Special Needs Adult and Playdates with Kids

[Plagefille]

A special needs adult has been wanting to have playdates with my preteen aged DD. This person has had a few playdates with my DD's friend and came to our house once when the friend was here. Ever since, the Special Needs Adult has been calling and texting regularly wanting to play. I am uncomfortable with it, but I can't really explain why.

I have know this special needs adult since she was an early teen. She lives nearby and attended my church as a teen. When I first met her I didn't realize she had special needs. I at first thought was was just a bit odd. I did work with the youth at church when she was a teen, and I was never told of her having any particular special need, just anxiety. But if would have to guess, I would say she may have aspergers or something like that. She got along fine at all the teen activities back then. 

She is now in her early twenties and when I saw her a couple weeks ago it seemed like she had regressed a little. 

Anyway, I am uncomfortable with the playdates, but my husband doesn't seem to think it is a big deal. What does everyone else think? How would you handle it? And if we don't do playdates, how do I tell her kindly in a way she would understand?

[hippymamato3]

"I'm not comfortable with DD having playdates with an adult, so we are going to pass." 

[Bootsie]

What is your daughter's interest in participating in any activities with this person? I ask because there was a late-teens special needs person who wanted to play with my younger sister, but my sister was beyond the point of wanting to "play" and wanted to participate in activities that were cognitively beyond the special needs person.

If your family is open to welcoming this person, I would invite the person to be a guest at family activities--a dinner, an outdoor bbq, a trip to the park, a movie.  That way there is a structured multi-generatioanl activity and not so much of a "play date" 

[Lecka]

You can pay attention to your intuition even if you can’t identify something specific.  
 

Edit:  this is from a book called The Gift of Fear (I am pretty sure).

It is saying — we are raised to be polite and not make people feel bad, but if we have a bad feeling, we are allowed to listen to our intuition.  It does not mean it’s rude.  And it might protect us from a bad situation.  

Edited August 26, 2021 by Lecka

[Drama Llama]

I wouldn’t let my child have a “play date” with an adult, regardless of disability.  However, I do want my kids to have relationships with adults with disabilities, and I do want to be inclusive.  In your shoes, I would tell her that you don’t allow your child to have play dates with adults, and then suggest an age appropriate way for her to interact with your family, such as coming over for dinner, or a board game night, or joining you for an adult or mixed age event at church, or joining your family for an outing.

Covid doesn’t help his of course.

[PeterPan]

We had this happen, where someone (of the same gender) with disabilities who was significantly older than my dd would call and be friendly. It's just me, but I think it's a fine line. I knew the girl was lonely and I wanted to teach love and respect for everyone, not just those who look like us or whatever. So if the girl called and my dd was actually available, I would hand dd the phone to chat for a few minutes, knowing that dd had the conversation skills to extract herself politely after a few minutes. I did *not* organize any get togethers. 

Happily, that girl married and found, with time, her own niche. I would not organize playdates because the SN adult needs the chance to find her own place in the world in her new situation. It's an unnecessary obligation to compel your dd to be with her. If they're together naturally for a shared social engagement, then it's natural to interact. I would just do what is natural and not go beyond. 

Is there any gap in provision of social services for the SN adult? I was worried for a bit, realizing our person was lonely, and then as I inquired it became obvious that she had people looking out for her and pointing the way and that it was just going to take time. 

[PeterPan]

1 hour ago, BaseballandHockey said:

such as coming over for dinner

So fwiw, if I had done that in our situation, *I* would have become the new friend! Sometimes when dd wasn't home, the SN adult would then ask to talk with me. And while I was happy to chat briefly, it wasn't really where I was at the time to be more involved. So you do need to think through carefully how it will be interpreted. If you want the relationship, have the person over. If you don't, don't. 

[Drama Llama]

5 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

So fwiw, if I had done that in our situation, *I* would have become the new friend! Sometimes when dd wasn't home, the SN adult would then ask to talk with me. And while I was happy to chat briefly, it wasn't really where I was at the time to be more involved. So you do need to think through carefully how it will be interpreted. If you want the relationship, have the person over. If you don't, don't. 

That would be my intention, adults make friends with adults.  So if my goal is either to alleviate this person’s loneliness, or to have more diversity in my circle, then I would intentionally make friends with them. 

Edited August 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey
Grammar

[Dmmetler]

At one of the child care programs I worked at, we had adults with developmental disabilities who would spend a few hours a week with an adopted class, playing games and doing activities with the class. Typically, their functioning level was enough above the kids that they essentially functioned as an older sibling would, and were able to take a leadership role.  The participants got training and support, and would come in with planned things to do. They also helped us with materials preparation. It was kind of like the way child care programs work when they're within an Eden Alternative type program, but with younger adults with developmental disabilities vs senior citizens. 

 

 

[Drama Llama]

11 minutes ago, Dmmetler said:

At one of the child care programs I worked at, we had adults with developmental disabilities who would spend a few hours a week with an adopted class, playing games and doing activities with the class. Typically, their functioning level was enough above the kids that they essentially functioned as an older sibling would, and were able to take a leadership role.  The participants got training and support, and would come in with planned things to do. They also helped us with materials preparation. It was kind of like the way child care programs work when they're within an Eden Alternative type program, but with younger adults with developmental disabilities vs senior citizens. 

 

 

That’s a great way for someone who likes to interact with children to get that experience, because volunteering is an adult role.

[Dmmetler]

50 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

That’s a great way for someone who likes to interact with children to get that experience, because volunteering is an adult role.

It's also a real blessing for the programs. Because honestly, one thing that there never are enough adults for is to listen and just talk to kids and provide the level of interaction needed-and one thing the adults with developmental challenges were often better at than we were was being genuinely enthusiastic about the kids' interests. And the kids benefit, too. 

[Drama Llama]

10 minutes ago, Dmmetler said:

It's also a real blessing for the programs. Because honestly, one thing that there never are enough adults for is to listen and just talk to kids and provide the level of interaction needed-and one thing the adults with developmental challenges were often better at than we were was being genuinely enthusiastic about the kids' interests. And the kids benefit, too. 

Yep, and some kid in that room is growing up to be an employer, or a parent, or a neighbor, or a teacher or a medical provider to someone with IDD and they’ll carry that experience with them, even if they don’t remember it, and it will make a difference.

[Plagefille]

Thank you for all the thoughtful replies. There are some good ideas. I do think she is lonely. I think her family members (based on what I see on SM) are all off doing their own things and not home much. I will discuss the ideas with my husband and see what he thinks. 

[SKL]

My kids' ex-nanny has a special needs adult daughter who has had many experiences with my kids over the years.  They are always supervised by the adult's mother though.  She is the person who knows the young woman's needs and capabilities.

AFAIK my kids generally enjoy their time with the young adult, and they have learned the right way to deal with individuals with differences.  In fact, they didn't even realize the young woman had differences until they were around 8 or 10.

[Carrie12345]

I like the idea of an invitation to family dinner/game night.

I can’t think of any specific advice beyond that because of the description. I know it’s only thrown out there as a possibility, but I do have a young(ish) adult with asperger’s. As a kid, he was definitely more interested in hanging out with younger or older people rather than his age mates most of the time. In his teens, *I was concerned about his friendships with adults. Anyway, he’s a rules/reasons guy. If he were being over exuberant with the phone, he’d respond well to being asked only to call or text x number of times in a given period if that was what was acceptable.  Or “I’ll call you” if you were really going to call at some point. But even “No, I’m not going to be able to get together”, however disappointing, would be fine.

Whatever the special need might actually be, if you want to be a bright spot, making it a family activity takes a lot of pressure off of a preteen who’s still working out what their social responsibilities are. I’m assuming your family is like mine, where everyone is expected to be kind and non-discriminatory, but that boundaries are also important. That’s hard for a young kid to balance on their own.
It can certainly be difficult when you’re not really clear on what needs are involved and there isn’t, or doesn’t seem to be, communication with the other parents for guidance for all parties.