if you didn't like where you lived, but couldn't move...

[EmilyGF]

Don't quote, I'll probably delete.

Until COVID, I had a love-hate relationship with my big city. There were things I really hated, more than anywhere else I'd lived, but also things I really loved, more than anywhere else I lived.

COVID has basically cut off everything I loved while exaggerating everything I hated already. 

Moving isn't an option. 

Some things I do like: my street, my neighbors, my house (best floor plan I can imagine for us, and totally bizarre; we'd never find anything like it elsewhere); walking, my husband's job.

What would you do to help yourself stop focusing on the negatives? For example, I went birdwatching with my son today. I was annoyed by the garbage, the people smoking, the loud music, etc. I didn't focus on the sunset, skyline, birds, prairie, marsh, or even the fact that my 16-yo son loves taking me places with him.

Help appreciated. Also, I'm a Christian, so you are welcome to address it from that direction.

Emily

[ktgrok]

Ugh, I think just focusing. on what you can, or staying home a lot? I don't like my city either, but I have some good friends here, and my family is in the area, so we won't be moving. I mean, we are moving, but in the same area, just to a better for us house, God willing. 

[Jann in TX]

(Hugs)-- It sounds like you already know what to do-- FIGHT for the focus-- focus on : the sunset, skyline, birds, prairie, marsh, or even the fact that my 16-yo son loves taking me places with him...  don't let the negatives you can't control steal your focus and your time!

My pastor spoke about this today... Here is the link to the sermon.

It was a good reality check for me-- I've been complaining, comparing and coveting... all 3 of these things are stealing the JOY that Jesus wants for me (us). 

[Bambam]

I think you focus on being grateful for the good. If you can concentrate on that, you can overlook the bad? I, personally, find the thanksgiving part is important for me. 

Philippians 4:6-7 
"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

[marbel]

I understand the feeling of not liking where you live. Up until a couple of years ago, I hated the place we've lived for 15 years now. 

In that time, literally nothing changed except my attitude about the area. We had originally expected to live here for 4 years, so we had  come here determining not to get too attached. Well the joke was on us, eh? I suppose now that I have accepted that we live here, and have come to like the area, we'll end up moving.  😉

The previous posters all said it - embrace what is good, and be thankful for it. You have a great house? That is a huge thing!  You have a 16 year old who likes to hang out with you?  Bonus!

What helped me was deciding that I was going to start exploring more. I found that this area has some really wonderful natural areas, including one within 15 minutes drive that I had largely ignored all these years. My husband and I have started working on our yard, adding native plants and beautifying it while making it pollinator-friendly. There are a lot of gardens around here to visit, so we have been doing that. Last spring I made sure to enjoy the fleeting days between winter and hot humid summer, and when I was intentional about that, I found I did enjoy it, which made the hard summer easier to take. I am planning lots of time outdoors for fall. We live in an area with wonderful fall color and I am making lots of plans. 

As others have said, I have had to learn to focus. When I go explore the city, I can focus on the noisy streets, the rude people, the crowds. Or I can focus on the beautiful architecture, the historic buildings, the quaint streets. 

As a Christian, I know we are not to ignore the ugliness of the word, but we are not to focus on it all the time. If I can keep enjoying a sunset even with noisy rude people around me, and my kid sees that, that sets the kid up to focus on the beauty too.  Maybe others will see my appreciation of the moment, and they will be quiet for a bit to appreciate it too. 

I've been enjoying the book Joyful by Ingrid Fetell Lee. It is not a Christian book but it is not incompatible with Christianity, as we are supposed to be the most joyful of people! The author has a blog, The Aesthetics of Joy. She talks about different things that bring people joy, and how to find joy. It's interesting and I'm finding it uplifting and inspiring. I think it's worth checking out. I had it from the library but ended up buying a copy. That's rare for me!

I hope you are able to find joy in the place you live. 

 

[Tanaqui]

Sometimes I think that an emphasis on "not focusing on the negatives" or positivity or "counting your blessings" (or however you want to phrase it) can be... well, at the very least, counter-productive.

Trying not to dwell on how much you hate the garbage, the smoking, the loud music - that can be like trying not to think about a purple polar bear. The more you try to avoid this, the more you can't help thinking about it. And while it's not really a big deal to have an intrusive purple polar bear in your thoughts, when it comes to your genuine irritations it's just SO FRUSTRATING even more than usual.

Sometimes I find it easier to just... give up on this idea of thinking happy thoughts. It's easier if I acknowledge that I don't like the garbage/smoking/music and just... go with it. I can let go of that thought and the associated irritation and anger easier, because I wasn't trying to avoid thinking about it. I thought about it, I let myself feel it, and now I can move on to thinking about something else. (Especially when, as in this case, that irritation and anger is probably at least partially displaced. I bet you wouldn't be so irritated by all that if you weren't stressed by a pandemic. Even if you could do all the Good Things you did pre-pandemic, it'd still be there as a background stressor no matter what.)

I also sometimes find it helps to be pro-active. Like, you talk about the birdwatching and the garbage, cigarette smoke, and music noise.

Okay, well, I don't do birdwatching but I do like to walk my dogs. And garbage annoys me too! So sometimes I bring along a bag and pick some garbage up as I walk the dogs, drop it in a public trash can before I get home. Now instead of being irritated I can feel like I've Done My Part, and also feel a little smugly superior to all my neighbors.

I hate loud music too, and cigarette smoking - so I'm careful not to go to the park when it's likely to be crowded with the sort of annoying people who will insist on playing their music like everybody wants to hear their awful musical choices. (Alternatively, I've toyed with the idea of playing my OWN music, except I can't decide whether to go with Rite of Spring or Baby Shark on loop. I'm not quite that mean, though I really should get some cheapie headphones to hand out....) A little bit of pre-planning saves me irritation. Most of the time.

[elegantlion]

I try to remember that good and bad always get mixed together. It's never all good or all bad, okay rarely. It takes practice to focus on the good, as mentioned above. 

I live someplace I kind of like, kind of don't. I'd be happy to stay here for the rest of my life though. There is a possibility we may move to the Big City next year. So lately, I've been going back and forth with my likes & dislikes about both areas (having lived in both). Thinking of moving away from the things I like here has helped me clarify what works and where I need to place my focus. Of course, today was one of those days that I'd be happy to move - I'm still practicing on the focus.  

[Scarlett]

I am currently stuck in a town I hate so bad I can’t adequately express it.  I just try to focus on the positives of my personal life and realize my personal happiness is not dependent upon a town.

[Shoeless]

lI live in a town that I used to like, but then Covid took everything good away, and it seems unlikely the good stuff will come back anytime soon. Now I hate this place. 

Is there any chance you can move in the future? We plan to move soon-ish. To cope with the situation until we can leave, I have thrown myself into bigger projects and hobbies.  It's all the type of stuff I said I would do "some day, when I have time". Someday is now!

Edited September 27, 2021 by MissLemon

[TCB]

We had a speaker at our staff meeting talking about similar things. I haven’t tried this yet but a practical thing he suggested to turn your attitude towards gratitude was every day write down:

3 things your thankful for

2 things you like about yourself

1 I am statement - “I am sad” “I am happy” etc for that day

He said it had turned his attitude around. He was talking to a group of depressed, exhausted ICU nurses so it will be interesting to see if any of us do the exercise, and if it changes things.

[Carrie12345]

6 hours ago, marbel said:

I understand the feeling of not liking where you live. Up until a couple of years ago, I hated the place we've lived for 15 years now. 

In that time, literally nothing changed except my attitude about the area. We had originally expected to live here for 4 years, so we had  come here determining not to get too attached. Well the joke was on us, eh? I suppose now that I have accepted that we live here, and have come to like the area, we'll end up moving.  😉

This is my story, too.  
I expected we’d move back to our home state when we could afford to, and spent so much energy fixated on that. And then, oops! We outgrew our house, and the market bubble burst. So I was fixated on both location and house issues. It went on so long that I had to resign myself to shifting my attitude.

That’s not to say I completely stopped complaining and wishing, just that I had to make the best of it. 16 years of living here, and we’re building our new house nearby because there’s nowhere I’d rather be!
 

I’m not in a big city. I grew up in a tiny, quiet suburb, and now I’m considered fairly rural. I’ve pretty much always had to go somewhere else to “do things”, so that’s normal to me. People in larger cities *can do that, too! What’s in your surrounding area? How often can you fit in a 30-45 min drive to do neat things somewhere else? I’m not sure how old your kids are, but people come here from all over to do outdoor programs geared toward young homeschoolers.

You like your immediate space. Do you have a yard that you can do some neat things in? Outdoor gatherings with the neighbors?

[HomeAgain]

The last place I lived, I hated.  With a passion.  My yougest was so confused when we moved away and I let him go outside barefoot, drink water from the tap, and ride his bike on our street because none of that was trying to kill us here.  Hate isn't a strong enough word for that place, but that's what I've got. Even the house was terrible when we moved in.  We only bought it because it was available.

I found my people, though.  We bonded over a mutual love for coffee and crafts.  Once a week with people I liked was enough to recharge me.  I spent years fixing up our house and yard to be a sanctuary from the rest of it all, which also helped.  It also meant that I became more of a homebody, which helped when the pandemic came here. 

If I had stayed, though, I don't know if I would be happy.  Not exactly.  I would be fine, but not happy, and it sound like that's where you are, too.  And I don't know if I would want to be "fine" for the rest of my life.

[kristin0713]

If you love your house, street, and neighbors, that is huge!  What else can you do with your house to love it even more? Give yourself some freedom for new decor, inside and out, to encourage joy with the house.  Spend as much time with neighbors as you can, if you are comfortable doing so.  Can you go for drives out of the city on the weekend to fun or beautiful places?  Not sure where you live, but with fall here/coming hopefully the weather will be good where you are.  

[EmilyGF]

Thanks for responding.

@Jann in TXI started listening to the sermon while cleaning last night. Hopefully I'll get farther today, but it is helpful already. Our sermon today was touching on joy, too, but I hadn't connected the dots with it to my situation.

@marbelThank you for sharing about your situation.

@HomeAgainWe do have some real problems here, but nowhere as extreme as yours! Thank you for providing that perspective.

Yes, @kristin0713 I do know that neighbors, street, and house add up to a lot!

I'm pondering some of the things that I've taken for granted, too. Thanks.

[KungFuPanda]

It sounds like you love your immediate neighborhood and home. Can you get around the rest by planning your outings differently. Try imagining you live further away from civilization than you do. Can you get better grocery, walking path, or service choices if you drive 15 miles away rather than 5?

[Not_a_Number]

Honestly, I've been kind of taking it one day at a time and focusing on what I love. The pandemic has really cut down on what I love about living in a big city, too, but I try to remind myself that it won't be forever... and I've also been enjoying the things there ARE to like here more. 

[EmilyGF]

16 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

Honestly, I've been kind of taking it one day at a time and focusing on what I love. The pandemic has really cut down on what I love about living in a big city, too, but I try to remind myself that it won't be forever... and I've also been enjoying the things there ARE to like here more. 

The big city is all about congregating, crowds, events, etc... Argh. But it is also about opportunity, connections, ideas.

[Not_a_Number]

41 minutes ago, EmilyGF said:

The big city is all about congregating, crowds, events, etc... Argh. But it is also about opportunity, connections, ideas.

I personally don't think I could homeschool away from a big city. It's hard enough to find like-minded friends in a big place. 

Of course, who knows how long we'll keep homeschooling... but there are also better schools and more opportunities here. And I love walking places instead of driving. And I actually like the fact that one is not sheltered from some of the messy realities of life. 

There are a lot of things I like about living here. They just don't apply as well in a pandemic!! 

[BusyMom5]

I guess I am in the opposite place.  I love my house,  how close we are to family,  my acres of farmland.  I hate how isolated we are, how every single trip to a store takes hours from my day, how far we are from hospitals,  Drs, specialists, shopping, car repairs- everything!  I also don't feel I fit in well with people around here.  But here I am, snd we don't have any good options for leaving (COL is very low, this is a generation farm).   So, what can you do?  I admit I don't like it.  I need my DH to admit that it complicates my life to live here, and limits opportunities our kids have.  I have to accept the driving,  bc its the only option.  There are days I don't like it and just need to vent.  I dream of moving,  but doubt its realistic.  I guess try to find acceptance,  but vent when needed,  and drive to the places you want to visit!

[regentrude]

I moved to my current town pretty much against my will, and it took me many years to make my peace with it. For many years I actively hated it here because I was missing everything my hometown had. Like for you, moving is impossible before retirement.
What helps me is to find something I like to do here that is better than in my home town, and try not to dwell on the things I had to give up. For me, the pandemic meant being finally able to appreciate where I am because the amenities that I am missing would not be available, and the low population density of a small town was a plus.
I know that in the pandemic, your city doesn't seem like a great place. Trust that things will get better. Meantime, try to enjoy the things you can and perhaps discover new places and new activities you had not tried before. I found that finding, and loving, something *new* to do was important for me because we had gotten into a  rut after twenty years of living here.