Spin-off, sort of, on thread about cooking vs non cooking relatives and holidays

[Indigo Blue]

(Didn’t want to derail the other thread). I think my situation isn’t the norm. History: I went to high school with my now SIL. We were good friends then. Until she started being irritable and short, and I had no idea why. And other people were always looking for her because they wanted to “kick her @ss” because she had been “running her mouth” about them. I never heard her do it, but in hindsight it might have been true because I now, in present time, have known her to say mean things behind others’ backs very often. And also, because it’s odd that THAT many people were constantly looking for her so they could take her out behind the building. So, I eventually pulled away from her. Later, she did, in fact, say very unkind and hurtful things about me to other parents when we were band parents together one year. She worked full time, and I was a work from home mom (and homeschool mom). She didn’t like that I wasn’t working a full time job, so she made very bad remarks to these parents. That and all the many other unkind things she showed about herself finally cemented in my head that I did not want her in my life, SIL or not. 
 

So now, we are family and there are holiday get togethers. She plans it all every year and does the majority of cooking. We have the dinner at a church dining hall.  I don’t want to be there at all. But dh and the boys go. We only see them one time per year and they live 5 miles away. Dh sees them more. I don’t communicate with her during the year at all. However, I can go during the holiday and be perfectly polite, but I kind of keep to myself and don’t say a lot. I do feel bad that she plans it all, and I’m willing to help, since I go (only because of MIL, dh, and our boys). It sounds like I’m holding a big grudge and not being mature. It’s not quite so simple. The boys have seen her bad side themselves. 
 

The way I have been handling this is just to take a dish or dessert that I choose without communicating with her. But there is always a lot of food, and what I take has never been touched. I just leave the dish there and come home. Finally, after years of this, I thought that I would try to let her know that I am willing to help her plan since she does the bulk of this, even though SHE could have taken the initiative to ask if I would help plan/cook. She has never asked for help or even sent word through dh that she would like me to bring xyz thing. So, at one get together one year, I finally walked up to her and said, “If there is anything you need me to bring to help round things out, just let me know.” She responded very bluntly and sarcastically, “Well, you don’t have to ask ME! Just bring whatever you want!”

So this reminded me why I don’t engage with her and why I deal with this the best I can, even if it means I take a plate of store bought cookies to a meal where someone else has made an entire meal. Honestly, I just don’t feel like caring about it.

(I realize how bizarre this is. How I wish I had normal family meals with normal families. I would be glad to help cook, plan, and clean if I were invited to the home of anyone here. Last year, because of the pandemic, we didn’t have get togethers on either side. I was blissful. My side (mom) complains about holidays bitterly. There is no food involved. She just complains anyway. All we do is drop in for a bit. It’s crazy on both sides and I feel bad that our boys don’t have extended family that they can be warm and close to. But we always have the sweetest times at home).

This isn’t a vent or even a JAWM. I guess I just wanted to say “this is so weird”.  But I wouldn’t mind hearing what you would do in this situation or how you would feel. I really don’t think I’m being unreasonable? I mean, I don’t like that things are this way, but this person is someone I don’t want to be close to. I’m just done with mean people. Also, I agree with the person who said in the other thread that why can’t men do some of this? That sounds wonderful to me. This has been a lot of stress and anxiety over the years.

[WildflowerMom]

You just described my cousin and my aunt.   I wouldn't bring anything.   You don't want to be there, your family knows she's a jerk, and she's bad-mouthed you to other people.  You're excused from caring about her holiday dinner every year.    
what did dh do when he found out sis was badmouthing you?  

[Carol in Cal.]

I

Spoiler

 

 

Edited October 12, 2021 by Carol in Cal.

[Carol in Cal.]

I would figure out what would make me feel like a good person, and do that.

I would not feel good about always attending and never bringing anything.  So I'd bring something that keeps well and that I could take home with me afterwards and truly enjoy, so that even if it never gets touched, I feel good about having been gracious and also cooking ahead for myself if it works out that way.

[Indigo Blue]

1 minute ago, WildflowerMom said:

You just described my cousin and my aunt.   I wouldn't bring anything.   You don't want to be there, your family knows she's a jerk, and she's bad-mouthed you to other people.  You're excused from caring about her holiday dinner every year.    
what did dh do when he found out sis was badmouthing you?  

This one known time happened years ago. He came home very angry, but he didn’t say anything to her. We have seen her do this with other family members, too.

[Indigo Blue]

4 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I would figure out what would make me feel like a good person, and do that.

I would not feel good about always attending and never bringing anything.  So I'd bring something that keeps well and that I could take home with me afterwards and truly enjoy, so that even if it never gets touched, I feel good about having been gracious and also cooking ahead for myself if it works out that way.

I like this very much. I’m hoping we don’t get together because of COVID this year, but I will do just that next time. Most times I take some sort of thing, but not much effort put in. I’ll do that. If it’s untouched, I’ll bring it home to enjoy. I have been feeling torn on this between feeling guilty for not doing more and not wanting to do more because of the way I feel.

[gardenmom5]

34 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

there are holiday get togethers. SiL plans it all every year and does the majority of cooking. We have the dinner at a church dining hall.  I don’t want to be there at all. But dh and the boys go. We only see them one time per year and they live 5 miles away. Dh sees them more. I don’t communicate with her during the year at all. However, I can go during the holiday and be perfectly polite, but I kind of keep to myself and don’t say a lot. I do feel bad that she plans it all, and I’m willing to help, since I go (only because of MIL, dh, and our boys). It sounds like I’m holding a big grudge and not being mature. It’s not quite so simple. The boys have seen her bad side themselves. 
 

The way I have been handling this is just to take a dish or dessert that I choose without communicating with her. But there is always a lot of food, and what I take has never been touched. I just leave the dish there and come home. Finally, after years of this, I thought that I would try to let her know that I am willing to help her plan since she does the bulk of this, even though SHE could have taken the initiative to ask if I would help plan/cook. She has never asked for help or even sent word through dh that she would like me to bring xyz thing. So, at one get together one year, I finally walked up to her and said, “If there is anything you need me to bring to help round things out, just let me know.” She responded very bluntly and sarcastically, “Well, you don’t have to ask ME! Just bring whatever you want!”

So this reminded me why I don’t engage with her and why I deal with this the best I can, even if it means I take a plate of store bought cookies to a meal where someone else has made an entire meal. Honestly, I just don’t feel like caring about it.

(I realize how bizarre this is. How I wish I had normal family meals with normal families.  

tbh: I think this is more normal in extended gatherings than a Norman Rockwell depiction.  It took me five years to stop dreading/hating Thanksgiving after we stopped hosting DH's family.   And still more years to start caring about it again.  (he did most of the cooking and the rest was potluck - but he missed out on most of the drama . . . . .did I mention there was drama?)

Does she actually want your help?  "bring what you want" - but your offerings are untouched - I assume she didn't actually put them out.  (can you bring a serving utensil and put them out?  or bring an appetizer or dessert and put it out yourself. 

I can so relate.  At a relative's house, I would bring items she'd complain about and bluntly tell me no one liked them (really? why aren't there any leftovers?  someone's eating them.) and complain to other family members I never brought anything.

She sounds like a very angry and a deeply unhappy person.

[prairiewindmomma]

Based on the conversations I've had with my friends, I think this is a pretty common dynamic.  Communal misery is more common than joy.

If I were you:

1. I'd go without a chip on my shoulder in support of dh and the rest of my "lives under my roof" family.

2. I'd bring what I wanted to eat for the meal. If your food is going untouched, so much the better, as you are bringing home leftovers you liked. I wouldn't just bring one tray of store-bought cookies because that could be interpreted as being passive aggressive.

3. I'd bring a deck of cards and play games with the family members I liked, and not bother to say much to those I didn't. Like, be pleasant to everyone, but find a way to have a good time while you are there.  

4. Suggest celebrating the weekend before or the weekend after the actual holiday so you can enjoy the actual holiday. Odds are they are miserable too. 

[Indigo Blue]

1 hour ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Based on the conversations I've had with my friends, I think this is a pretty common dynamic.  Communal misery is more common than joy.

If I were you:

1. I'd go without a chip on my shoulder in support of dh and the rest of my "lives under my roof" family.

2. I'd bring what I wanted to eat for the meal. If your food is going untouched, so much the better, as you are bringing home leftovers you liked. I wouldn't just bring one tray of store-bought cookies because that could be interpreted as being passive aggressive.

3. I'd bring a deck of cards and play games with the family members I liked, and not bother to say much to those I didn't. Like, be pleasant to everyone, but find a way to have a good time while you are there.  

4. Suggest celebrating the weekend before or the weekend after the actual holiday so you can enjoy the actual holiday. Odds are they are miserable too. 

Thanks for this. I can feel my outlook on this changing just from reading the replies. 

[Faith-manor]

If I felt .compelled to go, I would bring a beverage, a couple two litres of pop, or a gallon of lemonade. I wouldn't be empty handed, but I also would not be putting myself out only to once again have an untouched dish. Since I would be there ONLY in support of my dh, I would bring a boom and unabashedly read in a corner given the dynamics of the situation. That said, there is not one thing wrong with staying home. Your dh and kids can go if they would enjoy doing so, and can take pop or a plate of cookies with them. There is no need for this to be w command performance, and he does not owe this woman an explanation. I really think the world would be a better place if folks did not accommodate nasty people.

[Indigo Blue]

9 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

If I felt .compelled to go, I would bring a beverage, a couple two litres of pop, or a gallon of lemonade. I wouldn't be empty handed, but I also would not be putting myself out only to once again have an untouched dish. Since I would be there ONLY in support of my dh, I would bring a boom and unabashedly read in a corner given the dynamics of the situation. That said, there is not one thing wrong with staying home. Your dh and kids can go if they would enjoy doing so, and can take pop or a plate of cookies with them. There is no need for this to be w command performance, and he does not owe this woman an explanation. I really think the world would be a better place if folks did not accommodate nasty people.

Yeah, having un untouched dish was my reasoning for settling for cookies and just leaving them there. Plus, everything is truly covered…..Mac and cheese; sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, pasta salad, rolls, pies, pies and more cakes and pies, drinks, sodas, turkey, dressing, you get the idea. I’m always scratching my head thinking of something to take. But I shall try to come up with something. 

So to recap, everything is covered. She doesn’t seem to want to plan it all out with me. I don’t feel like trying or worrying about it anymore. So yes, we’ll all go (unless it’s canceled again…most likely will be), I’ll take a nice thing or two, and I’ll be polite.

I know you meant to say take a book to read, but you typed boom by mistake. I think this would be better than a book. I would love to take a big boom. Lol. It would be interesting.😅

 

[Faith-manor]

1 minute ago, Indigo Blue said:

Yeah, having un untouched dish was my reasoning for settling for cookies and just leaving them there. Plus, everything is truly covered…..Mac and cheese; sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, pasta salad, rolls, pies, pies and more cakes and pies, drinks, sodas, turkey, dressing, you get the idea. I’m always scratching my head thinking of something to take. But I shall try to come up with something. 

So to recap, everything is covered. She doesn’t seem to want to plan it all out with me. I don’t feel like trying or worrying about it anymore. So yes, we’ll all go (unless it’s canceled again…most likely will be), I’ll take a nice thing or two, and I’ll be polite.

I know you meant to say take a book to read, but you typed boom by mistake. I think this would be better than a book. I would love to take a big boom. Lol. It would be interesting.😅

 

Typing on my Kindle is NOT kind!

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Based on the conversations I've had with my friends, I think this is a pretty common dynamic.  Communal misery is more common than joy.

If I were you:

1. I'd go without a chip on my shoulder in support of dh and the rest of my "lives under my roof" family.

2. I'd bring what I wanted to eat for the meal. If your food is going untouched, so much the better, as you are bringing home leftovers you liked. I wouldn't just bring one tray of store-bought cookies because that could be interpreted as being passive aggressive.

3. I'd bring a deck of cards and play games with the family members I liked, and not bother to say much to those I didn't. Like, be pleasant to everyone, but find a way to have a good time while you are there.  

4. Suggest celebrating the weekend before or the weekend after the actual holiday so you can enjoy the actual holiday. Odds are they are miserable too. 

don't deliberately exclude anyone.  

 

[teachermom2834]

Yes it is weird. We have weird stuff like that in my family and I sometimes get so annoyed that it has to be so weird. People with normal families don’t get it. 
 

I do like an excuse to make something I wouldn’t make for just my family. Something new I want to try or something that seems to extravagant for just us. I would probably, only if I wanted to, use this as an excuse to make something new. Like sometimes I will see a recipe for a punch or special beverage or dessert that would be too much for just my family. I might do that. Or I might have a special food that makes me happy and I might bring that to make the gathering more pleasant for me. Or a special dish my nuclear family would appreciate.  Or I might pick up the store bought cookies if I wasn’t in the mood. 
 

I would do whatever was most enjoyable for me and the ones I love.

[Shoeless]

35 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Yeah, having un untouched dish was my reasoning for settling for cookies and just leaving them there. Plus, everything is truly covered…..Mac and cheese; sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, pasta salad, rolls, pies, pies and more cakes and pies, drinks, sodas, turkey, dressing, you get the idea. I’m always scratching my head thinking of something to take. But I shall try to come up with something. 

So to recap, everything is covered. She doesn’t seem to want to plan it all out with me. I don’t feel like trying or worrying about it anymore. So yes, we’ll all go (unless it’s canceled again…most likely will be), I’ll take a nice thing or two, and I’ll be polite.

I know you meant to say take a book to read, but you typed boom by mistake. I think this would be better than a book. I would love to take a big boom. Lol. It would be interesting.😅

 

What about fudge? I would probably buy some really good fudge and bring that. If people want to ignore it, then okie dokie! I bring the fudge home and eat it with glee. 

Your SIL sounds like a bitter little pill. I'd do whatever made me happy and have fun in spite of her. 

My in-laws are weird about holiday meals. Whatever I do, it's wrong. I used to get angry about it, and now IDGAF. 

 

[Indigo Blue]

I know something our boys would love. It’s gluten free, too. (For me). So how does hash brown casserole sound for a holiday dinner? 
 

I honestly don’t really eat much there because I don’t eat turkey, and I’m gluten free. I know it probably looks weird to take one thing to a big spread and only eat what you brought. But we don’t talk much beyond small talk, so I don’t really explain about that. It must seem intentional to her, but it’s not. Anyway, taking what the boys love is a good idea. It’s big enough for everyone to have some.
 

 

[prairiewindmomma]

29 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

don't deliberately exclude anyone.  

 

There's a difference between not making an effort to talk and connect with everyone and deliberately excluding someone.  When we had an extended family gathering last a few years ago on one side of the family, I was pleasant to everyone, but I didn't beeline to talk to the NPD person there, nor did they beeline to talk to me. Sometimes not engaging with someone at all is the best way to keep things pleasant for everyone.

She's already shared that they aren't warm and close. She's already shared she's not safe with this person emotionally. She says this person is mean, and anxiety producing.  She doesn't need to feel pressured to go start a conversation with them. 

[Indigo Blue]

11 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

 IDGAF. 

 

This. I don’t like it, but it is easier to be in that place when you can be sure it’s justified. I wasn’t sure. I don’t want to be a grudgey person and worry that I am being ugly (inside) without good reason. I want to be in I don’t care land and feel justified in it. Because otherwise, I’m just being “that person” in the family. I don’t want to be “that person”. It’s not who I really am or who I really want to be. So now I feel better about it all.

[Shoeless]

8 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

I know something our boys would love. It’s gluten free, too. (For me). So how does hash brown casserole sound for a holiday dinner? 
 

I honestly don’t really eat much there because I don’t eat turkey, and I’m gluten free. I know it probably looks weird to take one thing to a big spread and only eat what you brought. But we don’t talk much beyond small talk, so I don’t really explain about that. It must seem intentional to her, but it’s not. Anyway, taking what the boys love is a good idea. It’s big enough for everyone to have some.
 

 

I think that sounds good! I would be excited to have hash brown casserole!

[Indigo Blue]

3 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

There's a difference between not making an effort to talk and connect with everyone and deliberately excluding someone.  When we had an extended family gathering last a few years ago on one side of the family, I was pleasant to everyone, but I didn't beeline to talk to the NPD person there, nor did they beeline to talk to me. Sometimes not engaging with someone at all is the best way to keep things pleasant for everyone.

She's already shared that they aren't warm and close. She's already shared she's not safe with this person emotionally. She says this person is mean, and anxiety producing.  She doesn't need to feel pressured to go start a conversation with them. 

I understand both of you. Its okay. What you describe above is sort of how it goes there.

[gardenmom5]

12 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

There's a difference between not making an effort to talk and connect with everyone and deliberately excluding someone.  When we had an extended family gathering last a few years ago on one side of the family, I was pleasant to everyone, but I didn't beeline to talk to the NPD person there, nor did they beeline to talk to me. Sometimes not engaging with someone at all is the best way to keep things pleasant for everyone.

She's already shared that they aren't warm and close. She's already shared she's not safe with this person emotionally. She says this person is mean, and anxiety producing.  She doesn't need to feel pressured to go start a conversation with them. 

I know there's a difference between not-inviting to join an activity, and *deliberately excluding* someone from an activity.   I'm saying to not *deliberately* exclude, as in if the SIL wants to join in a group activity, not deliberately exclude her.  It's rude to do that to someone in their own home, and if you think things are bad now - that will only make things worse.  

when relations are that bad - sometimes it's best to just not participate at all.  (and make other plans.  I'd be really peeved if my dh insisted on spending a holiday where I felt unsafe. - that's who I would be most angry at. he's knows his sister isn't nice, yet he's still putting his sister/family before his wife.)

I'm speaking from firsthand experience.

[Melissa Louise]

I just...wouldn't go? 

I'm sorry. That doesn't help with food.

If dh goes with the kids, they can pick up and take something. 

Life is just too short. 

[prairiewindmomma]

2 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

 

I'm speaking from firsthand experience.

I know you are. So am I. Your experiences aren't more valid than mine. They can both be valid, and varied. You don't have the exclusive province of NPD relatives who have caused trauma to family members severe enough to have lifelong consequences.  Lots of people have those experiences, including me. Lots of people still get to deal with the NPDs and borderlines and other people with severe mental illness in their life.

It really rubs me the wrong way when people say things like you posted.  It is a form of emotional manipulation that  is aimed at invalidating my own experience and the value of what I'm posting. Please don't do that.  She's free to disregard or not listen to whatever anyone posts, but I don't need you policing my words. Let me say what I want to say, and she can take or leave what she likes. 

 

[Shoeless]

28 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

This. I don’t like it, but it is easier to be in that place when you can be sure it’s justified. I wasn’t sure. I don’t want to be a grudgey person and worry that I am being ugly (inside) without good reason. I want to be in I don’t care land and feel justified in it. Because otherwise, I’m just being “that person” in the family. I don’t want to be “that person”. It’s not who I really am or who I really want to be. So now I feel better about it all.

I'm at a point where I'm not even "grudgey" about it. Like, if the in-laws do something passive aggressive, I shrug and go about my business. I probably am "that person" in the family, but I sometimes think that role was assigned to me before they ever got to know me.  🤷‍♀️

[gardenmom5]

13 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I know you are. So am I. Your experiences aren't more valid than mine. They can both be valid, and varied. You don't have the exclusive province of NPD relatives who have caused trauma to family members severe enough to have lifelong consequences.  Lots of people have those experiences, including me. Lots of people still get to deal with the NPDs and borderlines and other people with severe mental illness in their life.

It really rubs me the wrong way when people say things like you posted.  It is a form of emotional manipulation that  is aimed at invalidating my own experience and the value of what I'm posting. Please don't do that.  She's free to disregard or not listen to whatever anyone posts, but I don't need you policing my words. Let me say what I want to say, and she can take or leave what she likes. 

 

Then don't police my words.

I expressed a contrary viewpoint - and have shared why I expressed that contrary viewpoint.  Someone can't make an informed decision without getting different views that could bring up ideas that have not been considered.

She's trying to decide what she will do - she needs to hear people's experiences, pro and con.  Then she can decide what fits her situation, and discard what doesn't.

[Bambam]

I'd go for the rest of my family, and I'd be nice/civil to everyone. If my family had a favorite holiday dish, I'd make that. Or I'd make whatever I wanted that I knew we would eat at home. 

But, I'd probably go find a fancy dessert that everyone would want to taste and take it. Fine with me if they don't touch it. But I'd want it to be that one that you do want and would be hard to resist. Like the little bundtinis (the little bite sized bundt cakes) from Nothing Bundt Cakes (chain, maybe you have them in FL?) - such a joy to eat, such a treat. Because if no one touched my dish ever, I'd assume it is because she told them not to, and I'd just want to mess with her. This may not be nice, and it's possible I wouldn't do it, but I very likely might. How could you be mad at me for bringing a lovely dessert?  

 

[fairfarmhand]

1 minute ago, Bambam said:

I'd go for the rest of my family, and I'd be nice/civil to everyone. If my family had a favorite holiday dish, I'd make that. Or I'd make whatever I wanted that I knew we would eat at home. 

But, I'd probably go find a fancy dessert that everyone would want to taste and take it. Fine with me if they don't touch it. But I'd want it to be that one that you do want and would be hard to resist. Like the little bundtinis (the little bite sized bundt cakes) from Nothing Bundt Cakes (chain, maybe you have them in FL?) - such a joy to eat, such a treat. Because if no one touched my dish ever, I'd assume it is because she told them not to, and I'd just want to mess with her. This may not be nice, and it's possible I wouldn't do it, but I very likely might. How could you be mad at me for bringing a lovely dessert?  

 

Yes this.

[Shoeless]

2 minutes ago, Bambam said:

I'd go for the rest of my family, and I'd be nice/civil to everyone. If my family had a favorite holiday dish, I'd make that. Or I'd make whatever I wanted that I knew we would eat at home. 

But, I'd probably go find a fancy dessert that everyone would want to taste and take it. Fine with me if they don't touch it. But I'd want it to be that one that you do want and would be hard to resist. Like the little bundtinis (the little bite sized bundt cakes) from Nothing Bundt Cakes (chain, maybe you have them in FL?) - such a joy to eat, such a treat. Because if no one touched my dish ever, I'd assume it is because she told them not to, and I'd just want to mess with her. This may not be nice, and it's possible I wouldn't do it, but I very likely might. How could you be mad at me for bringing a lovely dessert?  

 

Malicious compliance for the win!

[Guest]

I have a similar SIL (that I have discussed here in holidays past), except she Marney-Micro-Manages everyone when she hosts and it drives me bat-shit bonkers. I would be *thrilled* if she ever told me, however snidely, to bring whatever I want because I would do what @Bambam said and bring something so good people would talk about it for years. I've got pretty good baking cred in the family anyway, so I would capitalize on it so hard, even my enemies would have to try a bite. 

But I do know what you mean about being done with mean people. I keep that SIL out of my life as much as I can manage. 

[Indigo Blue]

If we’re thinking along the lines of malicious compliance, fudge is a powerful weapon, too. However, I do have a Nothin  Bundt Cake near me. That is a good plan if I’m short on time! I can eat neither chocolate nor gluten. I don’t care, though. Doesn’t bother me. I’ll have gf df cheese cake waiting at home. Don’t cook long, involved recipes anyway, because that irritates my back.

[Indigo Blue]

21 minutes ago, Quill said:

I have a similar SIL (that I have discussed here in holidays past), except she Marney-Micro-Manages everyone when she hosts and it drives me bat-shit bonkers. I would be *thrilled* if she ever told me, however snidely, to bring whatever I want because I would do what @Bambam said and bring something so good people would talk about it for years. I've got pretty good baking cred in the family anyway, so I would capitalize on it so hard, even my enemies would have to try a bite. 

But I do know what you mean about being done with mean people. I keep that SIL out of my life as much as I can manage. 

I remember reading about that, Quill. Honestly, I’ve been here long enough to know that we actually do have so very many things in common. I can’t read your posts without thinking, wow, it’s the same here. Plumber husbands, people ahem who make me worry because they won’t get vaxxed, sil issues, I worked for an attorney years ago, and other things I can’t think of right now. ETA: Art! I love art. Just remembered that one. (I don’t have the skills you have with water color, though!!)
 

I don’t think anyone could resist a copy cat Cracker Barrel hash brown casserole and fudge or that Bundt cake!

Edited October 12, 2021 by Indigo Blue

[Indigo Blue]

@gardenmom5, dh doesn’t insist that I go. I just wanted to say that so no one thinks I’m being dragged to the gathering. Lol.  If I didn’t go, he wouldn’t like it, but I could stay home if I really wanted. I’d rather keep things simple for family sake. It’s three hours once per year. That’s probably the best thing to do.

[Pam in CT]

re hash brown casserole

1 hour ago, Indigo Blue said:

I know something our boys would love. It’s gluten free, too. (For me). So how does hash brown casserole sound for a holiday dinner? ...

This is PERFECT.  The only risk would be...

 

1 hour ago, MissLemon said:

I think that sounds good! I would be excited to have hash brown casserole!

... you might not end up with the leftovers you're hoping for.

[Shoeless]

Can I come to dinner at your house, @Indigo Blue? Hashbrown casserole, fudge, and mini bundt cakes sound pretty good to me! I'll make or bring whatever you want. Or not. Whatever works for you. We're really easy-going dinner guests! 🤣

[prairiewindmomma]

46 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

Then don't police my words.

I expressed a contrary viewpoint - and have shared why I expressed that contrary viewpoint.  Someone can't make an informed decision without getting different views that could bring up ideas that have not been considered.

She's trying to decide what she will do - she needs to hear people's experiences, pro and con.  Then she can decide what fits her situation, and discard what doesn't.

Quoting me, then bolding what I say and commenting underneath---which you did first--was policing my words. You did it first. When I called you on it, you told me I was doing the same. 

Ever since I left the Mormon church, which you and I both belonged to, and have been open about my experiences, you have changed in how you refer to me on these boards. I don't know if that is conscious to you, but it's very obvious to me.

I'm putting you on hide. Feel free to do the same.

[Indigo Blue]

Just now, MissLemon said:

Can I come to dinner at your house, @Indigo Blue? Hashbrown casserole, fudge, and mini bundt cakes sound pretty good to me! I'll make or bring whatever you want. Or not. Whatever works for you. We're really easy-going dinner guests! 🤣

Yes! Absolutely. Or we could forget all that and go to the Cheesecake Factory instead. No cleanup.😁

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, Indigo Blue said:

@gardenmom5, dh doesn’t insist that I go. I just wanted to say that so no one thinks I’m being dragged to the gathering. Lol.  If I didn’t go, he wouldn’t like it, but I could stay home if I really wanted. I’d rather keep things simple for family sake. It’s three hours once per year. That’s probably the best thing to do.

we were hosting, so I didn't have an option to avoid it. . . . . . . I came to loath Thanksgiving.  (if I wasn't hosting every year, it would have probably been fine.    When we started, it was supposed to be a three-way trade -off every year . . . that happened ONCE!  The stress started in September, and didn't end until everything was cleaned up and I could start focusing on Christmas.)  It went on for 25 years.   dh wanted the control over the dinner.  He serves dinner based on when the turkey is ready - he won't hold dinner for 30 minutes to get cold while someone's brussels sprouts are cooked.  (that happened after we stopped hosting.)

 

I miss the costco chocolate turkeys.  As the grandchildren became independent adults - they'd bring things too.  lots of chocolates. . .  (and a very creative celiac who loved to cook, and it was always fun to see what she brought).  But that chocolate turkey came every year costco had them.  Definitely worth a laugh.

you could do a gingerbread house kit for an activity.  or a couple. kids usually enjoy them.  I was at my dd's before thanksgiving last year (she's in another state) and I did one with my then two year old gs . .  he had a lot of fun.  I put the frosting on - and he could stick the candies on it.  (or eat them.)  I made sure there were only a few out at a time, lest they end up on the floor.

 

[Shoeless]

2 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

Yes! Absolutely. Or we could forget all that and go to the Cheesecake Factory instead. No cleanup.😁

I see no downside to this plan!