How to handle lying in older teen

[Kassia]

Up until now, I really thought dd (almost 19) would never ever lie to me, but I recently caught her in a lie.  It was something really stupid to lie about because there was no reason for her not to be honest, but I think I just caught her off-guard and she was embarrassed.  It wasn't anything I'd be mad about or that she'd be in any trouble over. 

She doesn't know I know that she lied and I brought up the situation she lied about again a few days later in a way that she could tell me the truth ( I played dumb), but she stuck to her story.  

So now I don't know what to do...is it worth confronting her over this?  I don't care at all about what she lied about, it's the fact that she lied and now I don't know what else she has lied about - especially if she lied about something so ridiculous.  But I don't know what confronting her will accomplish either.  I've never encountered this with my older kids.  

 

Edited August 6, 2021 by Kassia

[regentrude]

I would not confront her. I cannot imagine this would accomplish anything. Knowing that mom found her out will only make her feel more embarrassed. Young people lie for stupid reasons even when they're not really in trouble. Sometimes they just want the parent to get off their back, or don't wish to talk about a thing, or want to save face.
I would let it go and be careful not to set up the young adult for further lies. To give an example: if I know young adult has a tendency to procrastinate an important task, I won't ask "did you do xyz?", because he might just lie to get me to stop nagging. Instead, I'll text "hey, maybe you've done it already, but I thought I'd give you a reminder to take care of xyz." That way, they can save face because there's not a question that demands an answer.
My very wise friend once told me when the kids were little: "A mom does not need to have seen everything".  
 

[bolt.]

First, it's worth recognizing that avoiding embarrassment and preserving privacy/independence is a legitimate reason for lies between adults. I (at 40+ years old) lie to my mother when she asks personal questions that I don't want to discuss with her. I don't need my mom in all the details of my life -- particularly the embarrassing ones. She doesn't always know which of her innocent/normal questions are going to touch a sore spot for me... so I gloss over those moments with a few white lies.

So, I guess one way to deal with lying from adult children is to acknowledge the distance and independence created by her desire to keep you in the dark about certain things. There's grief there, for sure.

If it does need to be 'dealt with' the basic strategy for teenagers is to be confident that you know what you know and proceed accordingly. You can (but don't have to) just openly say, "I think actually that xyz is going on." Or you can say, "I'm not sure about what you are saying, so I'm going to need to..." Or you can just do what needs to be done without giving a reason.

A reminder from basic kid strategy is that we don't need to invite people to lie, or to repeat their lies. We can lead with what we know, instead of asking questions as a truth test. If a truth might be hard, don't set up a hard situation like that.

[teachermom2834]

I agree that confronting won’t get you anywhere. I would just proceed with the painful knowledge that she lies to you on occasion and try to ask questions in ways that limit that. 
 

It hurts but I think it is normal and likely stupid and not a reflection on your relationship even though it feels like it. Kids and young adults so stupid things often with no reason. Being confronted doesn’t usually change that. Save confrontation for the big things.

[Tanaqui]

Virtually everybody lies, especially teens to their parents. This is almost certainly not the first time, it's just the first time you realized it. You're not alone in that! Lots of parents think that their kid wouldn't lie to them, or that they always know when their child is lying, but careful studies show that they're all wrong. Virtually every teen lies to their parents, and parents hardly ever can tell when their child is lying vs. being honest.

It's possible she lied because there's some problem in your relationship, sure. If that's the case, confronting her over this petty lie about something unimportant is not going to help.  It's more likely she was dishonest because sometimes people just are - the truth was embarrassing or uncomfortable to admit to, or she felt it was harder to explain than the story, or she preferred the story (or thought you would prefer the story) to whatever really happened, or she decided it was more polite or kinder to lie. Or maybe she just didn't want to discuss the thing with you, and it was easier to lie than to say "Don't wanna talk about it!"

For minor, unimportant things, especially given that she's an adult now, I think the best bet is to let it pass and, in general, not to set her up in a situation where the easiest option might be dishonesty. As suggested upthread, that might mean saying "Hey, just a reminder, you should Do The Thing now if you haven't already" rather than asking if she's done it (even if you're 99% certain she hasn't), not asking prying questions about her life if it's legitimately none of your business, and so on.

[MEmama]

46 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I would not confront her. I cannot imagine this would accomplish anything. Knowing that mom found her out will only make her feel more embarrassed. Young people lie for stupid reasons even when they're not really in trouble. Sometimes they just want the parent to get off their back, or don't wish to talk about a thing, or want to save face.
I would let it go and be careful not to set up the young adult for further lies. To give an example: if I know young adult has a tendency to procrastinate an important task, I won't ask "did you do xyz?", because he might just lie to get me to stop nagging. Instead, I'll text "hey, maybe you've done it already, but I thought I'd give you a reminder to take care of xyz." That way, they can save face because there's not a question that demands an answer.
My very wise friend once told me when the kids were little: "A mom does not need to have seen everything".  
 

Yes, all of this.

 

[Kassia]

Thank you thank you thank you!!!  I just wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing and this is such a great place to get parenting advice!  🙂  I am going to drop it.  The thing is, she must know I know what happened anyway.  

The lie:  She took one of my protein bars.  That's it.  They are not *mine* in the sense that they are off limits; we just eat different bars.  I received 4 "limited edition" flavors as part of a promo for my order and saw one in her room.  When I went to check what I had, there were only 3 there.  That was it!  The funny thing is that I don't even like this flavor and she could have had all of them.  She's always welcome to them and I would never have noticed any were gone if she hadn't taken one of those limited edition bars.  So, I asked her one night if she took one because there was one missing and I didn't know where it went and she denied it.  I think she just didn't know what to say and then didn't know how to go back and correct it even though I gave her the chance a couple of days later (I told her I was baffled about the missing bar).  

Thank you again!  I just love it here.  ❤️

[teachermom2834]

Ok I love that update about what the issue is. Lol. Young adults are fun! 

[Scarlett]

I don't think this incident is some end of the world thing....but I don't believe it is acceptable to just assume 'everyone lies'.  When I was 15 my mom caught me in a lie.  I don't remember the lie and I don't remember if there was even a consequence...but I remember her words, 'the trouble with a liar, is that it is impossible to have a real relationship with them, because you never know if what they are telling you is the truth or not.'  I never again lied to her.  And that has been one of my guiding principles in my life.....to be honest.   It is tricky learning what is no one's business vs being a liar.....lots of layers to that and lots of variables.  But overall I do think it is important to teach our young adults to be honest....and to learn when to politely tell someone you don't want to discuss a subject or even that it is none of their concern.  

[Scarlett]

When I think of all  my close friends.....I feel positive none of them lie to me.  I have one friend whose dh is very private and doesn't want her discussing their life with ANYONE....so even when she needs a friend she rarely tells me much.  But I feel certain what she tells me is the truth.  

My life long friend.....she and I have been through so much together.  There are subjects we avoid because we know we don't agree on it.....but she doesn't lie to me.  

I have an acquaintance that wanted me to be her friend....but I just could not take her inability to be honest about really big things.   

And I can honestly say I am 56 years old and I have never caught my mom in a lie.  

[Kassia]

Just now, Scarlett said:

 

And I can honestly say I am 56 years old and I have never caught my mom in a lie.  

My mother was a compulsive liar and a narcissist.  We were estranged for most of dd's life so I don't know if she realizes how my mother's lies destroyed our relationship (my sons do).  

I have one son who is an Aspie and I don't think he lies.  I'm not aware of my other sons ever lying to me and I have no reason to think they have (I don't think they had any reason to) but they may have.  

But, really, I suppose my asking dd about the bar was a form of lying on my part.  I knew where the missing bar went and acted as if I didn't.  

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Kassia said:

My mother was a compulsive liar and a narcissist.  We were estranged for most of dd's life so I don't know if she realizes how my mother's lies destroyed our relationship (my sons do).  

I have one son who is an Aspie and I don't think he lies.  I'm not aware of my other sons ever lying to me and I have no reason to think they have (I don't think they had any reason to) but they may have.  

But, really, I suppose my asking dd about the bar was a form of lying on my part.  I knew where the missing bar went and acted as if I didn't.  

I suppose.  Why did you ask her? Or did you just want to talk about it and formed it as a question before really thinking.....?

[Kassia]

Just now, Scarlett said:

I suppose.  Why did you ask her? Or did you just want to talk about it and formed it as a question before really thinking.....?

I don't know.  I guess I was just so surprised that she took it and put it in her room without mentioning it to me that I thought I'd ask her about it.  And then I was surprised that she denied taking it because I fully expected her to say that she did.  Once again, I didn't care at all - there's not any food in the house that she isn't welcome to.  It's just that she likes the bars I buy for her and has plenty and has never expressed any interest in mine.  I wish she had - I don't like this particular flavor and feel obligated to eat the remaining three!  

[Spryte]

Well, now that we know it was about one of your amazing, delicious protein bars (!!!) … I mean, those things are seriously delicious so that might change the trajectory of responses … 🤣

Tongue in cheek.  Of course.  But I do love those bars. 

I think, like others, this is a minor issue, and letting this one go allows her to save face (maybe she was embarrassed? Felt guilty? Who knows.)

And since you are not a fan of that flavor, can you find a way to give them to her?  You know, in the spirit of honesty … don’t suffer through eating the ones you don’t like. 😊

 

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, Spryte said:

 

I think, like others, this is a minor issue, and letting this one go allows her to save face (maybe she was embarrassed? Felt guilty? Who knows.)

 

 

Yes, this was my thought.  It seems pointless to confront her but I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing by letting it go.  She's such a good kid in every way and I do think she just felt on the spot and didn't know how to handle it.  Probably wishes she had done things differently but it's too late.  

 

[Moonhawk]

11 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I don't know.  I guess I was just so surprised that she took it and put it in her room without mentioning it to me that I thought I'd ask her about it.  And then I was surprised that she denied taking it because I fully expected her to say that she did.  Once again, I didn't care at all - there's not any food in the house that she isn't welcome to.  It's just that she likes the bars I buy for her and has plenty and has never expressed any interest in mine.  I wish she had - I don't like this particular flavor and feel obligated to eat the remaining three!  

“idk what happened to that other bar, but i’m kind of relieved because i don’t like these flavors and wish i didn’t have them. do you want to try one and take the rest if you like it?” or at the end, “if you like these, go ahead and take them so i don’t have to!” then you get to smile with yourself at resolving it and not eating the bars, and any guilt she may feel over the situation can be shed. Yay for you btw that this is the issue with your 19y daughter lol. 

[City Mouse]

I agree that you helped set up the problem by asking a question that you already knew the answer to. 

With my teens, if I did happen to catch them in a lie, I would usually focus on the original action rather than the lie. I have the point of view that if a child is lying about something they did, that means they know what they did was the wrong choice. 
In this case, if you do choose to say something, I would use it as a chance to remind her that your bars are not off limits. Something along the lines of “I saw the missing bar in your room. I want you to know that I don’t mind you eating those bars, so please don’t feel like you need to hide that from me. If I buy something that I don’t want you to eat, I will let you know.”

I personally come from a family with a long line of obesity, and I do not want to start my kids thinking that they ever need to hide what they eat.

[hippymamato3]

She's an adult. I would work very hard to have the kind of relationship with her where she has no reason to lie to you at all.  (ETA: Asking questions you already know the answer to is a big no!) 

Edited August 6, 2021 by hippymamato3

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

I guess I was just so surprised that she took it and put it in her room without mentioning it to me

Your adult kids have to tell you when they are taking food into their rooms???

[Kassia]

51 minutes ago, Moonhawk said:

“idk what happened to that other bar, but i’m kind of relieved because i don’t like these flavors and wish i didn’t have them. do you want to try one and take the rest if you like it?” or at the end, “if you like these, go ahead and take them so i don’t have to!” then you get to smile with yourself at resolving it and not eating the bars, and any guilt she may feel over the situation can be shed. 

I love this and actually have some other bars in flavors I'm not interested in that I can use for this as well.  Thanks!  

 

41 minutes ago, City Mouse said:

I agree that you helped set up the problem by asking a question that you already knew the answer to. 

With my teens, if I did happen to catch them in a lie, I would usually focus on the original action rather than the lie. I have the point of view that if a child is lying about something they did, that means they know what they did was the wrong choice. 
In this case, if you do choose to say something, I would use it as a chance to remind her that your bars are not off limits. Something along the lines of “I saw the missing bar in your room. I want you to know that I don’t mind you eating those bars, so please don’t feel like you need to hide that from me. If I buy something that I don’t want you to eat, I will let you know.”

I personally come from a family with a long line of obesity, and I do not want to start my kids thinking that they ever need to hide what they eat.

I've had a lifetime of eating disorders that have involved hiding food at times so I definitely am very cognizant of that!  And, yes, I shouldn't have started the whole thing by asking the question...I really had no idea that she wouldn't just say she took it without any guilt at all.  She didn't do anything wrong by taking it.  

 

24 minutes ago, hippymamato3 said:

She's an adult. I would work very hard to have the kind of relationship with her where she has no reason to lie to you at all.  (ETA: Asking questions you already know the answer to is a big no!) 

Yes, I started this off all wrong!  And I thought we had the kind of relationship where she has no reason to lie.  My sons are 27-30 and I don't know of any time they lied to me.  We've always been very open and honest with each other as far as I know.  And dd has always seemed that way.  

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

Your adult kids have to tell you when they are taking food into their rooms???

Absolutely not.  They can eat in their rooms as long as they keep up with dishes and vacuuming (so they don't attract bugs).  I was just surprised to see that brand of bar in her room because I've been buying them for a long time and she's never expressed any interest in them while consistently requesting a different brand/flavor of bar.  

 

[bensonduck]

This may be way off base, but is it possible she didn’t actually eat the bar? Like maybe another family member or friend grabbed a snack and just disposed of the wrapper in your DD’s room without her knowing about it?

[pinball]

Anyone else reminded of Family Guy and the Jenny Craig AnyTime Bars?

https://comb.io/cHgsNf

[Kassia]

5 minutes ago, bensonduck said:

This may be way off base, but is it possible she didn’t actually eat the bar? Like maybe another family member or friend grabbed a snack and just disposed of the wrapper in your DD’s room without her knowing about it?

No, the bar was still in the wrapper and there are just three of us home right now - me, DH, and dd.  DH doesn't eat protein bars.

[bolt.]

Maybe she has actually forgotten grabbing the bar. Maybe she thought she grabbed a different kind and has been thinking, "How did that get in  my room?" this whole time.

You may never reach the bottom of this mystery!

[Kassia]

9 minutes ago, bolt. said:

Maybe she has actually forgotten grabbing the bar. Maybe she thought she grabbed a different kind and has been thinking, "How did that get in  my room?" this whole time.

You may never reach the bottom of this mystery!

No, that's impossible.  Mine are in a bag in a refrigerator drawer and hers are in the pantry cabinet.  She would have had to make an effort to get mine (the stupid drawer sticks easily so that's why I keep something that only I use in there) and wouldn't just forget it a day or two later (I had just recently removed them from the box to put in the "current to eat" bag).

 

 

 

 

[Ditto]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I don't think this incident is some end of the world thing....but I don't believe it is acceptable to just assume 'everyone lies'.  When I was 15 my mom caught me in a lie.  I don't remember the lie and I don't remember if there was even a consequence...but I remember her words, 'the trouble with a liar, is that it is impossible to have a real relationship with them, because you never know if what they are telling you is the truth or not.'  I never again lied to her.  And that has been one of my guiding principles in my life.....to be honest.   It is tricky learning what is no one's business vs being a liar.....lots of layers to that and lots of variables.  But overall I do think it is important to teach our young adults to be honest....and to learn when to politely tell someone you don't want to discuss a subject or even that it is none of their concern.  

I love this entire post and agree with you completely.    I really should have just bolded the entire post but narrowed it down to these 2 parts.   I have told my teen almost exactly what your mom told you.  It was very affirming to hear that you were told this and that all these years later it has still stayed with you.  My hope is that it does with my teen as well.  I do not for a minute believe that everyone lies.  I am also a firm believer that,  almost without exception, someone that will lie about the small things will lie about the big things.  Teaching our kids/young adults to be honest is vitally important.   Lying is dangerous and can cause damage that ripples far beyond the original untruth.    Lying is vile.

[Tanaqui]

http://www.eurekalert.org/news-releases/534347

60% of participants, when confronted with video evidence, confirmed that they had told at least one lie during a 10 minute conversation with a stranger.

If we can assume that people are more likely to deny telling lies than fess up to making lies they hadn't made (which would be a form of lying in and of itself) then we can guess that the percentage of people who told at least one lie in that experiment may be somewhat higher. Perhaps only a little higher, perhaps a lot higher.

This is in a situation where the stakes were about as low as they can get. Other studies and surveys show that up to 90% of the population or more admits to telling some lies.

I'm not saying that most people lie all day, every day. But yeah, people tell lies. They tell kids that Santa and the Tooth Fairy are literally real (yes, I went there!) and then they claim that they're only figuratively real and that the story that they're literally real wasn't a lie (went there again!). They tell people that they like their hairstyle when they don't, that "it's all right" when the other person says sorry even if it really isn't, and that of course it's okay to take the last donut. They tell their friends that of course nobody noticed their embarassing gaffe. They tell their dentist that they floss every day and their vet that their dog never eats people food. They tell themselves that they don't tell lies, that they are definitely going to clean up the living room instead of vegging out watching TV, that they were completely justified in taking that last donut, that they certainly won't eat one more cookie and they WILL floss tonight, that they could've won the game if they'd been a little more lucky. They tell their cats and dogs and parents that they're the "best" kitty/doggy/mom in the world. That one is for SURE a lie because it's my cats and dogs and mom who are the best.

And I seriously hope every single person here, if called upon to tell a lie to save a life, would do so. That's a different quality of lie, but c'mon now.

It's true that only a small percentage of the population reports lying every day, much less telling more than one or two lies in a typical day. (And again, we're gonna assume people are dishonest in the other direction!) But I'm sorry, lying is part of the human experience. I'd say I hate to break it to you... but honestly? Not so much.

[Kassia]

@Tanaquigreat post with really interesting points.  Thank you.

[RootAnn]

@KassiaI would make sure not to start off my "feel free to try these flavors because I don't care for them" discussion with, "I don't know what happened to the other bar.."

And I hope she has a safe trip back to college!

[Kassia]

7 minutes ago, RootAnn said:

@KassiaI would make sure not to start off my "feel free to try these flavors because I don't care for them" discussion with, "I don't know what happened to the other bar.."

And I hope she has a safe trip back to college!

Thank you @RootAnn!  BTW, I always want to tell you how much I love your posts.  I always agree with you and you express everything much better than I can.  🙂 

[Melissa Louise]

To me, there's nothing to handle. 

I probably wouldn't have asked about it in the first place. Because it's trivial. I'd assume DD took it, and forget about it. 

I don't think there's anything to handle, with one caveat:

An adult DD taking food in a secretive manner, esp food you know she doesn't actually/previously like, and denying eating it - if I was already worried about disordered eating, this would bother me. 

I wouldn't leap to that conclusion over a single bar if I'd not had prior concerns. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by Melissa Louise

[Kassia]

15 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

To me, there's nothing to handle. 

I probably wouldn't have asked about it in the first place. Because it's trivial. I'd assume DD took it, and forget about it. 

I don't think there's anything to handle, with one caveat:

An adult DD taking food in a secretive manner, esp food you know she doesn't actually/previously like, and denying eating it - if I was already worried about disordered eating, this would bother me. 

I wouldn't leap to that conclusion over a single bar if I'd not had prior concerns. 

Thank you. Fortunately, I have no concerns about disordered eating for her.  Since I've struggled with it my entire life it is definitely something I pay attention to with my kids - especially since they must realize I have issues with food/exercise since it's impossible to hide.  

The protein bar she took isn't something she dislikes - as far as I know, she's never had that brand before.  She always has a stock of the ones she likes.  I would totally understand if she were curious about a different brand/flavor and was interested in trying it.