Vent: homeschooling with an elder

[Spryte]

It’s our first day of school.  Yay!  We started at 7:30 (early, because kids were excited), and have been going steady.

DS is one of those people that needs to concentrate.  He can’t be interrupted and easily get back to what he was doing.

It’s 10 now, and my mother finally came downstairs for breakfast. She has interrupted us repeatedly.  Four times.  Literally interrupted DS or me as we were discussing the reading, that kind of thing.  Our patience is wearing thin. His head is on the table, and we are both trying to be polite but aaaaaaghhhhh!

Gaaaah. I had forgotten how frustrating this is! 

 

Edited August 16, 2021 by Spryte
I cannot type on a phone 🤣

[marbel]

Ugh, I'm sorry!

Are you able to sit down with her later and set some rules of engagement during homeschooling hours? I don't know her mental/emotional status (sorry if I've missed backstory?) so am not sure it's possible. But it seems like it being the first day, it's a good time to start, if possible.  

That would be so hard. 

 

[J-rap]

That sounds frustrating...  Looks like you'll need to set some boundaries.  Can you put up a little sign that says "Quiet hours between 8:00 and 11:00 and 1:00 and 3:00 (or something :D)"?    Can you explain it to your mother?  Or is there a different room where you can close the door?

[Spryte]

I need to come up with something.  

She doesn’t have a very consistent schedule, and sort of wanders down for breakfast some time between 9:30 and 12:30.  There’s a lot of “not seeing” her breakfast foods (she’s not a morning person), and I have to sort of chase her around with her meds.  I try to head this off at the pass by having all her stuff ready at the table, but her mental state is such that she still needs guidance and I have to double check about the meds.  That’s fine.  No big deal.

It’s the announcing what she’s doing, and when, and that she is going back upstairs, and that she left her dishes wherever, and just in general narrating her life, commenting on what the kids are doing, or commenting about how quiet she’s being (insert hysterical laughter). … aaagh.  We all have to stop, acknowledge, make small talk each time. 

We had a talk last night, but I’ll try again tonight.  I could potentially move our school stuff to the basement, but it’s not as comfortable, and we have always done school in our living room and breakfast nook.  The stuff is here, you know?  The computer, the books.  The coffee maker!!  (Priorities!) 

We will get back in the groove.  I know this was an issue last year, too, but we must have come to some understanding because it seems like it got easier.

[HomeAgain]

I vote for a different room.  Ds and I are in the laundry alcove this year.  There were some days last year we'd be in his room, moving a little table in there to do school work.

My kid doesn't do well with constant interruptions, and some members of this house are oblivious to how loud and how much they talk their thoughts...😄 or want to share cat videos or Thoughts of Dog.

 

[happi duck]

(hugs)

[Spryte]

Just now, HomeAgain said:

I vote for a different room.  Ds and I are in the laundry alcove this year.  There were some days last year we'd be in his room, moving a little table in there to do school work.

My kid doesn't do well with constant interruptions, and some members of this house are oblivious to how loud and how much they talk their thoughts...😄 or want to share cat videos or Thoughts of Dog.

 

“Talk their thoughts” … That’s it!

Ok.  You’ve convinced me to try switching floors.  After school today, I’m going to attempt to make a school space in the basement.  I can probably make a snack bar down there with a coffeemaker, too.  Kids will need to run upstairs for the bathroom, and we will need to make a plan for their computer classes.  Maybe a laptop and/or we can schedule DS’s computer stuff for when we know my mom won’t be downstairs.

[Slache]

I would ignore her. If she speaks, ignore it, if she's looking for an answer say "We're doing school, we'll talk to you later," if she's lingering tell her to leave.

[catz]

I would definitely sit her down and give her clear school hours boundaries.  

[prairiewindmomma]

If she’s needing follow through on meds, then I wouldn’t try to set boundaries or ignore her. She’s not likely to remember and what she will remember is emotional “rejection” and not why.

Relocate to the basement. Buy a second coffee maker. 🙂 

[Katy]

Set out a tray with her breakfast foods & meds before you head to the basement.  

[Indigo Blue]

I vote basement, too. Yes, set all her things out in the morning.

You can fix the basement space up and have fun making it into a dedicated homeschool area. The snack bar is a good idea. Reading nooks, posters, charts, bookshelves, supplies, etc. 

You can still check on your mom if needed.

[prairiewindmomma]

1 hour ago, Katy said:

Set out a tray with her breakfast foods & meds before you head to the basement.  

And if you are buying a tray to do this, make it “her” color because she is more likely to remember the function if she is tied to the color. Don’t know how far you are down the dementia road, but if you are moderately there, you might consider installing a baby camera or Nest on top of the kitchen cabinet so you can see when she comes down and if she takes her meds without having to run upstairs.

The “narrating the thoughts” is super common, and so is seeking connection without realizing it’s interfering…. You may need to add a mid-morning connection break at a certain time every day if she starts wandering down to say hello. For a while, I had to post a laminated schedule to the fridge. It only works if they can still tell time though, and have enough regulation to stop the impulse to find you. Hopefully being out of sight, out of mind will work out for both of you.

[PeterPan]

2 hours ago, Spryte said:

She doesn’t have a very consistent schedule, and sort of wanders down for breakfast some time between 9:30 and 12:30.  There’s a lot of “not seeing” her breakfast foods (she’s not a morning person), and I have to sort of chase her around with her meds.  I try to head this off at the pass by having all her stuff ready at the table, but her mental state is such that she still needs guidance and I have to double check about the meds.  That’s fine.  No big deal.

She needs a breakfast station in her room, just like in hotels. Her coffee, meds, a refrigerator with her juice, everything. And you make an agreement that she doesn't come down till say 11:30.

1 hour ago, Spryte said:

You’ve convinced me to try switching floors.  

Good, but a door that locks? She still needs to do her premed insanity thing before she comes out. People who need meds should not come out and be with other people till their meds are kicked in. It's just politeness.

2 hours ago, Spryte said:

t’s the announcing what she’s doing, and when, and that she is going back upstairs, and that she left her dishes wherever, and just in general narrating her life,

Is she lonely? Does she have a tv in her room? Many older people like the tv on for noise. If you can put a tv and a comfy chair in her room, she can take her meds, let them kick in, sip her juice, eat toast with pbutter (put that in there too) and she really doesn't need to come out so early. Her room needs to function more like an apartment so she can stay there a bit comfortably.

[Spryte]

17 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

And if you are buying a tray to do this, make it “her” color because she is more likely to remember the function if she is tied to the color. Don’t know how far you are down the dementia road, but if you are moderately there, you might consider installing a baby camera or Nest on top of the kitchen cabinet so you can see when she comes down and if she takes her meds without having to run upstairs.

The “narrating the thoughts” is super common, and so is seeking connection without realizing it’s interfering…. You may need to add a mid-morning connection break at a certain time every day if she starts wandering down to say hello. For a while, I had to post a laminated schedule to the fridge. It only works if they can still tell time though, and have enough regulation to stop the impulse to find you. Hopefully being out of sight, out of mind will work out for both of you.

This is so helpful, thanks!

[PeterPan]

1 hour ago, prairiewindmomma said:

If she’s needing follow through on meds, then I wouldn’t try to set boundaries or ignore her. She’s not likely to remember and what she will remember is emotional “rejection” and not why.

Relocate to the basement. Buy a second coffee maker. 🙂 

If she needs help with meds, what about a preplanned time? Spryte goes up, administers meds, goes back down. If mom's room functions like an apartment, with her own coffee maker, toaster, small frig, and tv, she can have a lovely morning there. 

Does she have a bird feeder or anything to watch? Does she have a tablet to zoom chat with anyone or watch youtube? 

You could schedule socialization time with your mother or hire a worker to come in for two hours to give you some consistent space to work.

[PeterPan]

21 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

You may need to add a mid-morning connection break at a certain time every day if she starts wandering down to say hello.

In the memory units I noticed in assisted living facilities, the standard was contact at least every 2 hours. It sounds like maybe op could stand to hire some help.

Also consider filling her social bucket at *night*. My dad now plays cards from 6:30-8:30 or even 9:30 each night. It has made a huge difference, wearing him out a bit and making him more satisfied the rest of the day, knowing he has that to look forward to.

[Spryte]

2 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

She needs a breakfast station in her room, just like in hotels. Her coffee, meds, a refrigerator with her juice, everything. And you make an agreement that she doesn't come down till say 11:30.

Good, but a door that locks? She still needs to do her premed insanity thing before she comes out. People who need meds should not come out and be with other people till their meds are kicked in. It's just politeness.

Is she lonely? Does she have a tv in her room? Many older people like the tv on for noise. If you can put a tv and a comfy chair in her room, she can take her meds, let them kick in, sip her juice, eat toast with pbutter (put that in there too) and she really doesn't need to come out so early. Her room needs to function more like an apartment so she can stay there a bit comfortably.

I could try something like a breakfast station, it’s something we have discussed before … DH is a little worried about food in her room because she’s forgetful, but we might be able to make it work.

Oh, darn, the meds though.  Ugh. I used to sort them for her and leave them in her room, but she took a week’s worth in two days, and we figured out she needs more help. Maybe I could leave just her morning meds for her every day.

[PeterPan]

Meijers (and probably others) sell a *simplified* universal remote for seniors. If you put a tv in her room, you may need to change out the remote to something simpler to operate. Otherwise you'll find out she's been watching Nickelodeon for a week and couldn't change the channel, lol.

[Spryte]

4 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

If she needs help with meds, what about a preplanned time? Spryte goes up, administers meds, goes back down. If mom's room functions like an apartment, with her own coffee maker, toaster, small frig, and tv, she can have a lovely morning there. 

Does she have a bird feeder or anything to watch? Does she have a tablet to zoom chat with anyone or watch youtube? 

You could schedule socialization time with your mother or hire a worker to come in for two hours to give you some consistent space to work.

A preplanned time could work!

She has a recliner and TV in her room, and she likes to sit and do her work.  She is an artist, and still going strong.

DH and I have dinner with her on Monday nights, but maybe if we switch to Sunday to fill the cup better before school.

Thanks for the great ideas!