Y’all. I am nervous

[Scarlett]

So Monday I went to DIL’s FB page which I only do periodically to see if there are any pics of the baby….she had her status as separated.  None of her posts gave any indication of trouble….beyond the normal immature stuff which is why I don’t follow her….but I had noticed a week or so back she was rehiring her beloved dog.  
 

I told Dh….he was going to call his son but before he did dss24 calls him. Says nothing about a separation….just chit chat about work….and how they forced him to get the vaccine…and if he didnt have his year old child he would have quit over it.  🙄

And then he says he wants to bring his son to see us.  Just the two of them….his wife has to work…..he will be her tomorrow at 3.  Dh is working from home anyway because of a doctor appointment, so that worked out…

I am just like….what the heck….

 

[Rosie_0801]

Boundaries, Dude.

Smile, nod, cross your fingers and let his dad ask the questions.

Ugh...

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Boundaries, Dude.

Smile, nod, cross your fingers and let his dad ask the questions.

Ugh...

I hope I am still at work for the most of it…..but yes I agree with your advice.  I will take the baby and let them talk……ugh is right.  

[Scarlett]

So have any of you had kids want to move home in this situation?

[Wheres Toto]

16 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

So have any of you had kids want to move home in this situation?

I moved home with my kid in a similar situation.  If the situation is even what you are thinking.   Social media is a bad place to get real information.

[Shoeless]

She may just be throwing a tantrum on fb with the "separated" status. A friend of mine had a huge fight with her husband and made a wild post about needing divorce attorney references. Yikes.  She did it to zing him. 😕 (They are still married, btw).

[Scarlett]

11 minutes ago, Wheres Toto said:

I moved home with my kid in a similar situation.  If the situation is even what you are thinking.   Social media is a bad place to get real information.

Lol…..well….it is information I got because that is where it is.  I would be thrilled if the info came from elsewhere.  

[J-rap]

I'm sorry.  🙁

[MercyA]

[klmama]

I doubt he wants to move home.  More likely, he wants advice on getting divorced and custody issues.  Regardless, I hope you get home in time to enjoy the baby for a while before dss leaves with him. 

[Scarlett]

5 hours ago, klmama said:

I doubt he wants to move home.  More likely, he wants advice on getting divorced and custody issues.  Regardless, I hope you get home in time to enjoy the baby for a while before dss leaves with him. 

I suspect you are right.  And probably money for an attorney.

[Murphy101]

I think you and your husband should talk about possible scenarios now to decide what you are both comfortable doing should it come up.  Would you be okay with him moving in with a baby? How much financial help? Under what conditions? 

[Spryte]

I hope you get a good baby fix in. Lots of cuddle time.

I would take everything else as it comes, maybe plan ahead with DH that you will take some time to make decisions about how to help. Don’t feel you have to decide anything today, take time to think about things.

[Scarlett]

22 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

I think you and your husband should talk about possible scenarios now to decide what you are both comfortable doing should it come up.  Would you be okay with him moving in with a baby? How much financial help? Under what conditions? 

I really don't think it will be him needing to move in with the baby.  I think his wife and her family will do all they can to keep the baby to themselves.  I could be wrong though.....maybe she will  be perfectly reasonable about his rights as a father.  I know we don't have the money to throw at a big custody fight, but then again I think her parents have even less money for that.  So hopefully everyone will be reasonable.  

[EKS]

I once switched my marital status to "it's complicated" by accident.  I didn't find out until someone asked about it.  Maybe something like that happened.

[Scarlett]

27 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

I think you and your husband should talk about possible scenarios now to decide what you are both comfortable doing should it come up.  Would you be okay with him moving in with a baby? How much financial help? Under what conditions? 

Oh but yes, dh and I are on board that we will have to agree to the level of assistance and on what terms we help.  

[Scarlett]

Just now, EKS said:

I once switched my marital status to "it's complicated" by accident.  I didn't find out until someone asked about it.  Maybe something like that happened.

I wish....but so many other indications....her posts are clearly all about her and their son....nothing about her husband.

[Scarlett]

Here is a meme she posted 

[Scarlett]

Ok and now his FB says separated.  Sigh.  He never even posts so I guess this is for sure a statement.  

[Farrar]

I'm sorry, Scarlett. I guess, be ready with some good legal advice. Even when it's a nice separation, we all know it can get so complicated and messy when there's a kid. And in this case, I hope everyone is able to maintain strong ties for the baby's sake.

[MooCow]

I'm sorry 😞 Hopefully you and your dh can be the encouraging voice that tells him he IS important in his son's life and that it's worth the effort in spite of whatever his soon to be ex-wife and her family says.

[bolt.]

This is going to be hard for you. Let us know how we can help -- and vent away. Writing is a great way to process your emotions and reactions.

Remember to try not to let yourself 'hope for' any outcome in particular (other than generally hoping for things to go as well as possible, given the circumstances). Try to trust the people in the situation to make the important decisions. Hold your own perspective and opinions as lightly as you are able to. Keep yourself on the edges of things as much as possible.

[ktgrok]

You might want to suggest or offer to help pay for some counseling - everyone thinks it is to fix a marriage but it can also be to have a much healthier separation/divorce. They will be co-parenting for the rest of their lives and learning to deal with each other in a productive manner is only going to help. 

[Catwoman]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Here is a meme she posted 

Do you have any idea why she would have posted that? Could your dss be a lousy father or the kind of dh who is always out with his friends instead of being home for his own family? Could he have a problem with drugs or alcohol?

I hope none of that is the case, but that meme was pretty accusatory, and your dh might want to ask his son about it. 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

Do you have any idea why she would have posted that? Could your dss be a lousy father or the kind of dh who is always out with his friends instead of being home for his own family? Could he have a problem with drugs or alcohol?

I hope none of that is the case, but that meme was pretty accusatory, and your dh might want to ask his son about it. 

We have no idea about any of it.  Maybe he will be transparent with dh about her complaints and if they are justified or not.  As you know dh and dss have been estranged for many years until about 3 years ago....so things are still disconnected and sometimes tense.  I do not get the idea that dss is a big partier or going out with friends.  The things I think have upset her is his back going out several times and causing them big problems when his employment is affected.  He is currently employed, working nights....and has been for several months.  A job where his back can stand up to it.  Some women just can't handle chronic health issues.  But maybe he is irresponsible with their money.  Really it could be anything.  And it could be her more or as much as him.  

[itsheresomewhere]

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

Do you have any idea why she would have posted that? Could your dss be a lousy father or the kind of dh who is always out with his friends instead of being home for his own family? Could he have a problem with drugs or alcohol?

I hope none of that is the case, but that meme was pretty accusatory, and your dh might want to ask his son about it. 

Or he could be a gamer who spends all his time gaming and no with his family. This one seems to have increased during the pandemic according to a friend who is a counselor.

 

[Rosie_0801]

With a meme like that, she'd better hope nothing ends up in court.

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

Or he could be a gamer who spends all his time gaming and no with his family. This one seems to have increased during the pandemic according to a friend who is a counselor.

 

I didn't think of that....they do both like to game.....and all of her memes and posts are about Harry Potter and Grays Anatomy.  

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

With a meme like that, she'd better hope nothing ends up in court.

You mean  because it could look slanderous?  Or....what?

[MooCow]

Never hurts to take a pic and keep it just in case.

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

We have no idea about any of it.  Maybe he will be transparent with dh about her complaints and if they are justified or not.  As you know dh and dss have been estranged for many years until about 3 years ago....so things are still disconnected and sometimes tense.  I do not get the idea that dss is a big partier or going out with friends.  The things I think have upset her is his back going out several times and causing them big problems when his employment is affected.  He is currently employed, working nights....and has been for several months.  A job where his back can stand up to it.  Some women just can't handle chronic health issues.  But maybe he is irresponsible with their money.  Really it could be anything.  And it could be her more or as much as him.  

Yes, it may not be him at all. Realistically, I’m sure neither of them is perfect, and it also sounds like her parents are way too involved in the marriage, which may be the primary problem here. 

Their best chance of making things work would probably be for them to put a little distance between themselves and her parents for a while, as it sounds like her parents have far too much influence over their relationship.

[Rosie_0801]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

You mean  because it could look slanderous?  Or....what?

Because it looks like parental alienation.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Because it looks like parental alienation.

Oh.  And yes.  I agree.  I am very anxious to see what is up......Dh just called.  They are there....he was on speaker and I said hello to the baby....I am going to pick up pizza and a toy....

[Kassia]

Good luck!  Hope it all goes well, @Scarlett  Thinking of you.

[Janeway]

How did it all go? Make sure you keep proof of what she posted, so you can tell it is on her page. Sounds like she might be planning on alienating him from his child but is too impulsive to be honest.

[Catwoman]

Just checking in and hoping everything went well!

[Spryte]

Thinking of you.

[marbel]

I hope all is well, Scarlet. 💓 Or as well as it can be under the apparent circumstances.

 

[MercyA]

Praying for you and your family, Scarlett. 

[Scarlett]

Thanks all.   It went fine.  We enjoyed the baby.  He is very sweet and comes to all of us easily. 
 

Dss24 and his wife have been separated for 2 months. He has been living with his mom.  Wife wanted a separation……she wanted him to move out so he did.  She has this notion of ‘we need to be happy alone so we can be happy together.’  Or some nonsense.   Part of which is being able to sleep around..,,she said she wants the excitement of that.  He has declined that suggestion thankfully, but she has been out with some guy.  
 

It is all so crazy.  I don’t really know if he asked for anything…….Dh was here with him for a couple of hours before I got home.  The only thing I told him is that he should move back to their apartment immediately so she can’t file on grounds of abandonment.  He is working crazy hours…..and  scattered all over between or apartment where he sometimes picks up the baby….his job, his moms where he has been staying and day care where he sometimes picks up baby.  Furthest is between his moms place and the day care…….about 1 1/2 hours.  Work and the apartment about halfway in between.

He claims the parents are not happy with her…..but they aren’t ‘taking sides’.  

[MercyA]

I'm so sorry, Scarlett. What a mess. 😞 

[Katy]

What a mess.  I know legally it won't matter if they are married, but he might look at getting a paternity test.

[J-rap]

I'm so sorry.  She sounds like a real doozy.  I hope it's apparent (in any hearing) that your ds is the more responsible parent.  Who is taking care of the baby when she's out with other men?

Edited September 10, 2021 by J-rap

[hjffkj]

What a tough situation. I hope your dss can take this separation time to figure out what is best for him and his child, whether that is with or without his wife. 

[Scarlett]

I am very sad. Dh is really really sad. A lot of flashbacks remembering how he felt when his XW did this to him. 
 

I don’t know how dss can sustain this type of work schedule.  He is never going to see his son….and apparently that was the case before they separated. He is working 4-midnight.  She would leave in the morning with the baby to drop him off at daycare while dss was sleeping and he would leave for work before they got home. I encouraged him to find a job with a better schedule even if it means a pay cut.  
 

I did not say too much except that he needed to get back into their apartment.  But apparently she recently told him she was looking for something less expensive and that he could move back in, so maybe that will work itself out.  Their lease is not up for another 5 months or so….

I am on a marriage board…..I have been for 15 years.  And over and over and over again we see women who tell their husbands she needs to separate and since the husband wants to do all he can to keep her happy meekly moves out of the home and the next thing you know she has moved another guy in and the husband is completely blindsided and sees his kids a few hours a week and pays big cs.  We even had a BIG thread at the top of the board that said, ‘men don’t leave your home!’ 
 

This son does not listen to advice though.  He never really has. So we did not say too much.  He was on the verge of tears the entire time….as was Dh.

 

[Indigo Blue]

Scarlett, I’m so, so sorry. I wish I had some good advice. 

[lmrich]

So sorry. I know you must be so tired so get some rest and some sunshine this weekend. Take care❤️

[Scarlett]

I thought of @stephanier.1765 last night.  LOL.  He was only there a few hours and there were 3 and sometimes 4 adults.....but it was EXHAUSTING!  He isn't quite walking, but very mobile.  Dh and I gave him a bath before dss left with him.  

[Scarlett]

I was thinking about them as a couple....and her specifically.  The first time I met her was at their wedding.  And she was pregnant.  I remember feeling that she was disrespectful to dss....but I chalked it up to she was nervous and that I didn't know her.  Over the last 1 1/2 years since, we have been around them maybe 4 times.  She was always  correcting him and such.  And always setting boundaries for every one else.......to the extreme IMO.  Not letting us see the baby for 4 months after his birth.  Posting all of these stupid memes setting everyone straight all. of. the time.  

So I figure she is an unhappy person and as we know unhappy people make terrible marriage mates.  So I don't know what to even tell him.  She cheated on him even before they got married so now it seems we have a pattern of behavior.  He said last night that he has offered marriage counseling, but she doesn't want to.  So what do you do with that?  

SHM.

[Kassia]

What a mess, @Scarlett  I'm sorry - that is so stressful.  Especially with a child involved.