S/O Walking down the aisle and who giveth.

[Resilient]

If a woman keeps her birth name, she is most likely keeping the name of her father.

If she takes her husband's name, she is taking HIS name and I am actually fine with that because it's a new family.  I also don't really care one way or the other except it really screws with my address book to have hyphenated names so just stop it.

THIS cracks me up: I've been to way too many weddings -- STILL -- where the bride who is keeping her birth name is "given away" by her parents.  Maria in The Sound of Music had it right.  She gave herself.  Most weddings I go to these days, that is the model.  But the romantic imagery still lingers in practice.  I find it amusing.

[Terabith]

The priest who performed our wedding was VERY clear that my father was not giving me away; he was escorting me down the aisle.  

[Frances]

Thirty-two years ago no one gave me away. The campus church where my husband and I were married had two aisles. We walked in at the same time, each of us accompanied by both of our parents. Then there was a part of the ceremony where we were each welcomed into the other’s family and our siblings (and their spouses) and our parents participated. The focus of the ceremony was uniting both of us in marriage, not transferring my care or ownership from my parents to my husband.

Personally, I never thought of being given away as romantic, but more of a sexist tradition from when women had far fewer rights than they do today, similar to a man asking a woman’s dad for permission to marry her. But I think most people don’t actually think much about it and just follow custom and tradition. Which of course everyone has the right to do.

Edited October 26, 2021 by Frances

[wathe]

There was no giving away of anyone at my wedding.  There was welcoming of the new Son-in-Law and new Daughter-in-Law by both sets of parents.  I walked down the aisle all by myself.

[Shoeless]

My father walked me down the aisle the first marriage, but there wasn't any "who gives this woman?" talk.

I eloped for my second marriage.

My dad was hurt that neither of my husband's asked him for "my hand" in marriage. Both of my sister's fiances asked him, because my sisters both insisted their guys perform this archaic ritual.  It is apparently The Proper Way To Do Things, according to my dad and stepmother. 🙄

My stepmother also had opinions on the order in which all of us "girls" get married, and she was aghast and angry that my youngest sister jumped the queue and got engaged before the middle sister did.  Apparently, The Appropriate Thing was to wait until middle sister had made a suitable match and gotten married, THEN youngest sister could consider marriage.  This was in 2010, y'all, not decades ago.

I wish I was making this stuff up.🤣

[Forget-Me-Not]

1 minute ago, MissLemon said:

My stepmother also had opinions on the order in which all of us "girls" get married, and she was aghast and angry that my youngest sister jumped the queue and got engaged before the middle sister did.  Apparently, The Appropriate Thing was to wait until middle sister had made a suitable match and gotten married, THEN youngest sister could consider marriage.  This was in 2010, y'all, not decades ago.

Does she think she’s living in a Jane Austen novel? 😄

In our religious ceremony, there is no walking down the aisle/giving away. My mom expressed sadness about this, but it didn’t bother me. 

[Shoeless]

1 minute ago, Forget-Me-Not said:

Does she think she’s living in a Jane Austen novel? 😄

That's what I said when my youngest sister called me and said "Why is no one happy for me?" 🤣

Stepmother was something else, I tell ya.

[Resilient]

My parents and dh's parents were asked if they received each of us as a son/daughter. Dad was not a speechifier.  He said yes. However,  FIL launched into a 3 minute speech...something about "Well I should say so.  About the smartest damn thing my son has ever done! Let me tell you..."  DH's ears were red to the tips...and I was (and still am) gratified.  

[Resilient]

1 hour ago, Terabith said:

The priest who performed our wedding was VERY clear that my father was not giving me away; he was escorting me down the aisle.  

I am not meaning to criticize.  My dad escorted me too.  So if I am pointing a finger at you, more are pointing back at me.  But this does beg the question, given the meaning of an escort (I searched on the string "formal meaning of escort")

"a person, vehicle, or group accompanying another for protection or as a mark of rank."

Maria had it right, technically. But it gave my dad great pleasure to escort me, and so that was a gift to him, and one I was glad to give.

This is on my mind as my goddaughter is getting married and her dad died a few years ago, so this question is on her mind.

[Junie]

My father and my step-father both attended my wedding.  I had my step-father walk me down the aisle, as he had raised me since I was in pre-school.  My step-mother, without any prompting from me, had explained to my father why my step-father deserved the privilege.  And she kindly stayed home from my wedding (I wouldn't have cared either way) so that she wouldn't be a distraction. I always loved her for taking care of me in those ways on my wedding day.

I was glad that I was given away.  It symbolized that my parents were no longer my authority or protection.  (In other words, it meant that I was officially and publicly free from their crazy.)

[SKL]

If my kids ever get married, it will be interesting to see how they decide to do this.  They do not have a father, nor any emotionally close male relative.  I'm sure there are lots of other ways this is done, because there are so many kinds of families.

FTR I have no desire to be a focal point in my kids' weddings.  But we'll cross that bridge when/if we come to it.  🙂

[SKL]

My sister who married about 15 years ago was walked down the aisle by my dad.  I am sure she wanted it that way.  She is the biggest daddy's girl.  😛  My dad felt good about having the role of keeping her calm through the stress of wedding crazy.  My mom had no desire for such a visible role in the wedding.  Everyone was happy as far as that went.

[Laura Corin]

I was accompanied down the 'aisle' by my husband's best friend. It was nice to have someone there because of the unaccustomed high heels. We were married in a hurry and my parents couldn't attend. I would have asked my dad, not to give me away like property,  but just to mark our relationship. 

[Carrie12345]

4 hours ago, MissLemon said:

My stepmother also had opinions on the order in which all of us "girls" get married, and she was aghast and angry that my youngest sister jumped the queue and got engaged before the middle sister did.  Apparently, The Appropriate Thing was to wait until middle sister had made a suitable match and gotten married, THEN youngest sister could consider marriage.  This was in 2010, y'all, not decades ago.

Dang! And I thought my cousins/cousins-in-law were nuts. One set got engaged before the other’s wedding took place and it was a whole thing about taking attention away from the first set. I did the fake empathy thing with both. Then they compared notes and were pissed that I did.  
In the 20-teens.

[Eos]

For Quaker weddings, we sit in silence until the couple themselves stand up and speak their vows to each other.  No one marries them or gives them away.  Then we all sign a document as their loving witnesses.  Thinking of a father giving away his daughter is really odd to me, no offense to all whose tradition this is.  On the other hand, Quakers still form a "clearness committee" to meet with you and work through questions and considerations about entering into marriage which I'm guessing others might find archaic.  

[Guest]

6 hours ago, Frances said:

Twenty three years ago no one gave me away. The campus church where my husband and I were married had two aisles. We walked in at the same time, each of us accompanied by both of our parents. Then there was a part of the ceremony where we were each welcomed into the other’s family and our siblings (and their spouses) and our parents participated. The focus of the ceremony was uniting both of us in marriage, not transferring my care or ownership from my parents to my husband.

Personally, I never thought of being given away as romantic, but more of a sexist tradition from when women had far fewer rights than they do today, similar to a man asking a woman’s dad for permission to marry her. But I think most people don’t actually think much about it and just follow custom and tradition. Which of course everyone has the right to do.

This is what my daughter did for her wedding last month. She does not like the harkening back to dowries and women as property and was very definite on that point. The officient asked, “Do you support this marriage?” Or something like that. We answered that we do. 
 

She also (rightly, IMO) did not think he should ask her father’s permission. 

Edited October 26, 2021 by Quill

[Pawz4me]

I don't go to many weddings, but it's been a loooooooooong time since I've heard the phrase "who gives this woman." I didn't known anybody did it anymore.

[Emba]

7 hours ago, MissLemon said:My stepmother also had opinions on the order in which all of us "girls" get married, and she was aghast and angry that my youngest sister jumped the queue and got engaged before the middle sister did.  Apparently, The Appropriate Thing was to wait until middle sister had made a suitable match and gotten married, THEN youngest sister could consider marriage.  This was in 2010, y'all, not decades ago.

I wish I was making this stuff up.🤣

My younger sister got married years before I did. I mean, what was she supposed to do? She met a loving man who wanted to marry her and she wanted to marry him. Let’s all sit around and wait until Emba decides to quit gallivanting around the world and settle down, even though she has no desire to do either?

 Luckily that belief was not a thing in my family.

[catz]

I don’t know, it doesn’t seem weird to me for people to include their parents in the ceremony in some way.   It is the combining of 2 families.  It is interesting to think about the history of how ceremonies like weddings are put together but to me it’s a reach to assume that is how any modern family is thinking about it.  I don’t know that I’ve ever heard “The Who gives this woman” thing at any wedding I’ve attended and I’m 51.  
 

ive never given a moment of thought to what other people do with regards to name taking.  My name is hyphenated. We know men who have taken their spouses names.    You do you.  

Edited October 26, 2021 by FuzzyCatz

[plansrme]

Marriage ceremonies in nearly any culture or religious tradition are chock-full of symbolism and tradition. That's pretty much all a wedding ceremony is-a hodge-podge of cultural and religious symbols and traditions. I don't understand harping on this one. You like it? Great. Knock yourself out. You don't? Do something else. If I attend a wedding that uses the traditional language, I just sit there, smile politely and assume it holds no more meaning than the bride's white dress.

I love weddings, but I love all flavors of weddings and think the picking-apart of anyone else's special day is just mean.

[Faith-manor]

I walked down the aisle with my dear grandfather. He kissed me on the cheek and sat down. There was no "giving". I would have been furious if the pastor had tried to add that. Dd walked with dh, and her fiance walked with his folks, the parents read a poem and then sat down. I was at the piano providing all the music so I didn't take part in that.

 

Edited October 26, 2021 by Faith-manor

[73349]

We were married in a Catholic church that required the couple to walk down the aisle together as a symbol of entering into marriage as a covenant between us. No symbolism to suggest it could be the bride being given to the groom.

Edited October 26, 2021 by Carolina Wren

[marbel]

I have rarely heard "who gives...." for many, many years, and only with people who are very traditional/conservative. <shrug> The brides and grooms were full-on adults making their own decisions. Since I knew the families pretty well, I knew it wasn't a case of an overbearing Dad needing to show off as the patriarch. They were just following tradition.

When I got married the 2nd time, I walked alone. My father was dead and my mother wouldn't do it (too shy to be a "featured" part of the wedding, even though I would not have had her say anything). At the last minute I almost grabbed one of my almost-adult nephews to walk with me, but I imagined the blowback from the mother of my other nephew (why didn't you ask my Jr?) and skipped it.  It felt like a long lonely walk. 

A nice thing I heard at a wedding was the officiant asking something like "who stands with this woman?" and all her family stood up and said "we do." 

 

[Pam in CT]

At nearly all Jewish weddings I've attended, even very observant/conservative ones, the custom seems to be that both sets of parents accompany both groom and bride -- groom & parents first (kisses all around), then attendants, then music change, then bride and parents (kisses all around), then proceedings start.  The idea is that one generation is kind of launching their offspring into the formation of a new household (an idea that is reinforced by the symbolism of the chuppah and other bits of ceremony).  Which to me is lovely.  No "who gives this woman" language

(though there are plenty *other* residual bits of lingering patriarchy... just not that particular bit, LOL)

I concur with pp that if bits of wedding tradition land uneasily, couples should alter, or just ditch, them without another thought.  There were bits of widely cherished Jewish custom that landed uneasily with me (ie the husband stomping on the glass).  So we didn't do it.  Doubtless some guests missed that moment, or wondered about it, or projected some complicated feminazi story, or whatever. Shrug.

[HS Mom in NC]

I've heard it at some weddings and not others.

I walked down the aisle by myself (in 1993) and didn't do the "Who gives this woman..." thing for a variety of reasons:

1. Giving the bride away was an outdated notion that didn't sit well with me. 
2. No way was I going to choose between my dad and step-dad, and I think the groups of people walking down the aisle is silly.
3. I'm not a fan of tradition for its own sake.  Traditions are supposed to covey a resonant intention or belief, and those two traditions don't resonate with me at all.

[prairiewindmomma]

I wasn’t given away. I am not chattel/property to pass from one patriarch to another. I didn’t leave the care of my father to go into the care of my husband. There was no asking of my father for permission. There was no dowry. 
 

People can do as they please in getting married, but I find some of the old traditions, which were based in times in which women legally were chattel, really rather disturbing and therefore not appropriate for my own wedding.

[barnwife]

Both of my parents walked me down the aisle. They did not, from my perspective anyway, give me away. I have no idea what anyone else thought of them walking me down the aisle. To me, that wedding ceremony was the beginning of a new family. Of course I wanted my parents to walk me toward that. 

If anyone thought they were giving me away, that's on them. 

@Carolina Wren I'm intrigued by your statement of your Catholic church requiring the bride and groom to enter together. I've never seen that and I am a lifelong Catholic. FWIW, I don't think a (RC) church could refuse to marry a couple if they didn't want to do that. But, now that will give me a rabbit trail to follow on the internet sometime when I have nothing to do. 

[73349]

34 minutes ago, barnwife said:

 I'm intrigued by your statement of your Catholic church requiring the bride and groom to enter together. I've never seen that and I am a lifelong Catholic. FWIW, I don't think a (RC) church could refuse to marry a couple if they didn't want to do that. But, now that will give me a rabbit trail to follow on the internet sometime when I have nothing to do. 

I was looking to see if the church had its marriage ceremony information online, but apparently it's still a printed booklet. Another nearby RC church has some of their information online, but nothing about walking down the aisle/giving away (though it does mention that unity candles are not allowed). The other one nearby has no information listed except music choices, so I suppose you'd have to fill out the form asking to schedule a wedding to learn the rules.

[YaelAldrich]

3 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

At nearly all Jewish weddings I've attended, even very observant/conservative ones, the custom seems to be that both sets of parents accompany both groom and bride -- groom & parents first (kisses all around), then attendants, then music change, then bride and parents (kisses all around), then proceedings start.  The idea is that one generation is kind of launching their offspring into the formation of a new household (an idea that is reinforced by the symbolism of the chuppah and other bits of ceremony).  Which to me is lovely.  No "who gives this woman" language

(though there are plenty *other* residual bits of lingering patriarchy... just not that particular bit, LOL)

I concur with pp that if bits of wedding tradition land uneasily, couples should alter, or just ditch, them without another thought.  There were bits of widely cherished Jewish custom that landed uneasily with me (ie the husband stomping on the glass).  So we didn't do it.  Doubtless some guests missed that moment, or wondered about it, or projected some complicated feminazi story, or whatever. Shrug.

In the Orthodox Jewish weddings I have attended, it's either the parents of the bride/groom who walk them down the aisle OR the mothers (special adult ladies) walking the bride and the fathers (or special adult men) walking the groom down the aisle.

I *think* my parents walked me to the chuppah (marriage canopy).  I can't honestly remember and it wasn't videoed.

[kokotg]

3 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

At nearly all Jewish weddings I've attended, even very observant/conservative ones, the custom seems to be that both sets of parents accompany both groom and bride -- groom & parents first (kisses all around), then attendants, then music change, then bride and parents (kisses all around), then proceedings start.  The idea is that one generation is kind of launching their offspring into the formation of a new household (an idea that is reinforced by the symbolism of the chuppah and other bits of ceremony).  Which to me is lovely.  No "who gives this woman" language

(though there are plenty *other* residual bits of lingering patriarchy... just not that particular bit, LOL)

I concur with pp that if bits of wedding tradition land uneasily, couples should alter, or just ditch, them without another thought.  There were bits of widely cherished Jewish custom that landed uneasily with me (ie the husband stomping on the glass).  So we didn't do it.  Doubtless some guests missed that moment, or wondered about it, or projected some complicated feminazi story, or whatever. Shrug.

We borrowed this (the both parents accompanying groom and then bride) from Jewish weddings, even though only my FIL is Jewish of the four parents, because we liked it better. One nice thing about having a bunch of different religious traditions among close family is that you have a great excuse to mix and match without anyone (well, in our case at least) getting upset. 

[YaelAldrich]

57 minutes ago, kokotg said:

We borrowed this (the both parents accompanying groom and then bride) from Jewish weddings, even though only my FIL is Jewish of the four parents, because we liked it better. One nice thing about having a bunch of different religious traditions among close family is that you have a great excuse to mix and match without anyone (well, in our case at least) getting upset. 

...or everyone being offended!  🤣

[barnwife]

1 hour ago, Carolina Wren said:

I was looking to see if the church had its marriage ceremony information online, but apparently it's still a printed booklet. Another nearby RC church has some of their information online, but nothing about walking down the aisle/giving away (though it does mention that unity candles are not allowed). The other one nearby has no information listed except music choices, so I suppose you'd have to fill out the form asking to schedule a wedding to learn the rules.

Oh, I don't doubt that a church says it's a requirement. But if a bride and groom wanted to do it more traditionally, I think the church would have to let them. Lots of churches require white First Communion dresses. The truth is that it's not a requirement; no special clothes are needed at all! My gut feeling is that this is along those lines.

[73349]

1 minute ago, barnwife said:

Oh, I don't doubt that a church says it's a requirement. But if a bride and groom wanted to do it more traditionally, I think the church would have to let them. Lots of churches require white First Communion dresses. The truth is that it's not a requirement; no special clothes are needed at all! My gut feeling is that this is along those lines.

This church is clear about the difference between traditional FC clothes and requirements and sensitive to the fact that families' budgets vary, but IDK--a priest isn't *compelled* to marry people who refuse to have the ceremony done in the way it's usual at that church (setting aside requirements that come down from the Vatican), is he? Likewise, this church gave a list of permissible music and did not allow deviation (even for other religious music). I don't think it's the same as people not having the money for a specific kind of clothes.

[Jenny in Florida]

I've been married for more than 25 years, and I walked myself down the aisle. 

We also wrote our own vows, so no one promised to obey anyone.

I can't imagine our daughter having my husband "give her away," either. 

[Kassia]

I haven't really thought about this before.  My dad walked me down the aisle but I never thought of it as giving me away, more that I took his arm and he escorted me?  I don't know.  

If/when dd gets married, I think it would be nice if DH walked her down the aisle for the same reason - not to give her away but to escort her arm in arm on such a special day for all of us.  

[Shoeless]

11 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

Dang! And I thought my cousins/cousins-in-law were nuts. One set got engaged before the other’s wedding took place and it was a whole thing about taking attention away from the first set. I did the fake empathy thing with both. Then they compared notes and were pissed that I did.  
In the 20-teens.

Oh, we have that flavor of crazy, too! One cousin got engaged and set a date. Their sibling also got engaged, and it was a whole thing about how cousin 2 was being respectful about the timing and not "stealing" anyone's thunder. 

There's also a complicated system of wedding attendance requirements for guests. One person from each branch of the family must attend to "represent their family". So if my cousin gets married, either I must attend or one of my siblings, otherwise our family branch is not "represented" properly. This is a grave social faux pas and implies something negative about how I feel about my cousin and the family in general. 

I recently skipped out on 2 weddings and a baby shower, because of that whole pandemic thingy. I am in deep doo doo with the relatives, lol. 

[elegantlion]

14 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

I would have asked my dad, not to give me away like property,  but just to mark our relationship. 

I don't think if I consciously thought about it at the time, but when my dad walked me down the aisle, I saw it more like this. 

[Kassia]

3 minutes ago, elegantlion said:

I don't think if I consciously thought about it at the time, but when my dad walked me down the aisle, I saw it more like this. 

yes, this is what I meant in my earlier post.  Just part of the relationship and not giving away.  

[Melissa Louise]

I remember the olden days, when we didn't even get married! Because we thought it was archaic. Ah, the 80's...

[catz]

52 minutes ago, elegantlion said:

I don't think if I consciously thought about it at the time, but when my dad walked me down the aisle, I saw it more like this. 

Same.  It was just including my dad, who had recovered from a life threatening surgery the same year we married a role in the ceremony.  We got married in a UU church so I can assure you there was nothing patriarchal about the language in our ceremony lol.  I suspect our ceremony would have been judged as a little too new agey and egalitarian by some.  My brother was the man of honor.  My DH had a female friend stand up for him too.  Our minister was a woman.  Everyone just wore black.

I've never thought to analyze anyone's choices for how they include their families on their wedding day unless maybe something was extremely weird.  I really don't remember ever hearing the "who gives this woman" language at any wedding that I've been to in person at least as an adult.  I assume people include their families in some way because they have a good relationship with them and they think a wedding in a union of their families.  For some that might mean walking in together.  For some it might be reading, or music, or asking them to do a toast, first dance, or whatever.   Sometimes parents are involved in the paying and planning for the event too.  

I get the patriarchal roots of some of how these ceremonies are structured but that is not at all how I  interpret them by default in a modern context.  

[Spryte]

23 hours ago, SKL said:

If my kids ever get married, it will be interesting to see how they decide to do this.  They do not have a father, nor any emotionally close male relative.  I'm sure there are lots of other ways this is done, because there are so many kinds of families.

FTR I have no desire to be a focal point in my kids' weddings.  But we'll cross that bridge when/if we come to it.  🙂

Yes, there are lots of weddings with no father of the bride present. It will be fun to see what your kids do, if they get married. It may make them more traditional or more creative, or might just not be a factor at all. 

I can’t be the only one here who didn’t have a father present? We had a non-traditional wedding, and our small group walked together to our chosen spot. A few friends, two moms and a dad (not mine), and our — I don’t recall what she was called now (Celebrant? Officiant?). You could almost say we all escorted each other. No giving away. We were adults, had both been out on our own for years, and our ceremony reflected us. 

I have a lot of friends who got married this way, lots hiked out with a small group to an arch, or some meaningful-to-them area. Most did not have family attend at all because it was usually a tough hike. They usually had some sort of reception later, which is what we did.

Wedding traditions are fascinating, DH and I just didn’t happen to subscribe to any and made our own. 

My oldest just got married, at 30. There was quite a bit of planning stress, and their solution was a trip to the courthouse, just the two of them. They will have multiple receptions and mini-weddings over the next year. They are on a semi-honeymoon now and may or may not have had Elvis marry them again, in the Little Chapel. 🤣

Edited October 27, 2021 by Spryte

[mom2scouts]

DS had a Jewish wedding and both parents walk the groom to the chuppah and then both parents walk the bride and then parents stay there with them during the ceremony. There's no "giving away", but as the mother of the groom, I loved that my husband and I got to walk our son to the ceremony.