. . .

[Drama Llama]

.

Edited October 27, 2021 by Nothingtoseehere

[Rosie_0801]

Well, I know mine won't be dating until she moves out of home!
There's something off-putting about your father watching, lol.

I shall certainly be watching this thread though. Dd has been telling me she's been watching Youtube vids of dating in the 1800's, and I told her she'd better watch something more modern, because things have changed. 😆

[Melissa Louise]

Here, kids go to parties together. Or to the movies etc. Or come over and hang out.

Ds' and g/friend are neo-punk so they hang out with the other goth/punks at the record shop, the op shop, the sushi shop, the cemetery 😂 

Or stay home and game together/watch movies/eat snacks. 

Idk if my kids dating practices are usual, but I think they are? They do not call it dating, though ( well, DD does but she's an outlier, I think). Dating is pretty American - it wasn't really s thing when I was a teen either. 'Going out' was the term used. Now the kids don't even use that. 

I've only ever been on two official dates in my life, lol. I don't understand dating really. 

 

 

 

 

[Tanaqui]

Well, we're still treating the pandemic like a pandemic, because we live with my mother who uses oxygen, so dating means spending a lot of time talking on the phone and occasionally hanging out on our porch with the dogs, everybody masked. (Rarely, because the kids insisted on going to school in the city instead of on the Island, and we could've warned them that nobody would want to come out here to visit. I think we did warn them, actually, and since we don't have a car we for sure aren't going out there to visit.)

But otherwise, they do the things that you expect dating kids to do - they hang out together, go to the movies, stay up much too late talking on the phone, give each other gifts, and presumably they also make out and stuff.

I don't encourage them to have sex - and have, in fact, told them that I think they're better off waiting until adulthood like most teens of this generation - but as a general policy I've decided that's not something I'm even going to pretend to police. I really want them to feel that if they screw up, they aren't screwing up worse by coming to me.

[Tanaqui]

Rosie, take an upvote.

[gardenmom5]

My views would probably lean more toward what others would think of as "friendship".  I would have them at our home with family activities, but also public.

But then I expected even my daughters to focus on their educations when they were in high school.

[Melissa Louise]

Luckily, my daughter was able to ace her years at school, academically, AND date!

[Murphy101]

29 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

I am fascinated by the thoughts on dating on the other thread.  So, now I'm wondering.  If your teenager "dates" what does that look like?  What do they do?  What is your involvement?  What's the line between dating and friendship?

🤷‍♀️ It looks like two people (over the age of 15) say they are interested in each other and they make arrangements by themselves to get to know each other better by hanging out together more often.   Maybe they make those arrangements frequently. Or not. It may lead to much more. Or not. Maybe it’s outside the house by themselves.  Maybe it’s joining a church or work or family event.  They tell their parents they are going out with so and so.  Maybe share they know so and so from whatever.  Say they will be back no later than such and such time. They get back and maybe say the movie was good or they tried whatever place to eat or whatever. Usually doesn’t share much about the person they dated. Just a comment here or there.  We say that’s nice and glad it went well or sorry that didn’t work, goes that way some times.  Or maybe we will have helpful ideas or suggestions.  Dad usually just wants to know where they ate and what meals he can serve if they come to a join a dinner. He’s a foodie. I just make a mental note of oh so and so likes ___.  Good to know if I see something related I can set aside for a Christmas gift or make a suggestion to my kid.   Sometimes there’s a discussion about easing dates into the house. LOL. Some dates are a little spazzed at the idea of meeting a family of 8-13. So sometimes a kid will be like um mom can we double date or something first before they walk into the living room at Christmas? Sure. No problem.  Though usually there’s low pressure family things they can join to help with that. Pumpkin carving day in October or Fourth of July BBQ for example are perfect low key introduce the newbie to the family events.  Usually we all just say hi and try to feed them.  

Edited July 26, 2021 by Murphy101

[marbel]

17 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

My views would probably lean more toward what others would think of as "friendship".  I would have them at our home with family activities, but also public.

But then I expected even my daughters to focus on their educations when they were in high school.

Do you think teens can't go out sometimes and still focus on their educations? Do you think people expect more educational focus from their sons than their daughters?

Just seems like something is implied here and not sure of the point.

My daughter dated, sort of, while in high school. She met a boy at summer camp, but he lived 50 miles away and neither of them drove. So dating was the very occasional meetup in the city between them (dropped off by parents and/or train) and lots of talking on the phone.  5 years later, they have still never been out to the movies together, which I in my dotage consider a typical date. (And they are no longer teens)

My involvement consisted of occasional transportation, listening when she wanted to talk, asking minimal judicious questions of her, being nice to him when he came to the house.  

 

Edited July 26, 2021 by marbel

[regentrude]

27 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

 If your teenager "dates" what does that look like?  What do they do?  What is your involvement?  What's the line between dating and friendship?

For my teenagers, their romantic relationships evolved from friendship. They had met through common activities (sports and DE classes) and became close. Where I grew up, the concept of "dating" did not exist: you were friends, hung out, did stuff, and at some point realized that you had deeper feelings and wanted to move the relationship to a different level. 
I don't recall my kids going on designated "dates" as teens. They and their S/O were in activities together, hung out with friends or just the two of them, went out for food, hung out at our house, watched movies, joined us for meals, went to events together...  
My involvement consisted in welcoming their friends to our home and treating them warmly. Due to specific circumstances, DS' girlfriend stayed with us for several months. We traveled with DS and gf to some of DS' tournaments. 

Edited July 26, 2021 by regentrude

[regentrude]

14 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

But then I expected even my daughters to focus on their educations when they were in high school.

What does that have to do with dating? My kids were easily able to do both,

Edited July 26, 2021 by regentrude

[katilac]

 "A date? It's where two people who like each other go out and have fun." John Watson, Sherlock 

Mine were homeschooled, but I have young niblings who are 'going out' and near the age of your oldest. 

Dating, for them, does seem to be about going out and having fun. Bowling, putt-putt, skating rink, that's the common type of things for the younger set (8th, 9th, 10th grades). If there's a school dance, you go together. Juniors and seniors, one of them will often have a car or at least a friend will, and they'll do the eating out thing, and definitely some will try to hit the bars that let in 18+ for dancing but not drinking (yes, that works about as well as you would expect).  

There's certain streets/districts that have a lot of cool shops and places to eat, and all ages will do that for a date, spend a few hours meandering. 

[regentrude]

18 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

I've only ever been on two official dates in my life, lol. I don't understand dating really. 

LOL. I am glad I'm not the only one. I have never been on what people here would consider a "date".

[Murphy101]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

What does that have to do with dating? My kids were easily able to do both,

Yeah. I don’t get that either. Dh and I both were in high school and he worked pt and I worked full time and still we managed to meet someone and date. In fact, MY grades went up and his stayed great.

[katilac]

6 minutes ago, regentrude said:

 I don't recall my kids going on designated "dates" as teens. They and their S/O were in activities together, hung out with friends or just the two of them, went out for food, hung out at our house, watched movies, joined us for meals, went to events together...  
 

Going out to eat and going to events together are considered dates by most people, when done with the person you're romantically interested in. 

[Drama Llama]

. . .

Edited October 27, 2021 by Nothingtoseehere

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, katilac said:

Going out to eat and going to events together are considered dates by most people, when done with the person you're romantically interested in. 

But they also do that with friends and with groups. If you don't call it a "date" and make a big production out of the whole "asking out" thing, it's really just friends going about normal life, and sometimes they happen to be in love.

[marbel]

4 minutes ago, regentrude said:

But they also do that with friends and with groups. If you don't call it a "date" and make a big production out of the whole "asking out" thing, it's really just friends going about normal life, and sometimes they happen to be in love.

So at the point that they start doing things alone together (not with their friends), and consider themselves more than just friends, that's what most people call dating. At least in the US, I suppose. It's not necessarily a big production, I'm not even sure what is meant by that. It makes me think of Promposals. When my husband and I met (we were not teens), we met through a group of friends and did stuff with the friends. We consider our first date the first time we went off and did something by ourselves, without the rest of our friends because we were interested in being more than friends and wanted to be alone together sometimes.

Edited July 26, 2021 by marbel

[regentrude]

5 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

I am unclear what you'd consider a date then.  Aren't you married?  Did you not go places with your husband or wife before you got married?  Do you not now?

We go places and we do stuff, and we did before we married - but that's just normal life. Is rock climbing a "date"? Is rock climbing a "date" when it's me, my boyfriend, and our best guy friend? Does the same trip suddenly become a "date" when our friend cancels and it's just the two of us?

Today DH and I kayaked. I don't consider that a date. I consider this doing life together.

As I said, I clearly don't understand the concept of a "date".

Edited July 26, 2021 by regentrude

[Drama Llama]

. . .

Edited October 27, 2021 by Nothingtoseehere

[Melissa Louise]

13 minutes ago, regentrude said:

LOL. I am glad I'm not the only one. I have never been on what people here would consider a "date".

I think it is partly due to my romance allergy! 

Again, glad not to be alone 🙂

[Sneezyone]

I consider dates to be one on one outings with someone you’re romantically involved with/interested in. My kid’s gone on two ‘dates’ by my definition, although I was informed that dating is an undesirable and unwanted term by DD. Usually, my kiddo just talks to people via phone and social media and meets up in groups.

[marbel]

6 minutes ago, regentrude said:

We go places and we do stuff, and we did before we married - but that's just normal life. Is rock climbing a "date"? Is rock climbing a "date" when it's me, my boyfriend, and our best guy friend? Does the same trip suddenly become a "date" when our friend cancels and it's just the two of us?

Today DH and I kayaked. I don't consider that a date. I consider this doing life together.

As I said, I clearly don't understand the concept of a "date".

So at some point you and your husband figured out you liked each other more than you liked other people, right? And probably went out by yourselves sometimes, right? 

Now, once married, I don't really consider spouses going out and doing stuff together to be dating, despite mommy bloggers' admonitions to have "date nights." Yeah, at that point it's just normal life. 

ETA: actually my husband and I are not sure of our first date. Was it a meetup for beers to plan a group baseball game outing? Or the baseball game outing that ended up being just the two of us? Or when I took him to my favorite place out on the Cali coast (Point Lobos, sigh)?  Any of them could have been because the purpose was to spend time together away from our other friends.

Edited July 26, 2021 by marbel

[Drama Llama]

.

Edited October 27, 2021 by Nothingtoseehere

[Melissa Louise]

18 minutes ago, katilac said:

 "A date? It's where two people who like each other go out and have fun." John Watson, Sherlock 

 

 

Ah, this explains why going out with my ex was never 'a date' to me 😂

[HomeAgain]

In our house it looks "public, with the expectation of privacy". I'm fine with dates, dances, hanging out..even taking over the living room and kicking the rest of the family out.  I am not comfortable with dating in bedrooms, being out after 10pm (everything here shuts down at that point), or not knowing what an idea of the plan/location is.  Granted, I can't control a 16 or 17yo, but we just talk a lot about our values and expectations in relationships as a generality so the kids know what healthy boundaries and limits are.  It's healthy to let a third party know your plan when you're out of the house, just in case anything goes wrong. It's not wise to put yourself in a situation where there is a lack of options of what to do (or an expectation to do something).

The difference between dating and friendship is you want a closer relationship.  For oldest ds, it was even things like meeting up to volunteer somewhere together and then going off and chilling over food or a movie.  Dh and I date by doing stuff together.  We go on long bike rides, kayaking, sailing, rock climbing, escape rooms...it's anything where we are intentional in just the two of us and getting time to connect with just each other.

[Melissa Louise]

By some of these definitions I've been dating my female friends for the past 25 years...

[Scarlett]

For our family dating is a relationship of a romantic nature.  So it doesn’t need to be one on one.  
We believe dating should have a point…..If you are not in a position to be married, we believe, you should not be dating. If you aren’t capable financially, legally or otherwise of being married then we encourage friendships with both sexes, in groups, learn about yourself and other people.

Just to be clear so you know it is not the purity thing…..once you decide you want to marry, you aren’t required to marry the first person you date.  That is just weird.  But once you know this person is not marriage material for you, dating should be discontinued.  
 

[katilac]

 

38 minutes ago, regentrude said:

We go places and we do stuff, and we did before we married - but that's just normal life. Is rock climbing a "date"? Is rock climbing a "date" when it's me, my boyfriend, and our best guy friend? Does the same trip suddenly become a "date" when our friend cancels and it's just the two of us?

Today DH and I kayaked. I don't consider that a date. I consider this doing life together.

As I said, I clearly don't understand the concept of a "date".

Dating is also normal life, it's not some exotic thing. Rock climbing and kayaking can certainly be dates. Even having a friend along can be a date, that's why the expression "third wheel" exists, lol. 

You've never been on a date with someone you didn't already have an interest in, that's all. I mean, surely you and dh had a first kiss at some point And it probably was not in front of a bunch of friends? (although, fine if it was, you do you!) And lots of people have the experience of developing strong feelings for a friend, and thinking it must be romantic interest, only to have that first kiss and go, nope, got that one wrong! 

I think I would say that dating is about either exploring or developing a romantic interest. If you go kayaking with dh just because you both happen to feel like kayaking that day, and you would just as well go with someone else, it's not a date. If you go kayaking to enjoy time together and want to focus on each either, then yeah, it's a date. The stereotypical eating in a restaraunt isn't required, no matter what Buddy the Elf says. 

It's mostly about the intent, if there's romantic intent or not (not code for sex, and not meaning roses and champagne Romance). That's why you'll hear people talke about date night at home, because it's the idea of being together and building the relationship. 

50 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Ah, this explains why going out with my ex was never 'a date' to me 😂

Oh, snap, lol 

27 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

By some of these definitions I've been dating my female friends for the past 25 years...

"That’s what I was suggesting." This was Sherlock's response, apparently he agrees with you. 

[Danae]

Neither of my kids have expressed any interest in dating yet, but one of oldest’s friends “dated” a girl for awhile in 7th grade.  In their case it meant she gave him a hair scrunchie and he wore it on his wrist until they broke up.  As far as my son is aware that was it  — they never met up outside of school or did any activities together.

[hippymamato3]

39 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

By some of these definitions I've been dating my female friends for the past 25 years...

Nothing wrong with that!

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, hippymamato3 said:

Nothing wrong with that!

Not at all, maybe I should own it!

[rebcoola]

Neither of mine have dated yet but some of their friends have.  It mostly seems like exactly how they hangout with a good friend, lots of texting, but with romantic intentions.

[fraidycat]

Neither of my kids have dated, locally anyway. My DD is in a "getting to know you" online relation/friendship at the moment. 
But as for how I expect it to look if my son chooses to date - they'll hang out just like he does with his friends - watching movies, going for ice cream or meals, go to each others' houses, parties, etc. Except they might hold hands and hug or kiss once in awhile and talk on the phone into the wee hours of the night/morning.
 

FWIW, my nephew has dated his girlfriend for the past 3 years of high school. They both graduated this past June - he with an over 90%/ principal's list average and she with an award/scholarship money for the highest average (99%) in the whole graduating class of about 200 students. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

 

[Bootsie]

DH and I never went out one what I considered a "date".  We worked together and participated in a lot of similar activities.  I said I would not date someone that I worked with--we could be friends enjoying activities and spending time together or we could be in a serious relationship--we went from friendship to be engaged.  When we told people at work we were getting married there were some who were quite surprised (saying "I didn't know you were even dating")  In fact, there was another man at work with the same first name as DH--and some people got the story confused and thought it was that guy and I who were getting married.  

[Laura Corin]

One kid didn't date as a teenager - his choice.  The other went out with two or three people - sometimes in a group, sometimes as a pair.  We didn't police bedrooms once sex was legal.

ETA The teen who dated went to Oxford, so studies don't seem to have been disrupted.

Edited July 26, 2021 by Laura Corin

[Carrie12345]

In our family, it has looked different by age, by kid, by the kids they were dating, and by the circles they traveled in.

Same factors influenced things when I was a kid, too, but I had much more freedom based on location and the parenting styles of the 90s.

I also worked, volunteered, and graduated high school with multiple scholarship offers. My older dd is doing ridiculously well for her age, and next dd is on a very solid path.)

Edited July 26, 2021 by Carrie12345

[Soror]

It would be doing something with someone you are romantically interested in. That could be a single date or a group date. My daughter is much more interested in such things than ds has been. She has been to the movies and group activities (because she is only 14 we do not allow her to do as much). Ds(17 this week) went to the movies one time with a girl but that is it. He had a girlfriend for a couple of months this year and although he had a car and could go out she wasn't allowed to so they only ever talked. Locally the path the going out and being bf/gf is much slower than when I was younger. There are so many more steps and they have different names for things. 

[gardenmom5]

12 hours ago, regentrude said:

What does that have to do with dating? My kids were easily able to do both,

Some kids get WAY too distracted by a serious dating partner, and can't keep focus.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

12 hours ago, regentrude said:

What does that have to do with dating? My kids were easily able to do both,

I don’t know if gardenmom comes from a tradition similar to mine—but most of the girls I know who “dated” or who are heavily invested in teen relationships tend to marry and/or have children young and either not attend or finish college.  This was definitely the norm among both public and homeschoolers when I was in high school in the late 90s and I continue to see the trend.  But it may be unique to my rural, very blue collar geographic area.

[gardenmom5]

13 hours ago, marbel said:

Do you think teens can't go out sometimes and still focus on their educations? Do you think people expect more educational focus from their sons than their daughters?

Just seems like something is implied here and not sure of the point.

My daughter dated, sort of, while in high school. She met a boy at summer camp, but he lived 50 miles away and neither of them drove. So dating was the very occasional meetup in the city between them (dropped off by parents and/or train) and lots of talking on the phone.  5 years later, they have still never been out to the movies together, which I in my dotage consider a typical date. (And they are no longer teens)

My involvement consisted of occasional transportation, listening when she wanted to talk, asking minimal judicious questions of her, being nice to him when he came to the house.  

 

That's a key difference.  There are kids who CONSTANTLY date, an occasional date isn't the same thing.  And it certainly isn't serious dating.

And I don't think high school kids need to be seriously dating anyway.

Kids who are constantly dating, especially just one specific person, can easily end up losing focus.  As a parent, that isnt' something I would have supported. 

My adult kids are (mostly) through college.  (one is finishing a MS.)

[marbel]

54 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

Kids who are constantly dating, especially just one specific person, can easily end up losing focus.  As a parent, that isnt' something I would have supported. 

OK so that's a little different than what I was getting from the earlier post. 

59 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I don’t know if gardenmom comes from a tradition similar to mine—but most of the girls I know who “dated” or who are heavily invested in teen relationships tend to marry and/or have children young and either not attend or finish college.  This was definitely the norm among both public and homeschoolers when I was in high school in the late 90s and I continue to see the trend.  But it may be unique to my rural, very blue collar geographic area.

That is interesting to me. I don't currently know any teens well, but when my kids were teens they had friends who dated in high school, and friends who did not. The ones who were motivated to do well in school, go to college, etc., did it, dating relationships or not.  The ones who weren't motivated, didn't, dating or not. Statistics on teen dating related to higher education would be interesting (note I am not asking anyone to google this for me; I will do it if I have time and my interest continues 🙂). 

My own kids dated throughout college (well, each had one bf/gf during that time) and did great, graduated with high GPAs, had appropriate involvement in ECs, etc. Yeah I know that's a small set, but they and their friends are what I am basing on comments on.  I can't imagine they and their friends are super exceptional. 

[BlsdMama]

Our oldest didn’t date until college. Our second (son) had dates for occasions but otherwise didn’t date until college. His closest friend was a girl and I think he crushed hard but it wasn’t compatible as she wanted someone longer who would convert to her religion. He has dated a bit in college, even brought one home (we knew her before they were romantic) but no long term compatibility yet. 
Third went out in boy/girl groups all the time. She dated a young man a couple times (he was two hours away at college and she was a senior.) She fell for a guy she had mock trial with and was a close friend’s brother. They dated in high school and out (a year each for a total of two) before they married. Dates were in groups or alone, at families’ homes, etc. They weren’t supervised - both were adults and individually and personally committed to abstinence. It wasn’t ours to manage IMO? But they were 18/19 and, frankly, adults before this - both were pretty mature. The majority of their dates were hiking trails - it’s who they are as a couple. 
 

Fourth hasn’t dated. She’s headed to college shortly. We’ll see. 

[Dmmetler]

Mostly the same sort of stuff you do with groups of friends, only more 1-1 and with more focus on getting to know and spending time with that one person, and that, once the relationship has been around awhile, gradually has a romantic element. My teen has had a pretty active group of friends, until COVID shut that down, and a couple of best friends who have that sort of close relationship, and has said that there is no way any of those relationships could ever become romantic. They're TOO close friendship-wise, and it would feel downright incestuous. 

 

I feel that once a relationship has become romantic, even if you're only seeing each other occasionally, and it's not physical at all, there will be some emotional pain involved. When you're 16, every love feels like true love and that it will last forever, but few high school relationships last too long into college (and I would absolutely advise AGAINST choosing an undergrad school due to your SO being there). And that's the part that I rather regret has not happened for my teen, because I kind of feel like my job as a mom is to be there with hugs, cookies, and advice, and that becomes a lot harder when your teen is living 6 hours away by car. 

 

 

[MooCow]

So far the only child to "date" was oldest. Had a girlfriend in highschool.

It was mainly group dates. She would come ever and hang out, go swimming. 🙏

Edited July 27, 2021 by MooCow
Tmi

[SKL]

Good question.  I'm about 35 years behind the times and probably need to catch up.  😛

I will say that I have no problem bringing my kids' friends along to dinners, movies, etc.  Boys, girls, or mixed, it doesn't matter.  But they are not pairing off "alone together."  (Not sure when that will start, but hopefully not until they are at least 16?)

[Melissa Louise]

What are group dates? 

Pairs of kids going on a date-in-common? Or a pair being 'chaperoned' by friends? 

[GracieJane]

I think this thread would provide much different answers if the WTM boards were populated by 15 year olds. Teen dating is not as horrific as the media would like you to believe, but it’s also not as chaste as parents would like to imagine.

[Amy Gen]

My almost 15 year old likes a boy who likes her back. This means that they play games online, go to the amusement park with groups of friends and sit next to each other in the car. I think he is coming over next week to bake a cake with her, and I think his mom has something planned at their house for them to do the following week. 
 

Her best friend likes a boy who likes her back, but they aren’t allowed to tell anyone because their parents are more strict. He borrowed my Amazon Prime to buy her a birthday hoodie because his parents wouldn’t approve of his buying a gift for a girl. I overheard her dad telling another parent that the girls and boys don’t interact very much. I told him that things are changing and it is age appropriate for them to start pairing up a little. He said, “Shut up ma’am. No one is talking to you.” Of course, he is teasing, but the next day when we were talking about the boys, he told his daughter, “Don’t make Daddy go to jail. I love my freedom!” I told him not to put her in a position where she feels like she has to lie or sneak. 
 

On the way home, I told my Dd that I was going to keep advocating for her friend to have a right to just openly like a boy. And the boy she likes is so smart and sensitive and funny and humble and secure and considerate and from a great family, so that isn’t the issue at all. I really don’t think they should be made to feel like they are doing something wrong. We will see how things change next summer when they all start driving and working. Until then, I’ll keep having get together at my house where the kids can hang out and be together without going on actual one on one dates  

 

[Tanaqui]

What a toxic attitude, "Don't make Daddy go to jail". Your child is not responsible for your poor decision making, sir.