Worried about fall, grief

[Janeway]

I used to love the holiday season. Mom wanted to do craft fairs in October. Then November and December was so full of events and family and joy. But last year was depressing. Dad was locked away, not allowed contact with the outside world. He was clearly depressed about it. He spent Christmas alone and Thanksgiving and even New Years. Last year was less than happy. Plus, I had a weird illness throughout this time that never did get diagnosed. Then Dad died in January and he was only 75. 
 

Now that is it. My husband has never been in to the holidays. He is not even a Christian and he prefers to just retreat to his office and play on the computer, leaving me by myself. But at least in the past, I could go hang out with family. In past years, everyone would just meet up at mom and dad‘s house and we were always hanging out and visiting.

I am really worried about this year. I know I need to put a smile on and make something of everything anyway, but I am not even sure of what to actually do. Past years the seasons are filled at least 50% with stuff with family. this year that is all gone. and a couple other things that we had going on are also gone now. for example my son of been in ballet so it used to be that we got involved with the nutcracker during the season. But he’s not in ballet anymore. we used to do a holiday train trip but we won’t be doing that anymore. we had friends that used to have a holiday party but they have moved away. and my husband‘s company no longer does Christmas parties. basically, I really really miss my dad and I don’t know how to enjoy the holidays without him.

[prairiewindmomma]

You don’t need to put a smile on and make a big fuss through the holidays. I am completely serious. Do what you want to do and make your own traditions.

We had to completely revamp our holiday traditions and I am so glad we did. There was no way to continue what had been done before, so knowing things had to change, we chose something meaningful for us.

They continue to change at our house. We always had a huge Christmas Eve meal growing up and this last winter, I just couldn’t fuss with the China and silver and many courses of food. We ordered pizza and watched movies instead. The kids loved it and it was so much easier for me. I don’t know that we will always do it, but it was a nice change.

 

 

[Annie G]

I would encourage you NOT to put a smile on and carry on as usual. You’re grieving, and that’s a process.  Maybe think about what might bring you a little happiness this season (and it might really bring only the tiniest bit of happiness) . Start a new family tradition, do something to honor your dad, maybe even something as simple as planning Christmas Eve dinner. And that’s all. Just one thing, not everything you usually do.  But show yourself some grace…you lost your dad just months ago and knowing that his last holiday season was isolated is bound to distress you as you anticipate the upcoming months.  Your mental health might just need to take a pass this holiday season and that’s ok, too. 

[mommyoffive]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I think holidays after you lose someone are just not normal and hard.  This holiday season doesn't have to look like the ones before.  I think sometimes that is where people get stuck and try to recreate each holiday the same it was the year before.  But people change life changes.  It doesn't have to be the same.   Each year can be different and you can just spend the day with family doing things you like.  The holidays don't look the same when you have little kids vs big kids. 

This last 18 months has made our holidays a lot different than normal.  My kids all used to be in Nutcracker too and parties at my aunt's house.  But we did different things this year and some we liked better in different ways.  And we have had a bunch of holidays get cancelled for sick kids too over the years.  So we didn't have the huge meal that we always have on Thanksgiving.  We had a good day and that was fine.  I think this last year has taught us that we can be flexible and enjoy the holiday doing whatever. 

So think about what you and your family want to do.  Do you want to rent a cabin?  Go to the beach?  Go on a ski trip? Hiking?  Watch a marathon of movies?   Volunteer?  Create the day or season that you want.  

[happi duck]

So sorry for your loss, many (hugs)

I know it hurts to think about but I think it's really important that you're thinking about this ahead of time.  Being slammed with extra grief without warning is awful.  I find it important to be prepared for the extra wave of grief.

More (hugs)

[Loesje22000]

It is good to grief about losts but also good to ponder about new possibilities. If nutcracker is part of the holiday season buy a ticket of a performance, no it will not be the same, but it might be something.

A lot of people want celebrate Christmas together but are not possible to do so, so maybe volunteer somewhere to help celebrate Christmas? (Shelter, foodbank, nursing home…?) Again it will be not the same, but maybe better then sitting at home with your dh..

Is there some food you connect with Christmas and you will miss? May be you want to learn to cook or bake that so that you will have at least your holiday food?

[kristin0713]

I'm so sorry.  I don't have personal experience with this, but I wanted to reach out with support.  A dear friend of mine who has had some significant losses very highly recommends GriefShare.  Maybe it will be helpful to you.  https://www.griefshare.org 

[Pam in CT]

(( hugs ))

1 hour ago, Annie G said:

I would encourage you NOT to put a smile on and carry on as usual. You’re grieving, and that’s a process.  Maybe think about what might bring you a little happiness this season (and it might really bring only the tiniest bit of happiness) . Start a new family tradition, do something to honor your dad, maybe even something as simple as planning Christmas Eve dinner. And that’s all. Just one thing, not everything you usually do.  But show yourself some grace…you lost your dad just months ago and knowing that his last holiday season was isolated is bound to distress you as you anticipate the upcoming months.  Your mental health might just need to take a pass this holiday season and that’s ok, too. 

All of this. Particularly the bolded.

[marbel]

I'm sorry and I agree it's good you are thinking about this now.  

So, I would think about what would make the holidays nice for you and your kids, new things can you do that will bring some pleasure - not fake smiles - and perhaps some healing for you. 

This is not the same as losing family at all, just an example of changes: we moved from a place where we had lots of friends, lots of space in our home for parties and playdates, and lots of fun activities (and money to pay for them) during the holidays, starting with pumpkin patches and ending at New Year's Eve. Then we moved far away. By Christmas in our new home we still had almost no friends, very little space, and no money for fun activities (or to travel to visit family). So we had to figure out how to make Christmas nice in our new circumstances, while missing so many people/places/traditions. And we did. No it wasn't the same but we got by and started building new traditions, some of which have fallen away by now, 10+ years later. 

So I would think about things you and your kids would enjoy. You can invite your husband but if he is all bah humbug about holidays, you and the kids can carry on without him. 

(My sister cooks a sweet potato every Christmas and puts it on the table  with the rest of the food, in honor of our father who she claims always wanted sweet potatoes at Christmas. No one eats the potato. But it's a fun thing for her and her kids, and is a way to keep their memory of their grandfather alive. Now, I have no memory myself of sweet potatoes at Christmas as a kid (my sister is 5 years older than me), and I think cooking one to not eat is a little odd but it's their tradition and it brings my sister comfort, so... why not.) 

 

Edited August 1, 2021 by marbel

[lmrich]

I am so sorry for your loss. 

Could you plan a trip for the holidays? Do you live within driving distance to the beach or to the mountains? Maybe you could find a cute cabin in the woods and go sled riding or walk the beach in the winter. Check out your state parks. I know a family who spent Thanksgiving camping after a loss and had a great, but different holiday. Whatever it is, keep it simple and pleasant. Love yourself❤️❤️ and honor your grief. 

[Tanaqui]

Janeway, what you *need* to do is take care of yourself. I don't know what that looks like for you, in your situation, but I know it does not look like putting on a smile and carrying on like nothing is wrong.

It is okay to say "You know what? I'm not feeling it this year. Let's low-key Christmas" or "All I'll do is literally make Christmas dinner and buy a present for each kid. If anybody wants something else, they have to arrange it" or "DH, I know Christmas isn't your thing, but this year you have to make it work. If you can't do Church Christmas then you can at least handle the tree and the gifts. That's the 'for better or for worse' clause in our marriage vows".

I'm gonna warn you about something else. It may not be this way for you, but it is for lots of people - you're coming up on two tough times simultaneously: the holiday season AND the one year anniversary of your loss. Many people have a lot of trouble around those two times, and for you, they're happening at the *same* time. The fact that you're already fretting about Christmas and it's only the start of August... unless that's your normal, it may be a warning sign that you're about to hit a resurgence of grief. It may be tempting to try to do ALL THE THINGS to sort of block out the grief or pretend that you're not sad or whatever rationale our brains have during these tough times. It doesn't really work like that, though. Maybe for somebody it works, but not for anybody I've ever heard of. It's better to do less and give yourself room to be sad than to try to do more with a smile only to be totally burned out by the effort.

[regentrude]

6 hours ago, Janeway said:

I know I need to put a smile on and make something of everything anyway, but I am not even sure of what to actually do. 

No, you don't have to. You are grieving, and there is no need to force yourself to recreate holidays that won't ever be the same.

It can be very freeing to scale down or even skip holidays. You could think about which one or two things are most important to you that you could still do, and ask each family member which one thing is the most important one to them. Then skip the rest. 
I did that, and found that out of all the many things I did for the holidays, most only mattered in my mind, and the rest of the family had absolutely no investment. (I struggled with holidays for many years after our emigration because I missed my family and the traditions of my home country and worked incredibly hard to recreate them, unsuccessfully)

It is also possible to just skip all the holiday fuss and not do anything. Have a nice dinner for Christmas, small simple tree, presents for children only - done. Or create a completely new tradition and go away on a  trip with your nuclear family and hole up in a cabin in the woods.

Edited August 1, 2021 by regentrude

[bibiche]

The first Christmas after my family experienced a very sad and unexpected death, we pretty much canceled Christmas altogether. We were traumatized and it was simply too painful to spend the holiday as we normally would have. I think the advice  Tanaqui and regentrude have given you above is perfect.

Edited August 1, 2021 by bibiche