50/50 parenting

[Selkie]

Another vote for lawyer ASAP.

If I were in your shoes, I would be a bit worried at this point that I might end up having to raise the baby - just from what you've said about her not liking being a mom, and your dss being unwilling or unable to adjust his work schedule so it is more conducive to parenting.

[TechWife]

19 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

We are willing to help him  A LOT, but we won’t help him as long as he is giving his entire check to support her and creating a situation where he can’t see his baby. 
 

So no we aren’t saying to pull himself up by his bootstraps. We are requesting a bare min of good decisions. 

What if, in his opinion, he is making good decisions? What if the best decision of all is for him to see a lawyer? 

[WildflowerMom]

1 minute ago, Selkie said:

Another vote for lawyer ASAP.

If I were in your shoes, I would be a bit worried at this point that I might end up having to raise the baby - just from what you've said about her not liking being a mom, and your dss being unwilling or unable to adjust his work schedule so it is more conducive to parenting.

While this would certainly be one of my fears, as well, I think right now it's likely the baby will end up with its maternal grandparents.   Mom doesn't want to really parent.  Dad doesn't want to get a job with stability.   I'd put money on the maternal grandparents raising the child.   

[Scarlett]

25 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

You're asking him to stop having trauma responses. That's a big ask.
That's what he's doing. Freeze and fawn.

And you think an attorney can help him with that?

[Scarlett]

24 minutes ago, theelfqueen said:

He needs someone outside of the situation, with knowledge and experience to help him see that the decisions which make sense to him (make more money - so keep the night job, show kindness and monetary support for the sake of his baby- pay stbx's bills).... are not, in fact, the right choices or well-advised. 

From his perspective-he is doing the right and sensible thing. Someone has told him he needs to do these things or it will cost him (probably her or her friends) ... that to do less would harm his outcome with his son.

 

I do not trust an attorney to help him with those decisions. 

[Scarlett]

9 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

While this would certainly be one of my fears, as well, I think right now it's likely the baby will end up with its maternal grandparents.   Mom doesn't want to really parent.  Dad doesn't want to get a job with stability.   I'd put money on the maternal grandparents raising the child.   

We would raise the baby. But the way the system works it is unlikely we will get the option 

[Rosie_0801]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

And you think an attorney can help him with that?

They aren't miracle workers, but yes, they'll tell him what kind of fawning pays off and what doesn't.

[hippymamato3]

42 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

He probably isn’t ideal parent material and neither is she but they are his parents.  
 

They had an agreement on who pays what and that she would be moving out of the apartment . Every time she fails to do her part he rushes in and picks up the pieces. And pays. And pays. 

I understand neither of them are ideal parents, but she appears to be taking care of the baby while he continuously makes choices that mean he can't have custody. It seems that him paying support while she has their child most of the time is what makes the most sense.

[Annie G]

Does he need his dad to step in and be there or at least be on the phone to walk him thru saying no to her when she needs money? I wonder if someone stood up to her if she’d back down. Because right now there’s no reason for her to not take advantage of him. 
 

[WildflowerMom]

1 minute ago, hippymamato3 said:

I understand neither of them are ideal parents, but she appears to be taking care of the baby while he continuously makes choices that mean he can't have custody. It seems that him paying support while she has their child most of the time is what makes the most sense.

Yes.   Maybe she is the better parent right now, whether she particularly wants to be or not.     Maybe he's rejecting the ideas because he really doesn't want to be a full time dad?   He is young, unstable, not from the greatest home life, so maybe he is self-sabotaging?   And I'm not saying that as a slight at all towards ds!   I think that would be a fairly common response for young, unexpectedly single dads.  

[Terabith]

I can also easily envision a scenario where him taking a lower paying day job is looked upon unfavorably.  

[Faith-manor]

2 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

Yes.   Maybe she is the better parent right now, whether she particularly wants to be or not.     Maybe he's rejecting the ideas because he really doesn't want to be a full time dad?   He is young, unstable, not from the greatest home life, so maybe he is self-sabotaging?   And I'm not saying that as a slight at all towards ds!   I think that would be a fairly common response for young, unexpectedly single dads.  

Could be this. He may be so overwhelmed that all he wants is to be a weekend dad.

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I can also easily envision a scenario where him taking a lower paying day job is looked upon unfavorably.  

I disagree. He would be taking it so he could have half time with his child. He isn’t taking  it to avoid child support since they have agreed on no child support.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Faith-manor said:

Could be this. He may be so overwhelmed that all he wants is to be a weekend dad.

This is what I am worried about. 

[Scarlett]

13 minutes ago, Annie G said:

Does he need his dad to step in and be there or at least be on the phone to walk him thru saying no to her when she needs money? I wonder if someone stood up to her if she’d back down. Because right now there’s no reason for her to not take advantage of him. 
 

This is something dh offered today. Maybe he will take him up on it. 

[Faith-manor]

Just now, Scarlett said:

This is what I am worried about. 

Scarlett, many many hugs! I am so sorry, because I know this little grandbaby is so very precious to you, and you do not want to lose him out of your life. This whole thing stinks. 💓

[Terabith]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I disagree. He would be taking it so he could have half time with his child. He isn’t taking  it to avoid child support since they have agreed on no child support.

But the COURT has not agreed to no child support!  The CHILD is the one owed support, not the mom.  

And I think the chances of this not ending up in court at some point are approximately nil.  

[Scarlett]

16 hours ago, WildflowerMom said:

Yes.   Maybe she is the better parent right now, whether she particularly wants to be or not.     Maybe he's rejecting the ideas because he really doesn't want to be a full time dad?   He is young, unstable, not from the greatest home life, so maybe he is self-sabotaging?   And I'm not saying that as a slight at all towards ds!   I think that would be a fairly common response for young, unexpectedly single dads.  

I don’t really think 25 is that young… but he has not had good parenting since he was 11. That is what dh is doing now… parenting him . The fact that he doesn’t hang up and shut dh out gives me hope. Dh was being very gentle until today. He was very firm today

. 

Edited November 30, 2021 by Scarlett

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Terabith said:

But the COURT has not agreed to no child support!  The CHILD is the one owed support, not the mom.  

And I think the chances of this not ending up in court at some point are approximately nil.  

You might be right.

Not something we can control. 

If they agree to terms which are reasonable a judge in this area will approve it. 

[Terabith]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

You might be right.

Not something we can control. 

If they agree to terms which are reasonable a judge in this area will approve it. 

But talking to a lawyer would give you information about what he should do.  Right now, you guys are just GUESSING and trying to get him to go along with it.  

[Scarlett]

Just now, Terabith said:

But talking to a lawyer would give you information about what he should do.  Right now, you guys are just GUESSING and trying to get him to go along with it.  

We aren’t guessing. We are very familiar with this process. 

[Terabith]

The other thing is that he needs to be divorced like yesterday, because she can do all sorts of things to ruin him.  Or she could take the baby and leave the state.  She could drain his bank accounts, or take on LOADS more debt that he would be liable for.  Not getting a lawyer allows this whole process to drag out, and she can cause damage every single day.  He's truly in an alarming position.  

[Scarlett]

Just now, Terabith said:

The other thing is that he needs to be divorced like yesterday, because she can do all sorts of things to ruin him.  Or she could take the baby and leave the state.  She could drain his bank accounts, or take on LOADS more debt that he would be liable for.  Not getting a lawyer allows this whole process to drag out, and she can cause damage every single day.  He's truly in an alarming position.  

All things we have told him repeatedly.  

[Terabith]

A lawyer would expedite the whole process.  Just saying.  

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, Terabith said:

A lawyer would expedite the whole process.  Just saying.  

I completely disagree. Lawyers are sooooo slow. Because…. Hours. 
 

 

[Spryte]

Scarlett, is your DS still holding out hope that things will work out? 

[hippymamato3]

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

This is what I am worried about. 

Why does that worry you? 

 

[Murphy101]

5 hours ago, Scarlett said:

A lawyer will not be helpful at this point.  His mind is not straight.  

No one needs a lawyer MORE than someone who doesn’t have their mind straight while trying to deal with things that have very real legal consequences that they may never disentangle themselves from later.  Lawyer.   He needs one asap.

I’d tell him to get a lawyer and counseling and stick with them or move out. Seriously. I’d feel that strongly about it.  I can’t stop my adult children from self-sabotaging or making bad choices but I refuse to perpetuate or enable further trauma on everyone by making it easier for them to do by living here.  

 

[Bootsie]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

They had an agreement on who pays what and that she would be moving out of the apartment . Every time she fails to do her part he rushes in and picks up the pieces. And pays. And pays. 

To me, a major issue is that she does not keep agreements.  It doesn't really matter how much he knows that they need to have an agreement or makes agreements, if she is not going to honor those agreements, the agreement is worthless if she does not keep it and if he has no legal recourse when she doesn't.  I know little about the situation, but I would be concerned that she has a track record of not keeping agreements and there doesn't seem to be anything to make that change in the future.  There are, perhaps, some things he could do to make it more uncomfortable for her when she does not keep her agreements, like not paying the electric bill, but those decisions may also have some consequences for him.  And, it is not clear how much discomfort she would have to feel before she gained the desire to keep (and the maturity necessary) agreements.  In the meantime she might become more difficult to work with making his overall negotiations more difficult.  He really can't make her agree to anything and move forward with a divorce and the longer the situation drags on the worse the situation is for both him ad the child.  A lawyer would be able to document her lack of cooperation and would be able to force that the situation move forward.  

[BusyMom5]

For the apartment- I would have him contact the landlord and let them know right now that he has moved out, he will be paying the full years rent- I think you said 2 months, but when the lease renews he will no longer be liable and he wants his name off the contract.  That feels more than fair.  It gives him a set date for when he is done paying her rent, and legally gets him out of any entanglements.  I'm wondering if having him off the lease will allow him to feel more comfortable saying no to her.  You can also call city utilities and see if he can get his name off of the account since he has moved out.  All of the joint expenses need to separate.   

From your posts he sounds so lost.  I would call up a few lawyers and have a list made for him.  

[Scarlett]

9 hours ago, Spryte said:

Scarlett, is your DS still holding out hope that things will work out? 

🤷🏻‍♀️ Hard to say.  His actions indicate that to me,  

[Scarlett]

9 hours ago, hippymamato3 said:

Why does that worry you? 

 

They are cringy people.  The dad has stated directly to me or posted on his FB every conspiracy theory there is.  
 

But on second thought I am not sure they will want to raise him…the wife was watching our grandson and her other grandchild but made both parents  get other childcare about 6 months ago.  

[Scarlett]

9 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

No one needs a lawyer MORE than someone who doesn’t have their mind straight while trying to deal with things that have very real legal consequences that they may never disentangle themselves from later.  Lawyer.   He needs one asap.

I’d tell him to get a lawyer and counseling and stick with them or move out. Seriously. I’d feel that strongly about it.  I can’t stop my adult children from self-sabotaging or making bad choices but I refuse to perpetuate or enable further trauma on everyone by making it easier for them to do by living here.  

 

He is not living with us.  We let him come here when he has the baby.  But that is not often since he is working double shifts.  
 

We have told him we will help him in a number of ways (food/shelter/attorney if it comes to that) but not until we see him making an effort to help himself. 

[Scarlett]

8 hours ago, Bootsie said:

To me, a major issue is that she does not keep agreements.  It doesn't really matter how much he knows that they need to have an agreement or makes agreements, if she is not going to honor those agreements, the agreement is worthless if she does not keep it and if he has no legal recourse when she doesn't.  I know little about the situation, but I would be concerned that she has a track record of not keeping agreements and there doesn't seem to be anything to make that change in the future.  There are, perhaps, some things he could do to make it more uncomfortable for her when she does not keep her agreements, like not paying the electric bill, but those decisions may also have some consequences for him.  And, it is not clear how much discomfort she would have to feel before she gained the desire to keep (and the maturity necessary) agreements.  In the meantime she might become more difficult to work with making his overall negotiations more difficult.  He really can't make her agree to anything and move forward with a divorce and the longer the situation drags on the worse the situation is for both him ad the child.  A lawyer would be able to document her lack of cooperation and would be able to force that the situation move forward.  

I agree there is a chance she will not sign off on what she has verbally agreed to.  If that happens then yes he will have to get an attorney.  But he has not set up his life to even make it worthwhile to fight her on anything.  He will not get 50/50 custody in a court battle when he is working double shifts at nights and weekends.  
 

He needs to

1. Get a day job.

2. Move into our home or apartment on our property and establish 30 days of residency in this county so he can file

3. Get the agreement written up and see if she will actually sign. 
 

But until he is in a position to parent 50/50 it is pointless to waste money on an attorney unless she gets one first.  It is doubtful she will get an attorney because she has no money.  Although of course he makes it easier for her to save money for an attorney because he is paying all of her stuff.  
 

 

[Scarlett]

7 hours ago, BusyMom5 said:

For the apartment- I would have him contact the landlord and let them know right now that he has moved out, he will be paying the full years rent- I think you said 2 months, but when the lease renews he will no longer be liable and he wants his name off the contract.  That feels more than fair.  It gives him a set date for when he is done paying her rent, and legally gets him out of any entanglements.  I'm wondering if having him off the lease will allow him to feel more comfortable saying no to her.  You can also call city utilities and see if he can get his name off of the account since he has moved out.  All of the joint expenses need to separate.   

From your posts he sounds so lost.  I would call up a few lawyers and have a list made for him.  

He is pretty stuck on the apartment although I think he can not pay the last two months and they will take it out of his deposit.  He has already spoken to them and told them he would come clean the apartment as soon as his wife is out…..but he literally cannot force her out since her name is on the lease.  And as for the utilities, again he is stuck….a judge would not like him turning off utilities on child.  

[BusyMom5]

I didn't suggest turning utilities off,but seeing if his name can be removed since he's no longer living there.  If it costs money, I'd wait until the apartment lease is up.  

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, BusyMom5 said:

I didn't suggest turning utilities off,but seeing if his name can be removed since he's no longer living there.  If it costs money, I'd wait until the apartment lease is up.  

Oh I know.  But I don't think she can get it in her name, so that is effectively what they would do.  If he says 'remove my name' and she can't pay the bill they will shut it off. 

Dss25 had so many excuses yesterday talking to his dad....

She has no where to go

She has to have surgery so she has to keep the apartment

I have to fix her car 

I have to pay the utilities

I have to pay her car payment

I have to fix the dryer

I have to pay her half of day care.

Dh explained to him in no uncertain terms.....no you don't!  You do not have to do any of that!  She has made the decision that she doesn't want to be married to you and your responsibility to her has ended.  It is time to begin the process of separating your finances.  You cannot afford to do what you are doing for her. SHE will figure out where to live when she has no apartment.  Maybe she needs to postpone her surgery, maybe she will have to move in with her parents.  But when you stop paying her way SHE WILL figure it out.  

Dh wants to take dss to the apartment and start moving his stuff out and say directly to the DIL, 'Ds cannot afford to pay on this apartment, can we help you move your stuff to a storage unit?'  Which is more than we should do but if ds would agree to that we would do it to facilitate moving forward.

But regardless.....he may be stuck on the utilities but he can stop paying the rent and at the end of January she will have to get out.  In the mean time he needs to do the work to set his own situation up to get ready to file.

None of our suggestions and plans will work though as long as he FEELS he needs to take care of her bills.

And dh told him that straight up....dss said, 'well, I feel it is the right thing to do.  I still love her.'  And other similar things in the course of a long conversation....Dh told him, 'that is the problem here son, you are letting your FEELINGS lead you.  You have to start using your reasoning powers and make decisions based upon your mind and not your heart.'

 

[bolt.]

Is there any possibility of thinking outside of the 50/50 parenting box?

What if he can keep working his nights and weekends job (which he seems motivated to do) in a moderate way that allows him to parent some of the time, but not half of the time? Many divorced fathers have parenting time for 2 or 4 day stretches every week or every two weeks -- or something like that. (He must get some shifts off, at least when he is not working 'doubles'. Or it might be possible for him to arrange night care, and be up for some daytimes even while working.)

What if he uses the money he earns to pay child support (which he seems motivated to do, and capable of paying) in a reasonable amount? One (predictable) support payment might continue to enable her and the child to live in a normal apartment (such as the one she already lives in), pay for childcare, keep a vehicle, etc. while managing her own finances and not continually asking for bail-outs or specific things to be paid.

Surely that kind of parenting arrangement works for many families?

Why push him out of his natural inclination (work a lot of the time, send money to pay bills, have parenting time when he is off) and towards the goal of a 50/50 arrangement?

I don't see the motive. Is the desire for 50/50 coming from her? Does he view it as a moral obligation to fight for 'as much time as possible'? Is it coming from his childhood? Is it a perspective from his dad and/or from you?

Might it be okay for him to be a part-time Dad, working hard and making child support payments to keep his child well provided for? Maybe, if this is okay, someone needs to tell him it's actually okay.

Edited November 30, 2021 by bolt.

[Bootsie]

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I agree there is a chance she will not sign off on what she has verbally agreed to.  If that happens then yes he will have to get an attorney.  But he has not set up his life to even make it worthwhile to fight her on anything.  He will not get 50/50 custody in a court battle when he is working double shifts at nights and weekends.  
 

He needs to

1. Get a day job.

2. Move into our home or apartment on our property and establish 30 days of residency in this county so he can file

3. Get the agreement written up and see if she will actually sign. 
 

But until he is in a position to parent 50/50 it is pointless to waste money on an attorney unless she gets one first.  It is doubtful she will get an attorney because she has no money.  Although of course he makes it easier for her to save money for an attorney because he is paying all of her stuff.  
 

 

I agree that it would be ideal if he could get those things done.  I have seen it be very difficult when you are dealing with someone who is immature, emotionally distraught, under stress, or in many other situations to be able to get those done in a quick, efficient manner no matter how obvious it seems from the outside.  

I have also seen many situations which parents have custody or 50/50 custody who do not have a day job.  That may be best in this particular situation, but it isn't a prerequisite.  I have also seen situations like this in which there is a written, signed agreement, but it is in no way legally binding.  One party goes in front of the judge and says they were so upset about the divorce and didn't have legal advice when they signed it.  If it were my child, my advice would be to work toward a legally binding agreement as soon as possible.  While there may not be a lot of property  to divide at this point, and the main issue appears to be the custody arrangement, as long as things drag out, more issues can come up that could leave him liable.  

[Scarlett]

28 minutes ago, bolt. said:

Is there any possibility of thinking outside of the 50/50 parenting box?

What if he can keep working his nights and weekends job (which he seems motivated to do) in a moderate way that allows him to parent some of the time, but not half of the time? Many divorced fathers have parenting time for 2 or 4 day stretches every week or every two weeks -- or something like that. (He must get some shifts off, at least when he is not working 'doubles'. Or it might be possible for him to arrange night care, and be up for some daytimes even while working.)

What if he uses the money he earns to pay child support (which he seems motivated to do, and capable of paying) in a reasonable amount? One (predictable) support payment might continue to enable her and the child to live in a normal apartment (such as the one she already lives in), pay for childcare, keep a vehicle, etc. while managing her own finances and not continually asking for bail-outs or specific things to be paid.

Surely that kind of parenting arrangement works for many families?

Why push him out of his natural inclination (work a lot of the time, send money to pay bills, have parenting time when he is off) and towards the goal of a 50/50 arrangement?

I don't see the motive. Is the desire for 50/50 coming from her? Does he view it as a moral obligation to fight for 'as much time as possible'? Is it coming from his childhood? Is it a perspective from his dad and/or from you?

Might it be okay for him to be a part-time Dad, working hard and making child support payments to keep his child well provided for? Maybe, if this is okay, someone needs to tell him it's actually okay.

In the very beginning when he came to us we straight up asked him if he wanted to have his son half time.  He said yes.  He has repeatedly said yes in a way that makes us think it is true.  So if he is not being honest with himself I don't know where to go with that.

She wants only 50/50 time with their son.  And he has said he thinks he will end up with son full time eventually.  

It is really difficult to explain all of this but even if he keeps working nights the current job is over an hour from the baby's daycare and from anywhere that the child's mom will probably be living.  That job is also an hour from us in a different direction.  In the town where that job is, and in the town (another hour in a different direction) where he has been living with a friend he has no one to help him in any way with child care over night etc.  It is completely unsustainable anyway anyone looks at it unless he never wants to see his son.  

[Scarlett]

13 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

I agree that it would be ideal if he could get those things done.  I have seen it be very difficult when you are dealing with someone who is immature, emotionally distraught, under stress, or in many other situations to be able to get those done in a quick, efficient manner no matter how obvious it seems from the outside.  

I have also seen many situations which parents have custody or 50/50 custody who do not have a day job.  That may be best in this particular situation, but it isn't a prerequisite.  I have also seen situations like this in which there is a written, signed agreement, but it is in no way legally binding.  One party goes in front of the judge and says they were so upset about the divorce and didn't have legal advice when they signed it.  If it were my child, my advice would be to work toward a legally binding agreement as soon as possible.  While there may not be a lot of property  to divide at this point, and the main issue appears to be the custody arrangement, as long as things drag out, more issues can come up that could leave him liable.  

To be clear we have never suggested a non legally binding agreement.  We know it has to go before a judge.  But a lot of money will be saved and emotions preserved if they actually sign off on what they have verbally agreed to.  

We are just taking a step back.  What dh said to him yesterday was pretty much tough love but he did repeat several times, 'I am telling you this straight up  because I love you and you need someone to be honest with you.'  So now we just have to wait and see what happens.  We can't prevent a crisis from occuring due to his inactions or actions, so we will just get to do what we feel good about doing when the time  comes.

[Faith-manor]

9 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

To be clear we have never suggested a non legally binding agreement.  We know it has to go before a judge.  But a lot of money will be saved and emotions preserved if they actually sign off on what they have verbally agreed to.  

We are just taking a step back.  What dh said to him yesterday was pretty much tough love but he did repeat several times, 'I am telling you this straight up  because I love you and you need someone to be honest with you.'  So now we just have to wait and see what happens.  We can't prevent a crisis from occuring due to his inactions or actions, so we will just get to do what we feel good about doing when the time  comes.

Yes. Sadly, though the well being of this little boy is at stake, you can't do anymore. I commend your dh for making the effort though!

It does occur to me that dss might have said he wanted 50/50 and made indications that this was sincere, while really not wanting it. He just didn't want to disappoint his dad. I guess that would be a conversation to be had with a licensed counselor who can be impartial.

[Scarlett]

The evening after dh was so tough on him, dh texted him and told him he loved him.  Dss answered back, 'I love you too.'

So for this kid that is good news.  

Dh told me that months ago, before his wife kicked him out, dh was talking to him about other things...not sure what....and he asked dss, 'who are you talking to that is giving you that advice?'

So maybe he came to dh and me because he wants good advice, but he is struggling with executing said advice.

[Scarlett]

So dh just got a phone call from him.  He has found a job in the city where his son is for more money than what he is currently making.  Still nights, but at least it is near his son.  He asked for $100 to pay the bond required to get the job.  He told dh, ' I know I have to start making better decisions but this is what I want to do right now.'  

Dh agreed to give him the money.  It is the first he has asked for money.  So I know he is feeling really desperate.  I have no idea where he is going to sleep.  If he is planning on living with us it will be a nightmare with him working nights and us working days.  I think we will have to get the apartment ready for him if that is the plan.  But at least he will be doing less up and down and all around driving which will help.

[fairfarmhand]

6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

So dh just got a phone call from him.  He has found a job in the city where his son is for more money than what he is currently making.  Still nights, but at least it is near his son.  He asked for $100 to pay the bond required to get the job.  He told dh, ' I know I have to start making better decisions but this is what I want to do right now.'  

Dh agreed to give him the money.  It is the first he has asked for money.  So I know he is feeling really desperate.  I have no idea where he is going to sleep.  If he is planning on living with us it will be a nightmare with him working nights and us working days.  I think we will have to get the apartment ready for him if that is the plan.  But at least he will be doing less up and down and all around driving which will help.

There are families that make it work. My brother in law worked nights when he had a stay at home wife with three little kids. He had a huge box fan to help with noise and taped foil on the windows to block the light. He grew used to sleeping through normal household noises because nobody should be expected to tiptoe throughout their day.

Also, my dd and her dh work opposite shifts. He sleeps while she is at work during the day. He's getting off work and going to bed while she is getting up and heading out. Workdays are really not too bad. Weekends are bit trickier because he keeps to his same sleep schedule, sleeping in the daytime, so she has to be mindful of that. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

14 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

There are families that make it work. My brother in law worked nights when he had a stay at home wife with three little kids. He had a huge box fan to help with noise and taped foil on the windows to block the light. He grew used to sleeping through normal household noises because nobody should be expected to tiptoe throughout their day.

Also, my dd and her dh work opposite shifts. He sleeps while she is at work during the day. He's getting off work and going to bed while she is getting up and heading out. Workdays are really not too bad. Weekends are bit trickier because he keeps to his same sleep schedule, sleeping in the daytime, so she has to be mindful of that. 

We do the same. Box fan and black out curtains.  People get used to it.

I have several single dad acquaintances who work nights, whether security or law enforcement.  Generally it seems the child spends the night with grandparents or a babysitter, Dad has them after school/day care starting around 3pm-bedtime when he starts getting ready to go back for the night shifts.   If they’re working 12 hour shifts it’s usually only 3-4 days a week.  They make it work, and it seems to be okay. Some people, my husband included, seem to really love night shift and thrive there.

[Scarlett]

46 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

There are families that make it work. My brother in law worked nights when he had a stay at home wife with three little kids. He had a huge box fan to help with noise and taped foil on the windows to block the light. He grew used to sleeping through normal household noises because nobody should be expected to tiptoe throughout their day.

Also, my dd and her dh work opposite shifts. He sleeps while she is at work during the day. He's getting off work and going to bed while she is getting up and heading out. Workdays are really not too bad. Weekends are bit trickier because he keeps to his same sleep schedule, sleeping in the daytime, so she has to be mindful of that. 

 

29 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

We do the same. Box fan and black out curtains.  People get used to it.

I have several single dad acquaintances who work nights, whether security or law enforcement.  Generally it seems the child spends the night with grandparents or a babysitter, Dad has them after school/day care starting around 3pm-bedtime when he starts getting ready to go back for the night shifts.   If they’re working 12 hour shifts it’s usually only 3-4 days a week.  They make it work, and it seems to be okay. Some people, my husband included, seem to really love night shift and thrive there.

 I am not sure yet what night shift he has.....if he does 4-midnight  Dss would have to get up by the time we leave around 8:00 a.m and then he would need child care from about 3 until we get home (I get home by 5:05).  

The midnight to 8:00 a.m. shift would be more difficult because he gets off as we are going to work....dh could get baby to day care and pick him up too I guess.  

We will just have to see how it shakes out. 

[Slache]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

So dh just got a phone call from him.  He has found a job in the city where his son is for more money than what he is currently making.  Still nights, but at least it is near his son.  He asked for $100 to pay the bond required to get the job.  He told dh, ' I know I have to start making better decisions but this is what I want to do right now.'  

Dh agreed to give him the money.  It is the first he has asked for money.  So I know he is feeling really desperate.  I have no idea where he is going to sleep.  If he is planning on living with us it will be a nightmare with him working nights and us working days.  I think we will have to get the apartment ready for him if that is the plan.  But at least he will be doing less up and down and all around driving which will help.

I am very ignorant on custody issues, but why don't they make the arrangement according to their work schedules? He could watch the baby while she's at work and vice versa.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Slache said:

I am very ignorant on custody issues, but why don't they make the arrangement according to their work schedules? He could watch the baby while she's at work and vice versa.

See my last post above.....

I don't think either of them are stable enough to make a schedule based upon their work schedules.  Both of them have schedules that change at the drop of a hat.

The whole thing makes me a little nauseous. 

[Scarlett]

Also both sets of grandparents live 30-45 minutes in opposite directions from where they are going to be working/living.  So it isn't easy to drop baby off at grandparents before you leave for night shift or day shift, if the other parent has an overlap in work times.