Thanks

[Drama Llama]

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Edited September 5, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Carrie12345]

No advice, just big hugs.

[freesia]

A woman I once knew who had lost 2 would say,”I’m the mother of 3.”  If it was appropriate to the situation she would add that two were in heaven waiting for her or only one is with me now. That might be too heavy for the situation, but it is true.  If the friendships develop, they’ll know the whole story and no one will think twice.  

((Hugs)) as you navigate this. I would have frozen, too. 

[wathe]

Aw, that's hard. 

I'm guessing that you want something that's truthful, honours all of your children, isn't misleading, and maybe signals that this topic isn't safe for small talk with strangers.  I can't think of a phrase that does it all.

 

 

 

[Danae]

I think you will handle it better next time,  because you’ll be expecting it and can have an answer prepared.

”Three” is a perfectly fine answer, especially for people you’re unlikely to see again.  If these are people you’re going to interact with a lot who might be confused later I personally would choose to be upfront and say something like “It’s hard to know how to answer that just now, because my middle son died last December.”  

[busymama7]

I lost a baby at birth and also a brother in childhood.   I watched my parents growing up so had some reference.  In passing conversations, like the grocery store or something I say 9 which is the amount living.  If I am meeting someone for the first time and I will have other interactions with them then I always say 10 with 9 living or 10 but one of our daughters died at birth. Something like that. It's part of our family's story and something I don't want to come up later or be weird or awkward.   

I am sorry for your loss. These questions are so hard.   You will find with practice and once you've decided what to say that it gets easier.  

[Junie]

Hugs.  I am so sorry.

I walked into this one time when I was being introduced to someone.  And I knew as soon as I said the words, "How many children do you have?" that I had said the wrong thing.  Well, not the wrong thing.  I don't blame myself for what I didn't know.   I mean, it's kind of an ice-breaker question, especially at homeschool meet-ups. 

The woman's face went pale and she started crying and she had this shocked expression on her face.  She turned to the woman who was introducing us (a friend of both of ours), and our friend said something like "Go ahead and tell her."  The woman answered that she had one here and one in heaven.  What I did not know is that one of her children had recently died in a car accident. 😞

 

[Drama Llama]

. . .

Edited October 27, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Katy]

I have a friend who lost a son who decided to always include him in the count.  It’s been 11 years.

[mom2scouts]

I'm sorry. I know it's hard to find a good way to answer that question. I always said, "I have X living children." This was a way for me to acknowledge the children I lost while not having to explain more about the missing. You could also say "...and one in heaven" or include all your children and worry later about whether you'll need to explain further at some point.

[ktgrok]

I think it is fine to say, X number, but one passed away (include time frame if you wish). 

 

[Murphy101]

You could say  “I have x living children”.  That way you don’t feel like you are forgetting anyone but also don’t have to get into details with people.

[Spryte]

Just sending big hugs.

I think any answer you give is fine, and if you change and evolve how to answer that question over time - that’s fine and normal, too. Maybe some of the good suggestions here will give a scripted answer to have in mind, until you find what works best for you.

More hugs.

[TheReader]

Just hugs, because I have no idea what to say, or how awful that must feel, or.....anything helpful at all, but I can imagine the pain and wanted to acknowledge it. (((((hugs))))))

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

[HS Mom in NC]

My grandparents would say, "We have one surviving child/child who lived." Anna died at 3 days old.

You can choose to answer based on context if you like.  If you really don't want to have to deal with peoples' reactions to an answer they didn't consider you can give them the number that accomplishes that.  How the siblings react is another matter, so you'll have to factor that in too. 

It's more important that you prioritize yourself and your kids. Other people might be emotionally uncomfortable, but that pales in comparison to emotional needs of the grieving family members of the child who died.

[fairfarmhand]

I know several people who have lost children. They answer including the deceased child because that was their child. Sometimes they answer with I’m information that one child is in heaven but not always. So my friend would say she has five living and one in heaven. 

[Rosie_0801]

I seemed to have finally trained myself to say "Oh, that's a difficult question," because the answer is 1, 2 or 0 depending on the context.

[Kassia]

2 hours ago, TheReader said:

Just hugs, because I have no idea what to say, or how awful that must feel, or.....anything helpful at all, but I can imagine the pain and wanted to acknowledge it. (((((hugs))))))

This expresses my feelings.  Big hugs to you.  

[NewnameC]

I agree with the suggestions you have been given. It will never be an easy question to answer, but having prepared answers will help.

Which answer you give could easily depend on the situation, a random stranger who you talk to while waiting somewhere is different than someone who you will be crossing paths with frequently.

I think the original post mentioned this happened in a school setting. In such a situation, I have friends who basically avoid answering the exact question. They would say, “Billy is in 6th grade here and Susie is in 9th Blah Blah High School.”

I would also talk to your sons about how they want to answer the (sibling) question when they are asked. And to talk about their thoughts on how mom/dad could answer the number of children question. And whether the answer could/should change on the setting. 

everyone in your family may not agree on how to answer thr questions, but I think hearing everyone’s opinions is always a good approach. 

 

 

[Drama Llama]

. . .

Edited October 27, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Hilltopmom]

For me, it depends on the context of who is asking…

casual question in a group or when I introduce myself to my students  I usually say 4 because if I say 5 then they ask ages and then realize I left one out & then I have to explain 

closer friend thing- I may say we had 5, one passed away a few years ago at age 9 after a long illness 

Its still a tough question every time and it’s been 5 years. 
 

My mom had a child who died as an infant & she still struggles at times when asked, I’ve noticed.

[Danae]

48 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

So, if including my middle child in the count is seen as honoring him, does that mean that if I don’t acknowledge him I am dishonoring him?

Obviously, this was an event for my kid’s class so the right thing is to defer to his wishes and he does want his brother acknowledged, so at school I will do that.  But to be honest, what I wanted to say was “He has an older brother starting in 8th” and not feel people’s pity, and know that my precious child is now the subject of the gossip mill.

I get the feeling that people here would agree with my youngest that this was a betrayal.

No, the bold would not be dishonoring him.  The person asking is thinking of the current make-up of your family, not asking you to parse the grammar of relationships beyond death.  It’s okay to answer that way.  

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, BaseballandHockey said:

So, if including my middle child in the count is seen as honoring him, does that mean that if I don’t acknowledge him I am dishonoring him?

Obviously, this was an event for my kid’s class so the right thing is to defer to his wishes and he does want his brother acknowledged, so at school I will do that.  But to be honest, what I wanted to say was “He has an older brother starting in 8th” and not feel people’s pity, and know that my precious child is now the subject of the gossip mill.

I get the feeling that people here would agree with my youngest that this was a betrayal.

I don't think it's a betrayal particularly when it's not in a situation where you are seeking friendship or close relationship. So like chit chat situations...no need to share that. 

I think it's ok to explain to your ds that the topic is so painful that *right now* you don't feel up to explaining it all to someone new when you're just giving general non-intimate information to acquaintances. You don't want the pity, the gossip, the speculation...and you are still at the point where someone accidentally expressing some sort of sympathy could set off an embarrassing bawling episode. So it's not that you don't consider your middle ds as your kid, but more that for the purpose of the conversation (generic info about basic family chit chat) you are not up to sharing that loss right now. In the future it may be different.

[freesia]

No, I don’t see it as a betrayal at all. I just wanted to let you know acknowledging him with or without explaining is not being dishonest ( which is what I would be wondering.) 

I do think you should see how your dc want you to handle it in their spaces. 

[Spryte]

I think this is your story to tell, or not tell, and you can adjust as often as you need. There aren’t any right answers, and it’s ok to just convey the current make-up of your family (that’s not dishonoring anyone), or to share more, depending on what feels right in the moment. And what you say to one person doesn’t have to match what you say to another. It’s ok. If you want to share more with that person later, or another time, I think that’s fine, too.

Not even close to the same, but to share: I don’t always answer the same, and it’s never been an issue. Sometimes people are asking something like, “how many kids with activities are you juggling?” I have a 30 yr old DSS. I raised him, he’s mine, but he’s been out of the house for a long time. There are times I say that we have three, times I say we have “two at home,” and sometimes I feel like I don’t want to go into details, and I’m never going to see this person again, so I just say we have two. I love my DSS, and it’s not a betrayal (I struggled with that, at first) it’s just me getting through the day as best I can, sometimes I don’t want to deal with the inevitable, sometimes awkward, conversation or small talk that follows. (I would have had to have had him very young, there’s always a reaction - sigh - and the rumor mill churns.) Not the same, I know. But maybe you need “permission” to just say what works in the moment? (I did.) We don’t have to share our details with everyone, we just don’t. 
 

Let me know if this is too detailed, I can delete some for privacy reasons.

ETA: I like the idea of talking to your DC about how they want to handle it, too. Hugs.

 

Edited September 6, 2021 by Spryte

[Junie]

2 hours ago, BaseballandHockey said:

 

No, I don't see it as a betrayal.

I see it as a question with more than one correct answer.

I think a conversation with your sons about different responses would be helpful.

For instance:

If someone behind me in line notices a huge cart of groceries (assuming that I'm actually shopping in a store) the question for me needs the answer 4 because 2 of my kids are in college and I'm not feeding them right now.

If someone is looking for a seat in church and wondering if there is extra room for them to sit in my pew, the answer is going to be however many kids I am expecting to sit with me that day.

The question is complicated because there is often a hidden reason for asking the question that influences the answer.

[Katy]

It’s not a betrayal.  It’s not even a lie.  The question is present tense, so it’s fine for your answer to be present tense.

[Drama Llama]

. . .

Edited October 27, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[NewnameC]

6 hours ago, BaseballandHockey said:

So, if including my middle child in the count is seen as honoring him, does that mean that if I don’t acknowledge him I am dishonoring him?

Obviously, this was an event for my kid’s class so the right thing is to defer to his wishes and he does want his brother acknowledged, so at school I will do that.  But to be honest, what I wanted to say was “He has an older brother starting in 8th” and not feel people’s pity, and know that my precious child is now the subject of the gossip mill.

I get the feeling that people here would agree with my youngest that this was a betrayal.

I went back and re-read everyone’s replies and I do not think people see anything you did/said as a betrayal. 
 

Someone mentioned telling your son that, right now, it is hard for you to talk about his brother with strangers, and I agree that you have every right to do that if you wish. However, part of me wonders, if your son “needed” (I don’t know the right verbs) for you to be the one who “introduced” his deceased brother to the class/school. Everyone on this thread has said how hard that question is to answered for mother’s who have had a child die, and from my experience the same can be true for siblings.
 

Plus, sometimes  kids can be weird/cruel/blunt. When one kid we know told a new classmate that his sibling had died (in the past), the new classmate responded, “No she didn’t.” How does a grieving kid reply to that? (That kid was younger than your kids, and I’m sure that played into that response.)
 

 

[fairfarmhand]

2 hours ago, BaseballandHockey said:

I didn’t cry, I held it together.  I did tell my youngest that he can’t do to my oldest what he did to me, including his brother in the count, in the present tense, and then disappearing before the questions start.  That doesn’t seem fair.

Oh I didn't mean that you did. I just mean that in the present time when your emotions are all over the place a well meaning comment could easily send you over the edge depending on how you are doing that day. 

And yes, you are right to point that out to your ds.

[Drama Llama]

. . .

Edited October 27, 2021 by BaseballandHockey