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Posted (edited)
3 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

I am lost on this.  His dad stood by your mom who are both vaccinated now means your dh needs to?   I don't follow it.

Dh’s dad will go into a restaurant with unvaccinated people, but he won’t be near his unvaccinated son. 

Edited by Elizabeth86
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2 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Vaccinated people do not have to mask according to the CDC so your FIL did nothing wrong or manipulative.  You have no reason to be mad for them setting a boundary for their health and the health of the community. 

What? He doesn’t have to mask, I know. BUT he isn’t seeing his son, but he will be near strangers.

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1 minute ago, Elizabeth86 said:

He’s going in public places with unvaccinated people, but he won’t see unvaccinated children or grandchildren. (30 some % of area is all that is vaccinated still)

And that's his choice. Why are you inserting yourself into this?

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2 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

He’s going in public places with unvaccinated people, but he won’t see unvaccinated children or grandchildren. (30 some % of area is all that is vaccinated still)

Is he worried that contact with relatives would be longer and closer?

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1 minute ago, barnwife said:

And that's his choice. Why are you inserting yourself into this?

ETA: That reads snarkier than I intended, I think. I know inlaw relationships can be complicated (oh, what an understatement). Also, I agree with what @Laura Corin posted being a possible concern. 

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3 minutes ago, barnwife said:

And that's his choice. Why are you inserting yourself into this?

I guess because I’m a piece of shit, idk.  🤣 Because dh is hurt his parents are not seeing him and that they are doing things with strangers they won’t do for him. 

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2 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

Is he worried that contact with relatives would be longer and closer?

I guess you all just don’t know how they are. They are straight up abusive and manipulative about EVERYTHING. This is nothing new. 

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2 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Dh’s dad will go into a restaurant with unvaccinated people, but he won’t be near his unvaccinated son. 

Ahhh got it.    Sigh, this is so hard.   The divide with the vaccine.  I think we all need to give each other grace during this odd time.  We are all being faced with decisions everyday that we have to figure out what is important or worth the risk to us.   

I am sorry your dh is hurt.  That sucks.  

 

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Just now, Elizabeth86 said:

I guess you all just don’t know how they are. They are straight up abusive and manipulative about EVERYTHING. This is nothing new. 

Oh ok .  Then don't give them the grace.  I didn't remember all the backstory.   Just more of the same from them.   Your dh probably needs to figure out if he wants to keep having a relationship with them and it if is worth it

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Just now, mommyoffive said:

Oh ok .  Then don't give them the grace.  I didn't remember all the backstory.   Just more of the same from them.   Your dh probably needs to figure out if he wants to keep having a relationship with them and it if is worth it

Yeah, I know it’s his business, but he does NOT know they are hanging out with other people.

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6 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

I guess because I’m a piece of shit, idk.  🤣 Because dh is hurt his parents are not seeing him and that they are doing things with strangers they won’t do for him. 

I definitely don't think that's true of you! I was more thinking that this is a burden/stress you don't need to take on. There's no need for you to do anything, other than support your DH who is hurting.

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We have a very similar situation.  No one was allowed in IL's house during COVID, until of course they needed some free labor and then we were called to provide it (had to wear a mask in the house which we were totally fine with).  Now however, we aren't allowed anywhere near them due to the difference in vaccination status.  They lay the guilt trip on heavy but it's not like they were willing to see us precovid, this is just another way to manipulate and control.  Yes it's hurtful but at some point you have to make peace with the fact that for whatever reason, some parents aren't loving to their kids (and before anyone jumps on me, I'm saying this because clearly this poor relationship has been going on long before covid so the vaccination isn't the real issue) and you have to just move on without them. I'm sure the next time IL's need labor, suddenly we will be remembered again.  That is pretty much the only time we've been called in the last 20 years is when they need help.

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Perhaps his parents are assuming that unmasked individuals/strangers are vaccinated, as the guidelines say you can be unmasked if you are vaccinated. So they may be operating under the assumption that the strangers are vaccinated, and they KNOW that your DH is not vaccinated. This may not be a big double standard at all. 

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Can you just meet them at a restaurant?  Maybe they don't want unvaccinated people in their home.

Or, maybe the relationship is too damaged to be worth trying to save?  

Personally, I wouldn't tell your dh what your mom told you -- that she saw FIL at a restaurant.  I would let your dh handle his own relationship with his parents and I would stay out of it.

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13 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

I am sorry you got put into it.  Your kind of stuck now.  Damned if you do and if you don't.  

Yep, that’s why I was venting here. I’m as pro vaccine as anyone, but I can’t make dh and I don’t understand parents like his.

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8 minutes ago, OH_Homeschooler said:

Perhaps his parents are assuming that unmasked individuals/strangers are vaccinated, as the guidelines say you can be unmasked if you are vaccinated. So they may be operating under the assumption that the strangers are vaccinated, and they KNOW that your DH is not vaccinated. This may not be a big double standard at all. 

No. With only 30% of our area vaccinated and like about half masked even before vaccines existed and even though it is a law. No

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7 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

No. With only 30% of our area vaccinated and like about half masked even before vaccines existed and even though it is a law. No

I understand that, but perhaps their perception is different? Maybe they think people follow the law.

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Hugs- yeah, your dh should know his father was out in public, next to who knows *how many* other people in the restaurant weren't vaccinated, without wearing a mask.

who knows how many other public places he was - without a mask, near people who weren't vaccinated.

maybe your dh could suggest they meet at a restaurant - since your fil was happy to go to one where there were likely unvaccinated people . . .

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49 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Vaccinated people do not have to mask according to the CDC so your FIL did nothing wrong or manipulative.  You have no reason to be mad for them setting a boundary for their health and the health of the community. 

he was in a restaurant, where even unvaccinated people would be unmasked (so they could eat.).  He was in public with other people, some of whom were likely not vaccinated, but he refuses to be near his unvaccinated son.  - they should just go meet in a restaurant.

do you really think all the unmasked people - even here (with our 70% vaccination rate) - are vaccinated?  yes, people are supposed to mask, but not everyone was masking before.  I guarantee - there are unmasked people who aren't vaccinated.

 

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1 minute ago, gardenmom5 said:

do you really think all the unmasked people - even here (with our 70% vaccination rate) - are vaccinated?  yes, people are supposed to mask, but not everyone was masking before.  I guarantee - there are unmasked people who aren't vaccinated.

Had this discussion with 2 friends this past week.   They will not be vaccinating or masking from here on out.  They told the children they were “pretending to be vaccinated”.  So yeah that is 💯 a thing people are doing.  

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34 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Yep, that’s why I was venting here. I’m as pro vaccine as anyone, but I can’t make dh and I don’t understand parents like his.

I can understand the hesitancy.  I was very hesitant due to being immune compromised.  only reading some stuff on an EBV board did I decide it was worth the risk to get the jab.  I also stretched the 2nd dose out more than twice as long as was recommended.

now I'm deciding if I want to have dudeling or not - he rarely goes anywhere.  He'd rather just sit in the basement and be a hermit.

 

I don't understand his father either, and my pharmd (with lots of interest in vaccines)  dd did something similar pre-covid.  everyone who wanted to see the baby was required to get a new tdap (or Dtap - whichever it is).  My arm was red, hot, stiff, and very swollen for more than a week - and hurt even longer . . . . . . She brought the baby to the airport, she had taken him shopping previously . . . . All I could wonder was - why did I have to do this again?

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Ugh, so sorry you’re in a crummy position.  

Do you feel you must share that your mom saw your FIL out and about? What good will come of sharing it?  
 

Maybe your ILs are just PITAs, but if you want to give them grace, here’s some random re-framing ideas…

I don’t really go out unmasked, but the very few times we have, I’ve had to perform serious mental gymnastics to convince myself that most people are masked because the sign on the door says if you’re unvaccinated you must mask.  A-hem.  I want to believe that all people are honest, and even if they don’t choose a vaccine will at least honor the business owner’s choice.  But I know, sadly, most people are probably checking their honesty at the door on that one.  It sure doesn’t make me respect them or view them as ethical. Anyway, all of that was just to say that possibly your ILs could be doing the same mental trick.  I don’t know.  

Also, with the above in mind, I am ok with passing, quick interactions with unvaxxed people, but won’t invite them into my home or visit theirs.  I’d meet outside, though!  

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2 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

I guess you all just don’t know how they are. They are straight up abusive and manipulative about EVERYTHING. This is nothing new. 

I understand what you are saying. This would hurt me, as well. I agree you should tell your Dh. Of course, he should choose when or if to get vaccinated. And I say that as someone who is in favor of people being vaccinated in general. 
 

A family member keeps asking when my dh is going to get vaccinated. It is irritating because they have been very pushy and argumentative about it to ME.  I just want to say why don’t you have this conversation with my dh? He DID get vaccinated recently, but I haven’t told this person so. I don’t think I need to. Dh isn’t keen on making a huge announcement, so it isn’t my place to tell anyone. 

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2 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

I guess because I’m a piece of shit, idk.  🤣 Because dh is hurt his parents are not seeing him and that they are doing things with strangers they won’t do for him. 

I agree that this is bad.  BTDT.  Not at all sure what to recommend.

ETA:  Not sure meant I’m not sure what I would recommend that he do.  Not that I’m not sure whether to tell him.  Definitely tell him.  You’re his wife. You don’t have to make it snarky, but gently tell him. He deserves to know.

Edited by Carol in Cal.
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The only reason I’m in favor of telling is because if you think you are being manipulated, I think it’s better to know. 
 

There’s lots of times when I am not so sure there is clear lying or manipulation with certain people. Or what the depth of it is. For me, it would confirm and validate and make it easier to be protective of myself while knowing it’s truly justified. 
 

It would be personally hard for me to keep that to myself knowing my dh was being treated that way. 

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3 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

He’s going in public places with unvaccinated people, but he won’t see unvaccinated children or grandchildren. (30 some % of area is all that is vaccinated still)

The risk of a short time with possibly unvaxed people is less than the risk of having definitely unvaxed people in your house for a visit.

Would your in-laws be willing to meet you guys for a meal at a restaurant or other short-term visit outside of their home?

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Also, I can't help wondering why your mom is stirring it up.

And while I'm not married, I'm not sure it's absolutely necessary to bring this up to your DH at all.

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Posted (edited)
37 minutes ago, SKL said:

The risk of a short time with possibly unvaxed people is less than the risk of having definitely unvaxed people in your house for a visit.

Would your in-laws be willing to meet you guys for a meal at a restaurant or other short-term visit outside of their home?

I doubt they want to meet up anywhere, if we went to their house, we would likely be in the barn anyway, that’s what we have always done. And it’s not a short time, fil and the old men in town sit around together all morning drinking coffee every. single. morning.

Edited by Elizabeth86
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Posted (edited)
36 minutes ago, SKL said:

Also, I can't help wondering why your mom is stirring it up.

And while I'm not married, I'm not sure it's absolutely necessary to bring this up to your DH at all.

She NEVER ever stirs up ANYTHING. Back off my mom. I was visiting her yesterday and she said to me “I saw ____ at ______ yesterday morning and he asked me when I had seen the babies. I said, “wait, he was actually inside restaurant.” She said yes, I asked if he had on a mask, she said no and that was it. She doesn’t know the drama.

Edited by Elizabeth86
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2 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

I doubt they want to meet up anywhere, if we went to their house, we would likely be in the barn anyway, that’s what we have always done. And it’s not a short time, fil and the old men in town sit around together all morning drinking coffee every. single. morning.

If his buddies are all vaccinated, then that's still low risk.

Anyhoo, if they are such mean people, why would you want to go visiting them any sooner than they want it?  Wait for them to invite.

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Posted (edited)
4 minutes ago, SKL said:

If his buddies are all vaccinated, then that's still low risk.

Anyhoo, if they are such mean people, why would you want to go visiting them any sooner than they want it?  Wait for them to invite.

I don’t want them visiting. Dh is just feeling upset. I’m concerned for dh. And really I needed to vent. I wasn’t looking for advice or anyone to take up for my in-laws🤣

Edited by Elizabeth86
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4 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

She NEVER ever stirs up ANYTHING. Back off my mom. I was visiting her yesterday and she said to me “I saw ____ at ______ yesterday morning and he asked me when I had seen the babies. I said, “wait, he was actually inside restaurant.” She said yes, I asked if he had on a mask, she said no and that was it. She doesn’t know the drama.

Oh, OK.

I still don't think you need to bring this up to your dh.  It seems he'll only be hurt more by hearing this.

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My BTDT with my difficult in-laws (difficult is generous) is that letting dh handle all interactions is best. Yes, they are likely avoiding their own son and his family. Yes, that is not commendable or loving behavior. And, perhaps if they are abusive and manipulative (your description), taking a continued break from interactions may actually be a blessing in disguise.

There is a difference between interacting with the idealized parent (we all want close and loving relationships with our parents) and interacting with the people in front of you. It’s ok for dh to be upset. He actually should be. Being upset reminds us that we are being treated badly. It’s a safety mechanism.

IME, very little that I say about my in laws is actually helpful other than to validate and support his feelings and his processing those. Sharing info isn’t necessarily helpful—it allows manipulative in-laws to triangulate you and it takes away from his image of his parents (even if it’s true). We had some rough years when we had to interact with them on the regular. My Inlaws nearly caused divorces in relationships between my SILs/BILs. It’s been much better when we have all stepped back from the relationships—it allowed the emotional space for all of the siblings to see their parents clearly.

Edited by prairiewindmomma
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1 hour ago, Elizabeth86 said:

She NEVER ever stirs up ANYTHING. Back off my mom. I was visiting her yesterday and she said to me “I saw ____ at ______ yesterday morning and he asked me when I had seen the babies. I said, “wait, he was actually inside restaurant.” She said yes, I asked if he had on a mask, she said no and that was it. She doesn’t know the drama.

Gently, OP, you seem to be overreacting here. I don't think the poster you were responding to meant her question in a negative, piling on way. I think, perhaps, this would have made a good JAWM post. Many people (including myself, although I didn't word it well at first) have tried to point out that you are in an unfortunate place, but you really don't need to tell your DH anything your mom told you. Just support him as needed as he deals with a difficult relationship with his parents.

If it comes up in conversation, I wouldn't deliberately hide what you know, but I don't think I'd be offering it up either. 

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It sounds like, over the years, your in laws have put your husband through a lot.  Maybe it’s for the best that he doesn’t have to see them right now.  I know that adults who were abused as children are often still looking for the acceptance and love that that should have received from their parents as children but did not.  So your husband’s emotions about this are definitely understandable and it’s understandable that you would have a lot of feelings about it, watching the impact these people have had on your spouse over the years.  

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7 hours ago, HeartString said:

Had this discussion with 2 friends this past week.   They will not be vaccinating or masking from here on out.  They told the children they were “pretending to be vaccinated”.  So yeah that is 💯 a thing people are doing.  

My parents are not vaccinated, and refuse to mask going forward. They said that if it bothers others [vaccinated people], they can wear the masks if it's so important to them. So, yeah. This is a thing.

OP, sorry about inlaws. Some people will be difficult about anything, and when given an already-difficult topic it's like a field day.

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10 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Dh’s dad will go into a restaurant with unvaccinated people, but he won’t be near his unvaccinated son. 

I get the upset over this. My children were not allowed to visit my grandma under the excuse that my children were not vaccinated. But then there were several other kids visiting grandma, not vaccinated, and ones that are not even related. And she even went to a children’s soccer game, all these little children running around, unvaccinated.

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