Absent father ….different genders affected differently?

[Indigo Blue]

Do you think your gender determines the depth of how you are affected when you have a father who has not been interested in or who has not been a part of your life? 

I don’t understand why people say, regarding an absent father, “Well, it’s worse for a boy.” Is it? Am I missing something? I’m genuinely asking. 

This could also be an absent mother, but I’m always hearing it from the perspective of it being harder on a boy vs a girl when the father was uninterested in having a relationship with the children, and just being “absent” even though living with the family. 

This is perplexing to me.  They might be affected in different ways, but isn’t it just as devastating either way? Are there other angles I’m not seeing?

 

[Katy]

The men I know who had absent fathers as a boy seem less affected than the women/girls I know.  But I don’t know of any studies on the subject. 

Edited October 22, 2021 by Katy

[regentrude]

It would make sense to me that boys could be more affected; I imagine having a male role model would be very important for a boy's healthy development. And normally that role is filled by the dad.

Edited October 22, 2021 by regentrude

[Kassia]

I also don't know of any studies on the subject but the girls I grew up with who had absent fathers were definitely deeply affected.  

[Bootsie]

I know a brother and sister whose father died when they were very young.  The male repeatedly experienced "you are the man in the house..." and "you need to take care of your mother..."  comments which put a burden on him as a child that his sister did not have.  He has also expressed concerns of inadequacy in his ability to do things that he thinks a dad would have taught him (woodworking, fishing, etc.)--whether his dad would have taught him those things and whether he would have been itnerested in them had had had a male around is, of course, a question, but he feels he missed out on male-bonding activities.  

[J-rap]

I've known both boys and girls who had absent fathers...  What I've noticed is that gender doesn't matter as much as age.  If the change to one parent happens when children are very young, like 8 and under, the long term-effects don't seem to be as emotionally profound.  For kids who are a little older when it suddenly changes to one parent, the effects seem more detrimental.  (Obviously based on my very limited observations!)  

ETA:  I would say that different genders are affected differently though.

Edited October 22, 2021 by J-rap

[HS Mom in NC]

I think it affects each gender differently, but I imagine there's an extra dimension for boys because their identity is wrapped up in being a man, so not having a father in the house who has shared that experience,  as opposed to a mother who hasn't experienced that, would impact a boy more.

[SKL]

I do think it's harder on boys, but that doesn't mean dads aren't important to girls.

"Harder on boys" might not be the best term.  They themselves might not feel more sad about not having a dad.  But they are missing out on their same-sex parent-child modeling.

I have read about girls benefiting a lot from having an involved dad ... especially girls who are only children.  I don't deny that, but I also think that in a single-parent household, the mom role expands to include much of whatever her dad did with her, or she at least tries to make those experiences available some way or other.  I think the role of the dad as encouraging the girl to be strong and brave can just as easily be taken on by a strong single mom.

I might be biased as a single mom of girls.  🙂

I chose to adopt girls over boys because I did feel that sons of a single mom would miss important things, more so than daughters.

Edited October 22, 2021 by SKL

[catz]

What does "harder on boys" even mean?  I know several young women who didn't have well grounded parental relationships, especially with absent fathers, and ended up in an unhealthy marriage at a very early age among other emotional difficulties and mental health struggles. 

I think the ramifications of an absent parent depends on the adult relationships available to the child, the child's constitution, the present parent's parenting skills, the overall emotional health of the family unit, the child's educational situation, etc etc etc.  The gender of the child is just one piece of a complex puzzle.

[Selkie]

My brothers and I had an uninterested, uninvolved dad and I think it was equally devastating for all of us.

It is pretty common for girls missing out on a relationship with a father to seek that attention from other males, which often does not go well.

On the plus side, growing up with that hole in my life did make me very determined to choose a good father for my own children, and I did. Dh is pretty much the polar opposite of my dad.🙂

 

[catz]

I was going to add I know several young men now I've known since their toddlerhood that were raised by 2 highly involved moms that are doing great - succeeding in college, emotionally healthy, good relationship with all family members, etc.  

[Rosie_0801]

I don't think it is the gender so much as boundaries. Those with weaker boundaries will hang on longer, which stops them from writing off an uninvested parent and finding other places to get their needs met. 

[Indigo Blue]

5 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I don't think it is the gender so much as boundaries. Those with weaker boundaries will hang on longer, which stops them from writing off an uninvested parent and finding other places to get their needs met. 

I’ve actually seen this play out, except that the other places to get needs met were just as damaging. But I agree, and this is a good point. 

[Kassia]

45 minutes ago, Selkie said:

 

It is pretty common for girls missing out on a relationship with a father to seek that attention from other males, which often does not go well.

On the plus side, growing up with that hole in my life did make me very determined to choose a good father for my own children, and I did. Dh is pretty much the polar opposite of my dad.🙂

 

That's what I've seen with girls growing up without an involved father.  I'm so glad you found a great dad for your own kids.  🙂 

 

42 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

I was going to add I know several young men now I've known since their toddlerhood that were raised by 2 highly involved moms that are doing great - succeeding in college, emotionally healthy, good relationship with all family members, etc.  

Wonderful!  ❤️  

[Rosie_0801]

29 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

I’ve actually seen this play out, except that the other places to get needs met were just as damaging. But I agree, and this is a good point. 

Health is a very difficult thing for adults to teach themselves, let alone kids. 😞

[Indigo Blue]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Health is a very difficult thing for adults to teach themselves, let alone kids. 😞

Like.

[Indigo Blue]

Thanks for the replies and things to think about. I was asking not for myself or family member but just in general. But there is someone in my life who is and has been going through this and more, and he’s been on my mind. 

[katilac]

4 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

I don’t understand why people say, regarding an absent father, “Well, it’s worse for a boy.”  

I can't say that I've heard that much. I think that having a parent who is absent by choice is always harmful, with the degree of harm resting more on the general support system plus natural resilience of each particular child more so than which parent is absent. 

[Excelsior! Academy]

I think it affects each person differently regardless of gender.  

[City Mouse]

Well, Dr. Phil says that the single most important adult in a child’s life is the same sex parent, so maybe that means an absent father is worse for a boy, not that it isn’t bad for a daughter.
 

Some people tend to minimize in any bad situation. I guess it is an attempt to offer some kind of comfort. 

Edited October 23, 2021 by City Mouse

[MercyA]

I was much closer to my father until I moved out for college, mainly just because two women will sometimes clash, you know? My dad was super important in my life. I can't imagine that it would have been harder on my brother than on my sister and me if he wasn't so present.

[Indigo Blue]

7 hours ago, Excelsior! Academy said:

I think it affects each person differently regardless of gender.  

I guess this pretty much sums up how I feel.