All this recent narc talk...

[Carrie12345]

And ours reached out, out of the blue. To my GGC (golden grandchild) dd.  It must be at LEAST 5 years since dd had contact, since that’s around the time we were no longer able to shield the kids from the degree of problems.

Dd is on an opposite sleep schedule from us, so we haven’t had a chance to really talk, but she texted dh, said she was fine, didn’t really care, and that she blocked her. She just wanted to make dh aware.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone has any short and sweet resources for processing “reach outs”. I did find a very good one, but it was so focused on romantic relationships that I don’t think dd would get much out of it.

(http://www.yaywithme.com/blog/when-the-narcissist-reaches-out if anyone else is interested.)

I’m very glad that dd was strong enough to ignore it, but the whole “I don’t care” kinda punches me in the gut. Perhaps she IS way more evolved than the rest of us, lol, but I think it’s more likely that she’s suppressing big feelings. Which she isn’t obligated to share with me, but I would like for her to process in one way or another!

[Rosie_0801]

Maybe she really doesn't care. Some people give us so much practice we get good at it.

[Garga]

I’d need more backstory.  So, some questions:  Why do you think your dd would care? What do you think she is suppressing? If you protected your daughter against the narc, she might not have the same visceral reaction to a reachout that you would.  She might not have the same punched in the gut feeling when the narc reaches out. If you protected her from being damaged, then she’s not damaged and she knows how to further protect herself: block the person and move on with her life.

I have not been damaged by a narc, but I know two of them. If they reached out to me, I would quite easily block them and would feel no emotional gut punch about it, because there are no wounds for them to rip open. Now…on the other hand, my mother who was tormented by one of those narcs, would be put in a bit of a tailspin from a reachout, because of all the damage she experienced at the hand of the narc.  

 

[Carrie12345]

27 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Maybe she really doesn't care. Some people give us so much practice we get good at it.

 

20 minutes ago, Garga said:

I’d need more backstory.  So, some questions:  Why do you think your dd would care? What do you think she is suppressing? If you protected your daughter against the narc, she might not have the same visceral reaction to a reachout that you would.  She might not have the same punched in the gut feeling when the narc reaches out. If you protected her from being damaged, then she’s not damaged and she knows how to further protect herself: block the person and move on with her life.

I have not been damaged by a narc, but I know two of them. If they reached out to me, I would quite easily block them and would feel no emotional gut punch about it, because there are no wounds for them to rip open. Now…on the other hand, my mother who was tormented by one of those narcs, would be put in a bit of a tailspin from a reachout, because of all the damage she experienced at the hand of the narc.  

 

So, I guess I didn’t think of “not caring” as meaning “not damaged” or any other healthy status. That’s probably something I should consider, instead of knee-jerk equating “not caring” to a lack of ‘normal’ emotional range. I appreciate the perspective!

Background... favorite grandchild, paraded like a show dog (literally taken TO dog shows and shown off), every whim fulfilled, zero boundaries. One example is that we had to disconnect the house phone at night because dd would call in the middle of the night and grandma would talk to her for hours. SIL eventually tipped us off even though she participated.  Dd was probably around 5/6 at the time. Tons of secret keeping.  
Long, slow break that we didn’t really have the language to explain at the time. We started to get more open when she was around 11/12ish. Did our best to enforce no contact soon after. Shared more details when other relatives moved in with us (due to related issues) 5 years ago, when she was 14. Since then, she’s been made aware of even worse things that have occurred since then, by witnesses to abuse and by the media.
 

I did say maybe she is more evolved, meaning maybe she’s super emotionally healthy in this regard. But I am skeptical when someone adored another person for around a decade, was removed from them in a strange, chaotic manner, and then discovered that person was basically a sociopath (I’m using that more colloquially than clinically) and wants back in.

I am deliberately NOT jumping in to grill dd, and deliberately trying TO separate my reaction from hers. Outwardly. Inwardly, I’m enraged, but I have no intention of making dd deal with *my emotions. As much as we’ve touched on this type of thing in her recent adulthood (abstractly, like avoiding toxicity in general) I do question whether we did/explained/fostered enough healthy stuff FOR her to be okay. Because we were freaking disasters navigating this just for ourselves and our marriage at the time!
 

By that, I mean I question it now. I hadn’t given much thought to dd being contacted this far out from last contact.

[QueenCat]

That has to be hard to have things revealed by the media. Do others see it and bother her with questions about gma?

[Carrie12345]

Had a great talk with other dd before she went to work today. Her sister had texted her last night about it, and they both discovered previously unseen FB messenger messages that were filed under spam. 
Other dd is angry about the audacity. (It’s mainly all “I don’t know why you won’t talk to me” one liners.). But she’s glad we talked and swears she knows I’m here for her. So that’s good. 
 

11 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

That has to be hard to have things revealed by the media. Do others see it and bother her with questions about gma?

I’m actually not sure. We had let them know at the time that people might, but I don’t think they did. I think their friends, especially at their ages at the time, were unlikely to be following regular news outlets on social media.

Dh and I did get a lot of that. Ds got some from his father’s side. Even my (estranged) father called my sister about it.  It was… a ride!

[Scarlett]

I will say that I often think grandkids are not near as emotionally damaged as a generation up might be by even the same behavior or treatment.  

[Faith-manor]

4 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Maybe she really doesn't care. Some people give us so much practice we get good at it.

Boy, isn't that the truth!