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The past six months my second cousin J has been babysitting my kids while we work.  By “babysitting,” I mean she comes around 4, I have dinner delivered, she helps the six year old get ready for bed, sleeps all night, and walks the youngest two to the bus stop during the school year.  She doesn’t even make breakfast because they all eat at school, and my oldest gets himself ready and on the bus.  During the summer, someone is home by 8:30 am.  For this, I pay around $220 a night. 

3 weeks ago she was on vacation and texted me asking for a $200 advance due to an emergency.  I sent it since she was supposed to babysit the next Thursday. That Thursday she texted me an hour before I had to leave for work and said she forgot there she had tickets to a concert and wouldn’t be there. I had to call off work because we literally had no one else. She said she’d be there this Thursday and didn’t show up. I hadn’t heard from her and had a backup plan this time. She texted me a half hour after I started work that she couldn’t come.  Usually she babysits for me Sunday but I assume she isn’t coming. My poor mother in law has had the kids six days this week because we have no one else to watch the kids and I’ve asked all over FB and stuff.  
Bottom line; I didn’t know her growing uP and don’t feel particularly close to her family wise. I want my $200 back. Should I just text her and ask what’s up or just ask for my $200 back?

Edited by Mrs Tiggywinkle
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2 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

That sounds like a crazy-good situation for her and it sounds like she doesn't appreciate it. Maybe someone else would like the job... 

Seriously, if I didn't live 5 hours or so away from you @Mrs Tiggywinkle *I* would consider the job!  I could use $220 a week!

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50 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

For this, I pay around $220 a night. 

 

12 minutes ago, freesia said:

I could use $220 a week!

She's paying $220 per night, not per week. It works out to just under $15 an hour for 3 kids. It's about average for babysitting in the places where I've lived. Normally, overnight baby sitting pays a bit more than average in my experience.

Per the question, I would ask what gives, ask for the advance back and expect that I wouldn't get the money back nor would I expect her to babysit anymore. Like the others have said.

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1 minute ago, sweet2ndchance said:

 

She's paying $220 per night, not per week. It works out to just under $15 an hour for 3 kids. It's about average for babysitting in the places where I've lived. Normally, overnight baby sitting pays a bit more than average in my experience.

Per the question, I would ask what gives, ask for the advance back and expect that I wouldn't get the money back nor would I expect her to babysit anymore. Like the others have said.

Oh, I know, I was thinking it was for just Thursday night.  But it is probably more often.

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My instinct is the $200 is gone. Think of it as her Christmas bonus.

I would not count on her any more (which you seem to have done) and retire from the job. 

I assume this is the medic job? I thought you had a WAH job writing and developing curriculum?

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Posted (edited)
20 minutes ago, pinball said:

My instinct is the $200 is gone. Think of it as her Christmas bonus.

I would not count on her any more (which you seem to have done) and retire from the job. 

I assume this is the medic job? I thought you had a WAH job writing and developing curriculum?

I do, but it’s dependent on staying active as a paramedic/keeping my state EMS instructor certification as it’s an EMS education company. I work two nights a week unless I’ve picked up overtime like I have the last few weeks. It’s decent because most days I can write content while at work and kill two birds with one stone.  It’s a really good balance for me, though I’ve honestly worked a lot of OT the last month to cover Disneyworld.  

My kids love J and there’s been no problems.  I honestly think she just doesn’t need the money and it’s not a big deal to her if she works or not. She was doing home health care too and ghosted the two clients she had, one of which was my grandmother.

I think this has got to be the easiest job in the world and pays well.  It comes out to about $12 an hour because it’s 4pm-7:30-8am but all you do is feed the kids, watch a movie with them and sleep. But I can’t find anyone who wants to do it.  Really, I just want my $200 back but she’s not answering my texts.  I kind of want to be a b&tch and text her Mom but I know I shouldn’t do that.

She’s not young, wither. She’s 32 and has a doctorate in pharmacy but maintains she can’t find work locally. I’m starting to think maybe she just really doesn’t want to work.

Edited by Mrs Tiggywinkle
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21 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I do, but it’s dependent on staying active as a paramedic/keeping my state EMS instructor certification as it’s an EMS education company. I work two nights a week unless I’ve picked up overtime like I have the last few weeks. It’s decent because most days I can write content while at work and kill two birds with one stone.  It’s a really good balance for me, though I’ve honestly worked a lot of OT the last month to cover Disneyworld.  

My kids love J and there’s been no problems.  I honestly think she just doesn’t need the money and it’s not a big deal to her if she works or not. She was doing home health care too and ghosted the two clients she had, one of which was my grandmother.

I think this has got to be the easiest job in the world and pays well.  It comes out to about $12 an hour because it’s 4pm-7:30-8am but all you do is feed the kids, watch a movie with them and sleep. But I can’t find anyone who wants to do it.  Really, I just want my $200 back but she’s not answering my texts.  I kind of want to be a b&tch and text her Mom but I know I shouldn’t do that.

She’s not young, wither. She’s 32 and has a doctorate in pharmacy but maintains she can’t find work locally. I’m starting to think maybe she just really doesn’t want to work.

Huh. Well, that’s interesting that she is so highly educated yet isn’t working in her field and also blowing off her caregiving jobs...even for family.

is there drug addiction or mental health issues?

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6 minutes ago, pinball said:

Huh. Well, that’s interesting that she is so highly educated yet isn’t working in her field and also blowing off her caregiving jobs...even for family.

is there drug addiction or mental health issues?

Neither.  She inherited a lot of money and doesn’t have any financial incentive to work much.  
I truly can’t believe that I can’t find anyone who wants this super easy job, but I will eventually find someone.   I just want my $200 back. Lol. I agree it’s probably a lost cause.

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7 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

Neither.  She inherited a lot of money and doesn’t have any financial incentive to work much.  
I truly can’t believe that I can’t find anyone who wants this super easy job, but I will eventually find someone.   I just want my $200 back. Lol. I agree it’s probably a lost cause.

Would there be room for an au pair in your new house?

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10 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

Neither.  She inherited a lot of money and doesn’t have any financial incentive to work much.  
I truly can’t believe that I can’t find anyone who wants this super easy job, but I will eventually find someone.   I just want my $200 back. Lol. I agree it’s probably a lost cause.

But wait...if she inherited a lot of money, why did she want an advance on her $200 pay from you?

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6 minutes ago, pinball said:

But wait...if she inherited a lot of money, why did she want an advance on her $200 pay from you?

Her wallet was stolen.  She needed it sent by PayPal because apparently where she was you can withdraw from PayPal at Walmart but only from an existing balance.  It wasn’t an actual financial need and why I didn’t mind lending her the money, because I knew she actually had the money just couldn’t access it on a Sunday afternoon 700 miles from home. 
 

No room for an au pair. We only have three bedrooms in the new house. But I (usually) only work two nights a week, so that would be overkill. My MIL will take the kids, but I have been working 4-5 overnights a week the last few weeks and hate asking for that much. I signed up for OT when J was sitting for me lol. 

We’ll manage babysitting. I just really want my money back because $200 is a lot more to me than it is to her.

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56 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I do, but it’s dependent on staying active as a paramedic/keeping my state EMS instructor certification as it’s an EMS education company. I work two nights a week unless I’ve picked up overtime like I have the last few weeks. It’s decent because most days I can write content while at work and kill two birds with one stone.  It’s a really good balance for me, though I’ve honestly worked a lot of OT the last month to cover Disneyworld.  

My kids love J and there’s been no problems.  I honestly think she just doesn’t need the money and it’s not a big deal to her if she works or not. She was doing home health care too and ghosted the two clients she had, one of which was my grandmother.

I think this has got to be the easiest job in the world and pays well.  It comes out to about $12 an hour because it’s 4pm-7:30-8am but all you do is feed the kids, watch a movie with them and sleep. But I can’t find anyone who wants to do it.  Really, I just want my $200 back but she’s not answering my texts.  I kind of want to be a b&tch and text her Mom but I know I shouldn’t do that.

She’s not young, wither. She’s 32 and has a doctorate in pharmacy but maintains she can’t find work locally. I’m starting to think maybe she just really doesn’t want to work.

She doesn’t want to work.  There’s a shortage of pharmacists everywhere. 

Edited by Katy
Typo reversed my meaning!
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Just now, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

Her wallet was stolen.  She needed it sent by PayPal because apparently where she was you can withdraw from PayPal at Walmart but only from an existing balance.  It wasn’t an actual financial need and why I didn’t mind lending her the money, because I knew she actually had the money just couldn’t access it on a Sunday afternoon 700 miles from home. 
 

No room for an au pair. We only have three bedrooms in the new house. But I (usually) only work two nights a week, so that would be overkill. My MIL will take the kids, but I have been working 4-5 overnights a week the last few weeks and hate asking for that much. I signed up for OT when J was sitting for me lol. 

We’ll manage babysitting. I just really want my money back because $200 is a lot more to me than it is to her.

Well, if her wallet was stolen and she actually has plenty of money, I would think she would have no problem paying you back. I would definitely ask her for it, and I would also ask why she has been blowing you off about the babysitting instead of just being honest with you.

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1 hour ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I think this has got to be the easiest job in the world and pays well.  It comes out to about $12 an hour because it’s 4pm-7:30-8am but all you do is feed the kids, watch a movie with them and sleep. But I can’t find anyone who wants to do it.

Not sure if this would be helpful at all. For babies you can get a night nanny (which costs slightly more than a day nanny, according to my friend who did it ages ago she was $25/hr in CA). Maybe look that up in your area? Maybe you'll find a night nanny that will charge you less because your kids are sleep trained.

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19 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

Her wallet was stolen.  She needed it sent by PayPal because apparently where she was you can withdraw from PayPal at Walmart but only from an existing balance.  It wasn’t an actual financial need and why I didn’t mind lending her the money, because I knew she actually had the money just couldn’t access it on a Sunday afternoon 700 miles from home. 
 

No room for an au pair. We only have three bedrooms in the new house. But I (usually) only work two nights a week, so that would be overkill. My MIL will take the kids, but I have been working 4-5 overnights a week the last few weeks and hate asking for that much. I signed up for OT when J was sitting for me lol. 

We’ll manage babysitting. I just really want my money back because $200 is a lot more to me than it is to her.

Well, that was really nice of you to send her the money. 

Too bad she is not being nice back.

Normally, conventional wisdom advises it is healthier (relationship-wise) when friends and family ask for a loan is to either say “no” OR think of it as a gift OR have very strict payback parameters set before you give the money.

it stinks your caught up in this

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47 minutes ago, pinball said:

Well, that was really nice of you to send her the money. 

Too bad she is not being nice back.

Normally, conventional wisdom advises it is healthier (relationship-wise) when friends and family ask for a loan is to either say “no” OR think of it as a gift OR have very strict payback parameters set before you give the money.

it stinks your caught up in this

Yeah, I wasn’t really thinking of it as a loan, more like Oh yeah, I can pay you today for next Thursday night. 

We’re rural. There’s no baby or night nurses here.  People really struggle to find any kind of childcare.  My MIL and SIL will take the kids on the two nights we’re both working until I find someone and I’m done with overtime for the summer.  I just need to get my attitude right and not make a family blowout over $200. 

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4 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

 I just need to get my attitude right and not make a family blowout over $200. 

She’s the one who needs an attitude adjustment, and if she doesn’t promptly pay you back when requested, she’s the one who is instigating a ‘family blowout’.   She might not need to work but you do and she cost you money when she left you high and dry and you had to call out of your shift. 

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Wow, that seems like a great little side job, especially considering they're probably asleep for half of it!  Would there be an older, retired woman in town who would want to do that?

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2 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

She inherited a lot of money and doesn’t have any financial incentive to work much.  

 

2 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I just really want my money back because $200 is a lot more to me than it is to her.

 

First, I'm wondering if the stolen wallet was a story and she really doesn't have a lot of money.  Is it possible she's blown it all already?  Second, maybe she will continue to ignore you, but I would come right out and say, "$200 is a lot of money for me and my family. It's ok if you don't want this job, but please do the right thing and pay me back so that I can hire someone else." 

Edited by kristin0713
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57 minutes ago, kristin0713 said:

 

 

First, I'm wondering if the stolen wallet was a story and she really doesn't have a lot of money.  Is it possible she's blown it all already?  Second, maybe she will continue to ignore you, but I would come right out and say, "$200 is a lot of money for me and my family. It's ok if you don't want this job, but please do the right thing and pay me back so that I can hire someone else." 

I doubt she could have blown the money without more outward trappings of wealth. She travels, but doesn’t live extravagantly.  It’s enough money to subsidize a modest lifestyle with some frequent travel, which is what she has.

Honestly I have to wonder if something is going on.  She’s taken care of my grandmother for a year and babysat for me for several months and was always extremely reliable.  But she won’t answer anyone’s texts and I don’t know if reaching out to her mom is the right thing to do.  But I’ve scraped together the money to take my daughter to Florida next week and that $200 would come in handy.

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1 minute ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I doubt she could have blown the money without more outward trappings of wealth. She travels, but doesn’t live extravagantly.  It’s enough money to subsidize a modest lifestyle with some frequent travel, which is what she has.

Honestly I have to wonder if something is going on.  She’s taken care of my grandmother for a year and babysat for me for several months and was always extremely reliable.  But she won’t answer anyone’s texts and I don’t know if reaching out to her mom is the right thing to do.  But I’ve scraped together the money to take my daughter to Florida next week and that $200 would come in handy.

I would call her mom.🤷🏻‍♀️ 

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A bill collector would not hesitate to badger her mom.  I’m joking about that, but really, it does seem concerning that she’s suddenly gone from reliable to totally ignoring you. I hope everything is ok. 

Edited by Annie G
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I’d contact her mom because you’re concerned.

It sounds like she has something going on.  Depression?  Is she bipolar, by chance?  I know someone who does similar things when heading into a downswing.  
 

I hope you find someone reliable soon!

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6 hours ago, Katy said:

She doesn’t want to work.  There’s a shortage of pharmacists everywhere. 

Most definitely not true here and this varies by part of the country. Hospital pharmacy jobs, generally the most sought after, are extremely competitive, and now often require a residency first. Retail pharmacy jobs, which can suck super big time, especially if working for some of the large chains, are more available, especially in remote areas or places where people don’t want to live. Pharmacy is actually the law school of the medical field. Universities can churn out pharmacists relatively cheaply, but charge them high tuition, due to high starting salaries. So programs have proliferated. In places like Florida you can now do the majority of a PharmD degree online.

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24 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

I was thinking drugs. Pharmacy background, doesn't want to work, suddenly has some money issues, and then ghosts everyone?  Hmmm...

I'd call her mother and ask if she's ok. 

Sadly it is not uncommon among medical professionals.

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9 hours ago, Spryte said:

I’d contact her mom because you’re concerned.

about a 32 yo??

11 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

But I’ve scraped together the money to take my daughter to Florida next week and that $200 would come in handy.

It's gone. Let it go. Make another plan. 

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These are relatives though right?  I don't think it would be inappropriate to contact mom and say "Hey I am a bit worried about Jane.  She needed a cash advance and now I can't get a hold of her anymore.  Do you know if she is ok?".  If it were a circumstance of not knowing the family other than an infrequent employee, I wouldn't bother.  But in this case I would.  

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3 hours ago, PeterPan said:

about a 32 yo??

It's gone. Let it go. Make another plan. 

I thought she said she was concerned?  Maybe not?  If not, chalk it up to poor reading comprehension on my end.  Sleep deprivation here, sick kid care going on.  
 

 

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2 hours ago, FuzzyCatz said:

These are relatives though right?  I don't think it would be inappropriate to contact mom and say "Hey I am a bit worried about Jane.  She needed a cash advance and now I can't get a hold of her anymore.  Do you know if she is ok?".  If it were a circumstance of not knowing the family other than an infrequent employee, I wouldn't bother.  But in this case I would.  

Distant relatives. I know her mom but not well.  I only met J within the last few years at a family reunion because they’d just moved back.  So we didn’t grow up together.

 

27 minutes ago, Spryte said:

I thought she said she was concerned?  Maybe not?  If not, chalk it up to poor reading comprehension on my end.  Sleep deprivation here, sick kid care going on.  
 

 

I am kind of concerned. She’s been super reliable until now.  

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15 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

Honestly I have to wonder if something is going on.  She’s taken care of my grandmother for a year and babysat for me for several months and was always extremely reliable.  But she won’t answer anyone’s texts

So you haven't actually talked to her since she asked for the money?  All of your interactions have been by text? 

Maybe I read too many detective mysteries, but I'd want to actually set eyes on her at this point.

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I would ask for the money - but I also wouldn't expect to get it back.

I'd be looking for a new babysitter.  If you want to give her a chance, flat out ask her if she plans on babysitting for you in future, or if you should consider her to have quit without notice.

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12 hours ago, Frances said:

Most definitely not true here and this varies by part of the country. Hospital pharmacy jobs, generally the most sought after, are extremely competitive, and now often require a residency first. Retail pharmacy jobs, which can suck super big time, especially if working for some of the large chains, are more available, especially in remote areas or places where people don’t want to live. Pharmacy is actually the law school of the medical field. Universities can churn out pharmacists relatively cheaply, but charge them high tuition, due to high starting salaries. So programs have proliferated. In places like Florida you can now do the majority of a PharmD degree online.

Dd was shocked she had classmates (top ten pharm school) without an undergrad.  They just had to meet the entrance requirements, which is at least two years with a lot of hard science.  (we all laughed as she had to take a course in public speaking prior to starting).  Her next door PharmD neighbor has gone back to get her bachelor's because she doesn't have one. 

 PharmD's used to be unusual, now they're basically required by employers.  

Edited by gardenmom5
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Just now, gardenmom5 said:

Dd was shocked she had classmates (top ten pharm school) without an undergrad.  They just had to meet the entrance requirements.  (we all laughed as she had to take a course in public speaking prior to starting).  Her next door PharmD neighbor has gone back to get her bachelor's because she doesn't have one. 

 PharmD's used to be unusual, now they're basically required by employers.  

My husband had a PhD and had been a professor for many years, was a high school state speech champion, and had tested out of our college speech requirement. He still wasn’t sure his petition to be exempt from the speech requirement would be approved.  I have to admit I find the speech requirement silly given the number of people I’ve known who took speech online. He did have to take statistics and economics courses before applying plus anatomy and physiology, despite having been accepted to medical school. I think PharmD programs actually have more prerequisites than MD programs. He did manage to get out of biochemistry despite never taking it, but he had taught it. But they only exempted him one quarter at a time, so there was always the chance he would have to do the next one.

The state school here allows people to apply without an undergrad degree, but really only accepts their own without one and they eventually get both degrees. I think several of the healthcare fields have gone to requiring a doctorate for new grads while still grandfathering in older ones.

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27 minutes ago, Frances said:

My husband had a PhD and had been a professor for many years, was a high school state speech champion, and had tested out of our college speech requirement. He still wasn’t sure his petition to be exempt from the speech requirement would be approved.  I have to admit I find the speech requirement silly given the number of people I’ve known who took speech online. He did have to take statistics and economics courses before applying plus anatomy and physiology, despite having been accepted to medical school. I think PharmD programs actually have more prerequisites than MD programs. He did manage to get out of biochemistry despite never taking it, but he had taught it. But they only exempted him one quarter at a time, so there was always the chance he would have to do the next one.

The state school here allows people to apply without an undergrad degree, but really only accepts their own without one and they eventually get both degrees. I think several of the healthcare fields have gone to requiring a doctorate for new grads while still grandfathering in older ones.

yeah - dd took speech online.  Definitely silly.  She never did debate, but she did a lot of public speaking and she was very comfortable doing so.

The PharmDs and the MDs did had a lot of classes in common that first year.  The admissions board did look at her background, and asked her why didn't she apply to the medical school.  She wasn't a straight A student at her elite university (the first time in her life), and despite me repeatedly telling her her grades were better than she thought - that was when she finally believed me.   She has no regrets having done Pharm rather than medicine. (she'd talked about it earlier)

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3 hours ago, EKS said:

So you haven't actually talked to her since she asked for the money?  All of your interactions have been by text? 

Maybe I read too many detective mysteries, but I'd want to actually set eyes on her at this point.

I’ve only talked to her through text and it’s been brief. It is kind of weird.  I don’t expect her to babysit again, which is okay.  My MIL will keep the kids the two nights DH and I work and if I want overtime I’ll find someone else.

It is kind of bizarre the more I think about it, because J has always been very very reliable.

I have no clue about the availability of pharmacy jobs in my area. We aren’t very big and she’s disinclined to move away.  Personally I think she loves to travel and has the money to, and a normal job would interfere with that. I also love to travel and do things with my kids, so I’ve settled into the fact that I’d rather earn less money and have a freer schedule to do things with my kids, so I get it.

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