How would you handle (a parenting question)?

[SKL]

I remember a patient boss often saying to me "yes? no? maybe?" when I wasn't being verbal.

I don't understand why I had this issue, but I do agree it can be a problem if not addressed.

Though not-quite-8yo is maybe early to be over-stressed about it.

[PeterPan]

59 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Expressive language warning flags are going up in my mind, fwiw.

I had a neurotypical kid who had selective mutism when stressed.  I'm going to share this here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selective_mutism

Exactly. And since either of those (anxiety or larger language issues) are commonly comorbid with dyslexia (which is itself a language processing issue), it should be on the table.

As for what to do, we have this in our house. Ds does have language issues and he's also pretty quirky with his sensory, impulsivity, etc. If he's merely *negligent* I require him to eat it later, even if it is soggy, or I throw it out. His currency, what motivates him, is money, so I would also charge him for the food, just like I charge for property destruction.

However it doesn't sound like you're at that place where consequences (eating soggy food, paying for it) would be appropriate. It sounds like you have communication and self awareness issues to work on first. You can't require what he can't do. 

The thing you can do immediately is cut his portions in half. That's something I did and it solves the problem in the temporary sense while you work on the larger issues.

Edited July 13, 2021 by PeterPan

[PeterPan]

4 minutes ago, SKL said:

I remember a patient boss often saying to me "yes? no? maybe?" when I wasn't being verbal.

I don't understand why I had this issue, but I do agree it can be a problem if not addressed.

Though not-quite-8yo is maybe early to be over-stressed about it.

Actually dropping questions entirely is a better approach for anxiety. So instead of asking what he wants, she merely says "The choices are cereal, eggs, fruit." She could also create a visual menu of the choices. Asking questions directly is very confrontational and creates stress, so you just rephrase it into a statement. 

Is this issue occurring only at breakfast or is it occurring other times during the day? (communication breakdowns, etc.) You're looking for patterns to say well it's that he doesn't like breakfast foods vs. he freezes when asked a question.

[PeterPan]

9 minutes ago, SKL said:

8yo is maybe early to be over-stressed about it.

Given the literature now saying DLD (developmental language disorders) frequently go undiagnosed, it's totally appropriate for her to be paying attention to red flags and odd things. Just the fact that she started the thread defensively, saying it's NOT NOT NOT a (pick your label) problem, is saying she already knows there are flags, things she's not saying, things people have maybe said to her, things people would read that way. 

I remember this moment years and years ago meeting this woman and I was like MY DS DOES NOT HAVE AUTISM, ONLY APRAXIA. And I was so enlightened about it. And yeah, a year later he was diagnosed. I was defensive because the red flags were there and anyone watching objectively could see it.

And I totally get if she wants to say we all jump and read into things, fine. My thought is really simple, get an eval with an SLP who specializes in expressive language or literacy and sort it out. He already has one diagnosed language disability so it's not a leap to say more is going on. The SLP is the right person to sort it out. Not the CELF which is a screener but some actual, deep, serious language testing.

Edited July 13, 2021 by PeterPan

[barnwife]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

I remember a patient boss often saying to me "yes? no? maybe?" when I wasn't being verbal.

I don't understand why I had this issue, but I do agree it can be a problem if not addressed.

Though not-quite-8yo is maybe early to be over-stressed about it.

Oh the number of times I have asked a question followed by "yes? No? Maybe? You can answer with thumbs up or thumbs down or just nod or shake your head."  If I had a penny - not even a nickel or dime - a penny for each time, I'd be rich. 

[Scarlett]

18 minutes ago, barnwife said:

Oh the number of times I have asked a question followed by "yes? No? Maybe? You can answer with thumbs up or thumbs down or just nod or shake your head."  If I had a penny - not even a nickel or dime - a penny for each time, I'd be rich. 

My niece is like this.  If she doesn't want to answer she just won't.  It is very frustrating.  

 

[Melissa Louise]

I would leave the food on the table, walk away, and refuse to get in any kind of struggle about it, with the kid or with myself. 

Anxiety/anger/frustration around food will just make whatever is happening, worse. 

I wouldn't care about waste. In kid's stomach or in the compost - it's been made. 

I'd start transitioning kid to managing own own breakfast ( or morning drink).

I'd investigate for selective mutism, and wonder what else might come up as not strictly neurotypical in those investigations. 

 

[Tanaqui]

Maybe I missed this in the thread, but at the very least it sounds like your kid has some sort of additional disability, not just the dyslexia. Selective mutism? Apraxia? I don't know, but something going on communicationwise.

And if you've got dyslexia + some other language disability + possible ARFID as was suggested then honestly, there's probably something else tying this all together.

Which means that this isn't a character issue or something that's solved with more conversation or more discipline or more insisting on manners, as some commenters seem to think. It's something that requires, at the very least, an SLP.

To answer the actual question, I'm not picking fights with my kids, whether or not I think they're NT, about whether or not they communicate with me verbally, nor about whether or not she eats the food. That never helps.

Division of responsibility here - I prepare the food and make it available, kid decides how much to eat."None" is an option.

Edited July 13, 2021 by Tanaqui

[Bootsie]

16 hours ago, barnwife said:

RE: food specifically...if we are eating something he doesn't want at that moment, he often chooses to just not eat, even if it's something he likes. (He's been known to eat 4 brats for dinner. But other times, he just doesn't want them, so he either just eats whatever else we are eating, or doesn't eat.) He really does eat a wide variety of foods. And if he doesn't eat, he doesn't usually ask for anything until the next meal approaches. He is just sometimes grumpy.

 

If he eats a wide variety of foods and doesn't ask for anything else until the next meal approaches, personally I would not be too concerned about his not eathing a particular item on a given day.  I understand the idea of not wasting food, but I would focus on the idea of approaching a long-run teaching of an appreciation for and thankfulness for food (and not wasting it) rather than focusing on "we need to make sure no food is wasted today."  Children need time and freedom to figure things out--when are my eyes bigger than my stomach? when I have post-nasal drainage due to allergies, does the yogurt just not tast good?  If my tummy is a bit rumbly is it better to avoid certain foods?  For some children, picking up on those clues and being in touch with what their body is telling them about food comes more quickly and more naturally than for some other children.  For other children it takes longer.  And, many children have not developed the thought and language skills to express what their body is telling them.  Sometimes that learning process means that a resource is "wasted"--in that it is used in that learning process rather than for what its usual intended purpose is.