not hurt feelings, etc. If you don't want to ghost him you can say "Hey, it was nice to hear from you and catch up. Take care." Most people would see that as "buh-bye" but of course someone who is not neurotypical may not read it the same way.

 

Yeah, I mean I have mostly gotten over that; partially age I’m sure and partially working where I do, sometimes people are seriously displeased with me. I think it’s easier in those cases though because they are *nobody* to me. Just a client or potential client. It’s more difficult to think I will be not-thought-well-of by an old friend From way back. 

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Quill said:

Yeah, I mean I have mostly gotten over that; partially age I’m sure and partially working where I do, sometimes people are seriously displeased with me. I think it’s easier in those cases though because they are *nobody* to me. Just a client or potential client. It’s more difficult to think I will be not-thought-well-of by an old friend From way back. 

The thing is.....sometimes people are not honest with themselves as to why they are reaching out to a woman they used to know.  It is just really really easy to let boundaries slide with someone from our past.  That is why so many people end up having affairs with old boyfriend/girlfriends from their past that they reconnect with on FB.  

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

The thing is.....sometimes people are not honest with themselves as to why they are reaching out to a woman they used to know.  It is just really really easy to let boundaries slide with someone from our past.  That is why so many people end up having affairs with old boyfriend/girlfriends from their past that they reconnect with on FB.  

Yes. That’s why I think it’s best not to start down that path…”It’s just a chat message, what’s the harm.”…”It’s just a cup of coffee with an old friend, what’s the harm.”…”It’s a birthday party for an old friend, what’s the harm…” 

[Katy]

46 minutes ago, Quill said:

Yes because it seems mean and the guy is possibly not quite neurotypical. (There’s a whole raft of reasons I think this, but suffice it to say, I don’t want to confuse him.) 

I guess I just don’t relish the thought that he would be like, “What a bitch. Talked to me one week then ghosted me out of the blue.” 

If he was ever really your friend, he won’t think that. If he’s a creep, who cares?

When I was young I struggled with being called a bitch by creepy men I turned down. I’m doing my best to teach my children to be okay with being called that, and to call a creep a creep.  They don’t have any obligation to be nice to selfish bastards who only want one thing. Given that this guy already apologized, he’s not like that, but I think it’s best to let it drop.

[catz]

At this point in my life, I would ignore and block and give it zero bandwidth.   

[Lecka]

If he is not quite neurotypical, I think no response is the most kind.  No need to figure out hints or hidden messages.  
 

Also he did say “sorry to impose” and I think that is not a bad way for it to end on his side.  

 

[Lady Florida.]

It's okay to not keep messaging with him. I agree that it sounds like he's fishing and even if he's not neurotypical, or maybe especially if he isn't, you don't want to let him think there's more there than there is. Maybe message saying something like "It was great to hear from you. I'm pretty busy these days. Take care!" or something on that order. It lets him know you won't keep messaging but isn't mean.

[JustEm]

I have had fun with convos like that.  For example, my old best friend's ex boyfriend messaged once out of the blue. I hadn't heard from this guy in 15 years and didn't like him when I did know him so I knew immediately he was putting out feelers.  So, I said to dh that I got a random message from so and so and I bet he tells me how beautiful I am with the third message.  Dh was amused at my assumption and even more so when I turned out to be right.  I think the convo went.

Him: hey hj, it has been so long

Me: hey Steve, yeah it has been a long time

Him:  What have you been up to?

Me: Well I'm married with 4 kids, still live in same area. what about you?

Him:  Not much, you know how it is.  I was recently talking to Kat(his ex and my old best friend) and saw you on her facebook feed.  Damn girl you still hot as f***.

Me: Why thank you, my dh whom I am happily married to thinks so too.

He never messaged me again. 

 

There are certain former friends I would happily start talking to again and not assume they were after anything if they messaged me out of the blue.  Most of my friendships naturally ended because I got married so young and had kids so young.  Most of my friends from college were years away from getting married or having kids so our paths were just different then.  Now that our paths are more in line again I wouldn't be opposed to reforming those friendships even if they are males. Even former flings or crushes I don't see an issue with because I only have eyes for dh and nothing is going to change that.

We have hung out with a former really close friend of dh's who before we were dating confessed to him she had always had strong feelings for him.  He never pursued her even knowing that and then we started dating shortly after.  If she reentered our life as a close friend of his again I wouldn't mind because he's got very strict boundaries with females that he set up for himself after his first wife cheated on him with a coworker.

[JustEm]

OP, I would say if you don't want to have a friendship with men that aren't your dh your best bet is to ignore the initial messages in the first place or learn to be very blunt that you are happily married, are happy to reconnect, but have no interest in anything other than catching up every now and then.  There is nothing rude with being honest about what you want from any type of relationship.  You aren't assuming what their intentions are you are simply laying your intentions out there from the get go

 

[JustEm]

3 hours ago, MEmama said:

Well if you don’t want to rekindle a friendship, just say so. Your life is full and busy yada yada. But at least be honest and upfront. It takes a great deal of courage to search for someone and reach out.

I recently found my BFF from high school; our lives diverged 25 years ago or so and we lost touch. Finding him again has been the *best* thing for both of us, as it turns out. We have a history and bond that no new friendship could replace or replicate. It took a massive amount of bravery for me to write to him (an actual letter because all I could find was an address); it would have been devastating to just be ghosted or strung along. 
 

Middle age does weird things to people. I think it’s common to look back as we lurch forward into new stages of our lives, and old friendships can offer a guiding light back to our true selves, the person many of us lose along the way. 
 

I don’t understand adults not forming friendships with each other just because gender, but obviously you do you. I hope you’d give some consideration to his bravery though and let him know honestly how you feel. 

 

I'm 35 and find myself wanting to reach out to former friends from college and high school who I lost touch with because of life circumstances.  They were my peopl once upon a time and assuming their core interests haven't changed are likely still able to be my people.  I learned during this pandemic that the people I had been surrounding myself with prior to it are really not my people.  They were just convenient because of home schooling.  I do thankfully have a good core group of people that were dh's people prior to marriage and they are now my people too. I value their friendships so much but I'd like to expand that group and think I could with my former friends.  I'm too scared to reach out to any of them.

[WildflowerMom]

21 minutes ago, Lady Florida. said:

It's okay to not keep messaging with him. I agree that it sounds like he's fishing and even if he's not neurotypical, or maybe especially if he isn't, you don't want to let him think there's more there than there is. Maybe message saying something like "It was great to hear from you. I'm pretty busy these days. Take care!" or something on that order. It lets him know you won't keep messaging but isn't mean.

This.  Short, sweet, to the point.  

[BlsdMama]

4 hours ago, TABmom said:

Maybe message him about how much fun you had with your husband? Just like he is dropping hints about being unhappy, you drop hints about being happy! If his intentions aren’t good, he’ll stop texting pretty quickly. 

Yup - short and sweet and ask no questions. WE had a blast, HE (insert cute thing) Weathers getting cold, enjoy your holidays!

~Quill

 

 Because “enjoy the holidays” insinuates you won’t be talking to him again any time soon and asking no questions let’s it be known you don’t much care about any follow up. I’d he respond at all, a thumbs up response is a “nice” way to close a door. 
 

i think, often, we/they reach out to reminisce. I’ve had this with both old female and male friends. No big deal as long as once the catch up is done, it doesn’t rebuild a relationship you have no intention of wanting or encouraging. And no, I wouldn’t say more. How awkward. Obviously if it was more than a veiled hint, then yes, you can be abrupt. But complaining is a habit for many, many people. It doesn’t scream, “if like to start a relationship.”

Edited November 3, 2021 by BlsdMama

[Soror]

25 minutes ago, Lady Florida. said:

It's okay to not keep messaging with him. I agree that it sounds like he's fishing and even if he's not neurotypical, or maybe especially if he isn't, you don't want to let him think there's more there than there is. Maybe message saying something like "It was great to hear from you. I'm pretty busy these days. Take care!" or something on that order. It lets him know you won't keep messaging but isn't mean.

I'd say this. If he was overtly coming onto me I'd be more direct but with what he's done do far I'd go this route. If he tried to persist after that I'd bluntly tell him I wasn't interested or just ignore him. I don't have a lot of faith in most guy's ability to just be friends. There is often the inevitable little come-ons and feeler remarks. I have very little tolerance for it. Most guys either fall in that camp or too patriarchal (I live in a rural area). 

[Moonhawk]

I have reached out to 2 guy friends from high school. I think both thought I was fishing for something. Or, more accurately, their wives did. The first was ok, we were good friends but hadn't talked in 10 years so it didn't sting as much as I felt, "oops". But the other is a friend I text every birthday (never stopped) but we slowly drifted as we went to different colleges, got married, etc. When I tried to do a deeper convo of "how's everything going, how are the kids?" after the annual birthday text he didn't respond, and it made me sad to think I'd been cut off from an actual friendship.

All this to say, reaching out to old friends isn't stigmatized by me.

And now with that said: I wouldn't respond to this guy. At first, when he asked about Halloween my original impulse is to say send a pic of you and husband from Halloween if you had it, and say you had a great time. Or, say you had a great time with your DH bobbing for apples, whatever, and ask what his family did for the holiday. Then see if he tries to reach out again "too soon."

However, once he did a followup text, my inclination changes. Either that is a guilt-you-into-answering text, or a sincere-I'm-sorry-I-missed-a-boundary text. Either way, answering only muddies the waters. If you think it was a sincere apology, and you do want to keep causal contact, I would say, "No problem! It was a great Halloween, had fun with DH and the kids bobbing for apples. Sorry it took me so long to reply, it's very busy and I usually take a week or so to reply with casual conversations." So you can set an expectation and also show that a relationship with him is ok but not a priority. And I'd wait another day or so to send this, so it doesn't seem like his followup text goaded you into a response (and he doesn't have the power to do that).

[gardenmom5]

My opinion - take it for what it's worthy.  Years ago, I actually had a guy I briefly dated contact me for similar.   Let's jus say, his life was a mess, and I ended up blocking him.

These aren't guys interested in a friendship.  They're bored in their relationships/or no-longer-relationship and don't know how to meet women.  Or wanting the nostalgia and seeming comfort of their teen years when lie was uncomplicated.  so . . . tag, you're "it".

I'd stress I was happy with my husband, and keep it very light.   If I conversed with them at all.

[happi duck]

I would never in a million years think someone was fishing for an affair with me.  They would need to say "let's have an affair" and even then I'd probably say "lol" thinking it was a joke.  I guess I don't see myself as affair material.

I'd still message with an old friend and if I thought there was a vibe just say no to any invites for getting together.

[Guest]

12 minutes ago, Moonhawk said:

I have reached out to 2 guy friends from high school. I think both thought I was fishing for something. Or, more accurately, their wives did. The first was ok, we were good friends but hadn't talked in 10 years so it didn't sting as much as I felt, "oops". But the other is a friend I text every birthday (never stopped) but we slowly drifted as we went to different colleges, got married, etc. When I tried to do a deeper convo of "how's everything going, how are the kids?" after the annual birthday text he didn't respond, and it made me sad to think I'd been cut off from an actual friendship.

All this to say, reaching out to old friends isn't stigmatized by me.

And now with that said: I wouldn't respond to this guy. At first, when he asked about Halloween my original impulse is to say send a pic of you and husband from Halloween if you had it, and say you had a great time. Or, say you had a great time with your DH bobbing for apples, whatever, and ask what his family did for the holiday. Then see if he tries to reach out again "too soon."

However, once he did a followup text, my inclination changes. Either that is a guilt-you-into-answering text, or a sincere-I'm-sorry-I-missed-a-boundary text. Either way, answering only muddies the waters. If you think it was a sincere apology, and you do want to keep causal contact, I would say, "No problem! It was a great Halloween, had fun with DH and the kids bobbing for apples. Sorry it took me so long to reply, it's very busy and I usually take a week or so to reply with casual conversations." So you can set an expectation and also show that a relationship with him is ok but not a priority. And I'd wait another day or so to send this, so it doesn't seem like his followup text goaded you into a response (and he doesn't have the power to do that).

I think all this is perfect. 

[Guest]

Just now, happi duck said:

I would never in a million years think someone was fishing for an affair with me.  They would need to say "let's have an affair" and even then I'd probably say "lol" thinking it was a joke.  I guess I don't see myself as affair material.

I'd still message with an old friend and if I thought there was a vibe just say no to any invites for getting together.

Well I feel like I paid in hard feelings with the first “old friend”, *because* I was busy never thinking in a million years he was feeling me out. In the very first conversation I told him I was happily married for ages of time, so I was still not thinking, “he’s laying groundwork.” I didn’t see that he was laying groundwork *At All* until he invited me to a party IRL and then was extremely pissed off when I said No way, can’t do that, it looks inappropriate and would distress dh, which, in his shoes I would find upsetting too. Then “old friend” went bananas on me. so - lesson learned. 

[MEmama]

44 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

 

I'm 35 and find myself wanting to reach out to former friends from college and high school who I lost touch with because of life circumstances.  They were my peopl once upon a time and assuming their core interests haven't changed are likely still able to be my people.  I learned during this pandemic that the people I had been surrounding myself with prior to it are really not my people.  They were just convenient because of home schooling.  I do thankfully have a good core group of people that were dh's people prior to marriage and they are now my people too. I value their friendships so much but I'd like to expand that group and think I could with my former friends.  I'm too scared to reach out to any of them.

It *is* scary. It’s making yourself vulnerable to assumptions, judgments, to old and new rejections. I am VERY thankful I hadn’t read through a thread like this before reaching out to Best Friend; it would have destroyed any shred of confidence and bravery I managed to muster up before contacting him. As it is, we have rekindled our deep friendship, both of us older, wiser and as close as though the decades had never passed. 
 

I guess I’m in the minority, but I would *love* to hear from old friends—even and especially exes, with whom I once shared unique friendships and experiences. It wouldn’t bother me one bit if the same happened for DH; I guess we’ve been together so long I just can’t imagine mustering up any jealousy for decades old feelings. 🤷‍♀️
 

 

[SKL]

Just ask how his wife is doing and say you wish them both well.  And then stop answering.

I have a rather persistant guy - unmarried, but I'm not interested at all!  If I respond to his kind messages, he gets encouraged and keeps messaging me nonstop!  I feel rude not responding, but that's what I have to do, and it's not my fault.

Another guy, he's divorced, and I might be interested after my kids are adults, which I've told him.  So he texts me several times a week and calls sometimes.  I respond politely.  He knows where I stand and isn't annoying.

ETA:  I just assume people here know I am single, LOL.  Don't be horrified that I might be interested in dating [an unmarried guy] again someday.  😛

Edited November 3, 2021 by SKL

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, MEmama said:

It *is* scary. It’s making yourself vulnerable to assumptions, judgments, to old and new rejections. I am VERY thankful I hadn’t read through a thread like this before reaching out to Best Friend; it would have destroyed any shred of confidence and bravery I managed to muster up before contacting him. As it is, we have rekindled our deep friendship, both of us older, wiser and as close as though the decades had never passed. 
 

I guess I’m in the minority, but I would *love* to hear from old friends—even and especially exes, with whom I once shared unique friendships and experiences. It wouldn’t bother me one bit if the same happened for DH; I guess we’ve been together so long I just can’t imagine mustering up any jealousy for decades old feelings. 🤷‍♀️
 

 

Interesting. I don’t feel the same way at all. There’s such a thing as an emotional affair. After that bad experience with the first guy, in retrospect I think he probably did some internet sleuthing and then used it to show how much we had in common. (Building rapport.)

Ex.: Him: “Oh this weekend I binge-watched the entire Harry Potter series. Just love it. I’m a total Potterhead.” 
Me: “Really?? Me too!”

(Him silently probably snickering to himself and saying, yeah I know; I saw multiple references on your SM.)