Kids and the last days of a loved one (Update first post)

[Emba]

Update: She passed last night. Dd initially didn’t want to see her because it would be too hard, but she wrote her a letter and did end up going in for a minute. This morning she said she was really glad she did.

 It was as good a death as you can hope for with cancer, I think. Not a lot of pain, lucid almost to the end. Quick.

thank you, everyone, for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It really does help me with my decision making and you brought up options and issues that hadn’t occurred to me.

* * * *

My mil, who has had cancer for two years, has taken a sudden turn for the worse. I think she may only have a few days left, if that.

we saw her yesterday. She was very weak and tired. Today she is apparently worse, but I think still conscious.

After school I could take the kids to see her , and I’m assuming there’s a high probability it would be the last time. If she isn’t conscious I wouldn’t do it. She’s much worse today than yesterday - weaker, more tired, more uncomfortable.

my dh is inclined to not have them see her. 
 

if you’ve been in this situation with your kids, what did you do? If it happened to you as a kid, what are your thoughts on it? 
 

Background: DH didn’t lose any grandparents until well into Adulthood. I lost my grandmother suddenly when I was 14, the age of my middle child, and the suddenness was hard on me. It blindsided me, and I never had a chance to say goodbye. But this is not sudden, so it will be at least that much “easier”. My dc are 15,14, and 9.

Edited October 5, 2021 by Emba

[Kassia]

I think they'd be fine but it really depends on the kids and their own comfort level. Two of mine would have been too sensitive for that while the other two would have been ok.  I would definitely let the teens decide for themselves.  

I'm very sorry about your MIL.  😞  

[Katy]

I would take them.

[KSera]

At those ages, I would give them the choice and let them know there’s no right or wrong answer. Some would rather have the finality of a last goodbye and others would rather not have their last memories be of their loved one in that state or they just don’t want the pressure of a “goodbye” type situation. I think either is fine. If she’s aware enough to be asking for them, that would influence my answer though. 

[mlktwins]

We lost both of my in-laws 17 days apart this spring.  They were on in-home hospice and declined very quickly.  My teens decided not to see them at the end.  My FIL was not aware who was there and was so very frail.  They wanted to remember him as the vibrant man, even at 94, who always had a sparkle in his eye.  My MIL didn't get to the point that FIL did before she passed, but she was not recognizing her own children so we really didn't want to put the boys through that.  We thought we would have a few more months with her and she passed unexpectedly on Mother's Day.

 

[Carol in Cal.]

My beloved grandmother died when I was 14, and I was always glad that I saw her right before the end, and put my hand on her forehead and told her that I loved her.  She could not talk; she had had a series of strokes, but I think she knew I was there and was glad too.  

OTOH, my mom HATES that kind of thing and gets a PTSD like response to it.  

Some people need closure, and some don’t.  Some don’t know which they are.  If you know that your child or children needs closure, I encourage you to give it to them.  If you are not sure, either take your best guess or ask them to decide.  

Honestly, also, to me this is partly about going the distance with family.  I’d kind of hope that the older kids would go, even if they didn’t strongly want to.

My dad’s father died when he was 14, and that was the era when you just didn’t talk to kids about this stuff. He was not brought to the funeral or the funeral home.  Decades later he said he didn’t know how to feel about his dad’s death, because it was so sudden and he knew so little about it.  I don’t think that’s so good.

[catz]

Well I would not without asking them how they felt about it.  If they wanted to go, I would.

[gardenmom5]

3 minutes ago, KSera said:

At those ages, I would give them the choice and let them know there’s no right or wrong answer. Some would rather have the finality of a last goodbye and others would rather not have their last memories be of their loved one in that state or they just don’t want the pressure of a “goodbye” type situation. I think either is fine. If she’s aware enough to be asking for them, that would influence my answer though. 

This.

While I think kids should be able to chose - also be aware they may feel guilt/regret for their choice afterwards and need reassurance those feelings are normal too.  

One thing that should be taken into account is how much medical equipment is around her.   Some of that can be frightening even for some anxious adults.

 

[Junie]

My grandpa died in a hospital when I was in tenth grade.  We knew that he wasn't going to make it after he had had three heart attacks in two weeks.  My parents made sure that he was shaved and had his hair combed nicely.  They bought a large helium balloon for us to take to him.  The visit was short.  He died several days later, but we knew that our last visit was the last time we would see him.

I would definitely leave this up to your kids.  And if you can go in a minute or two ahead of them to help freshen her up a bit, that would probably help.  I know that it helped me.

[Storygirl]

This is a hard call. We lost both of our mothers over the past year, and, due to Covid, my kids did not get to go see them to say good-bye, even though we knew the end was likely coming. DH visited his mom, and I saw mine, but the kids stayed home. None of my kids (all teens) said that they regret not having a chance to say good-bye, but both grandmothers had been declining for a long time (over a year for MIL and a decade for mom). Neither of our mothers would have been aware that a visitor was with them, so the visit would have only been for the purposes of my kids.

I think at the ages of your children, I would ask if they feel comfortable visiting. Some people just do not want to visit those who are dying; there was a very close adult family member who could not go in to see my mom at the end. This is going to vary, person by person.

[Farrar]

I would 100% give them the option to go. I have been in this situation with my kids.

I think kids are so much more likely to resent not being given the opportunity to say another goodbye than they are to resent going and being upset by seeing a dying loved one.

My kids have had two really good goodbyes with dying relatives - a grandfather who had been sick for a long time and we knew that each time could be the last so we did a lot of things to solidify memories. And a great-grandmother who was blessedly conscious for a final time when we arrived and was thrilled to see them and everyone got to say I love you a final time. And then the kids stayed all through what I can only describe as a death watch.

Here's the one I regret. They were not given an opportunity to see my father before he died. They hid how quickly he'd gone downhill and discouraged us from visiting. And then he died. Boom. I did see him, but he was so sick and in the ICU. And my kids never got the chance. And I do resent that and so do they a little.

[EmilyGF]

We took our kids to the hallway by Great Grandma when she was dying and gave them the choice of going in. About half went in; the two-year-old went in a stroked her hand and stayed with her a long time. It was super sweet and we didn't expect he would react that way. The other kids were up to 11.

When my grandma died, my mom didn't want me to go in and see her dead. She blocked my way and made me insist a few times that I wanted to go in. I understand and respect her desire to shield me, but it was also right of her to give in at the end.

Emily

[kbutton]

We would take our kids but prepare them for what they will see and what it's likely to be like. There would be no pressure for a big goodbye--just a casual visit with an awareness that this person could decline quickly and not be able to visit again.

If the loved one would not be aware of them being there, I would encourage them to go, but not necessarily require it. They visited a neighbor that was passing this way, and they knew they were just going for the sister (also a neighbor).

I would give choices for extenuating circumstances. I do feel (a little) bad that I didn't see my Gr. Grandma before she passed, but I opted not to because of extenuating circumstances. 

I wouldn't take kids to a death watch, though I have been with my kids in a waiting room while machines were unhooked. We were coming from out of town. They did see this person first, but if we'd had our druthers, this person wouldn't have been on support by then. It wasn't contentious, it's just that family didn't want us to be upset while driving, and they thought one family member would want/need a warm hand to hold one last time, which wasn't the case. But this was all erring on the side of being kind, not controversial. 

The kids were well-informed in all of these situations.

We are medical family, and we have people in the family with serious conditions that might require very serious surgeries later in life, and we feel like they need to be prepared for those things later. 

I think some people are traumatized by how things are handled more than the event itself, but some people are just super tenderhearted and find it all really horrible. Some people are truly not able to make choices like this for themselves, so I guess I would urge educating the kids on what to expect no matter what option you choose and let them know that it's okay to make a best guess right now. You're best guess is okay too--to have them see the person, not see the person, etc. And then just try to have any regrets be based on love for all involved vs. worrying and fretting for those involved.

[barnwife]

3 years ago we lost my dad. We were prepared for my dad's passing, as he was at the end of his battle with pancreatic cancer. My sister visited over the weekend, knowing I planned on visiting on Monday. She called and let me know that she thought there was a good chance Dad would pass while I was there. She was shocked when I said I still planned on going with our 4 kids. I, OTOH, was surprised that anyone wouldn't be okay with kids visiting/knowing what's happening.

To me, it was an easy choice. Did I want one last visit with my Dad? And I did, no matter the shape he was in. Also, I didn't want my mom to be alone. Given that DH had to work, and finding last minute overnight childcare for 4 kids is not easy, they had to come. Thy were 8, 7, 5, and 1. 

We'd been preparing them for a long time. I told them Grandpa was now unable to leave his special bed, which was in the living room. I told them Grandpa might not ever be awake, but that he still might be able to hear us. He was lucid for the last time not long after we arrived. That night, my kids said goodnight to my mom. As they brushed their teeth I made a comment about having forgotten to say goodnight to Grandpa. They all dashed to the living room and with so much excitement yelled, "Goodnight, Grandpa!" 

Thinking of that still makes me tear up. Within a couple hours he was gone.

So, all that to say, I've been in a similar situation. At your kids' ages, I'd give them all the info. about current condition and let them choose. (My parents lived far enough away that if I went, they had to come.) I absolutely wouldn't force anything. 

Also, I can say that knowing someone is going to pass absolutely does not make it easier. It's just a different type of grieving process. (My FIL passed away due to complications from the flu on the same day my dad passed.) It's only "easier" because generally you've already started the grieving process.  OTOH, sometimes I wish it hadn't been so drawn out with my dad. Neither way is easy, just different.

[HS Mom in NC]

When Grandad was dying in hospice care at Mom's house then later Grandmother at a hospice facility I had kids and nieces and nephews all over that age range and beyond.  They were welcome to go into the room to see them and they were welcome to stay out in the common areas with other people.  Some did want to see them, others didn't.  There was no pressure on them to choose one over the other. Everyone is different.

[rocassie]

Near the end, the last month, we did not take the kids to go see MIL (it's a 3 hr trip.)  

1. We wanted their last memories to be positive.

2. She was having some serious issues like blood pouring out of her mouth and major twitching and convulsions.  Thankfully she did not seem to be in pain, but we still thought it may be quite traumatic to the kids.

3. We wanted DH to have as much time as possible with his mom.  When he went by himself (the weekend before she passed), he was able to be with her whatever time of day or night she was awake and lucid.

This is such a personal decision.  I don't necessarily think there is a right or wrong way.  It's a difficult time to navigate.  

Many prayers for you family.

[bibiche]

I would let them decide and if they’re on the fence encourage them to go.

[Storygirl]

I will add that my mother looked very bad during her last week. She was bed-bound and unconscious that week. She had not eaten for several weeks by then, and she had wasted away, and it was really hard to see her that way. I wouldn't have wanted my kids to see her then. Her body really changed during the last week of her life. My sister saw her that way one day, and then couldn't go back. Out of delicacy, I won't describe more of what it was like to see her that way, but it was difficult.

So it also depends upon how the person is doing physically, during their last days.

I'm sorry to add that unfortunate note. But it was a striking difference with my mom, and I was glad that my sister warned me before I saw her that last time.

[athena1277]

My dad died from Parkinson’s in May 2019.  My kids and I saw him in March.  He was in a skilled nursing facility.  His health and memory were in decline, but he was mostly still himself.  At the end of April he went home on hospice.  He declined so quickly that I didn’t get there to see him until the day before he passed away.  At that point I barely recognized him myself.  And that awful gargle sounding breathing that some dying people do was very hard to hear.  I was so thankful that I had not brought my teens.  I was glad I was there, but that was a memory I’m glad they don’t have.  
 

I say all that to say that it sometimes depends on the condition of the dying person.  Especially if they haven’t there often, making the decline very shocking.

Each situation is different, I hope the OP makes the best decision for her kids.

[mjbucks1]

I would let your kids decide.  It can be tough.  My kids chose not to see their grandfather before he passed.  When my mom passed, our two oldest were out of state.  My youngest (12 at the time) was here because I was taking care of her and we had no where else for him to go.  I know it was difficult for him.  But I would let the kids decide. 

[PeterPan]

As long as you ask and don't force, it will be fine. They might want to go in to see her briefly and then come out. 

Is hospice there? They can help you navigate. 

[Emba]

Well, after talking to my sister in law and husband again I took the kids over and offered the option of visiting or not. The youngest chose not to, and the middle chose to see her, and sat and held her hand for quite a while. My oldest is still at band practice. I imagine she’ll want to see her grandmother.

 I’m really not sure how long she has. She’s much worse than yesterday, and last night was pretty bad, but I know these things can sometimes last longer than expected. Lining up hospice has been a nightmare, apparently. I figure it’s best the kids see her now, when things are not as bad, because it will only get worse.

[Kassia]

@Emba I'm glad your middle got to see her and spend time with her and also that your youngest was given the choice and was comfortable knowing that decision would be respected.  That is so important.  

I'm really sorry about the situation.  😞  

[Clarita]

Give your kids the choice. I went to visit my grandma when I was 16; she had a stroke and we all thought she would die soon. (She ended up "living" in a coma for 15 more years.) It was really nice to have gone to see her when I was 16, because that was the time when the whole family grieved her loss (maybe not of life so to speak but definately the person we had known her to be). 

Definately seeing my grandma in such a vunerable state was hard and not something I was used to, nor was my mom. So, we talked through it together. She also informed our youth pastor and he talked to me as well and it really helped to talk to an outside adult about everything. Just because all the adults related to you are also grieving or having to make unpleasant plans. It's nice to talked to someone who isn't grieving and or stress about your grief.  

[matrips]

We gave ours the choice; they knew what was best for them.  The first time they were 8yo and it was their beloved PopPop.  They all visited in the nursing home and hospital, but when he was on hospice,  they did it their own way. One peeked in the hospice room at him and said I’m good.  One went over and hugged him and cried, and wanted a picture with him, but didn’t stay.  One stayed all night with him and was with him when he died.  
 

The second time they were 14 and it was their Grandmom.  Hers was a longer time on hospice and while one spent every day for hours with her, the others chose shorter visits, less frequently.  
 

I always asked or let it known they could visit anytime, but without pressuring them.  We all grieve differently.  I figured they knew better than me even though they were kids.  I didn’t want to force a bad memory on them or something.

 

 

[Emba]

Updated, first post.

[Starr]

It's lovely that it was as peaceful as you could hope for. Love to all of you.

[Kassia]

Thank you for the update.  Thinking of you and your family.  

[bibiche]

I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m glad your MIL’s passing was peaceful and that your daughter had the opportunity to say goodbye. 💗 

[fraidycat]

I'm sorry for your loss. ❤️

[Farrar]

Holding you all in the light, Emba. I'm glad it was as good a death as it could be. Good for you for being so intentional in your thinking about how to approach it.

[YaelAldrich]

I'm  sorry for your loss.  I think your intentionality was the best decision in this case.

[mlktwins]

So very sorry for your loss.

[melmichigan]

I am very sorry for your loss.