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The Current State of Middle School (and other) Boys


carriede
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39 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

I will also add though, I have the luxury of a husband who doesn’t game at all. 
 

i know several women who get frustrated because their husbands “unwind” by checking out on a game while mom makes dinner as opposed to conversation or playing with the kids. 
 

If I can help my future daughters in laws and grandkids to have an active, involved, engaged dad/husband, I’m on board. 

DH said one reason he fell in love with me was because how countercultural my family was about video games. That said, most of the people I knew in college who failed out (and I went to a college that was happy to fail people out), failed out due to video game addiction. 

We've never said "No" to video games. Instead, we've built a family culture around production instead of consumption. My kids are too busy for video games. They know they could buy video games if they wanted, but no one has (yet). They also think kids who spend too much time on phones are "boring," to quote DS16 from two days ago.

Emily

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I met my husband playing a video game, lol. We've been together 15 years, so I can't say that video games necessarily lead to immaturity or bad outcomes. 😄 

Your husband should spend some time with typical middle school boys.  They're super into video games, but like Katie said, the games aren't really anything you want your middle school sons playing, (Call of Duty, Grand Theft Auto, etc).  Even if you ban those particular games from your house, the kids still get exposed to that material in school; it's what the other boys are talking about, they've all got phones, they share screen shots, youtube videos, etc. If they don't play those games, they get teased.

We ran into this a little bit in the local homeschool group, actually. A couple of the families let their tween boys play CoD and GTA, and the boys started teasing my son because we do not have those games in the house.  The dad in those families was into those types of games and encouraged the sons to play, too.  My DH isn't into those types of games at all, and has encouraged my son to play the sort of games we like: puzzle games, Dungeons & Dragons/fantasy type games, Mario games. 

Maybe your spouse could spend some time modeling the behaviors and hobbies he wants to see in your sons. If he thinks they need more good old-fashioned, wholesome boyhood activities like the days of yore 🙄, then he should start taking them to the batting cages, shooting baskets, help them build a tree house, etc. 

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2 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

Tim (#2 boy) bikes and bikes the local trail. He took apart pallets and built the little kids a play house. He’s learning car repair.

Just because kids will inevitably encounter something doesn’t mean we introduce them nor advocate it. Junk food is a prime example. We know if you eat junk, you crave more. We know junk food is unhealthy. We know they’ll eventually eat it. So what do we do? We develop healthy eating habits. We don’t foster a love for it. We teach the ramifications. 

Here’sa question, for those of you with kids and ADHD/extreme love of screens and an impulsive nature, did having screens teach them to self monitor? Or did YOU create the rules? The ways to monitor it? And do the kids, without reminding and prodding, become t total self monitored?

I excerpted your quote a bit. I hope you don't mind. I prefaced what I wrote earlier with the fact that we live in a large, urban environment without the access to large backyard spaces that many of you are fortunate to have. If my kids wanted to ride bikes on trails, I would have to drive them some place. Probably the closest place would be Mission Trails -- about 15-20 minutes away. There are bike lanes on our roads here, but it would be too dangerous for them to ride around our busy city streets, as the speed limits are 45 mph very near to our house. We have a park across the street that they play at, but no place that is their own to take apart pallets and build things. Mostly, they just kinda walk around the park and play pretend games that are generally based on wizards, dragons, D&D, Pokemon, Percy Jackson, or some video game. Car repair would require a structured class for which we would have to pay. Just some examples of the difference between big city life vs where you live, and more and more people are moving away from more rural areas (lack of jobs) and into cities. Perhaps, the pandemic will change that, but that has been the trajectory for years, and I think that is part of the reason that kids are turning more and more to screens. 

Re junk food. We also don't ban that. My kids can have ice cream, pizza, hot dogs, and Doritos, but they need to eat other things too because they know that those food are not healthy for their bodies. We talk about eating the rainbow and what makes a healthy diet, but I have never banned any food. 

Re other hobbies, I am definitely a boat widow. My husband is often gone on the weekends playing on his boats.

I used to game when I traveled a lot for work. I needed something to pass the time on long international flights and computer strategy games were perfect for that. But, I found them too addictive for my personality, so I had to stop. I do love them, but if I pick them up, I have a hard time walking away from them. We play a lot of board games in our home, which do not have the same effect on me.

I only have 2 boys and they are both very young, so I am always very interested in what more experienced parents do. I honestly struggle with parenting and feel clueless most of the time, so I hope you don't mind me asking questions. The boys do lots of other things -- my oldest especially, but they love gaming. My younger one seems to have the more addictive personality and struggles more with mood issues, so he is the one that I worry about more re self-regulation. 

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9 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

Have you thought of intentionally cultivating other interests and pruning video games?

She said they are limited to one hour per day, and that the oldest is very into Scouts and goes camping on the regular. Her siggy lists a sport for each of the other kids. It sounds like they do have other interests, but talking about gaming is something they really enjoy. 

3 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

I will also add though, I have the luxury of a husband who doesn’t game at all. 
 

i know several women who get frustrated because their husbands “unwind” by checking out on a game while mom makes dinner as opposed to conversation or playing with the kids. 
 

If I can help my future daughters in laws and grandkids to have an active, involved, engaged dad/husband, I’m on board. 

Don't blame somebody being a jerk on video games! They can be a jerk about something else just as easily. 

I know many gaming dads who are active, involved, and engaged. Because they're gamers, not jerks. 

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2 hours ago, katilac said:

She said they are limited to one hour per day, and that the oldest is very into Scouts and goes camping on the regular. Her siggy lists a sport for each of the other kids. It sounds like they do have other interests, but talking about gaming is something they really enjoy. 

Don't blame somebody being a jerk on video games! They can be a jerk about something else just as easily. 

I know many gaming dads who are active, involved, and engaged. Because they're gamers, not jerks. 

She also said her DH was concerned that they were “too obsessed and not maturing correctly.” I read this as WWYD in order to modify. My answer is one I stand by - cultivate other interests and prune the gaming. 
I’m glad you know a lot who have balance. I happen to know many don’t. And you’re right, gaming doesn’t make anyone a jerk. Drinking doesn’t either, but for some people who can’t contain impulsivity and addiction, either poses a serious problem... and those numbers aren’t minuscule in either category. 

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