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Would you remarry if you found yourself single?


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Thinking about people in my situation - happily married, middle aged, and who wouldn't need a second income or a second parent for young children.

I don't think I would.  I can imagine having some kind of future partner but not living together with lives completely intertwined. I would enjoy my space, and I don't feel like taking on a new set of caring responsibilities. 

How about you?

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5 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

Thinking about people in my situation - happily married, middle aged, and who wouldn't need a second income or a second parent for young children.

I don't think I would.  I can imagine having some kind of future partner but not living together with lives completely intertwined. I would enjoy my space, and I don't feel like taking on a new set of caring responsibilities. 

How about you?

Almost positively no.  My marriage to dh is so wonderful I know I would not find that again. I will be happy to enjoy my kids and grandkids, friends etc.

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No, I don’t think so. And I’ve maybe spent more time thinking about it than many my age, since DH has stage IV cancer. Never say never, but I think I value my autonomy more than I would want another partner. I could be peaceful and content alone, if not completely happy. And I value peace and contentment a great deal. 

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I feel the same way as you do. I wouldn't want the whole intertwining of lives again if I did have a relationship. Chances are I might choose to stay happily single.

If I did live with someone again, I think living with a bunch of girlfriends "Golden Girls style" might be the way to go. 😁

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I've been married for 25 years. We married at 21 yo.

I have realized with maturity how big of a leap it is to hitch your fortunes and future to another human being. I'm glad I did it, and I believe it has value to society. But holy moly, one person can really go off the rails and mess up things up for you. That's when one partner makes bad choices. It doesn't even account for sickness, injury, mental health issues, etc. There really is a surrender of autonomy over your life that you are handing over to another person.

So, I would say that I would not do it again. If I was going to do it with all kinds of financial safeguards, etc. I would probably just not marry. I feel like once was enough. That said, it seems that when asked this question many people say they would not remarrry. But many people ultimately do. There is something about humans that like to couple up I guess. 

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Yes, if I was very much in love.

Not as, like, a lifestyle goal to always be in a couple.

I imagine I'd be very picky.

While I think both the work and the grief of having lived through the last days of my current spouse might interfere with it being likely that I would fall in love... I just wouldn't be able to guess what it would actually do to my heart. The evidence of the older folks around me seems to say that finding one's self in brand new love at a ripe old age is not unlikely. I think that might be fun.

I don't think I'd try to have a long term 'special someone' without a marriage, unless there was a very strong reason to choose that. I wouldn't want just someone to go out with. I like the family-feel of sharing loving feelings with a true insider to my life.

I would definitely more careful and proactive (ie involving lawyers) for setting up the legal blending (or not) of finances, inheritances, POA, medical wishes, wills, etc.

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No. Been with my DH for 34 years. The chance of finding someone who could live up to him is close to zero. And the expectation is too heavy a burden to put on any human.
If, as unlikely as I find it, I should fall in love with another person, I would not marry them. 

Edited by regentrude
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If I found someone as wonderful as my dh, yes.  I really love sharing my life with him and if he weren't around I would want to find someone to share my life with on the same level.  I do not find marriage with dh hard at all, never have. 

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I can’t see myself in another heteronormative marriage, no. I have no interest in that at all. Were I to find myself single at this point, I would view it as an opportunity to live my “parallel life” instead, not necessarily alone but almost certainly not with another man. 

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No. I don’t want to divide my time and money between my kids and some future spouse. I also would not want my husband to ever remarry. If we were to lose each other through death or divorce, I would want the remaining parent to put all of their focus into the family we’d have left. 

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3 minutes ago, MEmama said:

I can’t see myself in another heteronormative marriage, no. I have no interest in that at all. Were I to find myself single at this point, I would view it as an opportunity to live my “parallel life” instead, not necessarily alone but almost certainly not with another man. 

I wonder about this too. I had a whole other previous life but have been happily passing for straight for 33 years.

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No.

But I say that knowing life throws surprises at people. I had only intended to have a fun date or few with dh as a distraction from the day to day, and I married him 8 months later.

Still, I would never go looking for anyone to do another marriage with. Can I reserve a hypothetical every-other-weekend relationship? That seems like plenty! And that’s not a commentary on marriage exactly, but on turning lemons into lemonade which, for me, would be the opportunity to be selfish instead of considering other people 24/7.  
(In my hypothetical, kids are all grown and flown.)

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Probably not. A lot of people who were raised in dysfunction aren’t good pickers. I can see this in my family and in my extended family, too. In my older and wiser age now, I can see that I ended up being lucky in my marriage in spite of the odds. We created a happy, emotionally healthy family. I’d be terrified to be a picker again now, especially in today’s times. I’d have trust issues with everyone, including myself, as a picker. What if this super nice person ended up being a narcissist? No thanks. I could be quite happy being peaceful alone, just enjoying my grown children and friends. Of course, I’d have a cat or a dog, as long as there’s a reliable person who would be willing to take over their care if I pass first.

I, too, would enjoy my own autonomy very much for the remainder of my days.

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Well, I wasn't happily married, but we were together for nearly 20 years. 

I'm now in a committed relationship with someone I was friends with previously - although I didn't know him prior to my separation from ex. Will we marry? I don't know but we are committed to one another. It's scary how compatiable we really are, part of it is we were friends first, part of it is age (we're both 50+). Our expectations are different. 
 

While I had liked him for more than a friend long before were a couple, I was content to remain friends only if he would be part of my life. If the romantic part of our relationship hadn't worked, I doubt I'd be looking for another partner. Being in a relationship with him has been more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. :wub: I can't imagine finding anyone else like him. 

I will say it's nice to have different expectations that I would have had at 20. We keep our finances separate, we even buy our own groceries- although he picks up a lot of dinner items. We're both introverts and like our space too which is nice. 

Edited by elegantlion
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Don't know.  I've not been married, and I also haven't ever lived alone.  Sometimes I feel like I'd like to try one or the other, LOL.  But the thought of taking on another person's personality and health issues?  It doesn't sound all that relaxing to me, LOL.  Especially with the added dynamic of adult kid / stepparent relationships.  Then again, the thought of being old and shut-in with nobody to really talk to?  That doesn't sound wonderful either.

I'm turning 55 this year, watching my parents age and some of my friends die.  I begin to think about planning for my old age.  My plans always involve being able to get out of bed and go somewhere most days.  What if I can't?  Will my kids bother to spend time with me?  Or maybe (assuming I outlive my older housemates), I'll sell the house and move into some assisted living apartment where you can have dinner with others....

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Well..... that is the very question I  struggling with.   I have been single parenting it now for 3 1/2 years.   Overall I am happy and things are going well.

That said, there are certainly times where I think that remarriage might be nice.   It would be a slow process and take a very special man as not only is there me, but my kids with special needs who are only semi independent.

I would make sure though that our finances we come into the marriage with go to our perspective kids/family, etc.   Lots to consider in that area.

So...whether or not I join the online dating thing my friends are encouraging me to do, are still in the air.

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6 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Probably not. A lot of people who were raised in dysfunction aren’t good pickers. I can see this in my family and in my extended family, too. In my older and wiser age now, I can see that I ended up being lucky in my marriage in spite of the odds. We created a happy, emotionally healthy family. I’d be terrified to be a picker again now, especially in today’s times. I’d have trust issues with everyone, including myself, as a picker. What if this super nice person ended up being a narcissist? No thanks. I could be quite happy being peaceful alone, just enjoying my grown children and friends. Of course, I’d have a cat or a dog, as long as there’s a reliable person who would be willing to take over their care if I pass first.

I, too, would enjoy my own autonomy very much for the remainder of my days.

I totally get this. Ex left me with huge trust issues. My current SO earned my trust years before we were together (and he's kept it too!). I can't see myself ever just randomly dating people - I certainly don't trust easily, and I didn't want to be relationship with someone that wasn't vetted by me or my friends. 

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Nope. I’d really rather just spend time with kids, grandkids, friends. I have no desire to start over building a romantic relationship. 
However, I’m sure dh would want to remarry. He’s lost without me when I’m gone for a few days. Both his cousin and best friend lost their wives and remarried within the year and dh totally understood. The women are truly nice, I just don’t want to do it again. 

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There's really only one man I would be happy to marry if I became single. And we would still need marital therapy to iron out stuff. I like being married. But I wouldn't do it with most people. They make me grumpy.

Edited by YaelAldrich
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My inclination is toward no, because I have already been married twice and I know from the in-between time (12 years of being single as an adult after my divorce) I can be very happy alone. 

But, who knows? There was a time I thought I would never get married, never have children, yet here I am, married 26 years with 2 grown kids. So I don't really rule much of anything out in terms of "would you..." ever.  

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I know myself. Almost certainly, yes, but I would try to wait a few years until my daughters have grown and flown. 
 

I really value close companionship. I wouldn’t marry just to marry, but if the right person came along, for sure marriage would be back on the table of negotiations. 

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I can't picture it. I think it would be very hard to find someone I love and trust enough and messing with dating seems like a PITA. I don't know any other guys good enough I'd want to marry them. I've oddly thought of this a lot lately, why I don't know.

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On the one hand, it's too much of a hypothetical to have any real idea. 

But playing around with the thought a bit, IDK, I'd think I'd be open to remarrying, but unlikely to actually make a real effort at dating.  I like being married, but I like my own company, too - and I definitely don't like the whole "meeting people" process.  But if a good man fell into my lap (the way dh did), I think I'd seriously consider it, at least. 

Edited by forty-two
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Nope. I'm too picky and can't imagine there is anyone else out there who I could stand being with longterm. Dh and I are so compatible, in a once-in-a-lifetime kind of way. I'll just get old with my kids and (imaginary future) grandkids and horses and dogs.

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Of course I would.  I’m only 41, and I have a really good relationships with my stepparents.  I would want that for my kids.  I’d be picky as hell, but I live in a big city. Lots of people out there.  I found a good one once, I could do it again. 

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1 hour ago, saraha said:

It depends I think. If I were single because of divorce, no. If I were widowed, maaaayyyybbbbbeeeee

That is funny....I was exactly the opposite.  I married within 1 year of my divorce being final...but if I am ever widowed I think nope.

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I read an article recently about elderly people (mostly women) who have subsequent relationships after their spouse died but are refusing to combine households or marry and take on care giving roles. I was intrigued by that. I'm in my mid 50s with almost launched kids, and have a great relationship with dh. If something happened to him, I could see myself finding someone else for companionship, but I have a hard time seeing myself remarrying and intertwining lives to that extent. I would gladly care for dh through sickness and in health, and he would for me, but I'm not sure I'd be willing to do that for anyone else. I see my elderly folks and what it can entail, and I am sort of over that level of intense giving unless it was for someone I already have a very long history with. So separate households, separate finances, and friends with benefits sounds good to me. Depending on someone or someone depending on me does not.

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2 minutes ago, GracieJane said:

I‘m curious: would you want your spouse to remarry if you died?

Sure, if he found somebody who made him happy and whom he would like to spend his life with.
I could also imagine DH be happily single because he's that kind of person who likes his own company.

Edited by regentrude
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Not until my kids were grown. I’ve always heard that statistically  the most dangerous person in a child’s life is an unrelated male in the home, aka moms boyfriend.  So nope. Maybe a companion after that but not a marriage.  

Edited by HeartString
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I sincerely doubt it. I'd be perfectly content going to work and coming home to an empty house every night. TMI Alert: Due to my cancer treatment years ago, my desire to make Tea is less than zero, so I'd be happy to take that off the table.

DH if I were gone: he'd probably get married. He went straight from his parents' house to my house, so he's never lived alone, and I don't see him enjoying it. But I'd be gone, so he could do what he wanted.

My elderly neighbor never remarried after her husband died when he was barely 50, and just the past couple of years, her SO moved in with her as he needed some care. She went back and forth for a couple of months prior to him moving in as she wasn't sure she wanted that, even though they've been together for almost 20 years at this point. 

My grandmother never even dated after my grandfather died at age 40. 

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14 minutes ago, HeartString said:

Not until my kids were grown. I’ve always heard that statistically  the most dangerous person in a child’s life is an unrelated male in the home, aka moms boyfriend.  So nope. Maybe a companion after that but not a marriage.  

This is a statistically true and very scary.  I was hypervigilant about it when I remarried when my son was 10.  

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32 minutes ago, GracieJane said:

I‘m curious: would you want your spouse to remarry if you died?

If that made him happy, then sure. But it had better be someone that our (young adult) kids can stand to be around! Dh and I have both had to put up with less-than-stellar mate selections by our widowed parents.

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I’m Im recently divorced. I have zero intention of ever dating again. He and I were together for about 30 years. While our marriage was strange at times I was never with anyone but him in all those years and never will be with anyone else.

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Sometimes dh and I joke around about who of our friends might end up together when their mates die.....There is literally NO ONE in my circle I can imagine wanting to be married to if I was widowed.  

I do think dh will remarry...he doesn't really like to be alone the way I do. I  mean, I love being with him....but I can do alone better than he can.

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If the right person came along, then I probably would. Otherwise, I can be happy living alone.  I could have my kids ( if they wanted to live with me assuming they are adults) and animals and be fine.  
 

Honestly,  at my age and with the way the world is now I might not ever want to get into the dating world. It would take a very special person. 

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