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I feel dumb.


MercyA
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Does anyone else have a phobia of getting up in front of large groups of people? I just asked my pastor to do something for me that I was supposed to do because I was dreading going up on the platform at church. He was very understanding but I feel a little foolish about it. 

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I hate it.  I feel like I'm going to get sick, and the feelings of being the little, super shy kid who lisped come back to haunt me every time.  And I've headed committees and whatnot where I've had to be up in front.  It's always an ordeal, no matter how small the task.

I took a speech class this summer.  The teacher piled on the stress by not being clear with expectations, but I also managed the only A.  I gave my final speech last out of our group and the teacher started questioning on how I prepare.  So I told them.  5-6 times a day, reading my speech.  Then practicing messing up and recovering.  Then adding in the timing and rubric requirements beyond that.  A 2 minute task could have hours of prep just so I can stand up there without turning bright red and stammering.

 

Yet, I love theatre.  I love acting.  When I'm someone else, on stage with lights, I don't see or care about the audience.  I'm not me, feeling awkward and everyone's intensive stares. I'm someone else.

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I hate talking in front of large groups. Not enough that I'll ask someone else to do it but I will avoid it at all costs and be anxious about it until it is over. When I was doing it regularly, I did get used to it to the point where the anxiety was just for the day before and day of

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I think most of us can relate!  I won't even become a church member because I don't want to be volunteered for anything that would involve talking to people I'm not super comfortable with.

I've had to do "public speaking" various times for my job or school.  I think there were two times it actually went well.  The other 9,000 times were horrible.  😛

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I hate it as well, I guess I don't like being the center of attention.  If I were in a group of my friends and asked a question, when all eyes are on me, I get flustered.  But I have no problem in front of kids as far as being their teacher, go figure!

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I find public speaking to be a nightmare, but a weird one. The idea itself doesn’t bother me, so there were times when I was 100% a-okay and then, the second I started, my whole body would flush and my adrenaline would be insane, despite not having any conscious worries. NOW I worry in advance because I know what happens to me, and my “performances “ are even worse than they were. 

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Don't feel bad!  It really is a wiring thing!

I **love** public speaking!  I would rather speak in front of a thousand people than to one person. 

I work on handling one-on-one because people expect people to be able to chat but I continue to have anxiety about it and have to use techniques to get through it.  

My late mom was the best person I've ever known.  She ran Sunday School but any announcements or presentations she ask others to do it.  She served her church in a million ways but *never* read the lessons up front.  On the other hand I grew up seeing her one-on-one serving individuals including especially profoundly handicapped kids and fellow cancer patients.  I am still in awe of that because I can't naturally do that.

I took after her in other ways and watched her as I grew up and still one-on-one is so hard, nearly impossible for me.

I'm so grateful we're all so differently gifted!

(hugs)

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My goodness. You are not dumb!

Did you know that the #1 fear is public speaking! It is even more feared than death. In other words, there are more people like you than not.
 

If you want, I can go into a long explanation about why it is such a big fear, the effects on the nervous system, the root causes, etc. But basically, it is your survival mechanism kicking in and keeping you safe from becoming an outcast. 

Big hugs! Don't beat yourself up.
 

 

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I can’t do it. I get shaky and hot and I feel like I’m going to black out. My vision gets blurry and I can’t think at all.  I had to give a speech at a friends wedding a few years ago and I could barely sleep for days beforehand, I was dreading it so much. Even thinking about talking in front of people is making my blood pressure go up (or at least it feels like it is). 
 

Public speaking is to be Avoided At All Costs for me. Please know you’re not alone! 

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5 hours ago, SKL said:

I've had to do "public speaking" various times for my job or school.  I think there were two times it actually went well.  The other 9,000 times were horrible.  😛

I am willing to bet they did not go as badly as you think!! We are our own harshest critics sometimes.

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4 hours ago, ***** said:

I hate it as well, I guess I don't like being the center of attention.  If I were in a group of my friends and asked a question, when all eyes are on me, I get flustered.  But I have no problem in front of kids as far as being their teacher, go figure!

Same! 😊

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4 hours ago, marbel said:

I did love that job, but once it ended I went back to being afraid again. 

Yes, there have been times in my life when I've had to do public speaking occasionally. I got over my anxiety to an extent and did reasonably well, but now that I haven't done it in a long time I feel like I *just can't.* The thought is almost nightmarish! 

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3 hours ago, fraidycat said:

If you want, I can go into a long explanation about why it is such a big fear, the effects on the nervous system, the root causes, etc. But basically, it is your survival mechanism kicking in and keeping you safe from becoming an outcast. 

This actually sounds super interesting to me! If you have a chance and it isn't a bother, I'd love to hear more about this.

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Thank you all SO, SO much for your commiseration and encouragement and hugs! They helped so much.

I feel like rationally this should be no big deal and I actually had a friend use the phrase "put your big girl panties on" but honestly I just wasn't up to making myself do it this time. I am hardly ever in the church service (I usually just teach Sunday School and then do home church with my parents, DH, and DD) and I didn't want to dread it.

Edited by MercyA
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1 hour ago, MercyA said:

I actually had a friend use the phrase "put your big girl panties on"

I've "put my big girl panties on" and done performances (dance/musical instrument is my big phobia in this arena). I would perform fine (even smile through the whole thing) but, if you see me after the performance you'd realize there were tears streaming down my face and I'm shaking. Then to make things worse people would come up to me afterwards and try to "make me feel better". All I want is for them to leave me alone.

I think some people just can't see beyond themselves as to how things that might be a minor inconvenience to them could be more for someone else.  

I have less fear if it's more of a sharing knowledge thing rather than a performance. It doesn't make sense because it's a phobia.

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18 hours ago, TheReader said:

I do not, but I've always thought this is a super, super, super common thing, hence the whole "picture them in their underwear" advice, it's referenced all the time in movies/tv shows, etc.....? 

I imagine there are lots and lots and lots of people with this fear/phobia.  

 

Lol… the trouble with this is as soon as I start thinking about underwear I start stressing that mine might be showing in front of everyone!

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I hate being in groups that are going around introducing ourselves.  As it gets closer and closer to me I start sweating and tingling but then the worst thing is that I have a quiet voice, and I just get even quieter when it's my turn, so naturally people will say "Speak up!" and I literally can't - I've sometimes thought I have hearing problems because my voice sounds so loud in my head but apparently is not.  When I speak at public hearings for stuff in town, I write down what I want to say complete with pause or emphasize and just go on auto-pilot.

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No, I can speak in front of large groups of people on a topic I know about with no problem, including on the spur of the moment without notice.  I've done it planned and unplanned several times.

I have however, played an instrument in front of people and had the music changed at the last minute to a piece we had never practiced together before, although we were all individually somewhat familiar with it and had the skill level to sight read it.  When it was done I immediately left for the bathroom where I was shaking and vomiting. So I do think your situation is very relatable to most people in some aspect of their lives.

I think the underwear thing is very bad advice.  No, I don't feel comfortable in any way imagining people in their underwear-that's a total creep move. Imagine if someone said to you, "I was imagining you in your underwear...." Yeah, stop telling people to do this.

Edited by Homeschool Mom in AZ
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6 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Lol… the trouble with this is as soon as I start thinking about underwear I start stressing that mine might be showing in front of everyone!

It's easier for me to look for the kind face, or pick only talking to people in blue shirts, or finding the children....I ignore much of the room at first and look for each of those in the sections as I move my gaze around.  My speaking is much less nervous when I'm talking to a child in the room.

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Ok, I'm back.

Historically speaking, there has always been more safety in numbers. When humans lived a more primitive existence, being cast out from the group for any reason meant almost certain death due to the loss of protection from predators or other groups who viewed strangers as dangerous, or possible starvation due to lack of pooled resources. It is very important to us to belong and our amygdala does everything in it's power to warn us and keep us safe from anything that threatens that sense of belonging.

Public speaking is getting up in front a large group and being vulnerable to "attack" through judgement, ridicule, scorn, etc. IOW, it threatens that sense of belonging. Not logically, but emotionally-physically, because emotions are physical, not logical. For many people the root cause of this fear can be traced back to childhood when they had to get up in front of the class to do a presentation and someone laughed at them making a mistake or tripping over their words. For others it is simply the instinctual and ingrained fear of judgement that any mistake might get them "cast out".

Most people here have probably experienced anxiety and physical stress due to the anticipation of something. The threat does not need to be in real time for your body to react to it. Again, this is part of the ancient instinctual survival mechanism. Whether you think you see a shadow in the bushes or your really see a shadow in the bushes isn't the point. The point is that any shadow in the bushes means danger - you don't have to think about it, your body will automatically kick in to Fight, Flight, or Freeze - survival mode. The physical nervous system is automatically activated because its one and only job is keeping you safe and alive. Heart rate speeds up, organs that are not necessary for immediate survival get slowed down or deactivated (digestion, frontal lobe thinking part of the  brain, etc.). All of your resources get re-directed to survival  needs - limbs for running or fighting, hormones like adrenaline and cortisol start pumping out to help you run faster and fight harder, eyes to see better in dark and shadowy conditions. This is why everyone experiences loss of cognitive function (brain fog) and many experience gut issues during stressful times - they are deemed not important. It is also why being in a constant state of stress means having high cortisol levels, which contributes to belly fat that it almost impossible to get rid of - belly fat protects your organs from physical attack. But, I digress. The point is that there is a mind-body connection that thoughts can trigger stress, and stress can trigger thoughts.

There are many layers of protection built in. The feeling of dread that you experienced was your body protecting you from triggering an even larger reaction like I described above. It was not just a thought, it was an actual feeling in your body - most likely tension in your jaw, back, shoulder, and chest area that felt like it was "holding you back and weighing you down" or almost like "slogging through quicksand" at the thought of having to speak to the crowd. It was your initial warning bell that danger lies ahead and your safety depends on you heeding that warning. This is the heightened awareness stage.

So, there is nothing logical about it. It's all chemicals and hormones. But, you can use techniques to retrain your body to not "over"-react to things that you do logically know are not real threats to your survival. Breath Work, meditation, EFT, CBT, etc. can help you to downregulate the nervous system stress response to operate at a more homeostatic level more often, which can allow you to stretch your comfort zone to doing tasks and activities that you currently avoid if that is something that you choose to do.

 

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