s/o: premarital sex

[Tanaqui]

The average person in the US does not have anything like 31 sexual partners over the course of their lifetime, no more than I, to extend my earlier analogy, have hired 31 different plumbers. It's sex, not Baskin-Robbins. The average is closer to 7 or 8 partners. Now, admittedly those of you who are "one and done" are really dragging the numbers down here, and we have to take these numbers with a grain of salt anyway because people lie in BOTH directions - but 31 is a *lot*.

And even if somebody did have sex with 31 different people, that's not "disgusting" so long as everything is consensual. In my home, we have a rule about food, we don't "yuck" somebody else's "yum". Well, I also apply that to sex. If somebody else is happy with having had a lot of diverse experience, good for them! And if you'd rather not, good for you! This world is big enough that we don't need to shame other people for this.

[mommyoffive]

58 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I had a good bit of premarital sex with partners of different genders and most of it was great and I'm totally glad I did. Obviously everyone should make their own call about this, but I do think before you commit to someone for life - if you're going to do that - is really a good idea in the vast majority of cases. 

I feel like I never know what direction a tea conversation on this board is going to take. There was a thread once that I will never forget where the overall gist of the majority opinion said you should never talk about sex with anyone, not even your sexual partner and what was the point of ever discussing anything to do with it. But then, of course, there are other times that people clearly want to talk about and do it.

Whoa what?  I missed that.  I don't even understand that at all.  Why would you not talk to your partner about it? 

[mommyoffive]

3 hours ago, Soror said:

Amazed at how much you guys know about your friend's sex lives (before and after marriage). I'm not certain anyone I know was a virgin before marriage. I would guess 1 couple was but couldn't say for sure. I'd guess most weren't. I think there are many more reasons a couple is likely to succeed or fail than whether or not they have sex before marriage.

Yes for sure.  Like if he can put his laundry in the hamper or not!  🙂    I kid.  But, having sex before is almost of no importance to our life now.

Edited July 25, 2021 by mommyoffive

[mommyoffive]

5 hours ago, marbel said:

<shrug> That doesn't always show up right away. I didn't realize my first husband and I were seriously mismatched in that way till we had been married for about a year, despite intimacy beforehand.  Also people change over time, so someone who was an eager partner may become less so over time or vice versa. 

Just my own observation, but the most happily married couples I know are those who saved intimacy for marriage.  They knew they loved each other and were attracted to each other before marriage. They learned together, just as they learned to be a couple in other ways, such as learning to be parents, learning how to be partners living together/maintaining a home, etc. 

I don't love the notion of young people getting married before they are ready just so they can have sex; I think that is also a problem. Perhaps that is where purity culture comes into the discussion.

I agree.  I mean dh and I have been together since we were 18.  We are now in our  40s.  Our sex life has changed over time.  And I expect it to going forward too.  

My friends now I don't know anything about their sex lives.  But we are more of shallow level parents that you know because your kids are in activities.   But other friends in my life we have talked about things. 

[Scarlett]

I don’t talk  about my sex life.  Not even to my best friend.  And we are very very close.  She recently revealed something to me and prefaced it with this is tmi….and it was…but it was relevant to some issues they were having and she was confiding in me about their marital problems, most of it unrelated to sex, but as you know sometimes it all ties it.  
 

I mean we share vague stories….like the times our kids walk in on us, or maybe the frequency of which one of us or our husbands want tEa. But we just don’t discuss specifics.  

[Soror]

49 minutes ago, Katy said:

I think it’s odd that there’s anyone who doesn’t know anything about their close friends sex lives.  IME the higher the purity culture the more people talk about it, at least before having kids.  It’s obviously more difficult to discuss after kids.

I just can rarely think of a time s*x in general has even come up in conversations with friends. Not to mention the fact that I've rarely been with friends without kids somewhere around. There is some purity culture here but mostly garden variety conservatism (none of my friends do any purity balls as far as I know). Maybe in some conservative circles there is more talk about sex but certainly not here. People don't bring it up and I have no need or desire to talk about such things with friends. As to discussing relationships before marriage that is not something that even passes through my mind, I would guess others are the same. IDK. At 22 yrs married that is very long time ago, old news. I could see the desire to talk about s*x and intimacy when going through certain situations- like challenges of intimacy with pregnancy and breastfeeding or menopause but otherwise not so much. I can understand others have these conversations, obviously as evidenced by comments here. I've just not experienced it.

[TexasProud]

2 hours ago, Katy said:

I think it’s odd that there’s anyone who doesn’t know anything about their close friends sex lives.  IME the higher the purity culture the more people talk about it, at least before having kids.  It’s obviously more difficult to discuss after kids.

Well I wasn’t part of the purity culture. Wasnt a thing when I grew up in the 60’s and 70’s, but also somerhing you did not discuss in public. Never came up nor would it with any of my friends.

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, Katy said:

I think it’s odd that there’s anyone who doesn’t know anything about their close friends sex lives.  IME the higher the purity culture the more people talk about it, at least before having kids.  It’s obviously more difficult to discuss after kids.

I guess that makes us even, because I think it’s odd that people DO know about their close friends’ sex lives.

My intimate relationship with my dh is between him and me, and is no one else’s business, and my friends feel the same way about their relationships with their dhs.
 

There is no purity culture here whatsoever, and we are a very liberal bunch, but the details of our marital relations are private. Honestly, it seems pretty tacky to share that kind of information with friends. I have known a few people who did that, and it seemed like such a betrayal of their dh’s trust to talk about intimate details — and I always felt like it was way TMI. 
 

For those who think it’s fine to talk to your friends about your sex life with your husbands — how would you feel if he was doing the same thing, and telling his buddies about his sex life with you? 
 

 

Edited July 25, 2021 by Catwoman
Typo

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, mommyoffive said:

Whoa what?  I missed that.  I don't even understand that at all.  Why would you not talk to your partner about it? 

I remember that thread a little differently. I recall that the majority opinion was that you shouldn’t discuss your sex life with anyone other than your partner. I seem to remember that a few people said that they talked about the intimate details of their sex lives with their friends, and other people thought that was a bad idea, and that it was a betrayal of marital trust to do so. 

[Lady Florida.]

I don't know that it's essential to have premarital sex but I think it's not a bad idea. Yes, that's only one aspect of the relationship but you don't go into the marriage never having discussed your likes and dislikes, children and child rearing, and all of the other things a couple should know about each other before making a commitment so why go into it knowing nothing about sexual compatibility.

As for me, I married at the age of 38 so of course I had partners before dh. I can't imagine having reached that age and never having sex, though I suppose there are people who do wait regardless of age. Also, dh and I lived together before we married. 

[Sneezyone]

39 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I guess that makes us even, because I think it’s odd that people DO know about their close friends’ sex lives.

My intimate relationship with my dh is between him and me, and is no one else’s business, and my friends feel the same way about their relationships with their dhs.
 

There is no purity culture here whatsoever, and we are a very liberal bunch, but the details of our marital relations are private. Honestly, it seems pretty tacky to share that kind of information with friends. I have known a few people who did that, and it seemed like such a betrayal of their dh’s trust to talk about intimate details — and I always felt like it was way TMI. 
 

For those who think it’s fine to talk to your friends about your sex life with your husbands — how would you feel if he was doing the same thing, and telling his buddies about his sex life with you? 

Honestly, it wouldn't bother or surprise me much. I'm sure they're not going into specifics but it's the rare ship where people aren't talking about how happy they are to be heading home so they can enjoy relations again. The last girls trip I took, there was mild talk amongst my friends too. We've swapped lingerie source recommendations, etc. One or two had already met/were dating their future spouses and my DH and I had been married for several years already. Sometimes, nothing even needs to be said. We've known each other for over 25 years. We have shared values and priorities. *shrug* 

Edited July 25, 2021 by Sneezyone

[TexasProud]

4 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

Honestly, it wouldn't bother or surprise me much. I'm sure they're not going into specifics but it's the rare ship where people aren't talking about how happy they are to be heading home so they can enjoy relations again. The last girls trip I took, there was mild talk amongst my friends too. We've swapped lingerie source recommendations, etc. One or two had already met/were dating their future spouses and my DH and I had been married for several years already. Sometimes, nothing even needs to be said. We've known each other for over 25 years. We have shared values and priorities. *shrug* 

 I have never taken a girls trip. Hubby has not taken a guy trip. Not close enough to anyone to travel with them. That would feel weird. 

[Sneezyone]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 I have never taken a girls trip. Hubby has not taken a guy trip. Not close enough to anyone to travel with them. That would feel weird. 

Huh. Over the years, various parts of my crew have gone to Puerto Rico, Vienna, London, Las Vegas and Los Angeles. We met in college and have stayed in touch ever since.

Edited July 25, 2021 by Sneezyone

[TexasProud]

3 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

Huh. Over the years, various parts of my crew have gone to Puerto Rico, Vienna, London, Las Vegas and Los Angeles. We met in college and have stayed in touch ever since.

Sounds fun. I haven’t kept in touch. Most of my friendships are activity related and when the activity ends, I don’t see them again.

[Sneezyone]

6 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Sounds fun. I haven’t kept in touch. Most of my friendships are activity related and when the activity ends, I don’t see them again.

Understand. Our lifestyle hasn't given me many opportunities to really connect with people in the years since college so I make a point to see these folks whenever I can. 

[marbel]

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

I guess that makes us even, because I think it’s odd that people DO know about their close friends’ sex lives.

My intimate relationship with my dh is between him and me, and is no one else’s business, and my friends feel the same way about their relationships with their dhs.
 

There is no purity culture here whatsoever, and we are a very liberal bunch, but the details of our marital relations are private. Honestly, it seems pretty tacky to share that kind of information with friends. I have known a few people who did that, and it seemed like such a betrayal of their dh’s trust to talk about intimate details — and I always felt like it was way TMI. 
 

For those who think it’s fine to talk to your friends about your sex life with your husbands — how would you feel if he was doing the same thing, and telling his buddies about his sex life with you? 
 

 

What I was saying was... I know of people who have revealed to me that they did not have sex before getting married, in the context of general discussions about marriage. That is not quit the same as talking about their sex life with their husband.  I'm not talking about discussing anything in details, just the plain fact that they were both virgins when they married.  No one is talking about sharing intimate details. 

Edited July 25, 2021 by marbel

[lmrich]

6 hours ago, Sneezyone said:

We used to sit around talking about it in college, suite mates. I don’t think that’s unusual.

My college roommates and I still get together and talk about it. We are all happily married for 25 plus years. All of us had done it before marriage. 1/2 of us married the guy we first were with. 

Even new girlfriends and I talk about it. 

However, my sister and I have NEVER talked about it. 

But here is the thing.... It changes over time. So try the merchandise before you buy it, argument does not really make sense. I agree that it is about communication and deeper love and connection. (and just got back from vacation and the best part was in the hotel - way better than the honeymoon~)

[KidsHappen]

I am pretty open to talking about sex in general here on this board and of course I talk with my hubby about it in more detail but the real surprise has been how much I talk to my dds about it. It turns out that if you communicate with your children that that they can truly talk to you about anything, they will. I know way more about my some of my children's sex lives that I ever really would have cared to but I tough it out because sometimes they need someone to talk to and they don't have other people they can ask intimate questions of. Sometimes conversations are lighthearted and funny, other times they are more serious. The girls are also comfortable talking to each other about these things as well.

One experience that was a little uncomfortable was when I took one of them to get BC and since it was her first pap, I went in the room with her. The doctor asked some really intimate questions that I would not have expected or have even thought to ask.

As far as when and with who, I am of the try before you buy persuasion. In my life I don't think it would have made any differences in my marriages but there was at least one guy that was eliminated from further consideration due to a mismatch that would have affected my health for the duration of our relationship. I do feel that a longer courtship in which we were already intimate may have been beneficial for my marriages.

As far as my dds are concerned, I feel like I have raised them to the best of my ability, their father and I have modeled a good relationship and I trust their decision making processes so I am comfortable with them making their own decisions. Of course I am also available to the should they have questions or ask for advice.

Edited July 25, 2021 by KidsHappen

[BlsdMama]

19 hours ago, bibiche said:

You know we needed one. 🤪

We probably need a poll too, but I’m too lazy to make one.

Personally, I think premarital sex is kind of essential. I mean, what happens if you wait until the wedding night only to discover your mate and you are not well suited? I’m sorry, but compatibility is a pretty big deal. I will strongly encourage my children to try it before they buy it. Thoughts?

Essential? No. Sex can be learned. You fall in love with a man, find him worthy of marrying, but not great there and bail? Nope. 
 

Just to stir the pot, I’m not a fan of birth control and sex without marriage is riskier. I’m a big fan of abstinence until marriage. Obviously not something I practiced, oldest DD was two months old when we got married. After becoming a believer, it’s no longer about what *I* believe. It’s about confirming my beliefs to what God meant for people, thus  my beliefs needed to conform. 

Edited July 25, 2021 by BlsdMama

[Sneezyone]

19 minutes ago, lmrich said:

My college roommates and I still get together and talk about it. We are all happily married for 25 plus years. All of us had done it before marriage. 1/2 of us married the guy we first were with. 

Even new girlfriends and I talk about it. 

However, my sister and I have NEVER talked about it. 

But here is the thing.... It changes over time. So try the merchandise before you buy it, argument does not really make sense. I agree that it is about communication and deeper love and connection. (and just got back from vacation and the best part was in the hotel - way better than the honeymoon~)

Sure, things change. I don't have any bias toward/against premarital sex b/c I haven't noticed that its made any difference in the quality or longevity of relationships. I was just observing that discussing sex isn't strange. I mean, c'mon, when you're present for 'pre-game' discussions, folks coming out, etc., clamming up is totally inauthentic. I did have one, singular experience with an individual so incompatible that we parted ways and never spoke of it ever again. No amount of love or compassion was gonna fix the problem. Just...no. That is my one regret.

Edited July 25, 2021 by Sneezyone

[Melissa Louise]

1 hour ago, Lady Florida. said:

I don't know that it's essential to have premarital sex but I think it's not a bad idea. Yes, that's only one aspect of the relationship but you don't go into the marriage never having discussed your likes and dislikes, children and child rearing, and all of the other things a couple should know about each other before making a commitment so why go into it knowing nothing about sexual compatibility.

As for me, I married at the age of 38 so of course I had partners before dh. I can't imagine having reached that age and never having sex, though I suppose there are people who do wait regardless of age. Also, dh and I lived together before we married. 

Well, there's this too.

And if you are not interested in marriage at all, pretty clearly, all your sex will be non-related to pre/post/during marriage. 

I know I've read stories of women who've waited for a marriage partner, reached middle age without finding one, and felt that they have wasted a lot of their lives on a permanent chastity that was only ever intended to be temporary. 

So from that perspective, I think the expectation of no sex b4 marriage ought to come with an understanding of a potential outcome - that of no sex ever. 

[ktgrok]

If your personalities mesh, and you love each other, I can't see sex being a deal breaker. I mean, if I'm dating a guy who I love and trust and have respect for, am I going to break up with him because he's not terrific at oral? No, I'm going to explain what I want - it's a skill that can be learned, lol. 

Sexual compatibility can change, as well. You might be totally compatible in your 20s and then hormones change, or illness or injuries happen, or depression, or whatever and you no longer are. Are you going to freaking divorce an amazing spouse because of that? No, you work through it. 

But seriously, most of it is skill that can be taught/learned.

[Ottakee]

This Book...The Great S+x Rescue looks to be very good and helpful for those struggling.

[goldenecho]

I did not have sex with my husband before marriage and I have no regrets about that.    I think actually not having that on the table as something to be concerned about before marriage helped us get to know each other better before we got married.   And we did make out a lot, so it wasn't like it was going from no physical contact to sex.   There's a lot on the way to sex and I am glad we explored that first.

[hippymamato3]

31 minutes ago, goldenecho said:

I did not have sex with my husband before marriage and I have no regrets about that.    I think actually not having that on the table as something to be concerned about before marriage helped us get to know each other better before we got married.   And we did make out a lot, so it wasn't like it was going from no physical contact to sex.   There's a lot on the way to sex and I am glad we explored that first.

I was going to say that I assume most couple do that, but then realized that maybe they don't!

[Not_a_Number]

Honestly, I think if you're dating a secular man and they want to wait until marriage, I'd assume something weird is going on. I understand that's not the case if there's a strong religious incentive, but that'd be my concern with my own kids. 

As for whether it's important to figure out whether you have chemistry... hmmm, I'd say probably yes, although I don't think one needs a LOT of experience or anything. 

Also, like @Tanaqui says, even most people who have premarital sex have some relatively small number of partners... so thinking about outliers isn't helpful, anyway. 

[KSera]

43 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I think if you're dating a secular man and they want to wait until marriage, I'd assume something weird is going on. I understand that's not the case if there's a strong religious incentive, but that'd be my concern with my own kids. 

That’s too bad you’d think that. For some people, waiting for marriage makes it all the more special. That doesn’t mean something weird is going on. Hopefully you wouldn’t actually pass that thought along to your kids in that situation. It’s clearly different than what you would choose, but that doesn’t make it weird or wrong. 

[Not_a_Number]

9 minutes ago, KSera said:

That’s too bad you’d think that. For some people, waiting for marriage makes it all the more special. That doesn’t mean something weird is going on. Hopefully you wouldn’t actually pass that thought along to your kids in that situation. It’s clearly different than what you would choose, but that doesn’t make it weird or wrong. 

My experience with secular men is that this is not at all standard. Most people I know get married in their 30s (I didn't, in fact), and they certainly do not wait until then to start sexual activity. 

Again, if there's a religious component, I would feel very different. I mean, I have close relatives who are Orthodox Jews, lol, and I would never say it was weird that they were waiting until marriage -- that's a different situation. But secular guys waiting until their 30s or late 20s to have sex? I would feel deeply concerned that they were hiding something. 

[Melissa Louise]

Waiting till marriage isn't really a secular concept.

I've only ever heard of it in relation to religion or 1950:s style sexual conservatism. 

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Melissa Louise said:

Waiting till marriage isn't really a secular concept.

I've only ever heard of it in relation to religion or 1950:s style sexual conservatism. 

Yep. Exactly. 

[kiwik]

16 hours ago, marbel said:

<shrug> That doesn't always show up right away. I didn't realize my first husband and I were seriously mismatched in that way till we had been married for about a year, despite intimacy beforehand.  Also people change over time, so someone who was an eager partner may become less so over time or vice versa. 

Just my own observation, but the most happily married couples I know are those who saved intimacy for marriage.  They knew they loved each other and were attracted to each other before marriage. They learned together, just as they learned to be a couple in other ways, such as learning to be parents, learning how to be partners living together/maintaining a home, etc. 

I don't love the notion of young people getting married before they are ready just so they can have sex; I think that is also a problem. Perhaps that is where purity culture comes into the discussion.

If you had lived together for a few years you would have.  Yes sex drive changes but hoping you will eventually both change to suit each other seems a bit risky.

[kiwik]

14 hours ago, DawnM said:

We waited until marriage.   Never once did I think, "Oh, his p*nis may be too small, I don't think I can live with that."   

S*x is one small part of a relationship.   The overall relationship is so much more.   so much.

The person should be someone you would stay with even if that person could no longer even have s*x.   

How many p*nises do you need to "try before you buy" before you say, "yuck, yours has been in 30 v*g*n*s and I don't want to be 31 just to see if it fits right?"

Sorry to be so crass, but this conversation is IMO, ridiculous.

The size is irrelevant.  It is attitude and needs that make a difference.  I don't really care whether people have premarital sex (or pre engagement) or live together.  I think it is a bad idea to have a lot of casual sexual partners but I am more concerned about consent and sexual health.

[kiwik]

1 hour ago, Not_a_Number said:

My experience with secular men is that this is not at all standard. Most people I know get married in their 30s (I didn't, in fact), and they certainly do not wait until then to start sexual activity. 

Again, if there's a religious component, I would feel very different. I mean, I have close relatives who are Orthodox Jews, lol, and I would never say it was weird that they were waiting until marriage -- that's a different situation. But secular guys waiting until their 30s or late 20s to have sex? I would feel deeply concerned that they were hiding something. 

I think men used to use prostitutes until they could afford to marry.  So it was experienced diseased man with frightened young woman.  

[Roadrunner]

4 minutes ago, kiwik said:

I think men used to use prostitutes until they could afford to marry.  So it was experienced diseased man with frightened young woman.  

I won’t name cultures, but still mostly the same where I come from. 

[kiwik]

6 hours ago, Sneezyone said:

Sure, things change. I don't have any bias toward/against premarital sex b/c I haven't noticed that its made any difference in the quality or longevity of relationships. I was just observing that discussing sex isn't strange. I mean, c'mon, when you're present for 'pre-game' discussions, folks coming out, etc., clamming up is totally inauthentic. I did have one, singular experience with an individual so incompatible that we parted ways and never spoke of it ever again. No amount of love or compassion was gonna fix the problem. Just...no. That is my one regret.

But everything changes with time.  When purchase something you assess whether it will meet your needs now.  If you are buying a dress you try it on to see if it fits now.  You don't not bother to try it on because your size might change later.  If you are compatible at the beginning then you can alter things later.

[kiwik]

1 minute ago, Roadrunner said:

I won’t name cultures, but still mostly the same where I come from. 

I have a number of woman from a certain country who have had arranged marriages in their late 20's.  I would be surprised if their husband's had been chaste until marraige.  It is reasonably likely the woman hasn't either since most of them left their home country for tertiary education about 10 years before marraige.

[Roadrunner]

9 minutes ago, kiwik said:

I have a number of woman from a certain country who have had arranged marriages in their late 20's.  I would be surprised if their husband's had been chaste until marraige.  It is reasonably likely the woman hasn't either since most of them left their home country for tertiary education about 10 years before marraige.

No arranged marriages in my culture, but men are somewhat encouraged to run around with prostitutes so they can “get it out of the system” before settling down with their pure wives. 🤮🤮🤮

It’s a deeply Christian country.   

[Rosie_0801]

3 hours ago, hippymamato3 said:

I was going to say that I assume most couple do that, but then realized that maybe they don't!

In one subculture around here, sex may well come before exchanging phone numbers. If you don't sleep with him on the first date, he'll assume you're not interested in him.

[marbel]

7 hours ago, kiwik said:

If you had lived together for a few years you would have.  Yes sex drive changes but hoping you will eventually both change to suit each other seems a bit risky.

Yeah, maybe so. We were intimate before marriage but there wasn't the day-to-day closeness that may have made things more apparent.  But then I have to ask, what is the right amount of time? Two years, 5, 10...?  That wasn't the only thing that drove us apart though. Perhaps if other things had been right, we could have worked around that. 

What I can see in retrospect is that we should have talked more about what marriage looked like to us. Not in the way of "how often are you going to want sex," but in the way of priorities and expectations. I should have spent more time thinking of how I wanted my life to look, with or without a husband/partner.

Marriage is by definition risky. I have known people who've undergone dramatic changes years in, such as people who suddenly have a religious conversion one way or another, leaving the spouse behind.  Living together before getting married just isn't going to solve all the potential incompatibility problems. 

Edited July 26, 2021 by marbel

[Sneezyone]

7 hours ago, kiwik said:

But everything changes with time.  When purchase something you assess whether it will meet your needs now.  If you are buying a dress you try it on to see if it fits now.  You don't not bother to try it on because your size might change later.  If you are compatible at the beginning then you can alter things later.

Umm, no. There are, quite frankly, some anatomical realities that do not change over time. It behooved me to discover that sooner rather than later.

[DawnM]

7 hours ago, kiwik said:

The size is irrelevant.  It is attitude and needs that make a difference.  I don't really care whether people have premarital sex (or pre engagement) or live together.  I think it is a bad idea to have a lot of casual sexual partners but I am more concerned about consent and sexual health.

If you like their attitude and they pay attention to your needs during non-sexual interactions, that should be a good indicator......😉

[Not_a_Number]

My parents, by the way, were each other's firsts (they didn't wait for marriage, but they were engaged when they started -- they got married on the USSR schedule, at 20), and they did NOT "figure it out eventually." They weren't compatible. 

They got divorced when I was 5-ish, and my mom tells me way too many things I shouldn't know, which is why I can tell you 😉 . 

[ktgrok]

9 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

Honestly, I think if you're dating a secular man and they want to wait until marriage, I'd assume something weird is going on.

My now husband didn't want to wait until marriage, but he insisted we wait until he knew he was going to marry me - hat he planned to propose. He'd been in a previous relationship involving lying about a pregnancy, I'd been pregnant out of marriage before, and he was NOT willing to risk that unless he knew it was going to last. 

Now, that doesn't mean we didn't touch....lol. 

7 hours ago, kiwik said:

But everything changes with time.  When purchase something you assess whether it will meet your needs now.  If you are buying a dress you try it on to see if it fits now.  You don't not bother to try it on because your size might change later.  If you are compatible at the beginning then you can alter things later.

Or, if you fall in love with a dress that doesn't quite fit, you can have it altered when you purchase it. 

20 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

Umm, no. There are, quite frankly, some anatomical realities that do not change over time. It behooved me to discover that sooner rather than later.

You would leave a relationship that was otherwise great, someone you loved, because of anatomical size issues? 

[ktgrok]

Just now, Not_a_Number said:

My parents, by the way, were each other's firsts (they didn't wait for marriage, but they were engaged when they started -- they got married on the USSR schedule, at 20), and they did NOT "figure it out eventually." They weren't compatible. 

They got divorced when I was 5-ish, and my mom tells me way too many things I shouldn't know, which is why I can tell you 😉 . 

I would guess that was not the only issue, though. I mean, if there are issues in that area a kind, loving, respectful, considerate partner will work with you to figure something out. 

If they are not able and willing to do that....then they are not being respectful and kind and loving and there are other issues, you know?

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, ktgrok said:

My now husband didn't want to wait until marriage, but he insisted we wait until he knew he was going to marry me - hat he planned to propose. He'd been in a previous relationship involving lying about a pregnancy, I'd been pregnant out of marriage before, and he was NOT willing to risk that unless he knew it was going to last. 

Now, that doesn't mean we didn't touch....lol. 

Yeah, that story makes sense to me! That wouldn't feel like a red flag at all. 

On the other hand, a man in his 20s who's never had sex and says he's saving himself for marriage without a religious motivation... yeah, I'd be worried, lol. 

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, ktgrok said:

I would guess that was not the only issue, though. I mean, if there are issues in that area a kind, loving, respectful, considerate partner will work with you to figure something out. 

If they are not able and willing to do that....then they are not being respectful and kind and loving and there are other issues, you know?

Oh, definitely. There were other issues 😛. My parents aren't easy people, either of them.  

[Sneezyone]

16 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

My now husband didn't want to wait until marriage, but he insisted we wait until he knew he was going to marry me - hat he planned to propose. He'd been in a previous relationship involving lying about a pregnancy, I'd been pregnant out of marriage before, and he was NOT willing to risk that unless he knew it was going to last. 

Now, that doesn't mean we didn't touch....lol. 

Or, if you fall in love with a dress that doesn't quite fit, you can have it altered when you purchase it. 

You would leave a relationship that was otherwise great, someone you loved, because of anatomical size issues? 

I would be UNHAPPY in a relationship where my sexual needs were not met. Leave, meh, it would depend on other factors. I’m not interested in compromising on such a significant part of my relationship tho, especially not in the beginning. I find that great sex brings us together even when everything else is off the rails.

Edited July 26, 2021 by Sneezyone

[ktgrok]

1 minute ago, Not_a_Number said:

Yeah, that story makes sense to me! That wouldn't feel like a red flag at all. 

On the other hand, a man in his 20s who's never had sex and says he's saving himself for marriage without a religious motivation... yeah, I'd be worried, lol. 

Well, what if that man in his 20s had the same reasons as my husband - knew people who had say, gotten pregnant out of wedlock, and didn't want to deal with that? I mean, i think it depends how it is presented, you know?

A coworker, when I confided that I wasn't have sex with my then boyfriend, did suggest that he was a gay pornstar (he lived a few hours away, we met online) and living a double life...but she was an odd duck, lol. And I can assure all that he is neither, lol. 

Just now, Not_a_Number said:

Oh, definitely. There were other issues 😛. My parents aren't easy people, either of them.  

And I think that is the key....bedroom issues are only one thing that couples deal with and how they handle them is indicative of how they handle other areas of relationship. 

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, ktgrok said:

Well, what if that man in his 20s had the same reasons as my husband - knew people who had say, gotten pregnant out of wedlock, and didn't want to deal with that? I mean, i think it depends how it is presented, you know?

A coworker, when I confided that I wasn't have sex with my then boyfriend, did suggest that he was a gay pornstar (he lived a few hours away, we met online) and living a double life...but she was an odd duck, lol. And I can assure all that he is neither, lol. 

And I think that is the key....bedroom issues are only one thing that couples deal with and how they handle them is indicative of how they handle other areas of relationship. 

I think if there was other "stuff" going on, and there was a good reason, I would feel less sketched out. Having no sexual activity at all would be much worse. 

[ktgrok]

9 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I think if there was other "stuff" going on, and there was a good reason, I would feel less sketched out. Having no sexual activity at all would be much worse. 

Yeah, if i seemed a guy had no interest or um...drive...I'd be concerned. Versus a guy who is very interested but has concerns over the practical consequences in a relationship that isn't permanent.