Visiting son at college question

[lulubelle]

My dh insists that it is inappropriate for us to go in my ds’s dorm room. I think it’s not such a big deal. My ds does not seem to care. What do you all think?

[teachermom2834]

I think it is fine but I do think it is a little weird because if he also has a roommate then it is someone else’s space too. So I think it is normal to want to check out your kid’s room but also appropriate to be aware that it is someone else’s bedroom too. I have had three boys go to college and I have never hung around their rooms beyond just an initial look. I figured it was their space and honestly I was happy to meet them outside so I never had to fret about the condition of it. 🙂

So it is appropriate to visit your son’s room but personally I wouldn’t choose it as a place to hang out.

What I did think was inappropriate was a mom I knew at my first son’s college who went in monthly to clean up the entire suite. She would clean under all their beds and everything. I found that wildly inappropriate and an invasion of privacy.

My MIL used to want to spend the night in dh’s dorm room. He normally talked her out of it when roommate was there but one time she stayed when the roommate wasn’t there. I also vote that is inappropriate.

 

[mom2scouts]

I don't think a quick visit to his dorm room is inappropriate, but I wouldn't hang out too long, especially if he has a roommate.

[Kassia]

50 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

 

What I did think was inappropriate was a mom I knew at my first son’s college who went in monthly to clean up the entire suite. She would clean under all their beds and everything. I found that wildly inappropriate and an invasion of privacy.

My MIL used to want to spend the night in dh’s dorm room. 

 

Speechless...

I agree with you about the space and the respect/privacy issue for the roommate.  We never visited our kids in their dorm rooms after move in day and only in their apartments once they had their own rooms.  

ETA - I think just stopping in to pick up/drop off or whatever is fine as long as the time was good for the roommate (not sleeping or studying or whatever) but I definitely wouldn't stay in a shared room.  Two of my kids were lucky to have singles.  

 

Edited September 14, 2021 by Kassia

[Storygirl]

I don't see any problem with both DH and me entering my child's dorm room, as long as we are respectful of them and their roommates. This would be to pick them up, drop them off, bring them whatever from home, etc. If there is a place to sit in there, sitting and chatting for a few minutes would be fine, but I wouldn't plan to spend hours hanging out in the dorm room.

Depending on the circumstances, I would expect to go other places on campus with them, take them out to dinner, etc.

Last year, due to Covid, we did not visit DD on campus, other than to deliver or pick up dorm-room items once or twice during the school year. She had a car there, so when she came home, she would drive herself. This year, we may visit her more often, but we live just two hours away, so we don't need to stay overnight and can do day trips.

When I was a college student, my roommate dropped out toward the end of the year. She had gone home sick and never came back. Her mom and aunt (I think) came to pack up her things, and they just used her key and entered the room while I was sleeping and began to pack things up. Now, that was rude and weird.

But just a quick visit to the room is not rude or weird. If your child has a reason for you not to visit (concerns about Covid, roommate issues, not wanting to straighten up a messy room for parental viewing, etc.), I would honor that, of course. But generally, I think it's perfectly fine.

Edited September 14, 2021 by Storygirl

[Ailaena]

If your child invites you and says it’s fine then it’s fine.  I feel like arguing with him would be disrespectful and treating him like a child.

(having adult offspring is hard 😞)

Edited September 14, 2021 by Ailaena

[Loowit]

My DD was not comfortable with her grandparents coming into her dorm when they visited her a few weeks ago, so they just hung out on campus.  DH, DS, and I have all been in her room when we moved her in.  I don't think we would go in there now if we were to visit.  They are being strict with Covid safety stuff, so I don't think they want a bunch of extra people coming in and out.

However, I don't think it is weird or anything to stop by in your kid's dorm room as long as they and any potential roommates are comfortable with it.

[Harriet Vane]

Like others, it's no big deal to see the kid's room and say hi to the roommate. When dd was in school I might even sit on her futon with her and chat a while. She welcomed it, though we would normally spend most of a campus visit wandering campus or eating out. Ds has never been the type to *sit* and certainly not to chat a while, lol. Even if covid were not an issue, we always take a long walk to talk and catch up. His freshman year (pre-pandemic) we enjoyed at least one football game together. Last Easter, ds didn't have margin with his studies to leave campus for the family Easter celebration. I rented a tiny apartment on campus through AirBnb and brought the Easter feast to him. On that day we did take a long walk as usual and spent the rest of the time in the apartment eating and playing board games. 

[Shoeless]

If he invites you to his room to sit for awhile, then go. I'd assume he cleared it with his roommate, like he'd do for any other guest coming over. The roommate might have other things to do and not even be there. 

I never minded when my roommate's parents came to visit. They were nice people and usually invited me along for dinner! 😄 

 

[Kassia]

8 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

 

I never minded when my roommate's parents came to visit. They were nice people and usually invited me along for dinner! 😄 

 

Same!  I absolutely loved (and still do) my roommate's parents.  They were so nice and generous to me - it was very much appreciated.  

[theelfqueen]

I think I entered Oldest's dorm room once after move-in during the year he was in dorms. The next 4 years he was in rental apartments and houses. I visited those a bit more but they had common spaces (living rooms) so it felt more normal. 

[catz]

If your son is cool with it and let's his roomie know I think it's fine.  It's nice to see where your kid is living.  I think I saw my kid's dorm room twice all year and once was when he was moving in.  I wouldn't be hanging out there for more than a peek assuming he has a roomie.  Doubly so during covid.

[Jean in Newcastle]

"Inappropriate" seems too strong a word depending on Covid protocols, the roommate situation and reason for being in the room.  As others have mentioned, there are inappropriate reasons to be there (spending the night being one) or reasons why people wouldn't want extra people in there (Covid safety being one).  But there are also appropriate reasons to be there:  a quick visit to see his new room and to then go on to an activity or out to eat, helping with a task or with moving etc. 

[YaelAldrich]

No matter if it is a quick visit or a longer one, start practicing now your deadpan, poker face. You may see our smell things that were surprising.

Let me tell you about our recent visit to our bonus son's dorm suite - we came up to the sitting area and it reeked of marijuana. He ran around spraying air freshener. We laughed. He said it was from his roommate "Greenie". There were also posters of lovely ladies on the walls too....

[BusyMom5]

I dont think its inappropriate,  but I'm not planning to go back until move-out.  I'm not sure visitors can even go in right now?  

[MEmama]

We aren’t allowed inside DS's on campus apartment due to covid restrictions. 
 

It's probably for the best because I’d have a hard time not taking over the organisation and decorating. 😂

Edited September 15, 2021 by MEmama

[ieta_cassiopeia]

If DS says it's OK, then feel free to visit his room (with the confidence that it is probably not a complete tip...) and go with the flow. DS may already know exactly why he wishes to invite you and you only stay there for that specific task, perhaps he wants you to see how he lives now he's out of the home, maybe he wants to have a discussion with you that he doesn't want the entire dorm to overhear (private family business does not need to be the dorm's business, after all). Of course, it is important not to overstay one's welcome, and also to check if it's the sort of college that has rules on visitors in dorms (be that for COVID or any other reason).

(Incidentally, I don't think the mum cleaning once a month is an invasion of privacy if everyone sharing the room agreed to it and appropriate boundaries are set e.g. "don't clean that bit". Though it's not optimal either - ideally, by that point you'd want students to be able to clean their own rooms if possible).

[marbel]

Agreeing with others that if your son invites you, it's fine. I would not ask my kid if I could see their dorm room, because I'd expect they'd be reluctant to say no even if they didn't want me there. I'd let my college kid lead and treat them like the adult they are - assuming if they invite me in, they know it's fine with roommate, etc.

[katilac]

On 9/14/2021 at 3:52 PM, MissLemon said:

If he invites you to his room to sit for awhile, then go. I'd assume he cleared it with his roommate, like he'd do for any other guest coming over.  

 

I can't say that my roommates and I ever cleared visitors with each other, other than parents. Even then, it was just alerting the other person to put away anything they didn't want the parents to see, lol. We definitely did not ask if so-and-so could come over Friday afternoon or something. I'd guess different schools/dorms have different cultures. 

15 hours ago, ieta_cassiopeia said:

If DS says it's OK, then feel free to visit his room (with the confidence that it is probably not a complete tip... 

Unfortunately, my kids never felt compelled to clean up before we went over - both of my dds would cheerfully invite us to their rooms when they were a complete tip.