Why is it considered “stalking” if a person looks at board member’s profile page?

[pinball]

Title says it all.

[Danae]

It’s not.  Saying that is a joke.

[pinball]

3 minutes ago, Danae said:

It’s not.  Saying that is a joke.

It doesn’t seem like a joke if people are apologizing and claiming not be a stalker.

[Danae]

10 minutes ago, pinball said:

It doesn’t seem like a joke if people are apologizing and claiming not be a stalker.

That’s the joke.  “I accidentally hit the wrong button when I’m browsing on my phone so many times that people are going to think I’m stalking them, ha ha.” 

“Oooo, me too, I’m not a stalker, really!”

“I did it just now, please don’t think I’m stalking you!”

 

It’s a running gag based on how easy it is to accidentally click on the profile button.

[pinball]

2 minutes ago, Danae said:

That’s the joke.  “I accidentally hit the wrong button when I’m browsing on my phone so many times that people are going to think I’m stalking them, ha ha.” 

“Oooo, me too, I’m not a stalker, really!”

“I did it just now, please don’t think I’m stalking you!”

 

It’s a running gag based on how easy it is to accidentally click on the profile button.

So accidentally clicking is associated with a crime and that’s considered a “joke.”

 

 

[Bootsie]

Having experienced an extremely dangerous and serious stalking situation, I really dislike how the word is used in such trivial ways.  

[SKL]

Well, I'm glad to hear the explanation, because I've accidentally clicked into people's profile page, and then thought, "oh no, they are going to think I am getting all up in their business."  😛

[bolt.]

21 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

Having experienced an extremely dangerous and serious stalking situation, I really dislike how the word is used in such trivial ways.  

That's totally fair. I think the 'among friends, no crime implied' end of the semantic range for stalking covers a common hyperbolic use expressing something like, "Showing undue or unhealthy interest in someone, looking them up online more frequently or thoroughly than would be reasonable given one's relationship with that person."

People are apologizing for perhaps visiting the profile pages of other users unintentionally frequently. Once or twice would not be 'stalking' even by this hyperbolic use.

Maybe we need another better word. I also hate it when serious things are made trivial like this. Real stalking is terrifying.

[lynn]

I hope not, I sometimes hit a persons name while scrolling on my tablet and accidentally get their profile page.  😳🙄.     Sorry....

Edited September 21, 2021 by lynn

[Kassia]

Sometimes I'll look at a person's profile page to find a specific thread I can't find but know they posted in.  I'm not sure what you can find out from the page that would be considered stalking - I never pay attention.  

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

a.  It's not really considered stalking.  It's intended as a joke whether you find it funny or not.

b.  people do look up profile pages on purpose.  It's ok.  There is a reason why there is a profile page to look up.

c.  I did have one person here who did stalk me for awhile.  It was annoying.  But not the same as someone who knows me irl stalking me.  Cuz I still do have some anonymity.

[Pam in CT]

Why... why do we even HAVE profile pages, except to be looked at?

I've definitely hit into them accidentally, usually when aiming too-carelessly at the "like" button and inadvertently hitting onto the name of someone who's already "liked."  But I've also definitely gone looking into them, trying to find a prior thread I kinda-sorta remember the poster having once started, or if someone's just joined a social group and I want to modulate my own tone/response to how the poster presents, or if another poster has sparked my curiosity by nosing around in mine.  Why... why do we HAVE them, or put content into them, if not to be seen? 

(Missing something obvious evidently...)

 

Concur with pp about using words that have a particular meaning loosely/rhetorically -- it's both painful to those holding lived experience of the real thing, and also robs the language of its power and meaning.  (I feel the same way about choosing the term "rape" to refer to deforestation or hard business negotiation; or the term "lynching" to refer to pointed Congressional questioning. Just... dial it back. Manners.)

[El...]

I 100% read through a bunch of lewelma's threads using her profile page to find them. That's what the thing is for, isn't it? And she's just brilliant, so.

Most of the time, though, i click them by mistake on my tiny phone. 

[Pam in CT]

3 minutes ago, elroisees said:

I 100% read through a bunch of lewelma's threads using her profile page to find them. That's what the thing is for, isn't it? And she's just brilliant, so.

Most of the time, though, i click them by mistake on my tiny phone. 

+1 exactly, down to the particular profile page LOL.

[MercyA]

I usually look up someone's profile for one of two reasons:

1. To send them a PM.

2. To find a thread in which I know they posted.

I suppose if someone was constantly checking your profile page you might gather that they are looking to see every little thing you post, which would be a little stalker-ish (sorry, I didn't know what other word to use!).

I most often click on to profile pages by accident. 

Edited September 21, 2021 by MercyA

[Ann.without.an.e]

If I look you up, I *may* have accidentally hit it or I'm just legit stalking you. Why apologize 😂 Some of y'all are really cool and I want to see what other wisdom you have shared or you refer back to another thread that is easiest to get to that way. 

[Pawz4me]

I was in bed the other night, tired and sleepy but still clicking around, and I think I ended up very accidentally on three profiles in a row. Fat, sleepy fingers.

[annandatje]

I just looked at a profile page I think.  However, all it had was links to what member has posted or commented on.  No personal information.  I suppose the signature is for personal info; assumed that the profile was for personal info.

[pinball]

59 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

a.  It's not really considered stalking.  It's intended as a joke whether you find it funny or not.

b.  people do look up profile pages on purpose.  It's ok.  There is a reason why there is a profile page to look up.

c.  I did have one person here who did stalk me for awhile.  It was annoying.  But not the same as someone who knows me irl stalking me.  Cuz I still do have some anonymity.

You aren’t REALLY defending jokes by saying they are OK if you think they are funny and if someone else doesn’t find it funny, then too bad, so sad…

“I was JOKING!” said the racist, misogynist, etc, etc…

[JustEm]

1 hour ago, pinball said:

So accidentally clicking is associated with a crime and that’s considered a “joke.”

 

 

The term stalking has been used as hyperbole for years to refer to people looking you up on social media and going through your past posts and such just for the heck of it.  Nothing criminal.  But people do like to joke about people doing that.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Just now, pinball said:

You aren’t REALLY defending jokes by saying they are OK if you think they are funny and if someone else doesn’t find it funny, then too bad, so sad…

“I was JOKING!” said the racist, misogynist, etc, etc…

Saying "Sorry if I was stalking. . ." is not racist.  Or misogynist or anything else.  It could be considered insensitive to those who have been legitimately stalked.  I would be happy to use a different word than stalking if I had one (as others have said as well). 

[pinball]

Just now, Jean in Newcastle said:

Saying "Sorry if I was stalking. . ." is not racist.  Or misogynist or anything else.  It could be considered insensitive to those who have been legitimately stalked.  I would be happy to use a different word than stalking if I had one (as others have said as well). 

That’s not what I said. 
 

strawman

[Not_a_Number]

1 hour ago, Pam in CT said:

But I've also definitely gone looking into them, trying to find a prior thread I kinda-sorta remember the poster having once started, or if someone's just joined a social group and I want to modulate my own tone/response to how the poster presents, or if another poster has sparked my curiosity by nosing around in mine.  Why... why do we HAVE them, or put content into them, if not to be seen? 

I like looking at people's profile pages, lol. Are we not supposed to??? 

[GracieJane]

8 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I like looking at people's profile pages, lol. Are we not supposed to??? 

+1 Some users are really insightful and looking at their post history gives you good ideas. 

[pinball]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

Well, I'm glad to hear the explanation, because I've accidentally clicked into people's profile page, and then thought, "oh no, they are going to think I am getting all up in their business."  😛

There is definitely something amiss if accidentally clicking on a profile page elicits “oh, no’s” and apologies and “jokes” comparing it to a serious crime.

[freesia]

1 hour ago, pinball said:

There is definitely something amiss if accidentally clicking on a profile page elicits “oh, no’s” and apologies and “jokes” comparing it to a serious crime.

You seem to be having trouble understanding what people are saying. It is a type of joke. No one is accusing anyone of a serious crime, even metaphorically. What Jean was saying is that it is funny even if you don’t think it’s funny not in the way a racist joke is only funny to racists but more in the way a joke in another culture might be even if you don’t get it. In a sense we are taught what is funny culturally. That you don’t find it funny is fine, but please trust that the people using it intend only humor ( and actually are only calling themselves out.)

Edited September 21, 2021 by freesia

[Tanaqui]

I can see you feel strongly about this. The people making those jokes do not feel as strongly about it, but I'm sure they'll all be happy not to make those jokes to you.

[freesia]

4 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

I can see you feel strongly about this. The people making those jokes do not feel as strongly about it, but I'm sure they'll all be happy not to make those jokes to you.

Absolutely!

[Pawz4me]

Tongue in cheek.

 Definition from Merriam-Webster, for anyone who isn't familiar:

Quote

characterized by insincerity, irony, or whimsical exaggeration

and

Quote

with insincerity, irony, or whimsical exaggeration

You'll find examples of it all over this forum.

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, annandatje said:

I just looked at a profile page I think.  However, all it had was links to what member has posted or commented on.  No personal information.  I suppose the signature is for personal info; assumed that the profile was for personal info.

There is personal information on the profile page. How much personal information is there is up to the respective member to disclose. Location, gender, hobbies, date of birth are part of the profile.

[Bootsie]

I have heard a number of people using the term "stalking" in a joking way about someone looking at social media.  I have also heard a number of young people accuse others of stalking--not as a joke but as if someone looking at their social media is wrong.  I have heard young people complain, for example, that their parents are stalking them by looking at their Twitter--or whatever they are using.  I have also heard college students complain that a potential employer stalked them by looking at their social media; they claim this is an invasion of their privacy or denying them free speech.  They seriously think they have a complaint and have been wronged.  

Having experienced a serious stalker for a number of years, I think it trivializes what stalking is and what stalking is about.  Some of my frustrations when I first experienced this stalker was that his stalking was not considered a crime because we had no history of a relationship, were not family, and because I was not a public figure.  (The laws in my state have changed since that time).  The only reason I will post this today and make as much personal information available electronically as I do is that I know that this stalker is now deceased. 

[pinball]

13 minutes ago, freesia said:

You seem to be having trouble understanding what people are saying. It is a type of joke. No one is accusing anyone of a serious crime, even metaphorically. What Jean was saying is that it is funny even if you don’t think it’s funny not in the way a racist joke is only funny to racists but more in the way a joke in another culture might be even if you don’t get it. In a sense we are taught what is funny culturally. That you don’t find it funny is fine, but please trust that the people using it intend only humor ( and actually are only calling themselves out.)

Not agreeing with someone does not equal having trouble understanding what someone is saying.

It is funny how you immediately went to that…that I have an issue with understanding and if only I was not having “trouble understanding” I would agree with Jean or whomever else it is you are speaking for.

[Bootsie]

20 minutes ago, freesia said:

You seem to be having trouble understanding what people are saying. It is a type of joke. No one is accusing anyone of a serious crime, even metaphorically. What Jean was saying is that it is funny even if you don’t think it’s funny not in the way a racist joke is only funny to racists but more in the way a joke in another culture might be even if you don’t get it. In a sense we are taught what is funny culturally. That you don’t find it funny is fine, but please trust that the people using it intend only humor ( and actually are only calling themselves out.)

So what culture thinks and teaches that stalking is funny and a joke?  Anyone I know who has experienced serious stalking does not belong to a culture that thinks it is funny.   I think there have been cultures that have been taught that things are funny, and people laugh at, that are underlying racist, that the person laughing thinks they are laughing because it is funny in their culture and would not consider themselves racist.  

When I heare someone joke about stalking, it is not that I think they are accusing anyone of a serious crime--the issue is that I think they are taking something that is extremely serious and joking about it.  It isn't the accusation that some of us find troubling it is the trivilization of stalking that we have trouble with. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

5 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

So what culture thinks and teaches that stalking is funny and a joke?  Anyone I know who has experienced serious stalking does not belong to a culture that thinks it is funny.   I think there have been cultures that have been taught that things are funny, and people laugh at, that are underlying racist, that the person laughing thinks they are laughing because it is funny in their culture and would not consider themselves racist.  

When I heare someone joke about stalking, it is not that I think they are accusing anyone of a serious crime--the issue is that I think they are taking something that is extremely serious and joking about it.  It isn't the accusation that some of us find troubling it is the trivilization of stalking that we have trouble with. 

The people making the joke are using self-deprecating humor.  What they are really saying is "I am so nosy!"  And so here's the better word to use.  But of course the joke is that they aren't really being nosy in the real sense of the word.  They are either hitting the button by accident in which case of course they aren't even inquisitive but just clumsy with the finger on a small screen.  Or they are looking someone up for a reason - to remind themselves of what that person has said before on a topic, or whatever.   So I don't personally think that the self deprecating humor is necessary, but I don't find it a reason to scold anyone. 

[WildflowerMom]

7 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

So what culture thinks and teaches that stalking is funny and a joke?  Anyone I know who has experienced serious stalking does not belong to a culture that thinks it is funny.   I think there have been cultures that have been taught that things are funny, and people laugh at, that are underlying racist, that the person laughing thinks they are laughing because it is funny in their culture and would not consider themselves racist.  

When I heare someone joke about stalking, it is not that I think they are accusing anyone of a serious crime--the issue is that I think they are taking something that is extremely serious and joking about it.  It isn't the accusation that some of us find troubling it is the trivilization of stalking that we have trouble with. 

This happens regularly with other things like OCD and other mental illnesses, heart attacks (I just had a heart attack reading the price of that dinner!), etc.   I have OCD.  I choose not to assign bad intent to people who make a joke that they have OCD because they like an organized home or whatever.    I also am one of those people who sees most everybody in a good light though, so there's that.  I'm idealistic.  

[SKL]

1 hour ago, pinball said:

There is definitely something amiss if accidentally clicking on a profile page elicits “oh, no’s” and apologies and “jokes” comparing it to a serious crime.

The fact that the website informs each person who were the most recent visitors to their profile is a bit creepy IMO.

[freesia]

28 minutes ago, pinball said:

Not agreeing with someone does not equal having trouble understanding what someone is saying.

It is funny how you immediately went to that…that I have an issue with understanding and if only I was not having “trouble understanding” I would agree with Jean or whomever else it is you are speaking for.

You are the one who kept asking questions. You kept kind of attacking people in a way that showed no attempt at understanding after you asked what was funny.  Maybe I misunderstood and you are just being provocative.  Is what you are really saying is what Bootsie is—that you don’t think stalking should be a joke? That I would tend to agree with. But no one was trying to demean anyone other than maybe themselves. 

[SKL]

I will say ... some time ago, there were a few individuals on here who would never miss an opportunity to attack me ... over things like whether I kept my house clean and what word I chose to express something ... it was honestly malicious.  I mean there are tons of people here who vehemently disagree with me, but I think they are sincere and not malicious.  But these people were.

So once I went on my profile for some reason - maybe I was changing my signature or whatever.  And the recent visitors to my profile included a couple of those malicious posters.  (Those people haven't been seen here for a long time, so it's nobody here currently, I don't think!)

So yeah, that was creepy.

And maybe that's why, if I accidentally click on the name of someone I'm currently disagreeing with, I wonder if they are going to see my name and wonder what I'm up to.

FTR I don't ever go on people's profiles for any negative reason.  I very rarely check a profile to try to find an old thread that person was active in.

[East Coast Sue]

4 hours ago, Bootsie said:

Having experienced an extremely dangerous and serious stalking situation, I really dislike how the word is used in such trivial ways.  

Same here. Stalking is terrifying. Don’t minimize or trivialize. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

I’m always accidentally clicking on people’s profiles so you probably see my name on there a lot. 😂

[Melissa Louise]

It's 99.9% of the time, accidental. 

It's a joke - I agree we probably should update our jokes. After a long disagreement here, I rethought and now try to change words like 'crazy' for alternatives like 'odd' or 'eccentric', so definitely people have argued here for more sensitive language before. 

Perhaps we could say 'Sorry I accidentally keep visiting your profile, I'm not trying to be nosy, just fat thumbs on my phone.'

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I’m always accidentally clicking on people’s profiles so you probably see my name on there a lot. 😂

Endlessly. And it's so embarrassing. I never deliberately visit someone's profile, because why would you? But I land there often enough. 

[pinball]

3 minutes ago, freesia said:

You are the one who kept asking questions. You kept kind of attacking people in a way that showed no attempt at understanding after you asked what was funny.  Maybe I misunderstood and you are just being provocative.  Is what you are really saying is what Bootsie is—that you don’t think stalking should be a joke? That I would tend to agree with. But no one was trying to demean anyone other than maybe themselves. 

I responded to people who replied to me…mostly restating what they had written to be sure I understood.

That’s neither attacking nor being provocative…

 

[freesia]

26 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

So what culture thinks and teaches that stalking is funny and a joke?  Anyone I know who has experienced serious stalking does not belong to a culture that thinks it is funny.   I think there have been cultures that have been taught that things are funny, and people laugh at, that are underlying racist, that the person laughing thinks they are laughing because it is funny in their culture and would not consider themselves racist.  

When I heare someone joke about stalking, it is not that I think they are accusing anyone of a serious crime--the issue is that I think they are taking something that is extremely serious and joking about it.  It isn't the accusation that some of us find troubling it is the trivilization of stalking that we have trouble with. 

I read this as different from what pinball is saying.  But maybe I misunderstood. Calling yourself a stalker isn’t the same to me as a racist joke. But I get what you are saying. I don’t find drunk people funny bc if my background. It probably is a joke that should die. 

[Melissa Louise]

14 minutes ago, SKL said:

The fact that the website informs each person who were the most recent visitors to their profile is a bit creepy IMO.

Yeah, I honestly don't understand the point of that. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

Endlessly. And it's so embarrassing. I never deliberately visit someone's profile, because why would you? But I land there often enough. 

Haha I wish there was a sticky we could leave that’s like hi! Just passing through! I always feel dumb.

[Bootsie]

7 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

This happens regularly with other things like OCD and other mental illnesses, heart attacks (I just had a heart attack reading the price of that dinner!), etc.   I have OCD.  I choose not to assign bad intent to people who make a joke that they have OCD because they like an organized home or whatever.    I also am one of those people who sees most everybody in a good light though, so there's that.  I'm idealistic.  

I agree with this.  Almost anything people say can be funny to some but not to others.  I do not hink it is simply that it is funny in some cultures and not others.  I would never say, for example, "Now I need to go beat my child" but some people say that thinking they are being lighthearted and funny.  I think it depends upon our own experiences whether we find something funny, simply a colorful way to phrase something, or painful.  My family and close friends know my experience and do not joke about stalking around me.  I do not expect others to stop using the term or joking about it.

I do have difficulty, however, understanding why people make a big deal of someone looking at what they have chosen to make public--whether they do it once, twice, or 100 times.  

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, freesia said:

I read this as different from what pinball is saying.  But maybe I misunderstood. Calling yourself a stalker isn’t the same to me as a racist joke. But I get what you are saying. I don’t find drunk people funny bc if my background. It probably is a joke that should die. 

I think it was SeaConquest who pulled me up on my colloquial use of 'crazy', and though I argued at the time, she was right. There are many terms that minimize we can choose to retire! I hadn't thought about the stalker thing before this thread, but I can see there are easy alternatives, so why not?!

[Melissa Louise]

2 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

Haha I wish there was a sticky we could leave that’s like hi! Just passing through! I always feel dumb.

So dumb...

[freesia]

Just now, pinball said:

I responded to people who replied to me…mostly restating what they had written to be sure I understood.

That’s neither attacking nor being provocative…

 

Actually your tone was. You didn’t reflect back or engage with what they were saying. You just threw words like straw man or compared it to racist. You don’t have to agree with me and if your intent was to understand the answer to you question, I’m sorry. I just would expect more so what you are saying is...if you wanted to know why people think it’s finny. You don’t seem to, you just want to share that you don’t think it’s funny. That’s fine, but it’s not a discussion.