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messaging/social media for tweens?


ktgrok
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My 11 yr old is in 6th grade and starting a church youth group today, and hopefully soon starting homeschool activities again. When Covid hit she was still young enough she didn't really need or want to communicate with friends on her own, but it just struck me that she IS old enough now. And how do tweens do that? We don't have a house phone, she doesn't have a cell phone because um, she hasn't LEFT THE HOUSE IN 18 MONTHS, lol. She does have an apple email account so I can send her imessages from my laptop to her ipad, but that's it. 

Plus, my niece is about 9 months younger, and I'd like to be able to chat with her, or send her a cute meme or something. I have a feeling she has a device, I'll ask my sister, but before I go down that rabbit hole wanted to think on what I'd like for my DD11. 

How does a tween these days communicate with other tweens, relatives, etc? 

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Mine has Messenger Kids (connected to parent's Facebook).  He has a code to give out to friends/family, but I get to approve who he actually talks to and can monitor the messages.

We were in a position last year where my kid was the only one from his old team on his new team.  And with all the kids constantly spaced apart, always wearing masks, getting there 5 minutes before play and leaving 5 minutes after...they didn't know each other.  They didn't even know what each other looked like.  The parents started sharing pics of their kids on our message group, lol, and one of us managed to hit on the idea of using the MK app so our kids could talk and treat it like they would have the locker room.  It has been absolutely great.  Our kid created "rooms" where he has one for his old team, one for neighborhood friends, one for close friends..

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8 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

Mine has Messenger Kids (connected to parent's Facebook).  He has a code to give out to friends/family, but I get to approve who he actually talks to and can monitor the messages.

We were in a position last year where my kid was the only one from his old team on his new team.  And with all the kids constantly spaced apart, always wearing masks, getting there 5 minutes before play and leaving 5 minutes after...they didn't know each other.  They didn't even know what each other looked like.  The parents started sharing pics of their kids on our message group, lol, and one of us managed to hit on the idea of using the MK app so our kids could talk and treat it like they would have the locker room.  It has been absolutely great.  Our kid created "rooms" where he has one for his old team, one for neighborhood friends, one for close friends..

My great niece has this. So far it has been a wonderful success.

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mine uses google chat. The caveat is that both my husband and I can look through his message any time. Though I am strongly considering installed Bark later on.

Right now, we have a Gizmo so that he has a phone. Only certain phone numbers are permitted access and text messages are "preset" that he can send. He can receive text messages from the authorized numbers. 

I am looking at Pinwheel phone as a serious contender https://www.pinwheel.com/ because of the features that can be customized based on the needs you have and for the age you have.

 

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8 hours ago, ktgrok said:

My 11 yr old is in 6th grade and starting a church youth group today, and hopefully soon starting homeschool activities again. When Covid hit she was still young enough she didn't really need or want to communicate with friends on her own, but it just struck me that she IS old enough now. And how do tweens do that? We don't have a house phone, she doesn't have a cell phone because um, she hasn't LEFT THE HOUSE IN 18 MONTHS, lol. She does have an apple email account so I can send her imessages from my laptop to her ipad, but that's it. 

Plus, my niece is about 9 months younger, and I'd like to be able to chat with her, or send her a cute meme or something. I have a feeling she has a device, I'll ask my sister, but before I go down that rabbit hole wanted to think on what I'd like for my DD11. 

How does a tween these days communicate with other tweens, relatives, etc? 

DD is 11. She was the last in her friend group to get a phone. She kept telling me that they all had phones and I didn't believe her but it was actually true. 

We bought DD an iPad a few years ago. 

DD and her friends text almost every day. They also Facetime. 

DD's friends all seem to have Snapchat but DD hasn't pushed too hard about that. 

DD went through some drama last year with a groupchat. We made her quit because it was really toxic. The girls were always kicking each other off. It appears that group chats are not a thing this year. 

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For tweens and under, they use Messenger Kids on their kindles.  My 8 yo regularly video calls family members from her kindle, and sends audio messages to her friends since her typing and spelling skills don't match her expressive ability.

For my other kids, they text from their phones.  My 12 yo's phone doesn't have an unlimited texting plan specifically because she has a lot of catty acquaintances right now and she doesn't want them to have that much contact with her.  She uses Messenger Kids instead, and they can see she is offline. That allows her to dodge them when she doesn't want to deal with them.

 

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I vote for hold off as long as possible and sometimes it is possible to hold off a little longer than we think we can. Then when it does seem something is needed (and that day definitely comes, they can’t be without it forever), we go as slow as possible giving them only the capabilities they need. Seems most people I know see a need and then get a  powerful smartphone and its a free for all with all social media, all hours of day and night, etc. It doesn’t have to be that way (though it sure is easier so I get it). 

So, my advice is to hold out as long as possible and then start slowly. I’ve been through this with three adult kids but I still have a 13 yo dd. She started with Messenger Kids on her tablet but that is kind of limited. So that might work. When mine needed to have a phone on her to contact me we got her a kids phone (Gabb Wireless). It is pretty limited in capabilities but she can call and text and take pictures and keep reminders and alarms and a calendar. It doesn’t have an internet browser or social media. She keeps in on our nightstand overnight. It works for her for now. Eventually she’ll be involved in some activity that requires some other capability for communication and we’ll extend her technology then. 
 

Mine also has email. She has had that for years because she takes online classes. That gives her another option but kids aren’t going to email each other much. That’s almost more for grandparents or if we want to send her a link to something she would be interested in. 
 

One of the hard things about this is when you decide to get your child a phone usually the phone companies have it set up with deals to put you in a full smartphone cheaper than you could do some other more limited option. I am sure I pay more for my dd’s Gabb kids phone then we would have for a much better phone. But that’s a trade off we are willing to make for a few years.

I remember one time going in for a dumb phone for one ds (back when those were still available) and the salesperson explaining that a new iPhone would be cheaper. I said I didn’t want that. I wanted my 12 year old to have a dumb phone. The guy said “oh. You are one of those moms. I get it. Dumb phone it is.” Hahaha. Yep. I’m one of those moms. I even still buy physical alarm clocks so my kids don’t “need” their phone overnight for that. 

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I have a 12yo girl and she uses my phone to text.  
 

My older son’s friend group was fully into social media when he was 13.  That was the first time we felt he would be left out.  
 

It has a lot to do with what other kids are doing and with what kids your kid hangs around.

 

I think there really is a range.  
 

Edit: at this point my daughter’s use is less mature than my son’s when he was 13 (she is 12 now).  At this rate she isn’t going to be un- (less-) supervised when she is 13.  But a lot can change in a year.

I have talked to my husband a lot about how we might not do “same thing/same age” on this — that is my husband’s strong preference in general, but he is seeing as well there is not the same level of maturity.  
 

For whatever reason some of my son’s friends tend to be mature for their age!  Not seeing that with my daughter.  Which is fine!  Just means we may not do “same thing/same age.”  
 

Edit:  my impression is my daughter is truly less mature with this than average, and my son truly in a more mature group than average.  I think it does vary a lot.  
 

My son did also grow a lot from 12 to 13!

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2 hours ago, calbear said:

mine uses google chat. The caveat is that both my husband and I can look through his message any time. Though I am strongly considering installed Bark later on.

Right now, we have a Gizmo so that he has a phone. Only certain phone numbers are permitted access and text messages are "preset" that he can send. He can receive text messages from the authorized numbers. 

I am looking at Pinwheel phone as a serious contender https://www.pinwheel.com/ because of the features that can be customized based on the needs you have and for the age you have.

 

I am not sure what a Gizmo phone is or a Pinwheel phone. When DD was very young (like 6) one year she wanted a phone instead of a birthday party. We studied the idea and there were times when it would have been good for her to have a phone. We bought a Firefly phone that sounds something like what you are describing in a Gizmo or Pinwheel.

Well...  My wife studied the Firefly and I suspect she was one of very few people who knew how to use it.  We ended up getting a regular Nokia phone for DD which everyone knew how to use.

There are times, IMO when a cell phone, especially one with Data, can be a life saver.

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My 11 and 9 year old use Facebook kids messenger, linked to my FB account. It’s on their Kindles but I have it on my phone as well and they know I spot check. I have to approve all contacts anyway, but I had an issue where my 9 year old and her slightly older cousin were sending each other swear words because they thought it was hilarious.

 They mostly talk to their cousins over it using the video chat while they play Minecraft together. Cousins all live 5-18 hours away so it’s nice that way.

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My kids could text their friends starting at age 10, but I always read every text until they were past 13.  From age 10-11 they had Tracfones, and then they got iphones for their 12th birthdays.

I do know some people who don't let their 11yos have phones.  They let their kids use the parents' phones to text friends.  I personally don't like my kids using my phone, so that wouldn't be my first preference, but it's an option that some use.

I didn't let my kids use other forms of social media until recently.  At age 11 they didn't even have the technology to sneak it.  😛

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We have decided not to do messenger kids - so many issues in our local school with this (bullying etc).

My tween uses google meet to chat to her friend each week (I ring/text her mum to say she's on). But she 'chats' daily with a bunch of friend using google docs, as they're all writing group stories on the same google doc - they can 'chat' through commenting on the doc.

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We don’t do FB so I don’t know about Messenger Kids.

My tween uses a hand me down phone and Google (used to be Hangout now it’s something else). We are not huge fans of it, but we have it tied to our account so we see everything.

And most importantly - we use Bark to monitor it. And everything she does on her device. We monitor both kids’ accounts on every device we have with Bark. We have the bigger, unlimited plan. It was recommended by a cousin, and it’s been very helpful. We have tried other monitoring options, but this is my hands down favorite. I would encourage you to check it out!

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7 minutes ago, Spryte said:

We don’t do FB so I don’t know about Messenger Kids.

My tween uses a hand me down phone and Google (used to be Hangout now it’s something else). We are not huge fans of it, but we have it tied to our account so we see everything.

And most importantly - we use Bark to monitor it. And everything she does on her device. We monitor both kids’ accounts on every device we have with Bark. We have the bigger, unlimited plan. It was recommended by a cousin, and it’s been very helpful. We have tried other monitoring options, but this is my hands down favorite. I would encourage you to check it out!

I will pass that along to my in house technical support - aka DH, lol. He's more used to prevent russian hackers than preteen girls, lol. 

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7 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

I will pass that along to my in house technical support - aka DH, lol. He's more used to prevent russian hackers than preteen girls, lol. 

We tried a few other companies, but Bark has been most useful here.

I can pm about our fails, and where our previous system went wrong, and how it went wrong. And - believe me, it went very, very wrong. If that’s helpful.

But Bark has been a success!

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1 hour ago, Spryte said:

We tried a few other companies, but Bark has been most useful here.

I can pm about our fails, and where our previous system went wrong, and how it went wrong. And - believe me, it went very, very wrong. If that’s helpful.

But Bark has been a success!

I definitely like the look of it - that it filters to find the concerning stuff, flags it, allows you to set websites as open or not, etc. 

Our fail in parental stuff has always been that it is so sensitive they kid can't do anything, and they are asking for a password every 2 minutes, or the next level up is a free for all. This seems a bit more nuanced. 

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Our 12 year old son has an old iPad mini and a Chromebook.  He can use it to message approved people.  We have a high level of parental controls + full access to his devices.  He doesn’t have a smart phone and will not have one until high school.  My nieces and nephews had unlimited access to smartphones entirely too young and the impact on them has been intense.  

 

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6 hours ago, LucyStoner said:

Our 12 year old son has an old iPad mini and a Chromebook.  He can use it to message approved people.  We have a high level of parental controls + full access to his devices.  He doesn’t have a smart phone and will not have one until high school.  My nieces and nephews had unlimited access to smartphones entirely too young and the impact on them has been intense.  

 

Yes. Smart phone + full access for a younger kid … doesn’t always end well, even with great, responsible kids.

We monitor every single thing online. And many options are turned off, or require special permission from us each time. Bark helps. We also use all of the Apple parental controls and anything else at our disposal. 
 

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8 hours ago, ktgrok said:

So, I think we are going to give her a hand me down phone of ours, but DH is a cybersecurity professional and is going to figure out the best parental oversight on it we can. 

We have been able to essentially turn a smartphone into a dumb phone through the controls. They can text and facetime and use their camera and music, but their are time limits on some of those, because I don't want an 11 year old spending a lot of time on a phone. I get a request on my phone if they are asking for a time extension. My teen doesn't have the time limits, but doesn't have much app ability on the phone, including a browser, and can't install any apps without permission. He can use the computer for that stuff. At this point, he doesn't need to have a browser in his pocket.

As some others have alluded to, we've had a kid have a very negative life impact due to phone and social media stuff. I especially hate Discord due to what it's done to her life 😡.

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4 hours ago, LucyStoner said:

Our 12 year old son has an old iPad mini and a Chromebook.  He can use it to message approved people.  We have a high level of parental controls + full access to his devices.  He doesn’t have a smart phone and will not have one until high school.  My nieces and nephews had unlimited access to smartphones entirely too young and the impact on them has been intense.  

 

Not being snarky, but what is the difference in terms of impact between an ipad and an iphone? Other than phone calls, don' they have pretty much the same capabilities? Or do you mean just access, in that a phone with a data plan can be used anywhere, vs a tablet that doesn't needs wifi?

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My kids had prepaid smartphones early and they used free wifi to surf when in YMCA summer camps. Mine are kind of antisocial though so DS15 would hang out on AoPS forums while DS16 would text me only if he needs something. 
 

We didn’t bother with parental controls since their age peers were already rather conversant at jail breaking and side loading phones/tablets/laptops.

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3 hours ago, KSera said:

We have been able to essentially turn a smartphone into a dumb phone through the controls. They can text and facetime and use their camera and music, but their are time limits on some of those, because I don't want an 11 year old spending a lot of time on a phone. I get a request on my phone if they are asking for a time extension. My teen doesn't have the time limits, but doesn't have much app ability on the phone, including a browser, and can't install any apps without permission. He can use the computer for that stuff. At this point, he doesn't need to have a browser in his pocket.

As some others have alluded to, we've had a kid have a very negative life impact due to phone and social media stuff. I especially hate Discord due to what it's done to her life 😡.

What system do you use for the time limits? 

I never could get Screen Time to work on the iPhone. I tried it for months and I could tell that it wasn't calculating correctly. It also couldn't count total minutes on the device so you had to set limits for each app 

Now we use Disney Circle which I like. The screen time app seems to work correctly. 

The hardest thing for us is that most kids seem to have no limits at all. 

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22 minutes ago, Ordinary Shoes said:

What system do you use for the time limits? 

I never could get Screen Time to work on the iPhone. I tried it for months and I could tell that it wasn't calculating correctly. It also couldn't count total minutes on the device so you had to set limits for each app 

Now we use Disney Circle which I like. The screen time app seems to work correctly. 

The hardest thing for us is that most kids seem to have no limits at all. 

We use screentime, which I totally don’t love, but I’ve been able to get it to work well enough for our use. It does/did not work well for what we needed for one of my older kids. We used a VPN based one on her own for awhile, which was complicated to set up. That was only for my challenging kid. I’ve looked at Disney circle and been interested, but I recall there being some reason that we weren’t sure it would work for us. I will have to look again. I do get tired of having to put passwords in for things all the time. One problem we’ve had with Apple controls is having a hard time getting them fully removed when we do so. My 21-year-old hasn’t had parental controls in place for forever, not since before Screen Time even existed, yet there’s a couple certain things where it will suddenly ask for a password and no matter what we do, we can’t figure out how to get rid of it. Super annoying. 

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12 minutes ago, KSera said:

We use screentime, which I totally don’t love, but I’ve been able to get it to work well enough for our use. It does/did not work well for what we needed for one of my older kids. We used a VPN based one on her own for awhile, which was complicated to set up. That was only for my challenging kid. I’ve looked at Disney circle and been interested, but I recall there being some reason that we weren’t sure it would work for us. I will have to look again. I do get tired of having to put passwords in for things all the time. One problem we’ve had with Apple controls is having a hard time getting them fully removed when we do so. My 21-year-old hasn’t had parental controls in place for forever, not since before Screen Time even existed, yet there’s a couple certain things where it will suddenly ask for a password and no matter what we do, we can’t figure out how to get rid of it. Super annoying. 

I got so annoyed with Screentime last year that I came to the conclusion that they intentionally make these programs so they don't work so kids are online even longer. 

One thing that was a problem for us with a time limit is that it became a right. If something came up and DD got home late, she expected her time limit on the device. 

Honestly, DD spent way too much time online last year because I didn't have the energy to keep fighting about it. It was always, "I need 10 more minutes," or "so and so called me so I need to stay online." It was emotionally exhausting always having to be the bad guy. 

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2 minutes ago, Ordinary Shoes said:

I got so annoyed with Screentime last year that I came to the conclusion that they intentionally make these programs so they don't work so kids are online even longer. 

One thing that was a problem for us with a time limit is that it became a right. If something came up and DD got home late, she expected her time limit on the device. 

Honestly, DD spent way too much time online last year because I didn't have the energy to keep fighting about it. It was always, "I need 10 more minutes," or "so and so called me so I need to stay online." It was emotionally exhausting always having to be the bad guy. 

Yeah it seems some of these programs are so cumbersome and annoy you into just letting things go. And it is exhausting to enforce and be the bad guy. With kids #1 and #2 we tried to let them have more with all the limits and controls. I hated what it did to our family dynamic and it made me so grouchy. Poor kid #3 got everything much later. I’d just rather wait as long as possible- ideally until they don’t need so many limits so the dynamic is not constant parental control/override/conflict/testing limits. I found it absolutely disheartening and I had great understanding of the parents that just chose to let it all go. 
 

I hate dealing with tween/young teen and technology. But it is unavoidable. They do need it at some point. It sure has made our parenting job harder.

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29 minutes ago, Ordinary Shoes said:

One thing that was a problem for us with a time limit is that it became a right. If something came up and DD got home late, she expected her time limit on the device. 

 

We totally have this issue with video game time. We have time limits in place for that, but now it’s an expected thing each day. 

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Mine email or they use/call via their parents phones.

We and church leaders strongly encourage professional standards with accountability.

So for example if the youth group is communicating via groupme, it’s with the understanding that parents and youth leaders are on it too.

My tweens do not have cellphones or much access to the internet or even their own email yet.  They are still active in their hobbies and church and have friends.   But it is more work for me. But such is mom life.

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I didn’t read the replies. 
 

Before we were ready to give our kids devices, we set up a house iPhone. It generally stayed in the kitchen and it was shared. This way we could closely monitor it and they did not feel entitled to take it everywhere. It allowed them to communicate easily with friends without using our phones. It was a great solution for that in-between time for us! 

 

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8 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

Mine email or they use/call via their parents phones.

We and church leaders strongly encourage professional standards with accountability.

So for example if the youth group is communicating via groupme, it’s with the understanding that parents and youth leaders are on it too.

My tweens do not have cellphones or much access to the internet or even their own email yet.  They are still active in their hobbies and church and have friends.   But it is more work for me. But such is mom life.

oh, yes any communication from youth group is copied to the adult email as well. 

1 minute ago, kristin0713 said:

I didn’t read the replies. 
 

Before we were ready to give our kids devices, we set up a house iPhone. It generally stayed in the kitchen and it was shared. This way we could closely monitor it and they did not feel entitled to take it everywhere. It allowed them to communicate easily with friends without using our phones. It was a great solution for that in-between time for us! 

 

I like this idea!

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16 hours ago, ktgrok said:

Not being snarky, but what is the difference in terms of impact between an ipad and an iphone? Other than phone calls, don' they have pretty much the same capabilities? Or do you mean just access, in that a phone with a data plan can be used anywhere, vs a tablet that doesn't needs wifi?

His iPad is primarily used for listening to books and messaging a few pre-approved people.  We have the password and can see everything.  The iPad largely stays home and is not in his pocket with internet access all day.  He needs permission to add any games or apps.  Other than streaming books, he’s using his iPad a couple of hours a week, not multiple hours a day.   

When my niece was about 13, she was chatting with a person online and that person started asking for her address so he could send an Uber right then to pick her up. That’s the most extreme example but as a consequence of unmonitored, unfiltered, unlimited access to the internet through a device that they keep with them all the time, I have observed my nieces and nephews:

Lose a considerable amount of sleep to the point that it exacerbated mental health conditions. 

Get involved in toxic social situations, including bullying, harassment and in at least one case, what’s apppeared to be grooming.  

Waste considerable energy on games of marginal quality 

Become combative when they lose access to their phones because they are so used to having them.  

Some things, like sexting and sending inappropriate pictures are normalized in some of their peer groups.  The two older girls (14 and 19 at this point) have both been asked for nude photos, not just by randos online but by classmates.  

 

My nieces and nephew were between ages 8 and 12 when they got their first smartphones. While I know from first hand experience that parents can monitor and supervise their kids phones and teach their kids to be more digitally savvy, one of my brothers and exSILs do not due to the chaos and poverty in their lives.  The other two nieces have had phones since they were like 8 as digital babysitters because my exBIL is a jerk.  Access to their phones is part of the divorce decree and my brother, who is a more involved parent than his ex-husband, is all but powerless to limit their access or guide their use. 

While my kids do not have the same risk factors in their lives as their cousins, I’ve seen similar things as above for friends kids who do not come from the same high risk background as my nieces and nephew. I’ve reached the conclusion that my kids don’t need smartphones at all and don’t/won’t get them until high school. I’ve observed most parents don’t seem to have any idea what their kids are doing on their phones.  Many functional, loving and thoughtful parents seem to have a blind spot regarding the ubiquitousness of phones.  I have had many friends realize after the fact that some truly messed up shit was going on in their kids lives via their phones.  

TBH, even with being older when he got a smartphone and with us having more limits on his phone, we observed issues with my older son and his iPhone (mostly struggling to manage his time and staying up way too late) and, with his buy-in, his phone doesn’t stay with him at bedtime and we have a time limit app that helps us help him limit his time on one app that was taking up to much of his time.  


 

 

 

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What @LucyStoner said.

My oldest is 23 yo so I've been at this awhile. I can tell you that even the most conscientous parents and nicest kids have had issues. My third child had a flip phone until he was almost 16. Had to special order it. Sounds ridiculous but I have no regrets. Even at almost 16 he didn't have IG and Twitter or Snapchat and he didn't have an internet browser for awhile. It was embarassing for him at times but he always had the capabilites to do what he had to do for all his activities and leadership positions. Over his last couple years of high school he eased into those things.  His teen years were absolutely the least drama of any of my kids. Not saying that was all the phone restrictions but I am sure it is part of it. I also have no doubt that he found his way into some stuff I would have rather he not even with all those restrictions. I don't regret standing strong on the issue. The time passed and he is off at college now and no worse for the years he spent with limited personal technology. He got through those years happier and with less drama then the ones who had more. (And it was never a free for all with the older kids...I always had what I thought were strict rules).

Not saying kids shouldn't have these things. Everyone needs to assess their situation and make a call. Some kids have needs that others don't for contacting parents, participating in worthwhile extracurriculars, etc. I'm not saying "no technology" but I do think parents need to know that it has been an issue for almost every single family I know and I think parents need to feel supported if they stay strong on limits and I absolutely think all parents should reserve the right to change their mind and change rules as they go. 

 

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