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Would you remarry if you found yourself single?


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1 minute ago, frogger said:

Does it? The life expectancy of a man is less than a woman and from what I can see men who do get through their 60's and 70's live well into their 90's dragging the average up. That is just my observation. I'm too lazy to look anything up but I would not be surprised that their are more older widows than widowers.

There are, it’s true. I’d have to look up the numbers of single people, I suppose!

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Just now, Condessa said:

There seem to be many women on this thread in loving, committed relationships saying they wouldn’t marry again.  

The question (like I said earlier) is whether one can ACTUALLY predict this, though, or whether this is just a “I can’t imagine being with anyone else” thing. I do understand not being able to imagine it!

 

2 minutes ago, Condessa said:

Is there a generally stronger tendency among human males to form multiple attachments/relationships in their lifetimes, and a generally stronger tendency among females to form only one?

I dunno. I feel like I know many serial monogamists of both genders. My father is more naturally monogamous than my mom, I think. 

I’d change my answer if you were asking about purely sexual relationships, I think. But not so much committed ones.

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3 minutes ago, Condessa said:

I don’t doubt this is a real problem, but I don’t think this is the issue with the people my dad works with.  They have significant assets and affording care as they age isn’t a concern.  But with no financial incentives to remarry, most of the women do not and most of the men do.

 Maybe it’s related to natural human tendencies in relationships across various societies through history towards either monogamy or polygamy, but hardly ever has their been a society that regularly engaged in polyandry.  There seem to be many women on this thread in loving, committed relationships saying they wouldn’t marry again.  Not because they are unhappy with marriage in general, but they have already done that, already committed to one relationship, and have no inclination to repeat that process.  Is there a generally stronger tendency among human males to form multiple attachments/relationships in their lifetimes, and a generally stronger tendency among females to form only one?

Well, personally, I take care of a lot of people. I dearly love my husband, he is a great guy and does his best to take care of me but I just don't need attention. He needs attention. If something happened to him I would not pick up another guy who would need attention. I would rest. 

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48 minutes ago, frogger said:

Does it? The life expectancy of a man is less than a woman and from what I can see men who do get through their 60's and 70's live well into their 90's dragging the average up. That is just my observation. I'm too lazy to look anything up but I would not be surprised that their are more older widows than widowers.

I don't know if my life experience is perhaps skewed (although I don't think so), but I've known a LOT of widows over the years but can't only remember one widower (and I had to wrack my brain to think of him, a man from our former church). It's always been my perception that among the 60+ crowd, and especially as you get into the 75+ range, that there are many more women than men. And IME men aren't exactly clamoring to marry women who are older than them, even if the women is quite financially stable. That knowledge plays into my belief that I wouldn't remarry. The odds are against me (my future self), even if I were inclined to try to find someone.

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10 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

I don't know if my life experience is perhaps skewed (although I don't think so), but I've known a LOT of widows over the years but can't only remember one widower (and I had to wrack my brain to think of him, a man from our former church). It's always been my perception that among the 60+ crowd, and especially as you get into the 75+ range, that there are many more women than men. And IME men aren't exactly clamoring to marry women who are older than them, even if the women is quite financially stable. That knowledge plays into my belief that I wouldn't remarry. The odds are against me (my future self), even if I were inclined to try to find someone.

That is true---my experience too.  But more than that I just don't think I want to.  

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At my age, no. I'd have zero interest in remarrying. I didn't marry until I was in my mid-30s and before that I either had roommates or lived alone. I lived alone for 8 years before dh and I moved in together and I was perfectly happy with my living situation. I could happily live alone if anything happened to dh. I might want a platonic companionship but I'd be in good shape financially and wouldn't want to combine finances with anyone else. 

 

On 7/28/2021 at 9:35 AM, Harriet Vane said:

No.

I'll get a dog. 

I might consider being roommates with my besties like the Golden Girls.

Yes this. I actually am part of a close friendship with 3 other women and we call ourselves the Golden Girls. We have plans for if any two or more of us outlive our husbands. Dogs and (not or but and) cats would also be in the mix.

Edited by Lady Florida.
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1 hour ago, frogger said:

Well, personally, I take care of a lot of people. I dearly love my husband, he is a great guy and does his best to take care of me but I just don't need attention. He needs attention. If something happened to him I would not pick up another guy who would need attention. I would rest. 

LOL  This pretty much sums up my view, too.  

I am glad I married.  I have a great dh.  But, if he passed first, I would not be looking for someone else.  I would be hesitant about sharing finances and making a blended family (even of adults) work, too.  And, yes, I need rest from giving everyone around here so much attention!

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I can say with total confidence that there's no way in hell I would ever get married again. I was married for 22 years to an Aspie with severe ADHD plus escalating mental health issues, followed by 6 years single-parenting two intense kids, plus nearly two decades looking after a developmentally disabled relative. The relative passed away, the kids are now adults, and for the first time in decades I'm able to enjoy the freedom and independence to do whatever I want, whenever I want, without having to put the wants and needs of other people first. And it's blissful. 

My DD has an apartment nearby so I see her several times a week, I text or talk with DS almost daily, and I have a super cute dog who provides companionship and endless entertainment in return for treats and belly rubs. Add a large library of Great Courses I haven't had time to watch, shelves full of books I haven't had time to read, a big stack of cookbooks full of recipes I'm dying to try (but neither of my kids would eat), and a house that actually stays clean, and I'm happy as a clam.

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1 hour ago, freesia said:

LOL  This pretty much sums up my view, too.  

I am glad I married.  I have a great dh.  But, if he passed first, I would not be looking for someone else.  I would be hesitant about sharing finances and making a blended family (even of adults) work, too.  And, yes, I need rest from giving everyone around here so much attention!

I've been thinking.  Maybe I take for granted a lot of the good things about my happy marriage and only think about the small irritations that would disappear if I was on my own.

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1 minute ago, Laura Corin said:

I've been thinking.  Maybe I take for granted a lot of the good things about my happy marriage and only think about the small irritations that would disappear if I was on my own.

Yep. That's actually kind of what I meant when I said that people can't really model this situation. It's the "grass is greener" phenomenon: it's a lot easier to visualize the annoyances that irritate one disappearing than it is to take stock of all the nice things you currently have that would go. 

If I had to guess, I'd probably remarry. I do better in a partnership: I'm more stable and happier. But it doesn't mean that this is how I FEEL day to day.

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2 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

I've been thinking.  Maybe I take for granted a lot of the good things about my happy marriage and only think about the small irritations that would disappear if I was on my own.

I think about this, too.  I didn't marry until I was 31 and do remember periods of profound loneliness.  It's easy right now, so surrounded by company to assume that wouldn't happen again.  I am sure I am taking it for granted.  I think I just need a vacation--it's been a tough year and a half for sure.

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Just now, freesia said:

I think about this, too.  I didn't marry until I was 31 and do remember periods of profound loneliness.  It's easy right now, so surrounded by company to assume that wouldn't happen again.  I am sure I am taking it for granted.  I think I just need a vacation--it's been a tough year and a half for sure.

Don't we all?? 

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21 minutes ago, freesia said:

I think about this, too.  I didn't marry until I was 31 and do remember periods of profound loneliness.  It's easy right now, so surrounded by company to assume that wouldn't happen again.  I am sure I am taking it for granted.  I think I just need a vacation--it's been a tough year and a half for sure.

I was chatting with a widow friend of mine.... I told her I liked being alone.  She said, 'you might change your mind when you are alone all of the time.'  

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54 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

Husband used to go away on business. Not in the last 18 months.....

Yeah.  There was actually no reason for dh to start working at home.  He works next door with a part time secretary who can work from home.  But he did and he's pretty much still working at home.  I'm thinking of a way to ask if he could go in one day a week but I need to figure out how to say it without it sounding like it's about him--bc it's completely about me!

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4 hours ago, frogger said:

I don't even want a dog to take care of: possibly, very hardy plants.

 

I can't even care for plants. 

I've got fake ones in my room, now, and they bring me the pleasure of not needing a single thing from me. 

Which is the greatest pleasure, currently. 

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2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I was chatting with a widow friend of mine.... I told her I liked being alone.  She said, 'you might change your mind when you are alone all of the time.'  

Yeah. It's horrible. 
And I'm an unsociable Aspie who doesn't want to deal with most people, most of the time anyway. I don't want to imagine being an extrovert.

 


I would like another try at marriage because I didn't get a proper go the first time. I haven't btdt 

And if we're talking about age, yes, I would definitely go older! I would want someone too old to pull the man-child stunt.

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29 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:


And if we're talking about age, yes, I would definitely go older! I would want someone too old to pull the man-child stunt.

Bad news.  I’ve known 90 year olds who pull that.

Edited by Danae
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On older male vs. older female demographics:

Remember that Baby Boomers, now in their 70s, served and many died in Vietnam. Men dying in war has usually caused a difference in male to female ratios. Even women dying in childbirth never matched the numbers of men dying in battle or due to infections from battle.
 

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1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Yeah. It's horrible. 
And I'm an unsociable Aspie who doesn't want to deal with most people, most of the time anyway. I don't want to imagine being an extrovert.

 


I would like another try at marriage because I didn't get a proper go the first time. I haven't btdt 

And if we're talking about age, yes, I would definitely go older! I would want someone too old to pull the man-child stunt.

Rosie that is EXACTLY the reason I wanted to remarry. I guess I wanted to prove to myself I could be a good wife and I could attract a decent man. It has been so wonderful. It has boosted my confidence in my version of reality so much.  I hope you get the chance like I did.  

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2 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Remember that Baby Boomers, now in their 70s, served and many died in Vietnam. Men dying in war has usually caused a difference in male to female ratios. Even women dying in childbirth never matched the numbers of men dying in battle or due to infections from battle.
 

47,000 Americans died in the Vietnam War. That seems hardly an explanation. For perspective, the AARP has 38 million members.

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I can’t imagine I would remarry or even date, but I guess one never knows for sure. I certainly hope my husband would date and remarry if he wanted to. Our adult son has made it very clear that he expects no inheritance and really wants us to enjoy our $ while we can. So I’m not too concerned about my husband possibly mixing finances with someone else.

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2 hours ago, Danae said:

Bad news.  I’ve known 90 year olds who pull that.

Yeah. One only needs to look at some very public figures to know that there is not always a relationship between age and maturity.

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5 hours ago, regentrude said:

I sure would like the companionship. But that does not mean marriage, nor does it mean my companion would be a man. 

Exactly, I hope I have grandchildren. There are many people to visit and help and I hope I have friends.

 

 

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OTOH, it could turn out that we won't last long once one of us dies. Who knows? It tends to be a trend in my family. My Uncle was in the hospital when my Aunt suddenly died and when he found out he refused all treatment and died within 24 hours. My grandmother had absolutely nothing wrong with her that anyone could figure out. She was taking care of Grandpa at full capacity on their ranch. Then he died. Then she just pined away talking about him. She went from living on the ranch to assisted care to full nursing home within a year. In the nursing home she used to ask me why they wouldn't let her see him. She was gone within a year. After 68 years, if one of you dies, it's like losing a piece of yourself. 

Edited by frogger
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