Struggling with the young adult stage in a way I didn't anticipate (is this normal?)...

[Ann.without.an.e]

😉

 

Edited October 11, 2021 by Ann.without.an.e

[prairiewindmomma]

I would go to therapy---not because I think things are so awful that it's your only choice, but because I think the right therapist can be really helpful.  Generally, if you're at the point of wondering whether you should go, you should probably go.  Sitting with a lot of anxiety isn't fun.  You can't choose how others will make choices in the future, but you can learn how to deal with the anxiety you're feeling right now, especially when you know that anxiety isn't particularly logical.  

It sounds like a bit of help with being ok with setting boundaries might be good too--apologizing too often, overexplaining etc. all play into that anxious relationship dynamic aspect. 

Hugs!!!

[Ann.without.an.e]

9 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I .....

Thank you for your honesty. I think you're right. I was already leaning this way. Tbh, I've never seen a therapist but I'm not opposed, I just never felt there was a real reason for me to see one until now. My dd has a great one and I think seeing her could be good. 

Edited October 4, 2021 by Ann.without.an.e

[fairfarmhand]

5 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Thank you for your honesty. I think you're right. I was already leaning this way. Tbh, I've never seen a therapist but I'm not opposed, I just never felt there was a real reason for me to see one until now. My dd has a great one and I think seeing her could be good. 

Yes. I think therapy will help.

But as young people grow older, there is always that possibility that they *could* walk away. 

Looking at it though...Are they good people? Most likely, yes.

Are you a good person who tries to do the right thing? Most likely, yes. 

If they are good people and you are a good person, the likelihood that they will walk off never to return is low.

 

And by the way, I have had an adult child cut me out for a time. She came back around. I gave her the choice, let her live with her decision and eventually, she decided that she wanted a relationship. It was hard. But it worked out ok.

[Faith-manor]

I think talking to a pro and sorting out your feelings in a neutral environment is good. But, I also think the fact that you really worry about this means you are not a toxic person, and therefore probably have little to fear. In my experience, the parents that were cut out of their adult children's lives were the malignant narcissists who were positively toxic, the abusers, the ones that so incredibly favored a single grandchild that is was very painful for the other grandkids to be around their grandparents. 

[Selkie]

9 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

I think talking to a pro and sorting out your feelings in a neutral environment is good. But, I also think the fact that you really worry about this means you are not a toxic person, and therefore probably have little to fear. In my experience, the parents that were cut out of their adult children's lives were the malignant narcissists who were positively toxic, the abusers, the ones that so incredibly favored a single grandchild that is was very painful for the other grandkids to be around their grandparents. 

Sometimes it is the adult child who is toxic, and cuts ties with parents who are decent, good people.

[Hoggirl]

I think you should share your feelings with your adult children.  Tell them what you are experiencing and why.  Obviously, they know that you have severed your relationship with the in-laws (do they have any relationship with them?), so your feelings are based on your own painful experiences.  I’m sure they would understand that.  Invite them to be open with you if they think you are crossing boundaries, getting up in their business too much, whatever.  

I think so many issues occur because people aren’t honest with their feelings.  So be honest with yours to them and encourage them to be honest with theirs to you as well. 

I do understand that good communication will NOT work with a narcissist no matter how hard one tries.  I’m just saying in normal, healthy relationships, people still get their feelings hurt and there are still issues, and it is usually because people aren’t open with how they are really feeling. At least that has been my experience. 

[fairfarmhand]

17 minutes ago, Hoggirl said:

I do understand that good communication will NOT work with a narcissist no matter how hard one tries.  I’m just saying in normal, healthy relationships, people still get their feelings hurt and there are still issues, and it is usually because people aren’t open with how they are really feeling. At least that has been my experience. 

YES! This is normal. It is normal to be hurt, take a step back and then reconnect. Your adult kids may do this from time to time, or you may need to do it with them, That doesn't mean something is wrong or forever. 

But telling your kids this means that they may say things like " Mom, I love you, I'm not cutting you off, but I need a day or a week or two to deal with this situation in my own head. I'll be back in touch in x days." 

And what's hard is for the mom to be okay with that. It's not comfortable, but it's their choice and they're adults.

Being a mom is a very vulnerable thing! 

[Carol in Cal.]

22 minutes ago, Selkie said:

Sometimes it is the adult child who is toxic, and cuts ties with parents who are decent, good people.

This is true.  I have seen this a few times.  And it’s not always upbringing that gets them to that point.

[Ann.without.an.e]

🙂 

Edited October 4, 2021 by Ann.without.an.e

[scbusf]

I will probably see a therapist for a similar issue. I did not have a great relationship with my parents and I desperately want to have better ones with my kids as they become adults. They are currently 11, 13, and 15. 

[ktgrok]

1 hour ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Thank you for your honesty. I think you're right. I was already leaning this way. Tbh, I've never seen a therapist but I'm not opposed, I just never felt there was a real reason for me to see one until now. My dd has a great one and I think seeing her could be good. 

Go! Don't think of therapy as fixing somethign wrong with you, but as having an objective outsider who can help you weed through what is "normal" vs the anxiety talking, and what is a likely thing to happen vs unlikely, as well as tips and tricks to help you feel better about all this. 

[Melissa Louise]

Another vote for therapy. 

I don't know that it's common but it's not uncommon. And if there's something unresolved that's triggering the anxiety, that's worth looking at. 

 

[Spryte]

There’s something to be said for finding a kick-butt therapist. They can really help.

Also — I don’t think this is an unusual worry, for those of us cut off from family, whether by choice or for some other reason. You’re not alone.

[Amy in NH]

22 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Thank you for your honesty. I think you're right. I was already leaning this way. Tbh, I've never seen a therapist but I'm not opposed, I just never felt there was a real reason for me to see one until now. My dd has a great one and I think seeing her could be good. 

Finding a good therapist can be difficult, and be aware that your dd's therapist may not see you due to confidentiality and trust issues it may bring into her relationship with your dd.

[Farrar]

Even if your dd's therapist can't see you, she may have a good suggestion for a colleague who can.

[Ann.without.an.e]

On 10/5/2021 at 11:03 AM, Amy in NH said:

Finding a good therapist can be difficult, and be aware that your dd's therapist may not see you due to confidentiality and trust issues it may bring into her relationship with your dd.

She'll see me. DD asked her when she noticed I was struggling. DD came bouncing out of therapy one day and handed me her card and said "she said she'd see you and she knows what you're going through" 😂 Which is funny because I thought I was hiding my struggle somewhat, but dd and I are close so she picked up on it. I think if DD and I had a lot of issues that the therapist was having to sort through, she would be in a different situation? DD and I have a good relationship. We're pretty close. The only relationship trauma and issues she has are from her grandparents, tons of residual issues to sort through there.