Early Marriage

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

 Heck, I went on a trip to Colorado with the group of guys, with my being the only girl. They were my brothers. One of the boys' moms asked if I was the only girl going and he replied, "Mom, she's not a girl. She's just one of the guys."  I had just started dating dh at the time I went on that trip.  But growing up, I didn't have girl friends, only guy friends. Made it hard after we all got married. We didn't stay in touch because if felt weird.  Honestly, I like guys so much better as friends and as co-workers.

LOL. All my college friends were guys. We spent each weekend in the mountains, traveled together, great. We still did that even after I got married and had babies, until we emigrated and lost touch.
I am with you, it's always been easier with guys, and working in a  male dominated field is good.

[Junie]

@Scarlett and I have similar views on dating -- we don't allow dating until college, and even then we don't recommend it during freshman year.  Our religion teaches abstinence before marriage and I think that dating for many years before marriage makes that goal more difficult.

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

What do you consider dating? 

Two people being romantically interested in each other.

[Sneezyone]

1 minute ago, Junie said:

@Scarlett and I have similar views on dating -- we don't allow dating until college, and even then we don't recommend it during freshman year.  Our religion teaches abstinence before marriage and I think that dating for many years before marriage makes that goal more difficult.

How do you control this?

[Sneezyone]

Just now, Scarlett said:

Two people being romantically interested in each other.

Oh, well shoot, I've dated TONS of people then. LOL. The teens I know consider exclusive relationships where outings are *primarily* one-on-one to be *ships/shipping*. Most of them don't feel this need. DD has dropped several someones interested in that sort of relationship like hot potatoes. Dating/going out/talking is usually a group thing, low key, no pressure.

[Junie]

3 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

How do you control this?

Well, since my kids are homeschooled, their interactions are limited.  (More limited than I like at the moment.)  And so far none of my kids have had drivers' licenses in high school.  So dh and I are their only transportation.  (We live in the middle of nowhere, so their friends don't drive out here.)

When our kids get to high school age, we talk with them about waiting until college to start dating.  In fact, dd19 had a really good chat about this at Christmas and she said that she is planning to just hang out in groups to get to know people for at least another year.

[TexasProud]

10 minutes ago, Junie said:

@Scarlett and I have similar views on dating -- we don't allow dating until college, and even then we don't recommend it during freshman year.  Our religion teaches abstinence before marriage and I think that dating for many years before marriage makes that goal more difficult.

Yeah, I get that, but honestly, I saw it as my job to let go of the reins and not be so controlling by the time they went to college.  My goal was to have children with a good head on their shoulders and could make good decisions THEMSELVES.  I should not be dictating what my 18yo kid can and cannot do.  I cannot imagine telling them they couldn't date. 

Now, that said, I told the story of my poor boyfriend who followed me.  Of the boyfriend that would have been an abuser ( only dated him for a couple of months. He said I was not being faithful by going on a choir trip.. HUGE red flag.) and who stalked me in college. Youngest made a HORRIBLE decision in high school, but we got to talk through it. Boy am I glad she didn't do that in college. I slowly let loose of the reigns until by senior year, they were in college. They were doing all dual credit and making their own schedules.  They all did well in college.  But no prospects for marriage for any of them.  26 year old has never been on a date. Middle one dated one girl senior year. Just asked another girl out last month, and she said no she wasn't ready and then proceeded to date his roommate.  😞  Daughter dated a few guys for just a couple of weeks each, but decided they were not for her. She hasn't dated at all since Covid hit. 

Edited August 16, 2021 by TexasProud
homophones

[Sneezyone]

Just now, Junie said:

Well, since my kids are homeschooled, their interactions are limited.  (More limited than I like at the moment.)  And so far none of my kids have had drivers' licenses in high school.  So dh and I are their only transportation.  (We live in the middle of nowhere, so their friends don't drive out here.)

When our kids get to high school age, we talk with them about waiting until college to start dating.  In fact, dd19 had a really good chat about this at Christmas and she said that she is planning to just hang out in groups to get to know people for at least another year.

Do you see that as typical? The stuff your DD describes as as plan is basically what other teens are doing. 

[Junie]

I don't consider hanging out in groups "dating".  Dating to me is one-on-one interaction that was specifically set up ahead of time.

So if dd19 is studying with a guy friend after class, I don't consider that a date.  If he were to ask her to go out to dinner the next night, that would be what I call a date.

[Junie]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, I get that, but honestly, I saw it as my job to let go of the reigns and not be so controlling by the time they went to college.  My goal was to have children with a good head on their shoulders and could make good decisions THEMSELVES.  I should not be dictating what my 18yo kid can and cannot do.  I cannot imagine telling them they couldn't date. 

Now, that said, I told the story of my poor boyfriend who followed me.  Of the boyfriend that would have been an abuser ( only dated him for a couple of months. He said I was not being faithful by going on a choir trip.. HUGE red flag.) and who stalked me in college. Youngest made a HORRIBLE decision in high school, but we got to talk through it. Boy am I glad she didn't do that in college. I slowly let loose of the reigns until by senior year, they were in college. They were doing all dual credit and making their own schedules.  They all did well in college.  But no prospects for marriage for any of them.  26 year old has never been on a date. Middle one dated one girl senior year. Just asked another girl out last month, and she said no she wasn't ready and then proceeded to date his roommate.  😞  Daughter dated a few guys for just a couple of weeks each, but decided they were not for her. She hasn't dated at all since Covid hit. 

My kids have all started college before their 18th birthdays.

#latesummerbirthdays

 

[TexasProud]

Just now, Junie said:

My kids have all started college before their 18th birthdays.

#latesummerbirthdays

 

Yes, so have mine. They started taking dual credit in 9th grade.  But my children had cars, jobs, activities they went to by themselves.  Good thing since my youngest went 14 hours away.  I cannot imagine her doing that if I never let her leave the house without my driving her. 

[Scarlett]

11 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, I get that, but honestly, I saw it as my job to let go of the reins and not be so controlling by the time they went to college.  My goal was to have children with a good head on their shoulders and could make good decisions THEMSELVES.  I should not be dictating what my 18yo kid can and cannot do.  I cannot imagine telling them they couldn't date. 

Now, that said, I told the story of my poor boyfriend who followed me.  Of the boyfriend that would have been an abuser ( only dated him for a couple of months. He said I was not being faithful by going on a choir trip.. HUGE red flag.) and who stalked me in college. Youngest made a HORRIBLE decision in high school, but we got to talk through it. Boy am I glad she didn't do that in college. I slowly let loose of the reigns until by senior year, they were in college. They were doing all dual credit and making their own schedules.  They all did well in college.  But no prospects for marriage for any of them.  26 year old has never been on a date. Middle one dated one girl senior year. Just asked another girl out last month, and she said no she wasn't ready and then proceeded to date his roommate.  😞  Daughter dated a few guys for just a couple of weeks each, but decided they were not for her. She hasn't dated at all since Covid hit. 

She said not until college. So  about 18. And then encourage them to not date their freshman year. 

Edited August 16, 2021 by Scarlett

[TexasProud]

Just now, Scarlett said:

She said not until college. So they used about 18. And then encourage them to not date their freshman year. 

Yeah, still think that is a bit controlling.

[Junie]

 

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, still think that is a bit controlling.

 

Yes, it is a bit controlling.  I know that I tend to be helicopterish.  But I have good intentions. 😉

I encourage my kids not to date during freshman year, not because of age, but because there are so many other changes going on in their lives that I feel like it's not really a good time to start serious relationships.  In an opportunity to meet a lot of people and have a lot of different experiences.

When I was in college, the people who dated freshman year ended up breaking up and then realizing that they didn't really have friends because they had spent all of their time with one person.

[Sneezyone]

10 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yes, so have mine. They started taking dual credit in 9th grade.  But my children had cars, jobs, activities they went to by themselves.  Good thing since my youngest went 14 hours away.  I cannot imagine her doing that if I never let her leave the house without my driving her. 

LOL, same. DD will turn 18 in October of her senior year. She's already put me on notice about piercings and tattoos (that she's paying for). No significant other tho so I guess I'm good, lol. DD told her friend today (friend got a piercing, allowed here at 16) that she wasn't allowed to do it until she turned 18 "because my mom wants me to be solely responsible for screwing up my body". Truer words were never spoken. ROFL.

Honestly, I think our perspectives are not that different. No one wants their new college student to be so wrapped up in a SO that they cannot focus on course work. I just think kids who have no practice managing both are MORE likely to struggle than less. Low-key, practice 'dating', seems like a good way to achieve the same ends - happy, healthy, partnered offspring.

Edited August 16, 2021 by Sneezyone

[Junie]

7 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yes, so have mine. They started taking dual credit in 9th grade.  But my children had cars, jobs, activities they went to by themselves.  Good thing since my youngest went 14 hours away.  I cannot imagine her doing that if I never let her leave the house without my driving her. 

My two in college are actually about a similar distance away.  But I was always willing to drive my kids wherever they wanted to go.  (I have always loved driving, so taking my kids 30 minutes away for an activity, driving 30 minutes back, and then repeating a few hours later has never bothered me.)

 

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Junie said:

 

 

Yes, it is a bit controlling.  I know that I tend to be helicopterish.  But I have good intentions. 😉

I encourage my kids not to date during freshman year, not because of age, but because there are so many other changes going on in their lives that I feel like it's not really a good time to start serious relationships.  In an opportunity to meet a lot of people and have a lot of different experiences.

When I was in college, the people who dated freshman year ended up breaking up and then realizing that they didn't really have friends because they had spent all of their time with one person.

And I get that.  Good reasoning. I "encouraged" my kids to not consider marrying until after college. My daughter doesn't want to until after her musical theater career. She want to do that for awhile before she settles down. So I do understand.  I am NOT in the early marriage camp.  But I am glad they had some experiences while they were here...well, except for oldest.  He is going to be the rich, single uncle that spoils his nieces and nephews I am afraid.  🙂 

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Junie said:

My two in college are actually about a similar distance away.  But I was always willing to drive my kids wherever they wanted to go.  (I have always loved driving, so taking my kids 30 minutes away for an activity, driving 30 minutes back, and then repeating a few hours later has never bothered me.)

 

YUCK!!!  I couldn't wait until I could give up the driving task.  I hated driving.

[regentrude]

7 minutes ago, Junie said:

I encourage my kids not to date during freshman year, not because of age, but because there are so many other changes going on in their lives that I feel like it's not really a good time to start serious relationships.  In an opportunity to meet a lot of people and have a lot of different experiences.

When I was in college, the people who dated freshman year ended up breaking up and then realizing that they didn't really have friends because they had spent all of their time with one person.

My experience was that dating in freshman year and meeting lots of people/forming strong friendships are not mutually exclusive.  I met my DH during Orientation Week before freshman year; we were in the same study group, became friends, and were a couple in February. 34 years and counting 🙂
DS has been with his gf since before they moved to college; they both made friends in the new city and have rich lives with various circles. (They attend different colleges but live together.)

Edited August 16, 2021 by regentrude

[WildflowerMom]

27 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Two people being romantically interested in each other.

Agreed.  

[Sneezyone]

13 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

He is going to be the rich, single uncle that spoils his nieces and nephews I am afraid.  🙂 

Meh...too soon, too soon! DH said the same thing until he met me. My DS says this too. It may be true but my best guess here is that some chick is going to drive him to distraction (in a messy and annoying way both for us and DS) and that will be it.

Edited August 16, 2021 by Sneezyone

[Murphy101]

I would love to see more current studies of marriages. I don’t agree young marriages are doomed. I for sure can’t say I’ve seen older marriages end much better. Nearly everyone I know my age has been divorced, and it didn’t seem to matter if they got married 18-25 or 30+.  If anything the 20-25 year mark also has a super high divorce rate. Raised the kids and then split is becoming very common. And the rates of divorce for second marriages is even worse than first marriages. 

So I don’t know I’d put much stock to anyone’s view of age related results. 
 

But also I have always said that we all think we have more control than any of us actually have. I just happened to have met my husband at 16. But I might not have met someone I’d say yes to until much later. It’s not like I can control when people intersect with my life.

And I have little to zero say in what my kids 18+ beyond what I am personally willing to help with or not help with. Personally I’m not helping with dating at any age beyond commiseration that the dating pool of any demographic seems very unappealing these days. LOl

[TexasProud]

3 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

Meh...too soon, too soon! DH said the same thing until he met me. My DS says this too. It may be true but my best guess here is that some chick is going to drive him to distraction (in a messy and annoying way both for us and DS) and that will be it.

I really hope so, but he has social anxiety. He gets along with people, but only has one friend. I don't know how he would even meet one. He also struggles with depression and is on meds, seeing a psych and a counselor.  But he is the sweetest young man. So thoughtful. He cooks, too. But a girl would have to ask him out and I don't know that he would even be in social situations to be around any.  But he does have my favorite grandcat that we spoil when he comes with him!

[Murphy101]

I don’t help my kids date. That would feel super awkward to me and them.  I gave up the notion of having control over anyone a very very long time ago. If they want to date at 16 or 26 - fine. But cost and transportation is going to be on them. It’s not been an issue for any of mine so far.

[Junie]

I agree that once the kids hit 18 and are legal adults, it is solely their decision.  I can give advice and share experience, but it is totally up to them what they do with it.

When dd19 and I talked about this at Christmas (in the middle of her freshman year), she told me that she was totally ok with waiting to date.  But, if she were to start dating sooner, I wouldn't be upset.

 

[TexasProud]

4 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

I would love to see more current studies of marriages. I don’t agree young marriages are doomed. I for sure can’t say I’ve seen older marriages end much better. Nearly everyone I know my age has been divorced, and it didn’t seem to matter if they got married 18-25 or 30+.  If anything the 20-25 year mark also has a super high divorce rate. Raised the kids and then split is becoming very common. And the rates of divorce for second marriages is even worse than first marriages. 

So I don’t know I’d put much stock to anyone’s view of age related results. 
 

Yeah, I get that.  I just worry about this rash of engagements this year among kids that are my child's age. That is all.

[Junie]

Part of the issue for me with early marriage (back to the original topic) is not so much age, but age difference.

I have a relative who married young (age 18); her husband was 32.  The marriage lasted two kids and seven years.

 

[pinball]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

OMG.  I feel like I am speaking a foreign language. You think a person has to be desperate for sex or a baby to decide they want to get married IF they find a suitable partner?

Someone else said something about young people only getting married for sex on page one…

but tangential question…whatever happened to that couple you knew with the big age difference? Male like 26 and female like 17? 

[Scarlett]

I am fully aware that young adults are going to do what they want. They make their own decisions even before they’re 18 in spite of parents wishes and advice. I saw the writing on the wall with my son and his now wife when they were both 15. I had control of his phone until he was 17 not that I would look at it every day or anything but I did have the pw and he was not allowed to have a phone in his room at night. When he was 17 He said he wanted privacy and he felt he was  old enough for that. 
 

I agreed. Although I knew at that moment they were definitely a couple. They did not fully admit that for another year. But I knew like I said from the time they were 15.

all of that does not change my viewpoint that they were too young to make a lifelong decision like marriage. And I certainly was not pushing them to be a couple or thinking it was “cute“.

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

 

all of that does not change my viewpoint that they were too young to make a lifelong decision like marriage. And I certainly was not pushing them to be a couple or thinking it was “cute“.

Absolutely!!! junior high "dating" drives me craxy!

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, pinball said:

Someone else said something about young people only getting married for sex on page one…

but tangential question…whatever happened to that couple you knew with the big age difference? Male like 26 and female like 17? 

They got married. They are still married. It was a very upsetting situation to watch.

[pinball]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

They got married. They are still married. It was a very upsetting situation to watch.

He was kind of a creeper, tho’, right? In the sense that he was interested in her when she was a minor?

 

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, Junie said:

Part of the issue for me with early marriage (back to the original topic) is not so much age, but age difference.

I have a relative who married young (age 18); her husband was 32.  The marriage lasted two kids and seven years.

 

I have really given this a lot of thought. Because two girls I know got married at age 17 two men almost 10 years older than them. I thought at least one of those especially was really strange. But another girl I know was 19 and married a man who was 29. I felt 100% supportive of that relationship. I think it’s because she lives on her own for an entire year before they started dating.

Edited August 16, 2021 by Scarlett

[Scarlett]

Just now, pinball said:

He was kind of a creeper, tho’, right? In the sense that he was interested in her when she was a minor?

 

I don’t know that I would call him a creeper. She was only 14 when they started liking each other. Almost 15. I definitely do not feel like he is a pedophile or anything like that. He is just super immature himself. But I think her parents are complete idiots for encouraging and allowing it. 

[Murphy101]

I think the idea that anyone anywhere in 2021 America is getting married just because they are desperate for sex/babies is very naive or out of touch with people of any age in 2021.

*maybe* the Amish. Maybe.

[Sneezyone]

7 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am fully aware that young adults are going to do what they want. They make their own decisions even before they’re 18 in spite of parents wishes and advice. I saw the writing on the wall with my son and his now wife when they were both 15. I had control of his phone until he was 17 not that I would look at it every day or anything but I did have the pw and he was not allowed to have a phone in his room at night. When he was 17 He said he wanted privacy and he felt he was  old enough for that. 
 

I agreed. Although I knew at that moment they were definitely a couple. They did not fully admit that for another year. But I knew like I said from the time they were 15.

all of that does not change my viewpoint that they were too young to make a lifelong decision like marriage. And I certainly was not pushing them to be a couple or thinking it was “cute“.

Do you think there was anything you could have done/not done to change that relationship? I don't have any answer in mind, just curious. I've tried really, REALLY hard not to put my thumb on the scale in any direction and just provide a living example of dos/don'ts but I did, at one point, tell DD that I would be really disappointed if she continued to engage with someone that we both knew wasn't suitable. That ended a couple weeks later.

Edited August 16, 2021 by Sneezyone

[Guest]

I’m late to this party, but this is such a soap box issue for me. I have put up a thread in the past on this topic. I agree it is a fundy/patriarchal thing. Marrying early is “the best” way to make sure young, h@rny teens don’t go spoiling the flowerbeds. 😏 I’m not a believer in early marriage (defined by me as any marriage in which one or both are an age that ends in “teen” or ended in “teen” recently enough that they can’t legally drink on their honeymoon, much less rent a car.) 

Chastity is usually part of the story. My dd went to a wedding where the pastor went off on a little tangent and told the whole crowd about how, “they have been WAITING…and WAITING!…and WWWAAAIIITING!!!! for this day…” My daughter was like, “Wow, so awkward.” I can hardly think of a grosser thing to reference at a wedding than, “Oooh, *now* they can have sex!” Just…eew! 
 

I also just think it’s really important to have some of the career-building and identity-defining work of the early twenties (or, hell, all of the twenties as far as I’m concerned) behind you before you sign on the dotted line. Because of this, “waiting” for marriage does not matter to me. It wasn’t a hope I had for my kids. (Of course I do have standards and ideals, but getting married at 18 as a v!rgin isn’t one of them.) 

 

[MercyA]

7 hours ago, TexasProud said:

As far as remaining chaste, no going into any bedrooms alone. I don't know, it just wasn't that hard. These are not overwhelming emotions you cannot control for pete's sake. You just set the boundaries. Do things in public or semi-public spaces. 

Yeah, not that hard, and DH and I were in plenty of bedrooms alone (at home and then at college) between 16 (when we started dating) and 22 (when we married). Our hormones were in full function but we made the decision to wait and did. There are plenty of other things to do. 🤷‍♀️

(Don't quote please. DH is a private guy and I will delete later.)

Edited August 16, 2021 by MercyA

[Scarlett]

@MercyAdo you think that is reasonable for most young people?

[Scarlett]

18 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

Do you think there was anything you could have done/not done to change that relationship? I don't have any answer in mind, just curious. I've tried really, REALLY hard not to put my thumb on the scale in any direction and just provide a living example of dos/don'ts but I did, at one point, tell DD that I would be really disappointed if she continued to engage with someone that we both knew wasn't suitable. That ended a couple weeks later.

I don’t know. Maybe. 

[MercyA]

11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

@MercyAdo you think that is reasonable for most young people?

That's a hard question. Should it be reasonable? I think so. It's not that big of a deal to wait and work for something you want. That's just part of life.

Would most young people right now in America consider themselves able to do it or want to do it? Probably not, for a myriad of reasons.

IDK. Maybe I just lucked out with a super mature DH. But my brother and his wife did almost the same thing. Started dating in high school, married right after college. Stayed chaste. And we were not a "fundy" family, at all. Christian, yes. Fundy, no. 

Edited August 16, 2021 by MercyA

[catz]

38 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

I would love to see more current studies of marriages. I don’t agree young marriages are doomed. I for sure can’t say I’ve seen older marriages end much better. Nearly everyone I know my age has been divorced, and it didn’t seem to matter if they got married 18-25 or 30+.  If anything the 20-25 year mark also has a super high divorce rate. Raised the kids and then split is becoming very common. And the rates of divorce for second marriages is even worse than first marriages. 

 

No one says young marriages are doomed.  Stories and anecdotes don’t equate to data.  There is data showing younger marriages are more likely to divorce.  That doesn’t mean they will.  
 

rate of divorce is definitely higher among subsequent marriages.  My husband and I have been married over 20 years and it’s his 2nd marriage.  The data is still true.  
 

https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr049.pdf
 

 

[Condessa]

It's interesting to me how many people on here have the experience of the divide in circles they know being between early marriage and education, especially for girls.  Being lds, and especially having attended a church university, my personal experience is very different.  I guess my religion must be unusual for so often opting for both early marriage/family and higher education. 

If you ever get a chance to walk around BYU campus, you will spot plenty of young, pregnant female students and babies.  There was a dad in my Hebrew linguistics classes who's son came with him to class every day, and then he and his wife would swap in the hall before their next classes (so that neither had him with in their lab sciences).  The baby was crawling and then walking around the classroom, and our professor would hold him and play with him during timed quizzes so that dad wouldn't be distracted.

Edited August 16, 2021 by Condessa

[Sneezyone]

5 minutes ago, Condessa said:

It's interesting to me how many people on here have the experience of the divide in circles they know being between early marriage and education, especially for girls.  Being lds, and especially having attended a church university, my personal experience is very different.  I guess my religion must be unusual for so often opting for both early marriage/family and education. 

If you ever get a chance to walk around BYU campus, you will spot plenty of young, pregnant female students and babies.  There was a dad in my Hebrew linguistics classes who's son came with him to class every day, and then he and his wife would swap in the hall before their next classes (so that neither had him with in their lab sciences).  The baby was crawling and then walking around the classroom, and our professor would hold him and play with him during timed quizzes so that dad wouldn't be distracted.

Highly unusual but very encouraging. 🙂 In my circles education is prized and marriage delayed to support children. I'm not so sure most campuses are set up to be so accommodating. At my alma, married student housing was scarce and in demand.

[Condessa]

14 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

Highly unusual but very encouraging. 🙂 In my circles education is prized and marriage delayed to support children. I'm not so sure most campuses are set up to be so accommodating. At my alma, married student housing was scarce and in demand.

It was a very different experience at grad school.  I was surprised when a professor at dh's law school wouldn't allow any accommodation whatsoever for dh missing 2 classes when I was giving birth (his policy was that if you miss two consecutive classes, you get dropped from the course), and their school medical insurance didn't cover maternity costs.  My own dad was pulled out of finals at BYU law school to go to my sister's birth and was allowed to complete his finals the next week.

[Sneezyone]

37 minutes ago, Condessa said:

It was a very different experience at grad school.  I was surprised when a professor at dh's law school wouldn't allow any accommodation whatsoever for dh missing 2 classes when I was giving birth (his policy was that if you miss two consecutive classes, you get dropped from the course), and their school medical insurance didn't cover maternity costs.  My own dad was pulled out of finals at BYU law school to go to my sister's birth and was allowed to complete his finals the next week.

Yep. That's more like the norm.

[J-rap]

46 minutes ago, Condessa said:

It was a very different experience at grad school.  I was surprised when a professor at dh's law school wouldn't allow any accommodation whatsoever for dh missing 2 classes when I was giving birth (his policy was that if you miss two consecutive classes, you get dropped from the course), and their school medical insurance didn't cover maternity costs.  My own dad was pulled out of finals at BYU law school to go to my sister's birth and was allowed to complete his finals the next week.

Reminds me of our #2 child who was born during law school semester final exams.  My dh could have taken the the class off and finished it the next week, but we lucked out and she arrived on a Friday night.

[Pam in CT]

I fully expect my kids will do what *they* think best, not what I did or what I'd now counsel them. And ultimately I figure that's my job.

What I counsel them is, finish your education -- whatever that is (my eldest is 1 year into a 5 year rabbinical program; I strongly doubt my middle will do a degree past undergraduate; my youngest is just starting university and has no idea yet whether she's likely to go on to a graduate degree) -- before having kids.  Of course it's possible to juggle school & kids & ultimate career search, but it's really hard, doubly so for women.

I don't have a view about the "right" age to marry... it's too tied up in my mind with when meeting the right person happens to happen. 

And I'm not fussed one way or another about whether or not my adult kids are having sex, so long as their relationships are respectful and healthy. 

[Terabith]

3 hours ago, regentrude said:

I can't fathom deciding "I want to get married and thus I will start to date" because to me, the decision to want to get married did not come until many years of knowing the specific person I would like to get married to.
So no, the idea to go on a quest for a suitable person because I want to get married seems completely backwards to me. It's also not like my kids operate either.
YMMV.

Actually, I kinda did think about this.  I knew I wanted to get married/ have a life partner, and I knew that I wanted to have children.  I deliberately made the decision (for myself) that I was not interested in dating until I was close to a position in life when marriage made sense.  So I did not date in high school.  I spent a lot of time thinking about what qualities made for a good marriage and what qualities were important to me in a partner.  And in college, I didn't exactly start dating to look for a marriage partner exactly, but I definitely kept that in mind and evaluated people according to my list before I started to date.  

It was not a particularly romantic approach to marriage, but Mike and I got married right after we graduated from college, and we've been married for 23 years now.  

[vonfirmath]

5 hours ago, regentrude said:

I can't fathom deciding "I want to get married and thus I will start to date" because to me, the decision to want to get married did not come until many years of knowing the specific person I would like to get married to.
So no, the idea to go on a quest for a suitable person because I want to get married seems completely backwards to me. It's also not like my kids operate either.
YMMV.

And see. I knew I wanted to be married and have a family way before I found the right person and got married

(But I also knew I would rather remain unmarried than marry the wrong person).  So I did do a little dating. But would cut it off when I realized the guy was not marriage material.