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Would you remarry if you found yourself single?


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36 minutes ago, GracieJane said:

I‘m curious: would you want your spouse to remarry if you died?

The thought of this used to make me physically ill, now I'd say yes.  If given a choice (obviously I wouldn't be given one) I would like to choose next spouse for dh after my death.  I don't believe in ghosts, but this may be enough of a reason to come back and haunt someone until they get it right. 👻 

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1 minute ago, Excelsior! Academy said:

The thought of this used to make me physically ill, now I'd say yes.  If given a choice (obviously I wouldn't be given one) I would like to choose next spouse for dh after my death.  I don't believe in ghosts, but this may be enough of a reason to come back and haunt someone until they get it right. 👻 

Interesting! Which qualities would you choose in his future spouse?

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My life path has taken several surprising twists and turns, so I'm kind of the mind to "never say never".  Pretty sure I'd be happy to be single for the duration, or could be happy re-married.  However, at least right now, the thought of dating, is unthinkable.

And, as normative as being coupled is, I struggle even with the terminology of dating at a certain age.  If two people are old enough to have grandkids, can you call them "boyfriend/girlfriend"?  That doesn't seem right.  Partners?  That sounds like a business relationship.

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I wouldn't seek out relationships or marriage but if it happens I'd be open to it.  Interesting that so few here say they would not remarry.  All but one person I know irl has remarried some quite quickly.  Divorced or widowed young to old they have all probably none have remained single more than 5 yrs.

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13 minutes ago, Excelsior! Academy said:

The thought of this used to make me physically ill, now I'd say yes.  If given a choice (obviously I wouldn't be given one) I would like to choose next spouse for dh after my death.  I don't believe in ghosts, but this may be enough of a reason to come back and haunt someone until they get it right. 👻 

A dear friend of mine used to have a running list in her Bible of potential spouses for her husband if she died and left him with 5 young kids.

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13 minutes ago, PaxEtLux said:



And, as normative as being coupled is, I struggle even with the terminology of dating at a certain age.  If two people are old enough to have grandkids, can you call them "boyfriend/girlfriend"?  That doesn't seem right.  Partners?  That sounds like a business relationship.

That's some of what were struggling with. Neither of us have grandchildren yet, but calling him my boyfriend or partner doesn't convey the relationship well. We've settled for significant other (SO) for now.

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19 minutes ago, PaxEtLux said:


And, as normative as being coupled is, I struggle even with the terminology of dating at a certain age.  If two people are old enough to have grandkids, can you call them "boyfriend/girlfriend"?  That doesn't seem right.  Partners?  That sounds like a business relationship.

In many groups,  "partner" is the well accepted term. Even for younger persons. It has the additional advantage of being non-gendered, because sometimes that isn't information a person wants to broadcast. Or the human they're dating is non-binary, so bf/gf don't apply.

You could go with "my man" /"my woman".

Edited by regentrude
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2 hours ago, GracieJane said:

Interesting! Which qualities would you choose in his future spouse?

Sharing children.  I ultimately don't care who he marries, but I'll be &*%$ if he chooses someone awful to parent my minor children. 

 

Edited:  I misread the question the first time and thought you were asking why not which.

The edited answer:

Someone who would be a good mother to my children and not bring lots of drama, yet be willing to deal with my family's.  Also, someone who parents similarly to us.  All of our current decisions have been made with lots of background information, thought and prayer.  I would really dislike someone coming in an switching things up. I get it's not a totally fair thing to ask of someone, but ghosts aren't particularly known for their logic in whom and what they choose to haunt.  

Edited by Excelsior! Academy
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No.   I would never be able to find the love and friendship I share with my husband.  With all the crazy stories and cat fishing I wouldn't be able to trust anyone.

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2 minutes ago, lynn said:

No.   I would never be able to find the love and friendship I share with my husband.  With all the crazy stories and cat fishing I wouldn't be able to trust anyone.

Everyone always asks me how did I manage to trust again after my divorce.  I trusted my friends....they had known now dh a long time.  So when they wanted to introduce us we both agreed. 

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4 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

I might like to date casually (not for teA.) Highly unlikely I’d remarry. I think I’d want to have freedom to make decisions about travel, where to live, what to eat for dinner, all those million daily choices that we don’t realize have to include the factor of someone else’s availability/capabilities/preferences…. I have done that in family life for decades and think I would appreciate the breather. 
 

IF I found exactly the right guy and fell madly in love? Maybe. But I have to say what others may be thinking but haven’t said yet. The guy would have to be way beyond being financially stable, know what I’m saying? Sorry if that sounds materialistic, but I’ve done the “I’ve Got You Babe” thing already and once was enough. 

Yes, there is that too.  Since I am close to retirement age I don't want to take on someone who is barely making ends meet.  I can do that better alone.

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1 hour ago, Selkie said:

I'll just get old with my kids and (imaginary future) grandkids and horses and dogs.

I'm guessing I'd turn into the crazy dog (and maybe cat) lady. And that would be pretty cool. 

 

1 hour ago, livetoread said:

 I would gladly care for dh through sickness and in health, and he would for me, but I'm not sure I'd be willing to do that for anyone else. I see my elderly folks and what it can entail, and I am sort of over that level of intense giving unless it was for someone I already have a very long history with. So separate households, separate finances, and friends with benefits sounds good to me. Depending on someone or someone depending on me does not.

Ditto. Caregiving is very, very hard. It's one thing to do it for someone with whom you have a lifetime of memories. I think it would be quite another thing entirely to have to deal with it for someone you'd only been with for a handful of years.

 

1 hour ago, GracieJane said:

I‘m curious: would you want your spouse to remarry if you died?

That would be entirely up to him, although I'm doubtful he would. He's even more of an introverted homebody than I am. But he's also much more trustful and less cynical about humanity than I am, so . . . maybe he would.

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37 minutes ago, regentrude said:

In many groups,  "partner" is the well accepted term. Even for younger persons. It has the additional advantage of being non-gendered, because sometimes that isn't information a person wants to broadcast. Or the human they're dating is non-binary, so bf/gf don't apply.

 

To me, "partner" implies a serious relationship akin to marriage, but, for whatever reason, marriage is off the table, but you've been together for some time.

I'm talking about a term for an earlier phase of a relationship.  (This earlier phase which I can't imagine ever being in again).  A stage where you aren't living together or sharing expenses.  I don't know, maybe we don't need a better term than "friend".  I guess it is no one else's business the level of "friendship".

Edited by PaxEtLux
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1 hour ago, GracieJane said:

I‘m curious: would you want your spouse to remarry if you died?

I would want him to strongly consider the health of our children before considering even starting a relationship. If the kids are in a good mental space and ok with him dating and remarrying than I have no issue with it

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I don't think I would. I have trust issues, teen girls, and a young child. I can see myself becoming romantically involved, but I don't think I'd want to remarry or have someone live in my home with us. Maybe I would after my youngest is grown.

As for DH- I expect he would remarry and it doesn't bother me. I'm sure he would choose carefully. 

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1 hour ago, GracieJane said:

I‘m curious: would you want your spouse to remarry if you died?

I would expect him to. Whether I would want it or not is irrelevant, I certainly would be beyond caring at that point and have no desire to try to control people from beyond the grave. We actually had that conversation once and I told him that if it happens he had better take care of my/his children with regard to inheritance, family heirlooms, etc. I have know a few people who lost treasured items and family money due to a father's remarriage to a woman who inherited it all when the husband died, and kept it all for her own kids.

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I adore my husband, and figure the only way I will become single is as a widow.   I told my husband that if I die, he can choose to date/remarry as soon as he feels.   I trust his judgement.  

I also will have that freedom if I end up widowed.   I don't know if we will use it, but I figure that there should not be a hang-up on waiting or wondering what the other would want.   I want my husband to be happy, and wish him luck in finding a substitute 😉.   

Our love for each other will not end when the other dies, but new love can be added if the right person comes along.

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I'm assuming dh has died in this scenario.

I think I'd consider it. I like being in a pair. It would depend on finding the right person. I don't assume that the partnership and deep relationship I have with him is somehow so special that I couldn't find another deep relationship with another person.

I think dh would. Honestly, I can't imagine he wouldn't.

Edited by Farrar
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I would be open to it. I would wait until my youngest was at least in his later teens. I don't want parenting help from someone who isn't my kids' parent. But I would want someone to be with after my kids have flown the nest. 

I have told my dh that I want him to remarry. I want him to be happy and I think he would be happier married. I would hope that he would marry someone who would love my kids. I'm sure he would pick well, he has good taste!

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Maybe, but maybe not. I have never lived completely on my own. If something happens do DH, I want to live on my own terms for awhile. I would like a break from being responsible for other people, not to mention cleaning and cooking for other people.

my BFF and I joke that we will be roommates at an assisted living apartment somewhere near the ocean after our husbands are gone.

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Caregiving and finances/inheritances are two big reasons that I would really be hesitant to go in the direction of re-marriage and would also want DH to take the same things into consideration.

I want my kids to come first, in every decision and consideration - by me and by my DH. I want the things/life/lifestyle we worked for together, as a couple for our family, to remain for our family.

Younger me made some mistakes and gave up too much of myself to the wife and mom roles. I'm getting better about taking time for my own needs and desires, but now that my Dad passed last year, I've also taken on additional mental/emotional/physical support roles for my Mom. I'm not looking to take on additional caregiving and support responsibilities for any more humans at this point in my life or for a long time.

That may change at some point when my kids are fully launched, but it's hard to imagine given my current reality.

 

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Nope to me remarrying.

I'm sure he would remarry. Whoever was the prospect would have to face quite a lot of scrutiny from a lot of dc, though! Not sure any gal would want to take on the challenge of coming into this family, lol.

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It’s hard to imagine me doing so.  While I can’t know the future, I can’t stress enough how little interest I have in forming a romantic relationship with anyone other than my husband.  While my husband is exceptional in many ways, my reasoning is not that he’s irreplaceable- it’s mainly that I don’t think I would be inclined to put in the effort to form such a bond again.  

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19 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

I am single and nope, never. 

The most I'm in the market for is a FWB. 

So my church denomination is Free Will Baptist. Which is abbreviated with the initials that you listed. And I couldn't figure out why you (out of all of the denominations in the world) chose a Free Will Baptist. 

 

I'm a little slow today.

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Just now, fairfarmhand said:

So my church denomination is Free Will Baptist. Which is abbreviated with the initials that you listed. And I couldn't figure out why you (out of all of the denominations in the world) chose a Free Will Baptist. 

 

I'm a little slow today.

Now, now,  I'm sure there are some very pleasant Free Will Baptists out there!  😂

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I seriously doubt it. I like being married, and greatly enjoy the companionship with dh. But as some said, the intertwining again of lives with someone else's and their family/children/grandchildren--well, I have quite a lot of my own, and it is challenging enough trying to keep up with them. I don't want to add others and feel I need to invest deeply into those relationships too. I would want to choose where I live without worrying about his work or other circumstances determining that. I am past menopause, and teA isn't as important to me as it used to be (I used to be pretty sure I would remarry if given the right opportunity). I enjoy my own company. 

It's possible I might find someone who I was very comfortable with and the circumstances were just right, and in that case, I might be willing for the friendship/companionship. But I don't think so. I don't really want to expend the effort it takes to make a good marriage after having spent almost 40 years on this one. I'd rather expend that effort on the family I already have.

As for him, I think he would remarry. I am fine with that, theoretically. Practically, it would concern me as far as our adult kids and how it might affect dh's relationships with them and their families.

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I doubt it.  And I get that people change their mind and not always know what they want to do or might flip flop depending on circumstances life throw at them, etc.  

BUT I'm in my 50's now.  I definitely could have imagined different scenarios earlier in life.  Being independent sounds pretty awesome to me.  I hope I have many years with my husband left and we get to enjoy many post college years empty nest and retirement years.  

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4 hours ago, elegantlion said:

I totally get this. Ex left me with huge trust issues. My current SO earned my trust years before we were together (and he's kept it too!). I can't see myself ever just randomly dating people - I certainly don't trust easily, and I didn't want to be relationship with someone that wasn't vetted by me or my friends. 

I absolutely do not trust myself to pick good relationship material, and have decided that's a task to work on in the next incarnation. 

I like your idea of friends doing some vetting, though. 

 

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I can imagine repartnering. I could even imagine starting another family if I squint really hard. 

I cannot imagine wanting to live with them. No, no, no.
Walking distance would be nice. "Hey, I made curry, come get some." "Sure, I'll be there in ten!"

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31 minutes ago, bookbard said:

Every single person I know who divorced said 'never again, I will never, ever marry again.' They all have! I think you get lonely, after a bit.

I am 3  1/2 years out and am considering it.   Even a nice guy to hang out with occasionally and do something with.   I am open to something more serious but I have my kids to consider.

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I think both me and my husband would remarry. We really love being married. Perhaps we are naïve maybe we only love being married to each other...

I spent my 20's being young and free. It ran it's course through my system and I really like sharing my life with someone. Plus everyone who knows me knows I'm a very dependent person. Random things would not happen if no one kept me accountable; like pay bills, home maintenance, etc. 

I wouldn't mind dating either. It was fun when I did it before my husband. Even now my husband and I sometimes pretend to go on first dates with each other.

The only issue is I'm married to the man of my dreams so perhaps no other guy would marry me and try to live up to that.

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I would not actively look for a new relationship, but if one fell into my lap I’d be open to it.  Which is how my current marriage happened — I’d pretty much given up on dating and decided to be happy with my single life. And I was!  I didn’t date from ages 22-32.  And then married at 33, first kid at 34.  

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Definitely not.  Dh had to work pretty hard to convince me to get married again to him and I have no desire to try and date or remarry ever again.  

If dh passes before I do (likely since he's 13 years older and women tend to live longer), if our kids are out of the house it will literally be the first time in my entire life I'd be living on my own.   I went from parents house to exh to divorced but single mom to married with two more kids.  

ETA:  Just wanted to add that living alone for the first time in my life sounds wonderful.  I did share custody of dd so had alone time when I was a single mom and I really enjoyed the quiet.   One of the reasons dh and I get along so well is we are both introverts and can easily sit quietly and do our own thing without any issues.  My ex was a strong extrovert and expected to always be going and doing things out of the house.  

Edited by Wheres Toto
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95% sure not.  Lots of reasons, none of which related to DH, who is a good man and a good husband.

90% sure dh would remarry, and that would be great.  But he is older than I and so it is not likely to happen.

I have all the variables covered (said they wouldn't but did; VV, said they would but didn't and VV) and all that says to me is "never say never."  Thus, the 5% on my own bet. 

When I was young, all my friends and I said, "When I hit my 50s/60s, I'm going back to school and get my master's degree!"  Now, I couldn't be less interested. When you look at future possibilities, you have to remember that you will be a different person by that time. You don't get old in a 35yo body. You don't get over being a couple by suddenly being alone.  

I told my longest-term friend that if DH precedes me in death, the very first thing I am going to do after I get my bearings is sell this house and buy a condo "over there." (Specific condo complex.). I told her this so that when I do it, I won't get a ration about not making major decisions for the first year after a death.  This will not be the case because I have already decided it.  

I hope I don't have to act on it.  Remembering my own dictum, maybe by the time it happens, I myself will have changed.

 

Edited by Resilient
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I would not bring a new man into the house until my daughter had a apartment/home of her own (which would be in like 5 years or so).

I would certainly not "date" as in go out with strangers to see if I am compatible with them. And, although I know it has worked for some, online dating is absolutely not for me. I am very independent but have spent decades reining in my aspirations (travel, horse-ownership, lazy days spent daydreaming, writing more novels) caring for my two not easy-going children and my not easy-going husband and will certainly be doing a lot of elder care in the future. So I would not spend any time TRYING to find a match out there among people I haven't met, because I can be perfectly happy by myself doing the things I haven't yet gotten to do. I also have a number of female friends who are also adventurous and would certainly travel, ride, or daydream with me.

However, I have had many close male friends (just friends) throughout my life and some nice ex-boyfriends whom I would consider getting to know again in a romantic way if they were also divorced or widowers. They are known quantities, each with a period of shared history with me. I already love them (non-romantically) and for several of them I have watched them grow up from teen to middle aged adult and know they are of good character. Thus, I could see myself as a widow finding love at my 50th high school reunion, for example. The problem of course is that I will never ever live outside my home state again, I am firmly rooted here, and my male friends are scattered far and wide all over the country and the world. And while I would travel to visit and maybe have a romantic tryst, even if we got along well, there is no guarantee any of them would uproot themselves to move where I live... and those frequent flights to, say, Australia would eat up my retirement funds pretty quickly!

 

 

Edited by Kalmia
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4 hours ago, GracieJane said:

I‘m curious: would you want your spouse to remarry if you died?

I wouldn't care if he did but I doubt he will.  He didn't date for 9 years before we got together and he's already 65 years old.   He likes sitting at home watching his tv (we are all strong introverts) so I can't picture him dating.   He does all the cooking, occasionally does laundry, etc so certainly doesn't NEED a wife.  He is more than capable of taking care of himself and our kids until they are adults (only 4 years until youngest is 18).  

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