Divorce and death

[HomeAgain]

Thank you

Edited September 21, 2021 by HomeAgain

[scholastica]

I’m sorry this is happening. Ripping scabs off old wounds is rough. I hope you get help  processing all you’ve been through. Also, same for your mom. Living a life steeped in bitterness is toxic to the person living it and drives people out of their lives. It can only end unhappily.

[Arcadia]

My cousin dumped his first wife. It’s unlikely any of my relatives, including his ex-wife and kids, would attend his funeral if he dies. His late dad used to beat up his wife. When he died, his wife,  kids and grandkids attended the cremation ceremony because of decorum/tradition. 
I think my relatives are the kind who would be popping champagne behind closed doors and have closure. It would feel like good riddance to them. 
 

Maybe it would be better for your mom not to have attended his funeral if she is still bitter. I know many who can’t let go, including my in-laws and some of my relatives. They kept their mouth shut during funerals though. None are required to speak at funeral though. 

I hope you would get your own closure. Sorry for your loss. 

[OH_Homeschooler]

I'm sorry you are going through all this. It sucks for everyone.

Did your mom ever attend counseling after the divorce? Or more importantly, is there any chance she would consider going now? Even after a toxic relationship ends and you'd think there should be relief, there is still a sense of wanting more. Wanting the other person to apologize, for example--to acknowledge the deep hurt they caused. Now that your father has died, there is no chance of that ever happening. 

If you could explain to your mother that she is experiencing new grief over this loss of closure, and acknowledge that she is in pain, then from this perspective you can suggest she talk to a grief counselor or other therapist. After all, you are dealing with your own feelings now and would love to support her, but you do not have that emotional capacity at the moment.

Just to give you my personal background-I was divorced a couple years ago from a man who did very bad things. At every turn since the divorce I would think, this event or that is what will bring relief.  I expected to hear from him and his family-an apology for supporting him and turning their backs on us when his crimes went public, then when he was arrested, then when he was convicted. I've since realized that will not happen. He will continue to live in his delusion that he didn't do anything "that bad," despite going to prison, and his family will believe the lies he feeds them. So, I need to make peace with his continued existence outside of prison, because I'm only hurting myself by expecting him and his family to become decent people. I went through some counseling when I first learned about his crimes, but I've gone back recently because I don't feel like I've made the progress I'd hoped by this point. And the counseling is helping to change my perspective. I'm not being to told to forgive and forget. I'm being told my anger is legit and finding ways to deal with it.   

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

My grandmother is the same way.  They divorced almost 40 years ago for Pete’s sake. The woman he left her for and married died suddenly and unexpectedly in her 50s.  He’s been dead two years now. Just let them both Rest In Peace and move on.

But she’s very elderly and never will.  He had a happy second marriage despite the circumstances of how it began, and even though she also remarried and claimed to be happy, she’s never gotten over any of it(especially how happy he was in his second marriage. Truly, I know there was an affair, but my step grandmother was a lovely woman).   It’s a lost cause at this point. But it’s so freaking draining to constantly hear it rehashed.  

[Katy]

@Mrs Tiggywinkle Please delete that quote.

OP I'm so sorry.  That's so frustrating.

[HomeAgain]

11 hours ago, OH_Homeschooler said:

I'm sorry you are going through all this. It sucks for everyone.

Did your mom ever attend counseling after the divorce? Or more importantly, is there any chance she would consider going now? Even after a toxic relationship ends and you'd think there should be relief, there is still a sense of wanting more. Wanting the other person to apologize, for example--to acknowledge the deep hurt they caused. Now that your father has died, there is no chance of that ever happening. 

If you could explain to your mother that she is experiencing new grief over this loss of closure, and acknowledge that she is in pain, then from this perspective you can suggest she talk to a grief counselor or other therapist. After all, you are dealing with your own feelings now and would love to support her, but you do not have that emotional capacity at the moment.

 

No, she didn't.

To be honest, my mom was the toxic one.  I've spoken briefly about her in the past: she and I have no relationship because I don't want one.  It is not for her lack of trying to be in my life.  It is everything to do with her actions in my life.  The most peaceful I ever felt was when I was completely unreachable in the middle of an ocean, with no address or phone number.

It's not that I don't understand why she is the way she is, but yes, she should have had counseling and the same goes for the sister I have with the same attributes and manners of dealing with life.  Every slight, real or not, stays with them for centuries.  They are manipulative and so focused on being "right" that they will go to lengths to make someone else wrong or insert themselves where they don't belong.  It.is.exhausting.

My dad was not a bad person.  They were just two very different people who grew very far apart because of life choices. It was evident about 10 years into their marriage and they stayed "together" with him traveling all the time for another 10 or so.  They had different ideals from the onset and probably never should have been together, because those ideals became lifestyles, with each throwing themselves in a different direction.

[HomeAgain]

Thank you all.  This is a touchy subject for me to deal with people who know who I am, because really only dh and a sibling know the details of my life and really get it. 

[Laura Corin]

Just adding sympathy. Dealing with my mother's bitterness over her divorce decades previously plus my father's funeral was horrendous. She even started referring to herself as a widow for a while.

[OH_Homeschooler]

4 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

To be honest, my mom was the toxic one.  I've spoken briefly about her in the past: she and I have no relationship because I don't want one.  It is not for her lack of trying to be in my life.  It is everything to do with her actions in my life.  The most peaceful I ever felt was when I was completely unreachable in the middle of an ocean, with no address or phone number.

Oh, right. 😞 Yeah, it doesn't sound like she would benefit from counseling because she's unwilling to admit she is the problem.  I hope you find a way to keep her away so you can grieve in peace.