50/50 parenting

[WildflowerMom]

Girl, I def am not going to yell at you.   Him?   Yeah, I'd like to yell at him right now.   I think I'd just lay it all out there.   No, I take that back.  I know I would.    It would begin with, "have you lost your (insert whatever cuss word you feel comfortable with) mind??     Get your (insert whatever word) together, stop being a total moron, and man the (insert whatever word) up."  That's the beginning.  It would go on from there.   Just being truthful.  I would snap.    And how about telling him to go home since he is paying all the bills there, he can live there.   They can date whoever they want to, since apparently they're perfectly fine with that.  They'll just all stay in the house together.   🤬🤯   

[fairfarmhand]

11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Y'all.  It has been one week.  I am so burned out by this I am about to lose my mind.  He has been working day this week which is good.  But I feel like my house has just been taken over.  I came home yesterday to him peeling hard boiled eggs to make deviled eggs....I like deviled eggs, but the smell was horrible...I hate the sulphur smell.  And I hate my house to stink.  

And then he wants to talk and tell me everything and I just don't do well listening to stupid stuff and not replying.  

The man (I think he is 20 so I use the word 'man' loosely) in the military that dss's wife is involved in is coming home on leave next week through Christmas I think.  Wife informs dss last night that he will be staying with her.  In the apartment that dss is paying for.  I am just----what in the actual heck.

And dss shrugs and says, 'I'm ok with it.  I actually have a date Thursday.'

I just about lost it.  I was pretty firm and then I was less firm and kind when he said, 'what am I suppose to do just forget about myself from now on?'  I said, 'no.  Of course not.  And you didn't ask for this.  But regardless of what SHE does, you are still married.  And besides the morality of it, you have a desperate situation on your hands and this is not the time to go getting involved with someone else.' 

I said 'does she know you are married?' He said, 'no and I don't know if she is married.'  SMH.   

Dh came in from the garage and I told him what we were talking about and then I left and went to our room.  Dh took a more measured approach although he said the same things to dss. 

And I was trying to get some answers out of him on the health insurance.  He doesn't know anything about how the Market place works.  Totally clueless.  It appears his wife is probably insured through the Marketplace which means he could be too.  So I asked him why he wasn't.  He said, 'I don't know, I've never even taken unemployment.'  I said, confused, 'why?'  He said, 'I don't know I guess too much pride to accept government help like subsidies and stuff.'

I managed to hold it together and say, 'Well, let's think this through.  You can't afford a place to live, so you are living here.  We have been paying your health insurance premiums for 2 years. So you are ok taking money/help from us, but not the government?'  Deer in the headlight look. 

I will tell you what I think it really is.  He doesn't know how to go about getting any of these benefits he is eligible for.  It isn't just 'pride'.  I know they have gotten WIC and SNAP and she tried to apply for child care subsidy and got frustrated and gave up.

So he will be sitting down with me and applying for insurance through the marketplace. I think it will be less than we pay for him.  If it isn't we will probably just keep him on ours until he ages out next fall.   And he can pay the premium or not, but he needs to  be responsible for himself now.  

Please no one yell at me and tell me what a terrible person I am.  I know I am over reacting to some of his crap----but I am about to lose my mind here.

 

Seriously I get it. My adult children talking to me wears me out and they’re not in crisis. 
 

it’s just hard to walk the balance of minding your own business while inside you’re screaming “what are you thinking!”

it’s ok to be tired with this in your face in your home all the time. It IS exhausting and frustrating  to not have your home be your place of rest.

Edited December 10, 2021 by fairfarmhand

[ktgrok]

Yeah, aside from the morality of it which I will not touch, he has enough "woman problems" right now. He does not need another one in his life to complicate things further. Nor does he have time for one. Or money to take someone out on a date!

Edited December 10, 2021 by ktgrok

[Terabith]

Yeah, dating seems epically stupid right now, beyond the morality of the thing.  

But, of course he doesn't know how to apply for benefits.  It's deliberately complicated and unclear, and he definitely does need someone to sit him down and walk him through how to do so.  I doubt he even has any idea what he could be eligible for even.  (However, being legally married will make it harder for him to apply for things, because they should be sharing household expenses and her income should count.)

[Carrie12345]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

It appears his wife is probably insured through the Marketplace which means he could be too.  So I asked him why he wasn't.  He said, 'I don't know, I've never even taken unemployment.'  I said, confused, 'why?'  He said, 'I don't know I guess too much pride to accept government help like subsidies and stuff.'

Just as a minor point, you don’t have to get/take a subsidy on the marketplace. I mean, it’d be dumb not to if qualified, but it isn’t intrinsically a “poor people” thing. I’ve been using the marketplace at 6 figures for years.

[ktgrok]

And he pays for those subsidies with his taxes - it's not him mooching off the government, it is him getting back some of what he put in. 

[ktgrok]

Or there is this one - this person has been trying to sell this for weeks. There just is no market for used sofas I guess. This one is only $40. 

https://www.facebook.com/marketplace/item/425519005608328/

[bolt.]

I think you are in a really good place with yourself in this situation.

You are having reactive feelings (which are totally normal) and you are recognizing them as reactions, not facts (which is incredibly healthy) and you are moderating your responses to him with intentional care and wisdom (which is very kind).

The next step is to recognize that all of your feelings 'belong' (they are real sensations caused by real causes, and they are actually happening) and they can be processed inside of you until they pass (and/or reduce to about 10% of their former selves). It's hard, but not hard, to sit with your feelings (and name them and welcome them and own them) and feel them fully. You can give yourself the opportunity to go through that in some private space. The feelings get big, then they peak, and begin to get smaller as you talk to yourself about how real they are.

Your feelings matter. Processing them in private is one way to take care of yourself in a stressful situation. (And it will help you not get to the point where people can tend to blow up in situations like this.)

[TechWife]

I think you’re doing fine, Scarlett. Hang in there.

[Scarlett]

9 minutes ago, bolt. said:

I think you are in a really good place with yourself in this situation.

You are having reactive feelings (which are totally normal) and you are recognizing them as reactions, not facts (which is incredibly healthy) and you are moderating your responses to him with intentional care and wisdom (which is very kind).

The next step is to recognize that all of your feelings 'belong' (they are real sensations caused by real causes, and they are actually happening) and they can be processed inside of you until they pass (and/or reduce to about 10% of their former selves). It's hard, but not hard, to sit with your feelings (and name them and welcome them and own them) and feel them fully. You can give yourself the opportunity to go through that in some private space. The feelings get big, then they peak, and begin to get smaller as you talk to yourself about how real they are.

Your feelings matter. Processing them in private is one way to take care of yourself in a stressful situation. (And it will help you not get to the point where people can tend to blow up in situations like this.)

This is good stuff Bolt.  Thank you.  

[Scarlett]

20 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

Or there is this one - this person has been trying to sell this for weeks. There just is no market for used sofas I guess. This one is only $40. 

https://www.facebook.com/marketplace/item/425519005608328/

Is this on the wrong thread or are you suggesting it for dss25 to sleep on.  In the garage?  LOL Might be a bit of a drive for us to  pick it up.  But hey I need a vacation anyway.  

[Scarlett]

39 minutes ago, Terabith said:

Yeah, dating seems epically stupid right now, beyond the morality of the thing.  

But, of course he doesn't know how to apply for benefits.  It's deliberately complicated and unclear, and he definitely does need someone to sit him down and walk him through how to do so.  I doubt he even has any idea what he could be eligible for even.  (However, being legally married will make it harder for him to apply for things, because they should be sharing household expenses and her income should count.)

I am not bothered by a young adult needing help.  I guess I am bothered by him trying to pass it off as 'pride'.  

I have been poking around and I think he can still qualify for help while still married because he gets to count them as dependents.  And if he says her work place doesn't offer him benefits then that solves that issue.  

I had to create an entire new email to try and sign him up because the 3 I have for myself have all been used at the marketplace in the past...once for dh and me, once when I showed dss20 what he would have to pay and one I am not clear on.

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, WildflowerMom said:

Girl, I def am not going to yell at you.   Him?   Yeah, I'd like to yell at him right now.   I think I'd just lay it all out there.   No, I take that back.  I know I would.    It would begin with, "have you lost your (insert whatever cuss word you feel comfortable with) mind??     Get your (insert whatever word) together, stop being a total moron, and man the (insert whatever word) up."  That's the beginning.  It would go on from there.   Just being truthful.  I would snap.    And how about telling him to go home since he is paying all the bills there, he can live there.   They can date whoever they want to, since apparently they're perfectly fine with that.  They'll just all stay in the house together.   🤬🤯   

This is what has frustrated us so much from the very beginning.  In July she told him she didn't want him there anymore and wants to date other people.  So  he just.....moves out.  Why would he do that?  And when we found out about a month later we told him 'move back in! If she wants to not live with you let her find a new place to live.'   FTR, we clarified that there was no accusations by her of DV or substance abuse or adultery any REASON he should actually have moved out.  

This is so common of a reaction with men that on a marriage board I am on there is an entire forum titled 'Men do not leave your Home'.  

Mind blowing.

[Terabith]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am not bothered by a young adult needing help.  I guess I am bothered by him trying to pass it off as 'pride'.  

I have been poking around and I think he can still qualify for help while still married because he gets to count them as dependents.  And if he says her work place doesn't offer him benefits then that solves that issue.  

I had to create an entire new email to try and sign him up because the 3 I have for myself have all been used at the marketplace in the past...once for dh and me, once when I showed dss20 what he would have to pay and one I am not clear on.

I'm sure it's easier for him to claim pride than to admit he's clueless and doesn't know how to do it.  Ironically, because of pride.  I know when I was in my early to mid 20's, I really felt like I was supposed to have figured out all the adulting tasks, and I was embarrassed to tell anyone I hadn't.  I sure did more than my fair share of stupid things because I wouldn't admit I was clueless.  

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Terabith said:

I'm sure it's easier for him to claim pride than to admit he's clueless and doesn't know how to do it.  Ironically, because of pride.  I know when I was in my early to mid 20's, I really felt like I was supposed to have figured out all the adulting tasks, and I was embarrassed to tell anyone I hadn't.  I sure did more than my fair share of stupid things because I wouldn't admit I was clueless.  

So my challenge with him is to tease out what he needs help with while letting him keep his dignity.  I do not excel at this.  

[freesia]

33 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

So my challenge with him is to tease out what he needs help with while letting him keep his dignity.  I do not excel at this.  

Ah, parenting, we just keep on needing to grow ourselves!  You can do it, Scarlett!  Your heart is in the right place.

[saraha]

Wait, if her military boyfriend is coming, does that mean the baby will be there with a total stranger?

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, saraha said:

Wait, if her military boyfriend is coming, does that mean the baby will be there with a total stranger?

Yes! I mean I guess she knows this guy from before she married our son....but still.  Good grief.

[Faith-manor]

Scarlett, big hugs! Woman, you are doing great. As for the military boyfriend, oh.my.freaking.gosh. Dss seriously needs to stop paying that tramp's bills! (Ya, I know, that is a loaded term. I am mad on behalf of the baby. What a mother! 😡)

[Scarlett]

9 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Scarlett, big hugs! Woman, you are doing great. As for the military boyfriend, oh.my.freaking.gosh. Dss seriously needs to stop paying that tramp's bills! (Ya, I know, that is a loaded term. I am mad on behalf of the baby. What a mother! 😡)

I just checked with the paralegal and she is about to email over the document for him to sign.  Then we need $200 ish to get it filed.  Until wife signs off on agreement he is just trying to keep her happy. He is going to meet her in the city for drop off sometime Sunday....he has to give her gas money.  I do get what the para legal is saying...and I am sure she is correct....I mainly just always point out to dss25 that he will be able to stop all that extra stuff once the divorce is final.  He said he definitely will.

[Murphy101]

No yelling from me. Like I said before I’d be ready to kick him out.   He has the free will to make his own choices, on his own dime and space. 
 

hugs bc I’d have lost my poo weeks ago. 

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

No yelling from me. Like I said before I’d be ready to kick him out.   He has the free will to make his own choices, on his own dime and space. 
 

hugs bc I’d have lost my poo weeks ago. 

LOL Other than a couple of weekends visiting with the baby he has only been there 8 days.  Feels like 8 years.

[ktgrok]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Is this on the wrong thread or are you suggesting it for dss25 to sleep on.  In the garage?  LOL Might be a bit of a drive for us to  pick it up.  But hey I need a vacation anyway.  

lol, wrong thread 🙂

 

[Frances]

4 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

Just as a minor point, you don’t have to get/take a subsidy on the marketplace. I mean, it’d be dumb not to if qualified, but it isn’t intrinsically a “poor people” thing. I’ve been using the marketplace at 6 figures 

3 hours ago, ktgrok said:

And he pays for those subsidies with his taxes - it's not him mooching off the government, it is him getting back some of what he put in. 

Technically yes, if he’s actually paying federal taxes. Given what Scarlett has shared, I think it’s unlikely he has any federal tax liability.

[chiguirre]

I'm sorry to add to your stress but that Marine staying with her is very bad news for a 50/50 custody split. He's probably very eager to get married, get his housing and subsistence allowances and move out of the barracks. The BAH and BAS with dependents is between $1500 and $2000 a month on which military personnel don't pay taxes. (I did the calculations based on Marine bases in 29 Palms and Lemoore, it varies by housing cost in the area.)

I guess the wisest thing for your dss to do if he really wants 50/50 is get the paperwork signed and filed before the Marine shows up to stay in her apartment. 

[Lecka]

I don’t think someone in the military will marry someone with a baby just to get the housing allowance.  Seriously, that’s pretty insulting.  
 

Edit:  if someone was looking for that — why not marry someone without a baby? 

Edited December 11, 2021 by Lecka

[chiguirre]

2 minutes ago, Lecka said:

I don’t think someone in the military will marry someone with a baby just to get the housing allowance.  Seriously, that’s pretty insulting.  
 

Edit:  if someone was looking for that — why not marry someone without a baby? 

Because he knows her from before and they've been teledating for a while now. He's going to stay with her instead of his parents on his leave. I'm just saying that he has a strong financial incentive to propose if he's at all inclined that way.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

11 minutes ago, Lecka said:

I don’t think someone in the military will marry someone with a baby just to get the housing allowance.  Seriously, that’s pretty insulting.  
 

Edit:  if someone was looking for that — why not marry someone without a baby? 

My sister’s husband is career Army and she was immersed in it until a few years ago when she started refusing to live on base.  She’s always talked about this marriage phenomenon like it’s a regular occurance lol. 

[Lecka]

Yeah my husband just retired after 20 years.  
 

It is insulting.

 

Yes it happens, but what a stereotype to hold about tens of thousands of people.  

[Lecka]

If we’re going to be crass, I think if she gets pregnant by him on this leave then I would call it pretty good odds.  But that would, then, be a different situation.  

[chiguirre]

1 minute ago, Lecka said:

If we’re going to be crass, I think if she gets pregnant by him on this leave then I would call it pretty good odds.  But that would, then, be a different situation.  

Lecka, I'm sorry I upset you. 

I posted because I think Scarlett should know about what may be coming up shortly in her dss's divorce saga. The couple in question is in a relationship, he's staying with her on his leave. They're obviously pretty serious. The fact is he will get more in BAH/BAS than what Scarlett's dss can earn at a $10/hr security gig and that is on top of his regular earnings. The military is one of the few jobs where a 20 year old can financially swing getting married. 

(My own dd is an 18 yo USN E-3. Her bf is an 21 yo E-4. I speak from a place of parental worry.)

[Scarlett]

Guys please.  Don’t be fighting.  I don’t think for a second this 20 year old is interested in taking on a baby, but even if he wanted to he can’t marry her because she is married to our son.  If she tried to leave with the baby where would she stay out there?  And if she did that Dh and I would bring down the hammer legally to get baby back here.  Seriously…..that is where lawyers would definitely be involved.  

However, he has already started the process and once something gets filed she can’t leave the state. 

[Scarlett]

11 minutes ago, chiguirre said:

Lecka, I'm sorry I upset you. 

I posted because I think Scarlett should know about what may be coming up shortly in her dss's divorce saga. The couple in question is in a relationship, he's staying with her on his leave. They're obviously pretty serious. The fact is he will get more in BAH/BAS than what Scarlett's dss can earn at a $10/hr security gig and that is on top of his regular earnings. The military is one of the few jobs where a 20 year old can financially swing getting married. 

(My own dd is an 18 yo USN E-3. Her bf is an 21 yo E-4. I speak from a place of parental worry.)

But he can’t marry someone who is already married. And the process of divorce will prevent her from taking the baby out of state.  

[Scarlett]

And yes I am aware she could fight him and if she marries this military guy she could win…..but she does not have the resources or family support.  And she doesn’t want to be a full time mom anyway.  

[hippymamato3]

13 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

And yes I am aware she could fight him and if she marries this military guy she could win…..but she does not have the resources or family support.  And she doesn’t want to be a full time mom anyway.  

Would she want to be if she didn't have to work? What are the divorce laws like in your state? 

[Scarlett]

39 minutes ago, hippymamato3 said:

Would she want to be if she didn't have to work? What are the divorce laws like in your state? 

As far as I can tell she likes to work.  

[vonfirmath]

3 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

My sister’s husband is career Army and she was immersed in it until a few years ago when she started refusing to live on base.  She’s always talked about this marriage phenomenon like it’s a regular occurance lol. 

My niece certainly did. Even to the extent of having a marriage where neither spouse was at the wedding 😞

[Shoeless]

4 hours ago, Lecka said:

I don’t think someone in the military will marry someone with a baby just to get the housing allowance.  Seriously, that’s pretty insulting.  
 

Edit:  if someone was looking for that — why not marry someone without a baby? 

I knew a LOT of guys when I was enlisted that got married to the first person that said yes after basic training. It happens enough that we were given a lecture before we left basic about this phenomenon and why it's a terrible idea. And then we got another lecture on it when we got to tech school. Yet I still knew 5 guys that got married, (one to a woman he'd known 4 months. She had a kid), and then were divorced within a year.

It happens. The Marine may not be able to marry Scarlett's DIL right now, but I bet $5 he'll be playing house with DIL during leave and trying the role of husband and daddy on for size.

[Scarlett]

7 hours ago, MissLemon said:

I knew a LOT of guys when I was enlisted that got married to the first person that said yes after basic training. It happens enough that we were given a lecture before we left basic about this phenomenon and why it's a terrible idea. And then we got another lecture on it when we got to tech school. Yet I still knew 5 guys that got married, (one to a woman he'd known 4 months. She had a kid), and then were divorced within a year.

It happens. The Marine may not be able to marry Scarlett's DIL right now, but I bet $5 he'll be playing house with DIL during leave and trying the role of husband and daddy on for size.

Well let’s hope a week or so of a 15 month will cure him of an desire to marry her.  
 

Btw, one of the things she verbally and specifically agreed to was that she and dss would live in a certain range of 6 counties.  When he met with her he had a written list of things that needed agreement.,,'he had listed 3 counties.  When he came home there were three more counties added to the written list.  

[HomeAgain]

11 hours ago, Scarlett said:

But he can’t marry someone who is already married. And the process of divorce will prevent her from taking the baby out of state.  

Not necessarily - I meant the taking baby out of state thing.

But your ds has a bit of leverage right now.  With an AD Jody hooking up with his wife, commanders don't look kindly on that.  If push comes to shove, it could be used as a dirty bargaining chip for your ds.

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

Not necessarily - I meant the taking baby out of state thing.

But your ds has a bit of leverage right now.  With an AD Jody hooking up with his wife, commanders don't look kindly on that.  If push comes to shove, it could be used as a dirty bargaining chip for your ds.

But where is she going to go out of state if they aren’t married? She has no money and I assume he has none as a 20 year old in the military.  
 

Does the military still frown on adultery?  

[HomeAgain]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

But where is she going to go out of state if they aren’t married? She has no money and I assume he has none as a 20 year old in the military.  
 

Does the military still frown on adultery?  

Depending on where they are, I wouldn't assume much.  DS is an E-3, has a paid off car, no bills except his phone/rent/insurance.  He has a pretty good padding in both savings and checking, thanks to about 5 years' worth of financial management classes as a teen.  We live in a HCOL area and many of the younger folk split a house four ways to bring their costs down to half or a third of their BAH.

 

And yeah, the military still likes to hand out article-15s and reduction of rank for breaking the UCMJ.  It would be dirty to play that card, but if he has it in his pocket he can force hard issues in his favor.

[Scarlett]

Oh this is funny.  Ds gave the baby milk last night.  
 

 

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Oh this is funny.  Ds gave the baby milk last night.  
 

 

So much for NO MILK!!! 😂

I assume the baby is fine. 😉 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

So much for NO MILK!!! 😂

I assume the baby is fine. 😉 

Lol….yes he is fine.  

[chiguirre]

58 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

But where is she going to go out of state if they aren’t married? She has no money and I assume he has none as a 20 year old in the military.  
 

Does the military still frown on adultery?  

Ditto what @HomeAgainsaid. My dd is 18 and has been in the navy for 6 months. She has quite a bit saved up from her bonuses and just not spending money since she lives in the barracks and only has to pay for her phone plan. She could swing several months in a long stay motel, no problem.

 

The military frowns on adultery, but your dss and his wife have been separated for months with the intent to file for divorce. Your dss is dating too. I wouldn't count on this guy going to mast for spending his leave in her apartment.

[Scarlett]

Further stalking reveals the man boy is 23 not 20.  Baby’s momma has a brother in the military and there is some connection there.   Not sure what will happen there.  Dss25 does not confirm my belief the man/ boy is stationed in TN.   He thinks maybe, doesn’t know, big shrug. 
 

Also babies are exhausting in case none of y’all know that.  

[Scarlett]

My exhausting wonderful day. 

 

Edited December 12, 2021 by Scarlett

[hippymamato3]

Oh he's adorable!!

[fraidycat]

What a cutie!