Anyone else regret homeschooling?

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, Roadrunner said:

I will also say that if I didn’t have a stable (both emotional and financially) marriage, I would only have one type of mornings here. 
 

If I could do this gig differently, I would have tried to have some sort of part time employment over the years. 
Right now I want to enter a job market, but I am terrified to even try. 
 

Plus I would insist on living in a city so my children wouldn’t be so lonely and isolated. 
 

But if I were just starting out, I wouldn’t homeschool. I would make sure I had enough money to pay for a private school, the type that aligns with my vision of education. I know those schools exist. 

I think keeping up p/t employment is super sensible. 

I do remember looking at such a school, and thinking 'but it wouldn't make sense! I'd be working just to pay school fees!' I do wish, at times, someone wise had stepped in to say 'and that's ok, because working will give you options down the track!'

Ah, hindsight. 

I hope you find a way to dip your toe in to the job market - it's not so bad - it can just be a little boring if you're doing entry level stuff.  If finances aren't an existential worry, you probably have more scope to look for something you might enjoy. 

[Lecka]

Blessed mama — my husband and I both had financial instability in our childhoods, and were very drawn to the military for his employment.  You can’t be laid off!  Both of us placed a very high value on this and found it to provide great stability.

But our siblings do not have this in common with us.  It is just us, lol.  

[Janeway]

29 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Great for you.

When you are a middle aged single woman needing to earn $ to keep a roof over your head, you suddenly realize the value of money. 

Not everything is about you. 

[Melissa Louise]

5 minutes ago, Janeway said:

Not everything is about you. 

No, but not everyone can smugly take the moral  high road. 

[Janeway]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

No, but not everyone can smugly take the moral  high road. 

You seem to be. You are angry that anyone might not be having your struggles. You are the one making moral judgements of others, not me. 

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, Janeway said:

You seem to be. You are angry that anyone might not be having your struggles. You are the one making moral judgements of others, not me. 

Please quit posting on my thread. 

[Arcadia]

5 minutes ago, Lecka said:

Blessed mama — my husband and I both had financial instability in our childhoods, and were very drawn to the military for his employment.  You can’t be laid off!   

My SIL was laid off from the air force where I am from. She doesn’t get any pension and there are no veterans benefits. Her husband is a tenured community college lecturer and so far the risk of retrenchment isn’t high. US does have better safety nets than where I am from. One of my nephews is an air force mechanic (not US) and his wife works. He was stationed at the air base in Arizona twice and his benefits are lower than what the US military has. 

[Janeway]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

Please quit posting on my thread. 

Why are you on a homeschool board, talking about regretting homeschooling, and then getting all angry and judgey when someone else is not feeling the same why? And you do not own this thread or any other thread. SWB does.

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, Janeway said:

Why are you on a homeschool board, talking about regretting homeschooling, and then getting all angry and judgey when someone else is not feeling the same why? And you do not own this thread or any other thread. SWB does.

Ok. Onto the block list you go.

If you find realism about some people's long term experience of homeschooling makes you this defensive, probably good for your own mental health to stay away from it.

I won't see what you post from now on. 

[Murphy101]

6 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

I can't tell you how profoundly unhelpful I find scolding to be. 

I didn’t think she was scolding at all. 

Fact is we can play the “What If” game forever and it’s mostly an unhelpful form of self-torture.

Because for all we know things could have ended up even worse if we had done things differently.

Maybe a lot of things both good and bad would have happened. No one can guarantee that you’d have been better off financially either.  As the saying goes, don’t ever challenge that things can’t get worse.  I know plenty of childless couples worse off at my age than me.   The majority of people do use brick and mortar schools and continue working and yet for the most part I’m not seeing most of them having some huge different more positive life result from me and I see plenty of sad tales. 

So by all means I’d advise all my kids on the things I think I could have done better in hindsight. But I did the best with what I knew at the time, same as I’m doing now. At the end of the day, that’s all anyone can manage.

Edited September 22, 2021 by Murphy101

[Janeway]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

Ok. Onto the block list you go.

If you find realism about some people's long term experience of homeschooling makes you this defensive, probably good for your own mental health to stay away from it.

I won't see what you post from now on. 

Good, I am glad. Because you are the one who attacked me, just because I said I had to give up my career for my marriage. And then on the heels of my dad's death, I am okay with giving up income to have more time with my family..that put you in to a huge hissy fit about how terrible I am and to complete attack me and tear me down. You have no right to treat people how you treat them.

[Guest]

19 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

I think keeping up p/t employment is super sensible. 

I do remember looking at such a school, and thinking 'but it wouldn't make sense! I'd be working just to pay school fees!' I do wish, at times, someone wise had stepped in to say 'and that's ok, because working will give you options down the track!'

Ah, hindsight. 

I hope you find a way to dip your toe in to the job market - it's not so bad - it can just be a little boring if you're doing entry level stuff.  If finances aren't an existential worry, you probably have more scope to look for something you might enjoy. 

It’s like we have the same brain…

In my case, I thought the PT work I did for dh *was* staying relevant to the job market, but I was very naive about how *others* would view that. And my earning potential did not increase over those twenty years working for the family gig. I did not think I would ever care, or that it would ever matter, but it does. My dh made plenty of money so I didn’t care; I was frugal anyway and not attached to spendy symbols. I am not single, so that is a difference, but it’s much more depressing than I used to think to realize I could barely make it if only my income were depended on. 

[fairfarmhand]

4 minutes ago, Quill said:

It’s like we have the same brain…

In my case, I thought the PT work I did for dh *was* staying relevant to the job market, but I was very naive about how *others* would view that. And my earning potential did not increase over those twenty years working for the family gig. I did not think I would ever care, or that it would ever matter, but it does. My dh made plenty of money so I didn’t care; I was frugal anyway and not attached to spendy symbols. I am not single, so that is a difference, but it’s much more depressing than I used to think to realize I could barely make it if only my income were depended on. 

YES! My biggest fear isn't so much that my dh would pass away. It's that if he were to become profoundly disabled in the next 10-15 years (he's 45 years old), we'd be financially in a horrible spot. 

Yes, he has disability. Yes, we have retirement accounts, Yes, we have assets and a home in which we have equity, though we're still paying on a mortgage.

But it would be impossible to match his level of income with me working, much less figuring out how to pay for his care. Just finding a job that I could do with benefits would be tricky, with my level of education and skills. 

I don't wish to have missed out on the years with my kids.  I wish that I'd somehow figured out how to make my education work during those years so I'd have a fallback plan. 

Divorce would be rough for me as well. Since the cost of real estate has skyrocketed, finding a home to buy/rent in an area near where my kids are would be difficult. And that would be with my using half of the equity in our house. (Community property state here, I think) 

I've worked part time for years. I am not in a position to need to look for work yet, since my kids are still so young. I have no idea what the job market looks like for people in my position. I see ladies in their 60s at the grocery store checking out groceries.. They look so tired. I wonder what their story is. 

[Melissa Louise]

9 minutes ago, Quill said:

It’s like we have the same brain…

In my case, I thought the PT work I did for dh *was* staying relevant to the job market, but I was very naive about how *others* would view that. And my earning potential did not increase over those twenty years working for the family gig. I did not think I would ever care, or that it would ever matter, but it does. My dh made plenty of money so I didn’t care; I was frugal anyway and not attached to spendy symbols. I am not single, so that is a difference, but it’s much more depressing than I used to think to realize I could barely make it if only my income were depended on. 

Do you think if 2021 Quill somehow went back in time and provided younger Quill advice, you'd have taken it? 

I was very bullish when younger. Barely entertained a doubt once I'd decided on a 'right' path. I wonder if I would have listened to a wise mentor. 

[teachermom2834]

I remember thinking, so pridefully, how silly women were for working when they had kids in daycare. The daycare costs/ getting takeout/work clothing/commuting costs/ stress/etc. They were hardly bringing home anything! Why not just stay home? 🤦‍♀️
 

Needless to say, I get it now. But like Melissa Louise asked, would I have listened to someone who laid out for me the error of my thinking? I was 23 and thought I knew it all. I didn’t see that someday I would be middle aged and not know nearly as much! 
 

[Janeway]

24 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

I didn’t think she was scolding at all. 

Fact is we can play the “What If” came forever and it’s mostly an unhelpful form of self-torture.

Because for all we know things could have ended up even worse if we had done things differently.

Maybe a lot of things both good and bad would have happened. No one can guarantee that you’d have been better off financially either.  As the saying goes, don’t ever challenge that things can’t get worse.  I know plenty of childless couples worse off at my age than me.   The majority of people do use brick and mortar schools and continue working and yet for the most part I’m not seeing most of them having some huge different more positive life result from me and I see plenty of sad tales. 

So by all means I’d advise all my kids on the things I think I could have done better in hindsight. But I did the best with what I knew at the time, same as I’m doing now. At the end of the day, that’s all anyone can manage.

I had posted first that I had to give up my career to save my marriage, and then I posted that it was okay that I gave up income to spend more time with my family, and this is on the heels of my dad dying.  I was just musing that it was ok in the end. I loved my career and resented the loss of it for a long time. I sometimes look to others who can freely do so much, spend money, buy things, travel, etc, and feel jealous and think if only I had my income too, not to mention the freedom I used to have and the identity people have in their careers. In the end, at this point in time (I might feel different tomorrow), I am okay with it. 

[sheryl]

Yes, ditto!  I probably still would have homeschooled but put dd in to traditional school classes a la carte more than I did.  

[Melissa Louise]

11 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

I remember thinking, so pridefully, how silly women were for working when they had kids in daycare. The daycare costs/ getting takeout/work clothing/commuting costs/ stress/etc. They were hardly bringing home anything! Why not just stay home? 🤦‍♀️
 

Needless to say, I get it now. But like Melissa Louise asked, would I have listened to someone who laid out for me the error of my thinking? I was 23 and thought I knew it all. I didn’t see that someday I would be middle aged and not know nearly as much! 
 

The confidence of youth is a powerful thing! 

[StephanieZ]

I totally understand your feelings. I am still processing my feelings about homeschooling. And parenting in general, actually. My husband and I made our (now grown) kids the center of our universe, leaving only enough room for each other, earning a living, and other core family relationships (mainly just my parents and brother.) I totally understand your “small world” phrase.

My youngest headed to college last month, but we’ve been empty nesting since November when she moved in with her big sister because she (all three of them) had very different ideas about covid safety than their dad and I did. That (sudden) move was really upsetting to me, but the kids anger and refusal to even isolate briefly to allow for a visit over Christmas pretty much broke me. I had a very, very dark winter. I am still processing, but realizing how little regard my kids actually have for me (their dad, too, but aimed at me) has definitely made me reconsider the wisdom of homeschooling and of allowing my world to be so small. It’s very strange to feel this way because I really ADORED being a mom to littles and I was totally confident in our choices and our priorities. 

I have a graduate degree. I’m smart and hard working. I could have had an interesting, useful career to throw myself into after the kids left home, but I don’t. We own a business that is very lucrative, and I had a big hand in making that happen. I could go back to work at our business, but I have stayed out of it for the last 8 years or so besides occasional “big picture” issues that our office manager can’t handle and that I’m particularly skilled in handling, and going back to that regular hours isn’t something that would be good for my (excellent) marriage, so that’s not a good option. We don’t need the money of me working, don’t want my availability to limit our ability to maximize time together, and frankly, I’ve been highly competent at the things I do and the boss of all I survey for way too long to go into a new field where I’d be less skilled and not in control. The thought of going back in school is horrifying. And any money I could earn would be insignificant in our situation. 
 
So what do I do? What is my purpose? My folks are both long gone. I’m a good wife, sister and friend. I do formal volunteer work but mostly lots of informal do-good stuff helping who I can how I can. I’ve painted and redecorated all the empty bedrooms. I’ve expanded vegetable and flower gardens. I’ve started woodworking and restoring furniture for our oldest’s home.

I regularly help the same daughter with farm/land/home projects at her property nearby us. I spend time with our kids as much as they are willing.

But it all feels questionably important. I had a full scale breakdown over the winter, and now rely on an antidepressant to feel ok. All this confusion and grieving, while I’m admittedly incredibly blessed in my marriage, my friends, and our finances and home. Would I feel more purposeful and happier if I hadn’t allowed motherhood to be nearly my entire identity? If my entire identity wasn’t wrapped up in being the perfect mother, would their rejection/disapproval/disregard be less shattering? Probably. Maybe not. 

But, I do feel that I will no longer encourage my girls to do what I did. I know I was an excellent educator and my kids got a better education from me than they could have gotten in any available school. Each of them actually says they want their own kids to be homeschooled and are glad they were. But I now hope they each have a real career and don’t lose it to make their kids their entire identity. My ideal might be each parent working PT hours, as I now really recognize the price I am paying now for my choices to so dramatically prioritize my children. 

I  enjoyed the first decade or so immensely, but teen years were brutal with some of my kids, and it isn’t yet a picnic. I think we would have better relationships — that my kids would LIKE me more — if I had been the sympathetic ear and cookie baking mom vs the school task master. Maybe not, but that’s what I wonder about.

I hadn’t visited this forum in months, and I think I was led here today to see your post. You aren’t alone. (((Hugs)))

Edited September 21, 2021 by StephanieZ

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Melissa Louise said:

Do you think if 2021 Quill somehow went back in time and provided younger Quill advice, you'd have taken it? 

I was very bullish when younger. Barely entertained a doubt once I'd decided on a 'right' path. I wonder if I would have listened to a wise mentor. 

I honestly don’t know. I was bullish, too, so maybe not. But if I were literally able to talk to 2021 Quill back in 2003, I might think she (I) had a point. 
 

I do wish I hadn’t ever listen to Dr. Laura. 

[Melissa Louise]

@StephanieZ

Sounds like you have had a really rough time of it. I hope family dynamics get smoother over time. Hugs. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that we should all give ourselves the same grace that we would give a good friend.

It’s completely valid to say, “I did the best I could with the information I had available at the time.”  

That’s what we would tell our friends, right?   If they started bashing themselves?  We’d say, “Hey, you’ve been awesome in educating your kids, and it’s society that’s separating them from you now—which is awful but it doesn’t mean that you should have done something else.  You did the best you could with the information you had at the time, and that best was darned great!  Let’s go visit the nearest trees for a nice long walk tomorrow.”

[Melissa Louise]

6 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I think that we should all give ourselves the same grace that we would give a good friend.

It’s completely valid to say, “I did the best I could with the information I had available at the time.”  

That’s what we would tell our friends, right?   If they started bashing themselves?  We’d say, “Hey, you’ve been awesome in educating your kids, and it’s society that’s separating them from you now—which is awful but it doesn’t mean that you should have done something else.  You did the best you could with the information you had at the time, and that best was darned great!  Let’s go visit the nearest trees for a nice long walk tomorrow.”

I am super lucky to have had access to some beautiful places to walk in nature while I've been in lockdown for the last three months!

Excellent advice, and I'll take it. 

[Melissa Louise]

This is one of my happy walking routes. 

[Not_a_Number]

Well, this thread is making me feel better about the fact that it's looking kind of likely I'll have to send DD9 to school 😞

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, Not_a_Number said:

Well, this thread is making me feel better about the fact that it's looking kind of likely I'll have to send DD9 to school 😞

I hope whatever you have to do will end up being ok. Having had one in school, I know that option isn't always a picnic either. 

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

I hope whatever you have to do will end up being ok. Having had one in school, I know that option isn't always a picnic either. 

Noooo. Don't tell me about how that's not a picnic either, lol. 

I've had DD9 in kindergarten before, and it was... fine. She didn't like it much and she wasn't challenged at all, and that's why we pulled her out. But she's been giving me ridiculous amounts of attitude for more than a year now, and things have been really tense as a result (and I've definitely yelled her much more than I'm comfortable with), and I kind of want this to be someone else's problem now. I'm tired. 

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, Not_a_Number said:

Noooo. Don't tell me about how that's not a picnic either, lol. 

I've had DD9 in kindergarten before, and it was... fine. She didn't like it much and she wasn't challenged at all, and that's why we pulled her out. But she's been giving me ridiculous amounts of attitude for more than a year now, and things have been really tense as a result (and I've definitely yelled her much more than I'm comfortable with), and I kind of want this to be someone else's problem now. I'm tired. 

I did very much appreciate dd2 being someone else's problem. School was good for her and good for us. She had some great mentors and it set her up for success at University. She's just been nominated for a scholarship to have her Honours thesis extended and published in book form, and school/school mentors were a huge part of that. 

 

[Not_a_Number]

2 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

I did very much appreciate dd2 being someone else's problem. School was good for her and good for us. She had some great mentors and it set her up for success at University. She's just been nominated for a scholarship to have her Honours thesis extended and published in book form, and school/school mentors were a huge part of that. 

There we go. That's much better 😛 . That's what I want to hear 😛 . 

Honestly, I love homeschooling her. I just can't do it anymore unless she shapes up, and I'm sick of asking her to shape up. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have noticed that friends (and people in general) who have their kids in public school don't take responsibility for their kids attitudes and /or feelings on going to public school.  But I know lots of homeschoolers (including me) who struggle with feeling responsible for their kids attitudes and /or feelings on homeschooling. 

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I have noticed that friends (and people in general) who have their kids in public school don't take responsibility for their kids attitudes and /or feelings on going to public school.  But I know lots of homeschoolers (including me) who struggle with feeling responsible for their kids attitudes and /or feelings on homeschooling. 

I don't feel responsible for my kid's attitude. I just can't deal with it anymore 😛 . 

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, Not_a_Number said:

There we go. That's much better 😛 . That's what I want to hear 😛 . 

Honestly, I love homeschooling her. I just can't do it anymore unless she shapes up, and I'm sick of asking her to shape up. 

Glad to be of service!

Sometimes the relationship cost just isn't worth it. This was the kid who desperately wanted to learn to read, but was so mad she couldn't already do it, that she wouldn't let me teach her for a full year. And when she finally deigned to allow it, we had to do it through writing books, lol. Which she then used to 'teach herself'. 

It truly was a relief to 'just' be dd's mum, and to see her develop those great teacher-student relationships. 

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

Glad to be of service!

Sometimes the relationship cost just isn't worth it. This was the kid who desperately wanted to learn to read, but was so mad she couldn't already do it, that she wouldn't let me teach her for a full year. And when she finally deigned to allow it, we had to do it through writing books, lol. Which she then used to 'teach herself'. 

It truly was a relief to 'just' be dd's mum, and to see her develop those great teacher-student relationships. 

This is my DD who, when given her work to fix, would give me back the exact same work, with an extremely minor alternation, hoping I wouldn't notice 🙄. 

[lewelma]

I have a teacher friend who always said that "school is for the average kid." This is one of the reasons that I have never regretted schooling, because neither of my kids are average. My older is both incredibly motivated and profoundly gifted, and my younger is 2E. If I had to choose which one was more important to homeschool, I would say my younger. Twice exceptional just does NOT work in schools. I know for a fact that he would have dropped out as soon as he could have if he had been in school. And he would have thought he was stupid, and routed into a basic and ultimately unsatisfying career. I have saved him from this fate. But I do think my older would have found his way. He would have hated school, really despised it, but I still think he would have found his way to becoming a scientist.

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, lewelma said:

He would have hated school, really despised it, but I still think he would have found his way to becoming a scientist.

I expect he'd have pulled the kind of stuff I did and just did math in other classes 😛 . (And physics and whatnot. You know what I mean. Whatever he was passionate about.) 

Edited September 21, 2021 by Not_a_Number

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, lewelma said:

I have a teacher friend who always said that "school is for the average kid." This is one of the reasons that I have never regretted schooling, because neither of my kids are average. My older is both incredibly motivated and profoundly gifted, and my younger is 2E. If I had to choose which one was more important to homeschool, I would say my younger. Twice exceptional just does NOT work in schools. I know for a fact that he would have dropped out as soon as he could have if he had been in school. And he would have thought he was stupid, and routed into a basic and ultimately unsatisfying career. I have saved him from this fate. But I do think my older would have found his way. He would have hated school, really despised it, but I still think he would have found his way to becoming a scientist.

I do think there's truth in this. 

Schools are also often good for kids like my DD - bright, academic, gregarious, socially skilled. 

[Melissa Louise]

3 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

This is my DD who, when given her work to fix, would give me back the exact same work, with an extremely minor alternation, hoping I wouldn't notice 🙄. 

I am pretty sure anything DD learned from homeschooling K-6 was despite herself.

I have some homeschooled tutoring students who will work with me but not for the parent. It's not an uncommon dynamic. 

 

 

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

I am pretty sure anything DD learned from homeschooling K-6 was despite herself.

I have some homeschooled tutoring students who will work with me but not for the parent. It's not an uncommon dynamic. 

I tutor, too. You think I don't know?? 😛 Half the parents I talk to tell me that they can teach the material themselves but don't want to. 

[Lecka]

My mom was also a teacher and said school was the best fit for the middle 80%.  

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Lecka said:

My mom was also a teacher and said school was the best fit for the middle 80%.  

DD9 isn't in that group. But such is life. 

[Melissa Louise]

1 minute ago, Lecka said:

My mom was also a teacher and said school was the best fit for the middle 80%.  

You do see both ends get neglected. Not maliciously, but just because teachers don't actually have superpowers. 

[Melissa Louise]

1 minute ago, Not_a_Number said:

DD9 isn't in that group. But such is life. 

I know tippy top IQ kids thriving in selective schools.

I've known one kid, who was probably the most gifted kid in AU or close to, who simply could not tolerate either school or homeschool. I lost track of that family - but his giftedness almost reached the level of a disability. The last time I spoke to the mum, the focus was on keeping him alive 🙁 I think this is unusual, even for the top 1%.

Extreme giftedness really creates some extra challenges re schooling, and I hope whatever options you have open to you in the future can meet dd's needs, and yours too. 

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

I know tippy top IQ kids thriving in selective schools.

I'm sure we can find her a school she likes. It's just that I am a good teacher and she likes me teaching her. So I'm sad about it. 

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, Not_a_Number said:

I'm sure we can find her a school she likes. It's just that I am a good teacher and she likes me teaching her. So I'm sad about it. 

I'm sorry 🙁

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

I'm sorry 🙁

It's a stupid situation. She loves being homeschooled. I like making her the daily work and teaching her. She won't put in the modicum of effort that makes it bearable for me. (Like, that thing where I handed back the work and she wouldn't fix it? She did it 6 times. Over the course of 2 hours. And that wasn't an aberration.) 

Edited September 22, 2021 by Not_a_Number

[Jean in Newcastle]

6 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

I know tippy top IQ kids thriving in selective schools.

I've known one kid, who was probably the most gifted kid in AU or close to, who simply could not tolerate either school or homeschool. I lost track of that family - but his giftedness almost reached the level of a disability. The last time I spoke to the mum, the focus was on keeping him alive 🙁 I think this is unusual, even for the top 1%.

Extreme giftedness really creates some extra challenges re schooling, and I hope whatever options you have open to you in the future can meet dd's needs, and yours too. 

I used to teach those kids in one of those schools.  Even with "alternative approaches" (very different than what would be used in a regular classroom) we still had a range of kids - some who did better in the setting than others. 

[Ausmumof3]

The other side to this of course is there’s women out there who do regret not having more time with family etc because they didn’t have that option.  If only we didn’t need to sleep so we could do both.

My DH is now doing shift work and irregular hours now and it’s given me the opportunity to work.  I’m kind of enjoying it but then there’s other stuff I feel like I’m missing.  I realised the other day for the first time since living here I completely missed the orchids flowering season because we didn’t get time for bush walks this term.  I don’t have time for read-alouds.  I don’t get to do all the kids sports. These things don’t probably get external recognition but for me they provide a pretty deep satisfaction. And another part of me wished I’d figured out how to do this earlier.

Also, as a related thing, I see a lot of men in their 30s and early 40s very discontent and looking for a career change as well even when they’ve been quite successful.  Maybe women hit that a bit later due to the child raising going on in earlier years.  Or maybe it’s the way the world of work is become increasingly unrewarding for a lot of people - demanding more hours for less return.  Becoming more specialised with less variety.  I don’t know.  Just musings I guess.

[Melissa Louise]

15 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

The other side to this of course is there’s women out there who do regret not having more time with family etc because they didn’t have that option.  If only we didn’t need to sleep so we could do both.

My DH is now doing shift work and irregular hours now and it’s given me the opportunity to work.  I’m kind of enjoying it but then there’s other stuff I feel like I’m missing.  I realised the other day for the first time since living here I completely missed the orchids flowering season because we didn’t get time for bush walks this term.  I don’t have time for read-alouds.  I don’t get to do all the kids sports. These things don’t probably get external recognition but for me they provide a pretty deep satisfaction. And another part of me wished I’d figured out how to do this earlier.

Also, as a related thing, I see a lot of men in their 30s and early 40s very discontent and looking for a career change as well even when they’ve been quite successful.  Maybe women hit that a bit later due to the child raising going on in earlier years.  Or maybe it’s the way the world of work is become increasingly unrewarding for a lot of people - demanding more hours for less return.  Becoming more specialised with less variety.  I don’t know.  Just musings I guess.

This thread has helped me realise one of the reasons regret comes to the fore is feeling unable to share those good memories of being snuggled up for read alouds, bush walks, storytelling etc.

Because the kids are just, like, huh? Just reading about them, like in your post, makes me feel better! 

 

[Terabith]

45 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I'm sure we can find her a school she likes. It's just that I am a good teacher and she likes me teaching her. So I'm sad about it. 

For what it's worth, while there is no question my kids got, by far, their best education when I homeschooled them, sending them to school was unquestionably the right decision for our RELATIONSHIP.  

I think it also helped some with general executive functioning, but I'm not all that sure that that wouldn't have come with age anyway.  

[Arcadia]

15 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Also, as a related thing, I see a lot of men in their 30s and early 40s very discontent and looking for a career change as well even when they’ve been quite successful.  Maybe women hit that a bit later due to the child raising going on in earlier years.  Or maybe it’s the way the world of work is become increasingly unrewarding for a lot of people - demanding more hours for less return.  Becoming more specialised with less variety.  I don’t know.  Just musings I guess.

There is also the factor that it is easier to find a job if you are currently employed. My husband’s colleagues and ex-colleagues often job hop but they (including ladies) are able to land interviews and change jobs. A friend’s wife in her early 40s has not worked for years and she is having a hard time entering the workforce as someone who just completed her BSc CompSci. I was looking at job listings last week and many said required bachelors and preferred masters. 
My husband is relatively content with his job but he has long maxed out on pay. So the only way to get a pay raise would be to get another job. With inflation these few years and with kids going to college soon, he is really more invested in job bonuses than when our kids were little kids.