saraha Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 Laws ya’ll this teenage daughter of mine is driving me crazy. Tonight I told my husband I can’t with her tonight and left her to him. Please tell me that even though we are like oil and water, somehow we are going to be ok with each other. It’s almost like if we are getting along well, she can’t stand it and blows it up. I have this feeling that the narrative is going to be that I liked her least etc. and it is just breaking my heart. 2 3 Quote
saraha Posted October 1, 2021 Author Posted October 1, 2021 (edited) I know this is a normal part of growing up for some kids. I just want to know it’s not going to drive a permanent wedge, you know? She’s always been a boundary pusher and compares my relationships with my other daughters to our relationship. I just hope she remembers the ways I supported her and went out of my way for her just as much as I did with the others Oh and daddy loves her and gets her more. daddy never ever has to be the heavy. Or has to check up on what she’s doing (because she has proven untrustworthy before), etc I’m to the point where maybe I’m thinking that I throw myself on the bomb so that he can have that good relationship with her so that at least one of us does. Ugh. She is my third teenage girl and I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing Edited October 1, 2021 by saraha 2 2 Quote
KSera Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 I hear you. I have one that I fear the same narrative from (because I already have heard it many times). She really is getting a lot better though. In a recent crisis, she really leaned on me for support. It still could go either way in the long run, but it’s much much better than it was. I have found one thing that helps a lot is not trying to solve any of her problems, but providing as much validation as I can for her feelings and experiences. She responds so much better to “I’m sorry, that sounds really crappy and hard” than to me trying to offer suggestions. 3 1 Quote
saraha Posted October 1, 2021 Author Posted October 1, 2021 I’m hoping that dh’s calm demeanor can deal with today’s drama way better than my fragile nerves can 🙄 anymore things seem to escalate so quickly between us Quote
Garga Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 I’m so sorry. I don’t have advice, but I can recognize the feelings you’re expressing. 1 Quote
RootAnn Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 My almost-not-a-teenager-anymore DD likes me more when she doesn't have to be around me. I embarass her & nag too much. I love her, but it was for the best that she decided to go away to college. She's an amazing kid. More amazing from 800 miles away. Sometimes her choices & decisions frustrate me. They frustrate me less when I'm not reminded of them every night at the dinner table. I will probably be The #2 Villian in her life story. 2 Quote
saraha Posted October 1, 2021 Author Posted October 1, 2021 54 minutes ago, RootAnn said: My almost-not-a-teenager-anymore DD likes me more when she doesn't have to be around me. I embarass her & nag too much. I love her, but it was for the best that she decided to go away to college. She's an amazing kid. More amazing from 800 miles away. Sometimes her choices & decisions frustrate me. They frustrate me less when I'm not reminded of them every night at the dinner table. I will probably be The #2 Villian in her life story. Man, I am sorry about that. I get what you mean about them being amazing, jut not up close sometimes. Quote
WildflowerMom Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 Saraha, my mother and I were like oil and water when I was in highschool. It was awful. I couldn't stand her and frankly, I don't think she liked me much either. She's my best friend now. We talk all the time. I had a better relationship with my dad back then, but now its all about my mom. Praying for you that the relationship gets better soon! 💛 3 1 Quote
PeterPan Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 16 hours ago, saraha said: I’m to the point where maybe I’m thinking that I throw myself on the bomb so that he can have that good relationship with her so that at least one of us does. You probably *are* covering for him and doing the bad cop thing more than he is. But now that you're recognizing it, you say you want to keep doing it?? When I see this in our home, it's usually time for a sit down recalibrate. Dad has to play bad cop too and cannot only be good cop. Does she have some untreated anxiety or depression? 1 Quote
WildflowerMom Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 2 minutes ago, PeterPan said: You probably *are* covering for him and doing the bad cop thing more than he is. But now that you're recognizing it, you say you want to keep doing it?? When I see this in our home, it's usually time for a sit down recalibrate. Dad has to play bad cop too and cannot only be good cop. Does she have some untreated anxiety or depression? Valid question! I definitely did! Quote
Jann in TX Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 You are describing my middle dd. Oil and water... It was WONDERFUL when she went away to college-- we could visit briefly by phone a few times a week. Now dd is in her upper 20's. Our relationship is still MUCH better if we can be apart-- but nope-- she and her baby (22 mo) are living with us... Oil and Water every day... I LOVE my dd and I know she loves me... but we both long for the day her health recovers and she can move out on her own with her son... we've had a tiny ray of hope recently as a med change has nearly (not fully) stopped her seizures... So we continue to HOPE. -- My sister and I never got along growing up- we are exactly 2 years apart. She got married the same week I moved out-- we have been friends ever since! We love to visit each other--but must keep the time short or we get on each other's nerves... our Oil and Water has mixed as long as it is used sparingly! 3 Quote
Loowit Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 DD and I had a rough time when she was high school age. Once she got into college things leveled out. Now we get along really well. She is coming home from college this weekend for her brother's birthday, and I am excited to get to see her. 3 Quote
Storygirl Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 I have an oil-and-water relationship with one of my teen daughters, as well. I'm glad that things have smoothed out for some mother-daughter pairs over the long run, and I hope that can be the case for us, as well. 3 Quote
saraha Posted October 2, 2021 Author Posted October 2, 2021 5 hours ago, PeterPan said: You probably *are* covering for him and doing the bad cop thing more than he is. But now that you're recognizing it, you say you want to keep doing it?? When I see this in our home, it's usually time for a sit down recalibrate. Dad has to play bad cop too and cannot only be good cop. Does she have some untreated anxiety or depression? I don’t think so, she was a boundry pusher from toddlerhood Quote
Porridge Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 I had a rough relationship with mom when I was in college. Looking back, I thought I knew better than she did. Sigh. I just needed time to grow up and mellow out. We still have our bad moments (because we have different communication styles and sometimes forget that we communicate differently) but mostly have a great relationship now. 1 1 Quote
saraha Posted October 2, 2021 Author Posted October 2, 2021 6 hours ago, WildflowerMom said: Saraha, my mother and I were like oil and water when I was in highschool. It was awful. I couldn't stand her and frankly, I don't think she liked me much either. She's my best friend now. We talk all the time. I had a better relationship with my dad back then, but now its all about my mom. Praying for you that the relationship gets better soon! 💛 Thank you for this, I am hanging onto this right now 1 Quote
saraha Posted October 2, 2021 Author Posted October 2, 2021 7 minutes ago, WTM said: I had a rough relationship with mom when I was in college. Looking back, I thought I knew better than she did. Sigh. I just needed time to grow up and mellow out. We still have our bad moments (because we have different communication styles and sometimes forget that we communicate differently) but mostly have a great relationship now. That’s what dh and I keep saying, she’ll grow up, she’ll grow up, I just want to be a part of her life when she does 2 Quote
saraha Posted October 2, 2021 Author Posted October 2, 2021 Thanks everybody, you are making me feel better. 3 Quote
MercyA Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 I was terrible to my mom when I was a teenager. I remember cursing at her at least once. I thought my dad was the best (and he was, but so was my mom!). She and my DH are my best friends in the world now. As soon as we didn't live together, things got better. ❤️ 1 Quote
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