Jump to content

Menu

Teen JAWM


Quill
 Share

Recommended Posts

4 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

I have a TEN YEAR OLD (going on 11) who is starting with this crap. I’m sure it’s mostly from watching older siblings. I don’t know if this means it’ll be over sooner or just last seemingly forever. For right now, at least I still have a little bit of bribery power. Not that *I’ve ever outgrown shutting up for cookies, but people rarely try, lol.

 

Happening here too.  I hate having a bunch of kids because the younger ones start acting older  in bad behavior by watching their siblings.  And I was prepared for the teen years to be hard, but I wasn't prepared for the tween years to be just as challenging.  Sigh.   I think we are going to be in this stage for at least another 15 more years.   I am going to be fully gray by the end of it. 

I think the Outward bound or other service trips are a great idea.  Or any sort of volunteering.  I remember this age when I was young and I would reply to everything with "Whatever" and an eyeroll.  Oh how pleasant I was.   I think it is a rather classic time period in life.  Talk and talk.  They are really listening.  Try and find a service trip or job.  Listen.  I think a lot of people really want to just be heard when they are venting someone.  Take a break from your teen when you need it.   I would think your dh would be on board with Outward Bound.  Isn't he an outdoors guy?   Think of all the outdoor skills your teen would learn. 

I give my teens and tweens so much credit with what they have been putting up with the last almost 2 years.  Pandemic, social distancing, losing out on their sports and activities, not seeing their friends.  It has been tough.   They do have a lot to complain about.  Doesn't mean I want them to just rant and rave, but man I give them some extra space sometimes because of it.  

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

re long slow immensely wearisome slog to get to Theory of Mind

22 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I did find that actually engaging my teen with direct questions was more helpful than telling them how off track they were.

"Son, so how would you schedule the ACT?" 

"I'd schedule it for 9:30."

"So the other classes could miss their Algebra class? So, you only worry if YOUR algebra is the one that is interrupted?" 

"Umm...."

Asking questions helps the teens think things through from other viewpoints, eventually coming to realize that "Well, it can't be only about me all the time." 

Because that's what it can be. A self centeredness, lack of awareness that others have MANY other things to conside.r

 

But yes, annoying and exhausting.

LOL

 

To be fair to adolescents, eventually coming to realize that

Quote

well, it can't only be about me all the time

pretty much sums up the second task of their developmental stage.  [The first task being "differentiating from parents."]

Those two tasks are, literally, the WORK they need to get through in order to come out autonomous and productive and healthy on the other end of the stage.

Both of those young-adults' tasks are exhausting, and often irritating, to parents.  In earlier developmental stages, and also -- keep the faith-- later stages, it's more obvious that parents and kids are more or less on the same team.  Not so much adolescence.

 

 

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, Farrar said:

Mine knows everything about how the world really works. So at least yours is keeping it relegated to school.

Honestly, I've found that when I poke at my kid - like, when we argue about something - he's really fragile about it underneath. Like, we'll be having what I think is just a nice debate about a topic. And I'm disagreeing. Like, yeah, that's true but what about this and that. Okay, sure, but I see it differently because... And then suddenly in the midst of his really assured attitude he'll break down and be like, "why is everyone always piling on me!?!" and almost get a little weepy.

Basically, I have to remember that it's all a bit of a front.

Agree with this too.  Like all the complaining is a protective way to air things instead of showing more emotions about it.   Mine all do this and then we start talking and the tears flow and emotions come out.    Hmmm, maybe I do that too?

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

re "soft place to land"

15 minutes ago, pinball said:

I actually think telling anyone to shut up and stop complaining is detrimental and ugly

obvs, YMMV. LOL…along with everyone else agreeing you!

whatever happened to the WTM mantra of “wanting to be a soft place for my child to land”???

gone, gone, gone, I guess. Now, it’s “Hey, shut up! Stop complaing!”

Eh, I don't know how long you may have been on the WTM boards under a prior name.

I'm old enough to remember a whole lot of enthusiasm for "first time compliance, with a smile." Or else.

All right already, we heard you the first six times, kwitcherbellyaching  with a eyeroll tossed in for effect, is a whole lot softer a landing place than some of the pearls of wisdom that I've long seen endorsed (by some) on the boards.  YMMV obvs.

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 minutes ago, bibiche said:

At the risk of being detrimental and ugly….  
 

Sigh. Oh never mind. 

LOL…why change now?

3 minutes ago, Pam in CT said:

re "soft place to land"

Eh, I don't know how long you may have been on the WTM boards under a prior name.

I'm old enough to remember a whole lot of enthusiasm for "first time compliance, with a smile." Or else.

All right already, we heard you the first six times, kwitcherbellyaching  with a eyeroll tossed in for effect, is a whole lot softer a landing place than some of the pearls of wisdom that I've long seen endorsed (by some) on the boards.  YMMV obvs.

So Pam, you’re good with telling your child to shut up and stop complaining? that’s the issue here.

  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mine just went away to college. And it's amazing how much nicer conversations have gotten since. I don't know if it's being around mostly people who are a couple of years older, or if it's just that we only have one long conversation via video chat a week, and everything else is texting. It's definitely a plus that I hadn't expected about having a child go to college at 16-that we seem to have shortened this developmental phase.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 minutes ago, Pam in CT said:

All right already, we heard you the first six times, kwitcherbellyaching  with a eyeroll tossed in for effect, is a whole lot softer a landing place than some of the pearls of wisdom that I've long seen endorsed (by some) on the boards.  YMMV obvs.

Agreed. My PITA kids are allowed to be human and I’m allowed to be over it, lol. I don’t hold any of us to ridiculous standards. And they know I’ll go to jail or take a bullet for them even *while* they’re driving me up a wall.

  • Like 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't have helpful advise, but I can commiserate. My youngest definitely knows more about all things than I do. And she also has great disdain for us as parents. As a parent, and as a person, it's a very painful period. She's always been kind of like this, but it has amped up over the past year or so. I've been wondering if it will help our relationship when she moves out for college, but that's still three years away.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

25 minutes ago, bibiche said:

At the risk of being detrimental and ugly….  
 

Sigh. Oh never mind. 

I mean, she isn't wrong that telling someone to shut up and stop complaining isn't a healthy form of communication and can certainly be detrimental to the person hearing it. 

But I also think hyperbole isn't necessarily a term in everyone's vocabulary.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

55 minutes ago, pinball said:

I actually think telling anyone to shut up and stop complaining is detrimental and ugly

obvs, YMMV. LOL…along with everyone else agreeing you!

whatever happened to the WTM mantra of “wanting to be a soft place for my child to land”???

gone, gone, gone, I guess. Now, it’s “Hey, shut up! Stop complaing!”

There’s a soft place to fall & there’s enabling really poor behavior.  I want to teach my children to thrive in the real world.  Not to think they know more than people with graduate degrees and decades of experience.  Endless complaining serves no one.  If you can think of a better way to do things, great!  Research and present it properly, don’t just whine and complain when you never took the time to think through WHY this decision was made. 

  • Like 5
  • Thanks 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, mommyoffive said:

   I would think your dh would be on board with Outward Bound.  Isn't he an outdoors guy?   Think of all the outdoor skills your teen would learn. 

Yes, dh and ds are both very outdoorsy. Dh will think it is insanely expensive, though. I fully expect that objection. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 minutes ago, Quill said:

Yes, dh and ds are both very outdoorsy. Dh will think it is insanely expensive, though. I fully expect that objection. 

Maybe take a look at some of the teen volunteer programs that the Appalachian Mountain Club runs.  It's not (at all) the same thing as OB, but might check off some of the boxes.  One of my very active young cousins did a couple of those before working fulltime for a summer as "krew" (?) in one of the White Mountain Huts, and found the experience quite formative.  (She's a guide now for an operation in CO.)

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

39 minutes ago, Quill said:

Yes, dh and ds are both very outdoorsy. Dh will think it is insanely expensive, though. I fully expect that objection. 

To be fair, it is pretty expensive, lol. If the money is available, maybe consider sending dh and ds on an awesome outdoorsy trip together. Same outdoorsy stuff, same challenge, with bonus dad/son bonding! It could be an amazing trip for both of them. And you could go on your own type of trip, and everyone gets a bit of reset. 

 

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 hours ago, Quill said:

spend a month in Haiti

Hope this little quote is ok.  If not, let me know.  Oldest spent 2 weeks largely in orphanages as a young teen.  He came home with a much better outlook, unfortunately it only lasted a few years then he was back a grumbly know-it-all.  As an adult, he does see the whole picture and is a pleasant young man.

Youngest, who lived a couple of years in said orphanages is the hardest of ours.  And although she really needs a wake up call in that area, we would never do anything to make her feel guilty or that she should be thankful to no longer in that situation.   We do know too many families with the 'rescue' mentalities and do not think it is mentally healthy.   

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

re long slow immensely wearisome slog to get to Theory of Mind

LOL

 

To be fair to adolescents, eventually coming to realize that

pretty much sums up the second task of their developmental stage.  [The first task being "differentiating from parents."]

Those two tasks are, literally, the WORK they need to get through in order to come out autonomous and productive and healthy on the other end of the stage.

Both of those young-adults' tasks are exhausting, and often irritating, to parents.  In earlier developmental stages, and also -- keep the faith-- later stages, it's more obvious that parents and kids are more or less on the same team.  Not so much adolescence.

 

 

Yes, this. 

And sometimes I think the closer the relationship between child and mom, the more frustrating the child needs to be to differentiate. 

That's how it worked for us. Ds and I were very close and didn't have arguments ever. Then - bang! - he found the things that would push my buttons most, and we spent a good year being at odds to the point I did not recognize my sweet child at all.

And once I got to the point of realizing that was because he was growing up, and that Garden of Eden mom-child relationship was gone, and we renegotiated our positions in regard to each other, things got better. My good natured, kind boy is back, but it's different ( and developmentally, appropriately so). 

I see it all now as a success. We successfully navigated his need to differentiate. Talk about a rough ride, though. Sometimes I felt we were squaring off in the boxing ring. 

 

  • Like 4
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, mommyoffive said:

They have trips for adults and older teens.  Not sure how old your dd is.  I always wanted to do one of those trips when I was younger.

It would have been against her wishes as a minor (which is why I couldn’t bring myself to do it), and she still definitely wouldn’t do it voluntarily. Her therapist thought we should do it before she turned 18 as kind of a last ditch effort before we didn’t have the option. I still wonder what kind of impact that would have had. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had a similar attitude towards school all the way to college. Played the game enough to collect my bachelors and two postgraduates. At some point pragmatism kicks in. 
DS15 has also gone through that phase about school stuff. He is my vocal whiner. 
 

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, katilac said:

To be fair, it is pretty expensive, lol. If the money is available, maybe consider sending dh and ds on an awesome outdoorsy trip together. Same outdoorsy stuff, same challenge, with bonus dad/son bonding! It could be an amazing trip for both of them. And you could go on your own type of trip, and everyone gets a bit of reset. 

 

That is an idea that has merit. 
 

I had already thought we might take a ski trip (which we used to do every winter but not since covid) but if I plan it right, there could be things he has to do himself…I think that’s what’s appealing to me about the OB programs. I’m concerned that if me, dh or both of us are available, nothing will be any different. Hmmm. I must mull it over. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I get that it is super annoying. 

Is it OK to offer a different point of view? Sometimes the teens are actually right and see something for what it is. You say it's mostly about school - which is indeed full of ridiculous, stupid rules and policies and regulations. Being subjected to a school environment where one has no agency and is surrounded by stupid crap is also aggravating. I remember myself as a teen,  and some of the disdain and attitude was simply seeing clearly something the adults had tacitly accepted as status quo.

The challenging of authority and the constant questioning of everything are annoying, but I think they are important steps in developing critical thinking. Maybe this helps  a bit to tolerate it better?

He will grow out of it.

Edited by regentrude
  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 9/17/2021 at 7:12 PM, regentrude said:

I get that it is super annoying. 

Is it OK to offer a different point of view? Sometimes the teens are actually right and see something for what it is. You say it's mostly about school - which is indeed full of ridiculous, stupid rules and policies and regulations. Being subjected to a school environment where one has no agency and is surrounded by stupid crap is also aggravating. I remember myself as a teen,  and some of the disdain and attitude was simply seeing clearly something the adults had tacitly accepted as status quo.

The challenging of authority and the constant questioning of everything are annoying, but I think they are important steps in developing critical thinking. Maybe this helps  a bit to tolerate it better?

He will grow out of it.


(I can see where @Farrars view that it is worries and fragility driving this could apply here…) . 
 

I think it’s like @BlsdMamasaid upthread: I think the learning that you don’t know it all hurts when life bitch-slaps you. And I just would rather he comes to his senses the “easy” way instead. 

 

Removed details

Edited by Quill
Removed details
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I mean, I actually agree with your son that it is ridiculous to test kids at the beginning of the school year, especially because of how crazy last year was. The messing with his schedule is a bit silly but sometimes when you already have to do stupid things, like take a meaningless test, you get on a roll of negativity. I think better coping mechanisms help with that. But also becoming an adult and having more control over saying no to stupid shit.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am in agreement with your son on the testing. It IS ridiculous and stupid. After the last school year, and right after summer,  what are they expecting? Total waste of time, and disrupting actual instruction for this circus would have me bitch, too. 

As for the masks: I am grateful we have the mask mandate, but I wish it weren't needed. I am so incredibly tired of it all. I can at least take mine off in my private office with door closed. As much as I am in favor of it as a public health measure, it does suck if you have to wear one all day. The teens had a major disruption of their lives, and it's not ending because adults are idiots, so I can totally see where he's coming from. Part of it is having no agency in any decisions,  and that's frustrating,  even for older people. 

 

Edited by regentrude
  • Like 4
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Quill changed the title to Teen JAWM

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...