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WWYD? Problems with my mom…


Joker2
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So, things have been a bit weird for a few months but I thought my mom and I had hashed things out three months ago and were moving past it all. We just had lunch together a week ago and things seemed back to normal. Then, a few days ago she called and brought it all back up and ended up hanging up on me (first time that’s happened).

She’s angry my young adult dc don’t want a relationship with her right now and somehow it’s my fault. They have valid reasons and she of course has valid reasons for being upset. But none of this is actually about me! She won’t even talk with them directly about this, she just calls me and gets angry. I was hurt months ago but this time I’m just really angry. She’s my mom and I love her but I’m ticked off that my relationship with her seems to hinge on her relationship with my kids (who are both adults now!). Has anyone else had this issue?

I don’t know what to do next?!? Do I just wait for her to contact me or do I reach out. We live less than 10 minutes away from each other. We moved here six years ago to be close to her. Is this just it? I’m not going to apologize because I have nothing to apologize for so I’m not sure how to proceed. I go back and forth on even wanting a relationship at this point but that makes me feel like an awful person. 

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The next time she brings it up you say, “They are adults. Your relationship with them is your own. If you want to make up with them, don’t yell at me, call them and apologize.  Call me when you want to talk about something else.  Bye!” 

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No advice, but I just want to say I'm sorry about the whole situation.  Your adult kids' relationships with your mom are certainly not your responsibility.  I wish your mom appreciated your commitment to her and your relationship more.  She is lucky to have you. Obviously, if she wants a relationship with her grandchildren, she needs to reach out to them and not expect you to fix things.  I think it's a normal reaction to be upset and angry after she hung up on you over this.  You are definitely not an awful person for questioning if you want to have a relationship with her when she continues to treat you this way.  

I wish I had some advice.  I was estranged from my own mom (narcissist) and have had a difficult relationship with my MIL (terrible mother and grandmother).  My kids are adults and none have relationships with my MIL now and didn't with my mother when she was alive.  

 

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Just now, Katy said:

The next time she brings it up you say, “They are adults. Your relationship with them is your own. If you want to make up with them, don’t yell at me, call them and apologize.  Call me when you want to talk about something else.  Bye!” 

Yes, this is perfect.

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I agree with the above. Telling her you won’t discuss it is setting a boundary and is normal and healthy. My mom will call me  and complain about something and won’t let it go sometimes. I have told her I would no longer discuss the issue with her anymore and she can bring it up with dh or whomever it has to do with if she wants to discuss it. Then if she brings it up I say I won’t discuss that with you bring it up with dh. If she pushes I don’t say anything or I change the subject or walk away or hang up. My mom is pretty normal most of the time but I think everyone ( even me lol) needs boundaries set sometimes. It’s easier to complain to you and have you fix it for her than to do the hard work and have conflict with your kids especially when I’m sure she knows she has hurt them. She’d rather you fix it and keep it all their or your fault. Just keep saying no. 

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Does she actually *see* your adult children as adults? Does she still view them as kids under your supervision?  I've bumped up against this a few times in my family, where the seniors still think of the grands as "kids" and under the direction of the parents. 

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I would find a neutral party. Everyone involved write a letter explaining their side of the story and submit them to the neutral party.

Set aside a couple hours. Meet with the neutral party and talk it out. Let the neutral party mediate.

IIRC you got excluded from your mom’s birthday by your sisters, right? Bc of Covid differences? Then your sisters and children started in on each other?

I’d focus on my mom and my kids. 

If your grandma was treating you the way your kids think your mom is treating them, what would you want your mom to do? 

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6 minutes ago, pinball said:

I would find a neutral party. Everyone involved write a letter explaining their side of the story and submit them to the neutral party.

Set aside a couple hours. Meet with the neutral party and talk it out. Let the neutral party mediate.

IIRC you got excluded from your mom’s birthday by your sisters, right? Bc of Covid differences? Then your sisters and children started in on each other?

I’d focus on my mom and my kids. 

If your grandma was treating you the way your kids think your mom is treating them, what would you want your mom to do? 

I would want my mom to have my back. The interesting thing is I know my mom would always take her mom/dad’s side. Part of the reason I am the way I am with my dc is because of how I ranked with my mom in regards to her parents.

This is actually really interesting for me at the moment. My mom probably thinks I’m supposed to have her back because she would have taken her parents side over me. I don’t know what to do with it but it’s definitely something to think over. 

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7 minutes ago, Joker2 said:

I would want my mom to have my back. The interesting thing is I know my mom would always take her mom/dad’s side. Part of the reason I am the way I am with my dc is because of how I ranked with my mom in regards to her parents.

This is actually really interesting for me at the moment. My mom probably thinks I’m supposed to have her back because she would have taken her parents side over me. I don’t know what to do with it but it’s definitely something to think over. 

That’s really good insight. I bet that’s true. 

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Posted (edited)

Mom, they're adults.   Talk to them.   Have some bean dip.  Eta: if they don't want to talk to her, there's a reason.   Respect it.)

 

My brother did similar with me because at a very large family event,  his dd avoided him,  but had a lot of questions for me.  Then he'd call me and whine I was estranging his dd from him.  Yeah, nothing to do with him being a narcissist. I also didn't tell him she was cogiitating filing a restraining order against him.

Edited by gardenmom5
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3 hours ago, Joker2 said:

I would want my mom to have my back. The interesting thing is I know my mom would always take her mom/dad’s side. Part of the reason I am the way I am with my dc is because of how I ranked with my mom in regards to her parents.

This is actually really interesting for me at the moment. My mom probably thinks I’m supposed to have her back because she would have taken her parents side over me. I don’t know what to do with it but it’s definitely something to think over. 

This.  My grandmother was a narcissist, and my mother always tried to please her.  And tried to convince me grandma really did love me.   Being treated badly is not love.

It permanently damaged our relationship.  My relationship with my children is very different. 

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