Teenage girls

[saraha]

Laws ya’ll this teenage daughter of mine is driving me crazy. Tonight I told my husband I can’t with her tonight and left her to him.

Please tell me that even though we are like oil and water, somehow we are going to be ok with each other. It’s almost like if we are getting along well, she can’t stand it and blows it up. I have this feeling that the narrative is going to be that I liked her least etc. and it is just breaking my heart.

[LMD]

right there with ya. 😔 exhausting!

[saraha]

I know this is a normal part of growing up for some kids. I just want to know it’s not going to drive a permanent wedge, you know? She’s always been a boundary pusher and compares my relationships with my other daughters to our relationship. I just hope she remembers the ways I supported her and went out of my way for her just as much as I did with the others

Oh and daddy loves her and gets her more. daddy never ever has to be the heavy. Or has to check up on what she’s doing (because she has proven untrustworthy before), etc I’m to the point where maybe I’m thinking that I throw myself on the bomb so that he can have that good relationship with her so that at least one of us does.
Ugh.

She is my third teenage girl and I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing

Edited October 1, 2021 by saraha

[KSera]

I hear you. I have one that I fear the same narrative from (because I already have heard it many times). She really is getting a lot better though. In a recent crisis, she really leaned on me for support. It still could go either way in the long run, but it’s much much better than it was. I have found one thing that helps a lot is not trying to solve any of her problems, but providing as much validation as I can for her feelings and experiences. She responds so much better to “I’m sorry, that sounds really crappy and hard” than to me trying to offer suggestions. 

[saraha]

I’m hoping that dh’s calm demeanor can deal with today’s drama way better than my fragile nerves can 🙄 anymore things seem to escalate so quickly between us

[Garga]

I’m so sorry. I don’t have advice, but I can recognize the feelings you’re expressing. 

[RootAnn]

My almost-not-a-teenager-anymore DD likes me more when she doesn't have to be around me. I embarass her & nag too much. I love her, but it was for the best that she decided to go away to college.

She's an amazing kid. More amazing from 800 miles away.

Sometimes her choices & decisions frustrate me. They frustrate me less when I'm not reminded of them every night at the dinner table.

I will probably be The #2 Villian in her life story. 

[saraha]

54 minutes ago, RootAnn said:

My almost-not-a-teenager-anymore DD likes me more when she doesn't have to be around me. I embarass her & nag too much. I love her, but it was for the best that she decided to go away to college.

She's an amazing kid. More amazing from 800 miles away.

Sometimes her choices & decisions frustrate me. They frustrate me less when I'm not reminded of them every night at the dinner table.

I will probably be The #2 Villian in her life story. 

Man, I am sorry about that. I get what you mean about them being amazing, jut not up close sometimes.

[WildflowerMom]

Saraha, my mother and I were like oil and water when I was in highschool.  It was awful.  I couldn't stand her and frankly, I don't think she liked me much either.   She's my best friend now.   We talk all the time.   I had a better relationship with my dad back then, but now its all about my mom.   Praying for you that the relationship gets better soon! 💛

[PeterPan]

16 hours ago, saraha said:

I’m to the point where maybe I’m thinking that I throw myself on the bomb so that he can have that good relationship with her so that at least one of us does.

You probably *are* covering for him and doing the bad cop thing more than he is. But now that you're recognizing it, you say you want to keep doing it?? When I see this in our home, it's usually time for a sit down recalibrate. Dad has to play bad cop too and cannot only be good cop. 

Does she have some untreated anxiety or depression? 

 

[WildflowerMom]

2 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

You probably *are* covering for him and doing the bad cop thing more than he is. But now that you're recognizing it, you say you want to keep doing it?? When I see this in our home, it's usually time for a sit down recalibrate. Dad has to play bad cop too and cannot only be good cop. 

Does she have some untreated anxiety or depression? 

 

Valid question!   I definitely did! 

[Jann in TX]

You are describing my middle dd.  Oil and water...

It was WONDERFUL when she went away to college-- we could visit briefly by phone a few times a week.

Now dd is in her upper 20's.  Our relationship is still MUCH better if we can be apart-- but nope-- she and her baby (22 mo) are living with us... Oil and Water every day...

I LOVE my dd and I know she loves me... but we both long for the day her health recovers and she can move out on her own with her son... we've had a tiny ray of hope recently as a med change has nearly (not fully) stopped her seizures... 

So we continue to HOPE.

--

My sister and I never got along growing up- we are exactly 2 years apart. 

She got married the same week I moved out-- we have been friends ever since!  We love to visit each other--but must keep the time short or we get on each other's nerves... our Oil and Water has mixed as long as it is used sparingly!

[Loowit]

DD and I had a rough time when she was high school age.  Once she got into college things leveled out.  Now we get along really well.  She is coming home from college this weekend for her brother's birthday, and I am excited to get to see her.

[Storygirl]

I have an oil-and-water relationship with one of my teen daughters, as well. I'm glad that things have smoothed out for some mother-daughter pairs over the long run, and I hope that can be the case for us, as well.

[saraha]

5 hours ago, PeterPan said:

You probably *are* covering for him and doing the bad cop thing more than he is. But now that you're recognizing it, you say you want to keep doing it?? When I see this in our home, it's usually time for a sit down recalibrate. Dad has to play bad cop too and cannot only be good cop. 

Does she have some untreated anxiety or depression? 

 

I don’t think so, she was a boundry pusher from toddlerhood

[Porridge]

I had a rough relationship with mom when I was in college. Looking back, I thought I knew better than she did. Sigh. I just needed time to grow up and mellow out. We still have our bad moments (because we have different communication styles and sometimes forget that we communicate differently) but mostly have a great relationship now. 

[saraha]

6 hours ago, WildflowerMom said:

Saraha, my mother and I were like oil and water when I was in highschool.  It was awful.  I couldn't stand her and frankly, I don't think she liked me much either.   She's my best friend now.   We talk all the time.   I had a better relationship with my dad back then, but now its all about my mom.   Praying for you that the relationship gets better soon! 💛

Thank you for this, I am hanging onto this right now

[saraha]

7 minutes ago, WTM said:

I had a rough relationship with mom when I was in college. Looking back, I thought I knew better than she did. Sigh. I just needed time to grow up and mellow out. We still have our bad moments (because we have different communication styles and sometimes forget that we communicate differently) but mostly have a great relationship now. 

That’s what dh and I keep saying, she’ll grow up, she’ll grow up, I just want to be a part of her life when she does

[saraha]

Thanks everybody, you are making me feel better.

[MercyA]

I was terrible to my mom when I was a teenager. I remember cursing at her at least once. I thought my dad was the best (and he was, but so was my mom!).

She and my DH are my best friends in the world now. As soon as we didn't live together, things got better. ❤️