Plane ticket for Thanksgiving

[TexasProud]

Ok ladies, help me think through this in light of my mom's diagnosis.  Our daughter is going to college in Indiana, majoring in musical theater.   I started to buy her plane ticket home for Thanksgiving several weeks ago... Then, Hubby was going to be in Africa, and I would be in Africa for the month of December. The plan was to fly her to Houston. My MIL lives there. We are all much closer to her than my mom. Plus, she lives in a giant two story house. She has three bedrooms and 2 bathrooms upstairs. Plus both a couch upstairs and a couch in the formal den that open up into beds if needed. My two SIL live in the same town, all 10 minutes from each other, so family is huge. My boys just spent the last week with her ( One fleeing the hurricane and the other one works from home, so he went to see his brother and MIL.)

My family is just not that close. My mom's house is perfectly decorated. There is one spare bedroom. Typically if we go to see her, then we just go for the day. If my mom comes here, she normally just stays for the day or sometimes rents a hotel. (Yes, we have bedrooms she could stay in.) My mom has come anytime I have asked her to help...she even helped with my dad once. The woman deserves a medal.

Anyway, I do not know how to describe it, but my MIL has an open door in her heart and her home. My mom is friendly, loving but there is just an invisible wall.

So, I am definitely not going to Africa. We do not have any idea what will be going on with my mom's cancer right now. I mean she could be dead, she could be in hospice on pain meds, she could be holding her own..not cured but stable. We are kind of waiting to see my husband's plans with my mom's outlook.

Then you add in Covid.

Do I have her fly to Dallas ( closest to home and my mom lives in Arlington) and she comes home, but doesn't visit my mom and ZOOMS. But I have Thanksgiving here.  That said, my husband has always cooked the Turkey and at least half the sides. But we may all be here with me driving back and forth the 2 hours. 

Do I just send her to Houston and plan to have all three kids just stay with MIL and have her do Thanksgiivng and I drive there at some point (5 hours)

The tickets are only getting more expensive and scarcer. Kinda wish I had already done it, but now I feel paralyzed. None of the kids know yet, because I want to have a diagnosis before I talk to them. Well, with the exception of oldest who is 26. He was talking to me about talking to his manager about being here the month of December to take care of animals and house since I was going to be in Africa. That is no longer needed.

So how do I navigate my daughter's plane ticket in light of all of these uncertainties. Obviously my question isn't clear...do I buy a ticket for her to Dallas or Houston? 

Edited September 11, 2021 by TexasProud

[Katy]

Buy the ticket.  Decide details in the two months to come.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

Get it and get insurance so you’re not out anything if you cancel or reschedule.

Don’t fear paralyze you.  Things may be more complicated right now, but not impossible.   I have long planned to take my kids to Universal Harry Potter world the year they were 11. My oldest is 11 and I have the trip booked for next month, but I did get insurance just in case.

[TexasProud]

@KatyBut buy the ticket for Dallas or Houston. Not the question about buying the ticket.

Edited September 11, 2021 by TexasProud

[regentrude]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

@KatyBut buy the ticket for Dallas or Houston. Not the question about buying the ticket.

Have you asked your DD what she prefers? She should be the one to decide how she wants to spend Thanksgiving. And she can book her own ticket if you give her your credit card number

Edited September 11, 2021 by regentrude

[TexasProud]

3 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Have you asked your DD what she prefers? She should be the one to decide how she wants to spend Thanksgiving. And she can book her own ticket if you give her your credit card number

She does not know about my mom's possible diagnosis. We are not telling her until  my mom sees the oncologist, gets biopsies, gets results back and has a treatment plan. That may be another 2, possibly 3 weeks from now...and tickets keep going up.

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

She does not know about my mom's possible diagnosis. We are not telling her until  my mom sees the oncologist, gets biopsies, gets results back and has a treatment plan. That may be another 2, possibly 3 weeks from now...and tickets keep going up.

I understand that this is a difficult situation,  however,  I don't think a parent should decide for their adult offspring how they have to spend their holidays without discussing it with them

[PeterPan]

If you go with Southwest, she could change the flights, cancel, etc. and the funds become credits, all the way up until 30 minutes before the flight. I always bought my dd's college tickets with Southwest to make them flexible.

11 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

She does not know about my mom's possible diagnosis. We are not telling her until  my mom sees the oncologist, gets biopsies, gets results back and has a treatment plan. That may be another 2, possibly 3 weeks from now...and tickets keep going up.

It's getting pretty weird at that point. Maybe you're overshielding? What if she decides her own plans (boyfriend, whatever) and you haven't told her? Being upfront and letting her say what she wants would probably be the best thing. 

[PeterPan]

17 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Have you asked your DD what she prefers? She should be the one to decide how she wants to spend Thanksgiving. And she can book her own ticket if you give her your credit card number

So fwiw, if Mom buys the ticket on Southwest but assigns the ticket to dd's name, dd will still be able to call and change the parameters as it is her ticket. 

[PeterPan]

22 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

@KatyBut buy the ticket for Dallas or Houston. Not the question about buying the ticket.

You ask the kid what she wants. The real issue is the EMOTION of how it will feel for her and only she knows her emotion. (where she will want to be or not be) So tell her what's going on and let her decide. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, PeterPan said:

You ask the kid what she wants. The real issue is the EMOTION of how it will feel for her and only she knows her emotion. (where she will want to be or not be) So tell her what's going on and let her decide. 

Yeah, she is 19. She cannot do anything but feel helpless and horrible. My husband, my sister-in-law and her brother ( told one just now) all agree it would be best not to tell her anything until we know more.  She is having a ball and the time of her life with her friends and her classes. She lost her senior year because of Covid and her school closed. Last year she had a very modified experience as a freshmen.  She is finally having fun and a more "normal" experience. I will not ruin that until I have to. I just won't. And people here all agree with that.

[Kassia]

4 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

So fwiw, if Mom buys the ticket on Southwest but assigns the ticket to dd's name, dd will still be able to call and change the parameters as it is her ticket. 

She can do it online, too.  Only problem is if prices go up - she'd have to pay the price difference.  Still, at least she has a ticket! 

[Kassia]

Just now, TexasProud said:

Yeah, she is 19. She cannot do anything but feel helpless and horrible. My husband, my sister-in-law and her brother ( told one just now) all agree it would be best not to tell her anything until we know more.  She is having a ball and the time of her life with her friends and her classes. She lost her senior year because of Covid and her school closed. Last year she had a very modified experience as a freshmen.  She is finally having fun and a more "normal" experience. I will not ruin that until I have to. I just won't. And people here all agree with that.

I think I would feel that way, too.  Tough situation since she may want to know.  I wonder if you could just give her the basics in a way where she knows what is happening but not get into too much detail.  I try not to burden my kids with stuff - especially when they are in school and need to focus on schoolwork.  

[TexasProud]

13 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

So fwiw, if Mom buys the ticket on Southwest but assigns the ticket to dd's name, dd will still be able to call and change the parameters as it is her ticket. 

Yes, and the prices are actually better than I thought. Less than 500 round trip. It was 700 last time I looked. That is for either Dallas or Houston. I am leaning toward Dallas. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Go see MIL. 

[City Mouse]

I go with the idea of getting a ticket to one and it can always be changed later. Maybe she files into Dallas and rides with you to Houston and flies back from Houston.

[PeterPan]

45 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, she is 19. She cannot do anything but feel helpless and horrible.

She has a clinical problem? Of course she could have a healthy response, connect with her supports, etc.

45 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

And people here all agree with that.

Not me. My mother didn't tell me when my grandfather was diagnosed and only called me in when he was with hospice dying. I was newly married and I guess she figured it would shatter my happiness or something.

Kids are resilient.

37 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I am leaning toward Dallas.

This is a fine choice. It gives her a stable situation when you have a lot of flux and is changeable if you do it with tix that can be altered.

[Katy]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

@KatyBut buy the ticket for Dallas or Houston. Not the question about buying the ticket.

I would go ahead and tell her because my kids would feel betrayed by not telling, but if you all agree it's a terrible idea to tell her then send her to MIL and just visit your mom for a day.

[TexasProud]

33 minutes ago, Katy said:

I would go ahead and tell her because my kids would feel betrayed by not telling, but if you all agree it's a terrible idea to tell her then send her to MIL and just visit your mom for a day.

 

 

42 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

She has a clinical problem? Of course she could have a healthy response, connect with her supports, etc.

Not me. My mother didn't tell me when my grandfather was diagnosed and only called me in when he was with hospice dying. I was newly married and I guess she figured it would shatter my happiness or something.

Kids are resilient.

This is a fine choice. It gives her a stable situation when you have a lot of flux and is changeable if you do it with tix that can be altered.

Oh good grief... I am telling her before that. I will probably tell her in 2-3 weeks when we have a diagnosis. No, I am NOT saying that we won't tell her at all. But RIGHT NOW when there is SO much we do not know and she cannot do anything from Indiana. I mean what is the point. As this affects whether or not my husband goes to Africa ( And I need to tell her I am not going at all in December), yeah that wouldn't make sense or be healthy to keep a secret from her.  RIGHT NOW, until we get biopsies and get the results and figure out exactly what is going on, I have no problem at all keeping her in the dark. So probably just until end of this month.  I just don't make myself clear I guess.