leaving an abusive partner - tips

[gardenmom5]

This was shared to an abuse survivors page to which I belong.  Since the subject comes up, I thought I'd share this.  there are things I've never previously seen mentioned.  - I believe the poster is Canadian, and a few things will probably be Canada specific, but there might be something similar in other countries.
 

Here is some information that I shared on my fb page before and it came up in my memories recently. An admin asked me to share this info with the group. Not everything with be applicable to every situation, but please take what you need. Knowledge is powerful. 

This is for anyone currently questioning if they should leave their abusive partner.

How to safely plan to leave an abusive relationship;

Banking;

- Open a new bank account with a new bank, ensure that statements are online only and to a new email address that isn't linked to your phone.

- Pick up the card from the bank and hide it well. Amongst the abusers things is usually safe, as they won't go looking there. Otherwise under the sole insert in a shoe, unused board game, at work, there are many places. But if you live with an abuser, I am sure you have a good hiding spot already.

- Do not download the banking app to your phone!

Start putting what you can in that account. Any birthday money from friends or family, an unnoticeable amount from your wage (talk to work/centrelink), don't transfer to this account yourself. And any change you find around the house - a 600ml bottle of coke full of 2 dollar coins will save $1000

- Cba will give you 1k to escape dv, but only if you are a customer. If you are not already, set up your account there.

- If you have debit/credit cards, report them stolen so the abuser can't access them once new numbers are provided.

- Finances to rely on are a must to ensure you don't break and run back to fake promises.

Phone;

Buy a cheap phone for under $50 and a spare sim, set that up and hide it, fully charged. You will need this when you turn your main one off to ensure he can't contact or track you.

Possessions;

- Start sending important things that won't be noticed missing to loved ones, work or storage. Things like photos, jewellery, ID, passport etc and not all at once, this is over time.

- For any clothes you can't carry in a bag, but you want to keep. Do a “clean out”, say you are donating them and get them somewhere safe.

- If you can, start selling things worth value that you don't need and will not be noticed as missing, put that money in your new account.

Work;

- If you work, tell your boss what is happening so that they can be understanding for when the time comes, and also so the abuser can't sweet talk information out of your colleagues.

- Some workplaces provide DV leave, or you could take it under compassionate leave.

- If you work for a corporation, ask for a transfer.

- If not, have your working hours randomized for a while to ensure you don't have a continuous or steady work schedule.

Centrelink;

Let centrelink know of your plans and fill out any necessary paperwork required for your future change of circumstances. If you are moving to single parent payments, get the ball rolling as it can take a few weeks to finalise on their end. And make sure all correspondence is sent to your new secret email address.

Family and friends;

You may have lost some by this point, but that doesn't mean that they won't try and help you. Reach out, help is necessary, especially if kids are involved.

Housing;

- If you are currently on a lease, talk to the agent privately as they can help you getting off it.

- Start looking for somewhere once you know you are almost ready, the first agent may be able to help with this.

- Find donation groups to help you set up. If you put it out to Facebook, have someone else act for you, otherwise it will be an easy way for the abuser to track you.

- Talk to churches, salvos, anyone that helps in this instance. If you have children, you will be fast tracked.

- Move in with family or friends

- Talk to a refuge if the above options won't work

DO NOT LOSE FOCUS, you are much closer to freedom than you think.

Police;

Let the police know of your plan in case something goes wrong. They can also help you get the remainder of your things at a later date.

Also file for a dvo but don't have it put in place until you are out and safe!

Kids;

- If you have kids, you either take them with you at the time, or have someone you trust to do it.

- If they are at school, you need to let the school know in advance so that the abuser can't collect them from there, ever.

- You also need to get them out of that school early and not keep to your normal routine.

- Change schools if you need to.

- This advice includes preschool

Animals;

If you have pets talk to your local RSPCA or Re homing group as they will find a free foster carer to care for you animals until you are settled.

Planning your escape date;

Find a day that the abuser will be away for a few hours. Be nice leading up to the event, plan the weekend, dinner etc. This will keep the abusers paranoia low, they will think they have you right where they want you.

Packing;

Don't pack unnecessary crap!

You don't need more than one brush, you don't need your toiletries - they can all be replaced.

ESSENTIALS ONLY! Bags are heavy.

You want to be hours ahead before the abuser realises what's happened.

Do not linger, that home is not your happy place GTFO.

Leaving;

By now you should have money in your accounts and a new phone. Your kids and pets organised, your irreplaceable belongings should be safe elsewhere, and you should know exactly where you are headed once you close the door on this chapter of your life.

Once you are out;

- Change all internet banking passwords

- Change all social passwords

- Change all the email addresses linked to your social accounts to the secret one you set up

- Change PayPal passwords etc

- Block on all social media

- Block the abusers number

- Turn that phone off and turn on the spare phone

- Contact anyone you need to from the new phone and keep your number on private

- Change your name on social media along with your profile picture (something generic)

- Block anyone who is friends with both of you

- Get a PO Box and get your mail redirected

The abuser is the most dangerous when they realise they have lost control of their possession (you).

Changing all of your social media settings and names is a must, as it is too easy to find anyone these days. If the abuser still finds you, close down all accounts (even temporarily), you can start fresh ones.

The abuser will try anything and everything, even suicide threats to get your attention. Do not fall for the games as the abuser is just craving any information on your whereabouts to feel like they are gaining some control back.

It is vital that you cease all contact until you are strong enough to not believe the bullshit that the abuser will use to lure you back. And you know it is bullshit, do not sprinkle glitter on your feelings. You are worth more than that!

Feel free to copy and paste, this information could help someone you know or love one day

[bolt.]

That's all good info!

(I don't think it's Canadian. We don't use the word "refuge" or have an "RSPCA" and I don't know what some of the other terms refer to. I'm guessing maybe UK, or Australia / New Zealand might be the source.)

[Arcadia]

24 minutes ago, bolt. said:

That's all good info!

(I don't think it's Canadian. We don't use the word "refuge" or have an "RSPCA" and I don't know what some of the other terms refer to. I'm guessing maybe UK, or Australia / New Zealand might be the source.)

Centrelink is Australia 

https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/individuals/centrelink

My late uncle is abusive. The same info is also useful for kids of abusive parent. My classmates had to do similar for abusive and controlling parents. 

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, bolt. said:

That's all good info!

(I don't think it's Canadian. We don't use the word "refuge" or have an "RSPCA" and I don't know what some of the other terms refer to. I'm guessing maybe UK, or Australia / New Zealand might be the source.)

UK doesn't use dollars $.   My next guess would be A/NZ.

45 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

Centrelink is Australia 

https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/individuals/centrelink

My late uncle is abusive. The same info is also useful for kids of abusive parent. My classmates had to do similar for abusive and controlling parents. 

I'm so sorry.

[prairiewindmomma]

Four more important things:

1. Don’t necessarily trust friends and family to not disclose your new location. I had more than one client get outed by people who didn’t believe partner was “as bad as he said he was” and it was “wrong to keep the kids from their dad”. In normal divorces—sure. Abuse? Follow legal advice, but different rules apply. 

2. Get your legal paperwork in order, particularly if you are leaving with children.

3. Get all of your identification documentation in order—in the US particularly your social security card and DL as it is a nightmare to reorder right now with covid.

4. set up a post office box to receive mail. One with a street address, like UPS, is preferred.

[Catwoman]

@gardenmom5 — Thank you for posting this, Kristen, and also thanks to @prairiewindmomma for the additional tips! There were several things mentioned that wouldn’t have occurred to me, and I will try to remember them for the next time someone posts here looking for advice on how to escape an abusive relationship. 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

3 hours ago, bolt. said:

That's all good info!

(I don't think it's Canadian. We don't use the word "refuge" or have an "RSPCA" and I don't know what some of the other terms refer to. I'm guessing maybe UK, or Australia / New Zealand might be the source.)

There are a few things that lead me to think it's Australian - two dollar coins, Centrelink, CBA (Commonwealth Bank of Australia), Salvos, RSPCA.

[elegantlion]

A few other things to keep in mind, even if you're not at the point of needing to flee, but especially if financial abuse is part of the picture.

1. pull your credit report - there are avenues to keep track of that, credit karma is one. 

2. know exactly what assets and debts are in the household. Know what is jointly owned and how your state laws view property. 

3. If you owe the IRS money jointly, understand your options. 

4. try to change address on any mailings via the Internet, don't rely on USPS change of address forms - I've seen them mess up household vs individual addresses more than once. 

5. Document, document, document conversations and incidents of abuse

 

 

Edited September 5, 2021 by elegantlion
removed personal information

[purpleowl]

Regarding the advice to tell the school that the abuser cannot pick them up: I believe that schools (in the US at least) cannot stop a child's parent from picking up the child without a court order.