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Does anyone send their kid to a school where most people are far wealthier?


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2 minutes ago, East Coast Sue said:

Yes, it’s been a good experience overall but at times it’s been tough navigating the socioeconomic differences. The school was a very good fit academically and that made all the difference. 

Can you give examples of things you had to navigate?  

I worry about my kids being made to feel like his family is less than, or that success is tied up with money? 

Edited by BaseballandHockey
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My kid found her groove as a quirky person, hangs out with the others who don't quite fit for whatever reason and finds snobbery too boring to deal with, so doesn't. Her heart does not live where the school is, she sees it as very much a temporary location, which I'm sure helps. Also, there isn't any interaction outside of school unless she also knows them through scouts. Most kids are second or third generation immigrants, which probably makes a difference to culture than if it was an old money, Anglo school.

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I went to one.  My siblings and I were often the teachers' scapegoats, and I remember being ridiculed and feeling "less than" because of material differences.  That said, the quality of education was probably worth it.  Our local public schools were notoriously awful.

If you are sending your kids into such a situation, I suggest you set aside some money for frivolous expenditures, such as popular clothing, shoe brands, and maybe even haircuts.  It doesn't have to be a lot - just one nice pair of shoes and 2 or 3 branded sweatshirts or whatever.  Be strategic about it.  Right or wrong, these things can make a difference in how your kids are accepted, and in turn, how they feel about themselves.

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13 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

My kid found her groove as a quirky person, hangs out with the others who don't quite fit for whatever reason and finds snobbery too boring to deal with, so doesn't. Her heart does not live where the school is, she sees it as very much a temporary location, which I'm sure helps. Also, there isn't any interaction outside of school unless she also knows them through scouts. Most kids are second or third generation immigrants, which probably makes a difference to culture than if it was an old money, Anglo school.

I hate that I can't "thanks" your post.

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I attended a high school like that. Or, to be more clear, I attended a selective admission NYC high school where the *white* students were generally much wealthier than I was, but the Asian students ran the gamut. The white students were often totally blind to how wealthy their families actually were, and I sometimes look back and wonder if they gained any perspective as they got older.

That school was an overall toxic place, and vastly overrated, but not because of the income issues. Still, I'd be very careful about sending my kid to a place where they're the clear outlier. Even in the best situation where all the kids are "good eggs" and the teachers have no outward bigotry, there's a risk of becoming everybody's general object lesson. And who needs that?

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My  kids have attended schools where some of the kids were from extremely wealthy families; we found some of the families who were not in the "rich" group to be the most difficult to deal with in that they wanted to impress the wealthy families.  It was some of the children from more modest means (and often the family living way beyond its means) that tended to tease other children over the brand of clothing they wore.  It was the children from these families that would have elaborate, flashy birthday parties.  There were even parents of elementary school-aged girls who were inviting boys from particular families to events/partieis stating that they were setting their daughters up to be popular with the sons from certain families.  

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I attended a school like that, and my dd briefly did also. Our experiences were utterly different. The key points were the size and quality of the school, and the attitude towards all the "extras."

Mine was fantastic. It was a warm, nurturing place with great teachers, challenging classes, and extracurricular activities that went far beyond standard offerings. I never felt out of place; though it was an old-money sort of environment, there were also people there on scholarships, and also other people whose parents had put them there as a refuge from the city's public schools, which were pretty bad at the time. The teachers and administration made it clear that I belonged there from the first moment I walked in.

Expensive optional extras were not pushed, so while I would have loved to go on one of the overseas trips, no one made me feel bad because I couldn't. Most students didn't do those things. That was important.

I hoped dd would have the same experience at her school, but no such luck. Academically, it was mediocre, while also constantly patting itself on the back and denigrating the local public schools.

It was too small to offer the variety of classes and extracurricular activities that my school or our local public schools did offer. It required super-expensive uniforms, but then also had very frequent "spirit day" activities when random other clothes were...not required, but highly encouraged... so we were forever having to go buy a shirt in some particular color.

The teachers hounded dd to go on a very expensive overseas trip, and at this school, apparently pretty much everyone *did* do things like that.There was generally no recognition that they were pressuring people to spend a ton of extra money.

It did offer a safe environment and fairly good teachers, but it wasn't good enough for us to justify continuing the expense. 

Edited by Innisfree
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7 hours ago, SKL said:

If you are sending your kids into such a situation, I suggest you set aside some money for frivolous expenditures, such as popular clothing, shoe brands, and maybe even haircuts.  It doesn't have to be a lot - just one nice pair of shoes and 2 or 3 branded sweatshirts or whatever.  Be strategic about it.  Right or wrong, these things can make a difference in how your kids are accepted, and in turn, how they feel about themselves.

I second this. If it's outside the normal budget, maybe give a special item or two as Christmas or birthday gifts.

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10 hours ago, BaseballandHockey said:

How did it feel?  How did it impact you?  Would you put your kids in the same situation? 

I honestly didn't really think about it much.  I think it impacted my parents more than it did me in that they never felt welcome as part of the parent community.  But that could have been for reasons other than wealth disparity.  

It's possible it's because my friends were unusual that the whole thing seemed sort of transparent (I mean, I see now that they were for lots of reasons, none of which have to do with money).  I know one of them was actively embarrassed by her father's wealth.

I actually went to two schools likes this, one for junior high and the other for high school.  The first was a girls school where the students' families had mostly old money.  My mother taught there.  That school was a poor fit for me, but not because of money. There were a lot of students there who weren't wealthy as well, and my friends came from all different classes.  The other school is the one I was talking about above.  Most of the kids in that school were from families with way more money than mine had and it was mostly new money.  That school was a fabulous fit for me.  If I were able to find a school that was as good of a fit for one of them as that one was for me, I would have sent my kid to it in a heartbeat regardless of the wealth of the other students' families.

Edited by EKS
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6 minutes ago, EKS said:

If I were able to find a school that was as good of a fit for one of them as that one was for me, I would have sent my kid to it in a heartbeat regardless of the wealth of the other students' families.

Ditto.

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One thing I figured out post-middle school ... being brought up in a relatively poor family, it was not unusual to talk about money in ways others find odd.  For example, for my mom, it was somewhat of a game/challenge (vs. just a necessity) to spend the least possible money.  It would be typical for us to say, e.g., "I can't understand spending $xx for a pair of shoes. I could buy 10 pairs of shoes at the Salvation Army for that much, and they would probably last longer."  That kind of mindset makes a lot of sense to us, but in school, it (a) puts down other families' choices while (b) broadcasting facts that other kids might be raised to find embarrassing.  And the other kids have no idea how to respond to that.

I guess I'm saying, make sure your kids know how to talk (or not talk) in mixed company.  Talk about finding common ground and not making assumptions based on material things.  Wealth doesn't make people jerks any more than poverty makes them saints.  Obviously we adults all know that, but kids may hear jokes and stereotypes that skew their understanding.

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Well, we moved the summer before my junior year of high school. At my previous school, everyone in honors classes, or really any classes, helped each other out. The goal was to understand, not to get grades. I didn't know anyone that drank.  I remember the teachers always talking about our class and how wonderful we were. ( As a teacher later, I got that comment. Classes have personalities.) So it may have just been my class and not the overall area.

I was thrust into a totally different world. Competition for grades was fierce, top spots separated by .001 or less. Keg parties were rampant. People whined about the terrible car their parents bought them ( not a BMW or some other fancy car) and bragged about their 80-100 dollar shoes. ( In mid-eighties that was really expensive.)  I got along fine, but I did not have any close friends or friends that I kept in touch with after I graduated. On the other hand, the teachers were amazing. My Latin teacher taught 5 classes a day. She made it fun. We had a Latin club, and they went to Rome every other year. ( I could not afford to go.) My AP English teacher was also amazing.   Also, choir experience was night and day. I got to be part of a show choir that didn't exist at my other school. Also found out I was a 1st soprano and not a 2nd alto.  Crazy, probably because I could sight-read. But I had no idea I could hit those notes. 

Mixed bag. 

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The joke around the school I was familiar with is that kids ask each other, "What color is your BMW?"

There is pressure on parents to give a lot of money, to contribute mightily to auctions.

Kids can be shut out of group activities if you don't set aside some money for that purpose--ski weekends, for example.  School uniforms were a big equalizer as far as wardrobe goes.

The educational aspect made it worth it but it's not without its challenges.  

 

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There are pros and cons.

My niece did.   She was lower middle/working class and went to a middle-high school where there were a number of kids with personal body guards.  She did make friends, but even they had a super hard time understanding why she couldn't drop $300 on an activity/item when they considered it so "affordable".  

My girls attended a private university where there were families that flew in on private jets, and dropped checks for four-years tuition upfront. (there's a discount)  There were similar "don't relate" moments.  Especially for 2dd when she joined the crew team, and couldn't afford to pay for her own travel expenses that other kids took for granted.

BUT - 2dd at one point said "I really didn't want to go to school A (all teaching was done by profs.), and now I want to transfer to school B (with lots of teaching done by grad students in large classes) ."  I told her to go ahead.  She did ask school B about study opportunities with the prof in her major.   "oh, if you're really good, and really lucky, etc. etc. etc. - you *might* be chosen for a group project with the prof.". . . . . at school A . . . there was no question, all students were involved with small group projects with the profs.  She elected to stay at the expensive private school.  - once1dd whined about how one (of her favorite) prof kept allowing students into the class and it was too big.  There were 13 students.

There will be times a student will feel the wealth gap.  There will be students who ignore a student who isnt' of the same economic class.  Profs and staff will likely be closer financially.  They will have academic opportunities they likely wouldn't have in a more fiscally modest school.

1dd ended up in contact with people with loads of money in her employment.  Because of where she attended school, and the money (well, the kids) to which she was exposed - she's absolutely not impressed by wealth.  Which is an advantage in employment, and life.

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Dd 22 did for several years in middle school. Tuition at this school would have been half my income at that time. She won a scholarship for all years she chose to attend, otherwise I could have never afforded it. 
 

The most noticeable differences were in clothing/tech/homes and vacations. I always doubled what would normally spend on clothes each year when she attended. She got a cell phone earlier than I would have liked because the teachers expected them to have and use cell phones to look things up in class. This was 10 years ago, before it was really common for 10 to 12yo to have phones. 
 

Her friends lived in million dollar homes and most took elaborate vacations on every school break. They spent summers in distant countries and had vast experiences that we could never afford. She never invited friends home and we did birthdays at other locations.
 

She had a good time there and got a great education for the years she attended. She appreciates her time there but chose to leave prior to her scholarship ending. She wanted to go to a school with people like her. 

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My kids have definitely been among the lower end at their high school. We had a few extremely lean years when my husband was unemployed and I really worried how it was going to affect my kids at school. Their friends were gifted brand new cars at 16, went on elaborate vacations to Europe, always had the latest in technology, and wore every new trend in fashion. My kids drove a barely-functioning-old-minivan, went camping each summer, had to buy their own iPods or phones, and shopped with me at secondhand stores for their clothes.
 

Fast forward a few years, and I think it was perhaps the best route we could have taken. Sure they missed out on some things, but they gained so much from learning to appreciate and value what they did have and learning to work for what they wanted. 

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We have some good friends who scrimped to send their kid to one of the higher end metros private high schools.  They ended up pulling their kid because the norms and expectations were so extreme.  I think some kids can handle a peer group like that when their norms at home are drastically different and some really struggle with it and end up very distracted by it having worked with tweens and teens in a variety of settings.  We have other friends who sent their Aspbergers son there and that ended up being a great fit for them and that kid just never was sucked into peer group comparisons.   I think it can depend a lot on your kid.  But having toured a bunch of theses schools when we were making educational choices, I get that sometimes you are making the less bad choice.  We do have very good and also diverse public options too though.  Not everyplace does.   

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My kids went to a primary school where there were some very wealthy kids though there were many that weren't.  My kids weren't that aware but I found it a bit odd at times.  I do remember my eldest once commenting that some of the kids got to go away all the holiday with one of their parents who could take several weeks off.  I am a single working mum who used nearly all my holiday pay each year to look after sick kids.

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Reading this thread, I get the feeling that the differences in lifestyle may be greater now than when I was a teen, and those more extreme variations might make things harder. The differences I noticed were people living in a more expensive neighborhood (but not everyone did), belonging to the country club (again, not everyone), and making their debut in senior year (maybe 1/4 of the class). Only one or two (out of 80+) typically spent summers out of the country, and of those, one was an international student going home. Many (most?) had summer jobs. Things sound like they might be different now.

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On 7/24/2021 at 12:08 AM, SKL said:

I went to one.  My siblings and I were often the teachers' scapegoats, and I remember being ridiculed and feeling "less than" because of material differences.  That said, the quality of education was probably worth it.  Our local public schools were notoriously awful.

If you are sending your kids into such a situation, I suggest you set aside some money for frivolous expenditures, such as popular clothing, shoe brands, and maybe even haircuts.  It doesn't have to be a lot - just one nice pair of shoes and 2 or 3 branded sweatshirts or whatever.  Be strategic about it.  Right or wrong, these things can make a difference in how your kids are accepted, and in turn, how they feel about themselves.

My kids are in a tiny parochial K-8 (class size 10 kids, grade size 4-5 kids) and small rural public 9-12 (grade size 50 kids) I believe the spending mentioned above is important for all school situations. Teen years are tough, and we spend money for our kids to be comfortable with their presentation - hair, makeup, clothes, etc. They have so many social issues to deal with daily, and I am determined to minimize the impact of items within my control. 

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We live in a town where many people are quite wealthy and we are middle to upper middle class.  We live in a small house that is constantly in a state of renovation.  There have been a few incidents that have stood out through the years.  When my son was in first grade a friend asked if we were poor because he didn't have an IPad.  The first time my daughters friend came over (now her best friend) she was about 7 and she was fascinated by our window air conditioning unit.  She had never seen one before.  But these instances have been few and far between. Not really kids being mean but just unaware of what is outside their little bubble.  The pros have been that their schools have been excellent and they have been able to do things we could not necessarily afford.  Go on trips with their friends, swim in their pools hang out on their boats.  No one ever held it against them that we couldn't reciprocate - It never mattered.  They have never been made to feel less than. They have always had numerous friends and practically no drama (even in middle school! lol) 

No one ever really cared what brand kids wore.  Through the years there have been brands my kids were interested in but I'm a Marshalls/TJ Maxx/ Outlet shopper so those name brands were never more expensive than any other clothes I would be buying for them.  

My kids have never really had an issue.  I have sometime felt hmmm, disappointed I guess I'll say.  For example my house is too small to hold a pasta party for the swim team like almost all of the other parents do.  And kids don't hang out here as often as other houses because there isn't really a separate more private area.  Even the other thread about pantries got to me a little.  we don't have a pantry or any where for a pantry to be. 

 

 

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My kids go to school with a lot of uber rich kids.   My kids are somewhere in the lower end of that.   It did become an issue at one point, but overall hasn't been as much of an issue.

Personally, I think the better option would have been the "2nd tier" wealth category.   I think people are more down to earth and more in line with our values.    But my 3rd son is graduating next year, so we are here for now

Oldest homeschooled all the way through, attending CC at 16, and never went to PS

Second son went to high school in PS and loved it.   He didn't care about wealth or snobbiness and found his place in school with the theatre group.

Third son has been far more into popularity (for lack of a better term) and image and it has bothered him some on occasion, but overall it has been fine.   HOWEVER, I will say that I think it would have bothered him more if we were much lower income/wealth and I don't think that would have been good for him.

 

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Mine will be starting a school like that this year. I am very worried. Hoping he has a strong sense of who he is to survive the zoo, but who knows. 
We bought him Vans. apparently that’s a footwear of choice. 🙄 Cloths. I am not going to bother. Old Navy is what he gets. 

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I grew up upper middle class in a wealthy area.  We went camping, they went to Hawaii twice a year.  In high school I drove a used Volvo, they drove (very lightly) used BMWs.  It was mostly fine, there were other kids like me, and my mom, who had grown up poor, made nice clothes a huge priority.  (The other middle school that joined our high school had substantial poverty, and I honestly can’t imagine their experience.)

My biggest piece of advice is just what *kind* of wealth are we talking about?  Old money people aren’t impressed by money, and they don’t see consumption as a competition.  New money can be a different thing.  Know what you are getting into.

 

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8 hours ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

 My biggest piece of advice is just what *kind* of wealth are we talking about?  Old money people aren’t impressed by money, and they don’t see consumption as a competition.  New money can be a different thing.  Know what you are getting into.

 

The cliche that people who have inherited money are somehow superior to people who have earned it is so gross to me. You could say that some people with new money see consumption as a competition, and that would certainly be true. You could also say that some people with old money care deeply about social standing and connections, and that would also be true. Both concerns are true about some people in both groups.

"Know what you are getting into" is very good advice, but it applies to the overall situation, not old money vs new money. This is America, after all, none of the money is that old. 

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Things we’ve had to navigate with our kids: weekend hanging out money (money to catch a movie, grab a pizza, door dash in a lunch over school hours), wardrobe (not just clothes—highlights & nails for young girl teens), school fundraiser expectations and vacation plans.

For me, in college, many of my friends weren’t like drive-a-BMW wealthy, they were private jet travel/family owns an island wealthy. I was friends with people who weren’t consumerist. I think there can be a place for anyone, anywhere, it’s just all in your personality and what you let bother you. If you see people just as people, it’s easier. 

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I would say it so depends on the families and if there is a mix there.

I went to a highschool with kids who's parents owned a helicopter or their own private plane (got to take thar in a ski trip once) and many got brand new cars at 16, etc.   But then there were also those of us that were country kids, worked to buy our own cars and clothes and entertainment, etc.   I mostly hung with that crowd.

I grew up in now what would likely be called poverty or lower working class....but I never felt that way.  I started working at 11 and by 16 had money saved to pay cash for a car, gas, insurance, my own clothes, entertainment, etc. 

We did a simple vacation once a year that grandparents paid for and after ate 12 I pretty much bought everything for myself except basic groceries, mortgage and utilities.   That was common though in our rural area and kids would even get calls at school in 5ty grade and up asking who could catch chickens or bale hay or   ....... That night 

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On 7/24/2021 at 1:18 PM, gardenmom5 said:

Because of where she attended school, and the money (well, the kids) to which she was exposed - she's absolutely not impressed by wealth.  Which is an advantage in employment, and life.

Back in the 1950s my mom was a scholarship student to a very expensive private school, and then to a very expensive private university (to which she commuted 2 hours each way on the subway).  While it sounds like the school, at least, could be a trying experience at times, her takeaway -- which she passed on to her kids -- was the same:  Money is great to have, but it's certainly not something to be impressed by.  Also, stand up straight and never ever apologize for your clothes or your home.  These lessons have served me very well at certain times of my life.

OP, I think that parents' attitudes are key in this situation.  If you are going to feel at all uncomfortable hosting your children's classmates and/or their parents, or if the wealth disparity is going to bother you and/or your husband, I wouldn't do it.  But if you yourself are genuinely at ease with the situation, that will go a long way in shaping your son's experience.  

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I don’t know if it is because I have boys, but appearances haven’t been a big deal. Most of the kids seem to wear athletic clothes. Some kids have nice cars, but my oldest seems happy to just have a car. I don’t think that has been a thing.  
 

What has been harder to keep up with is all the private lessons and private tutoring and expensive extracurriculars. It is hard to compete with kids for spots on sports teams or band or whatever when those kids have endless money to spend on lessons and better equipment.

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15 hours ago, katilac said:

The cliche that people who have inherited money are somehow superior to people who have earned it is so gross to me. You could say that some people with new money see consumption as a competition, and that would certainly be true. You could also say that some people with old money care deeply about social standing and connections, and that would also be true. Both concerns are true about some people in both groups.

"Know what you are getting into" is very good advice, but it applies to the overall situation, not old money vs new money. This is America, after all, none of the money is that old. 

It’s not a question of being superior.

It’s a question of how you wear your money.  If it’s new to you, you are more likely to feel like you deserved it and others who don’t have it are not as good, and wear it in flashiness and conspicuous consumption.  If it’s old money, you are more likely to be used to it, to have had enough life experience to realize that there is grace/luck/good fortune involved that is outside of people’s control, and not to have a lot of pent up demand to spend it in noticeable ways or judge others who do not or cannot.
 

This is readily observable where I live.  New money wealth towns and old money wealth towns are quite different.

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16 hours ago, katilac said:

The cliche that people who have inherited money are somehow superior to people who have earned it is so gross to me. You could say that some people with new money see consumption as a competition, and that would certainly be true. You could also say that some people with old money care deeply about social standing and connections, and that would also be true. Both concerns are true about some people in both groups.

"Know what you are getting into" is very good advice, but it applies to the overall situation, not old money vs new money. This is America, after all, none of the money is that old. 

Wow. That’s not what I said.  My mom, who raised me, grew up in poverty, but my dad grew up rich, and his mom and her family were old money WASPs.  Were they impressed by money, or inclined towards conspicuous consumption?  Nope.  They were also cold, socially aloof, laughably frugal, mostly oblivious to the material needs of others, and wholly incapable of actually talking about money, ever.  Which created real problems.  Not remotely superior, just different.

My main point is that rich people aren’t a monolith, and there are cultural differences and it’s important to figure out which culture is at issue. 

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On 7/23/2021 at 9:00 PM, BaseballandHockey said:

How did it feel?  How did it impact you?  Would you put your kids in the same situation? 

It’s been fine and yes, I would. My kids are not really into stuff so they’ve been pretty content. There’s an occasional very fun event that they get to do with their wealthier friends. 
 

idk, I grew up the same so it doesn’t phase me

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It was not good. There were a lot of drugs and misbehavior where the parents did not care it felt like. There were plenty of parents who did care, but it was hard to explain to the kids how drugs will ruin your life when the kids doing drugs were just given new cars and traveling, and credit cards, etc. 

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7 hours ago, lovinmyboys said:

What has been harder to keep up with is all the private lessons and private tutoring and expensive extracurriculars. It is hard to compete with kids for spots on sports teams or band or whatever when those kids have endless money to spend on lessons and better equipment.

QFT

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I think all this depends on how much you and your kids care about keeping up, how big of a wealth gap and the benefit of said school.

My uncle went to Oxford on scholarship(s), but my grandparents did not have a dime to give him (probably most people would consider poverty). He really struggled with the wealth divide. The education and connections were great, definitely pulled him out of poverty. If he got a do-over he would 100% still have gone to Oxford with all the struggles.  

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I grew up poor, and the only thing that made me feel self conscious was my wardrobe. I wish I could go back in time and give kid me some on trend clothes. 

I think you can do a lot with affordable stores like Old Navy these days. ThredUp has lots of very gently used clothes for less... There's probably a similar store for kids/boys. 

 

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1 hour ago, Kanin said:

I grew up poor, and the only thing that made me feel self conscious was my wardrobe. I wish I could go back in time and give kid me some on trend clothes. 

That did a lot of damage to my kids' dad and his sister, particularly because they knew they were definitely not poor and did not need to suffer this problem.

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