About to fail counseling . . . again.

[prairiewindmomma]

I don’t know that you are doing anything wrong. You do have a lot on your plate.

Just as an aside, your B12 has been checked regularly, right? I know a few long-term vegans who found improvement in their depression with heavier supplementation than one would expect for their size snd age.

[Scarlett]

4 hours ago, Jenny in Florida said:

Not a Christian in the usual sense of the word. 

But, yes, the way I describe it is that I feel like I just want to go home. I'm tired and sad and I want to go where I feel safe and can relax and rest and feel loved and cared for. The problem is that place doesn't seem to exist. At least, I've never been there.

 

3 hours ago, Jenny in Florida said:

I used to love to read, but I haven't been able to focus on reading for pleasure for a while. (I also can't listen to most music -- Anything other than fairly quiet classical music makes me feel more sad.)

I do listen to audiobooks, but I have virtually no tolerance for pure escapism and can't concentrate on anything demanding. Plus, I cannot tolerate (in the sense that it throws me for an emotional spin) any story in which a child or animal is endangered or harmed. 

So, I end up just not reading very much.

I imagine you think you and I have nothing in common….  But these two posts exactly describe me.  I have a constant feeling of wanting to ‘go home’— a place that no longer exists and I also can no longer read for pleasure or escapism. It is the weirdest thing.,

 

Edited July 8, 2021 by Scarlett

[Laura Corin]

This article is only partly about solutions, but the thought patterns described helped me to understand what goes on in my brain.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/jul/04/annalisa-barbieri-it-can-be-exhausing-but-i-am-glad-that-i-am-an-overthinker

[Jenny in Florida]

6 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

This article is only partly about solutions, but the thought patterns described helped me to understand what goes on in my brain.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/jul/04/annalisa-barbieri-it-can-be-exhausing-but-i-am-glad-that-i-am-an-overthinker

So, other than the "superpower" of knowing things before they happen, this seems to describe my husband more than it does me. I am an observer, too, but in a much more intuitive way. I'm one of those people who often knows when someone is about to make a big announcement (engagement, marriage, divorce, etc.), even if I don't know them well, after spending a relatively short time with them. I also have "prophetic" dreams not infrequently. It used to freak me out when I was a kid, until I figured out that I just have one of those brains that observes situations and behaviors and then runs scenarios in the background. 

I also tend to be intentional about decisions. The joke about me was always that I couldn't make any decision until I had read three books about the options. And I can be dogged about trying to solve problems. (Thinking of things here like sourcing good quality, vegan-acceptable tap shoes for my son.) However, once a decision is made and I feel confident about it, I put it to bed and just keep rolling. And I am entirely capable of "just going with it for now" even for big stuff sometimes. (Homeschooling is a good example. We never planned on it and kind of fell into it as a "let's give it a try" thing.)

For me, the problem is not so much what I'm thinking as it is what I feel. I tell myself all the right things; I just don't believe or feel them.

[Farrar]

A friend of mine who has different issues from you, but who is also a really smart, gifted, deep thinker has had more success with a much more traditional psychotherapy approach. Most counselors now are very focused on problem solving and short term support - arming you with the tools to get to a place where you can function the way you need. I do think that's probably best for many people. But I wonder if a more intentionally long term process might be more what you need. They get criticized for allowing navel gazing and not focusing enough on solutions, but it almost sounds like that's what you need - to self-examine with support. Maybe if you have that structured support in an ongoing way, it can free you to be more at peace with how you're feeling.