How did your family resolve conflict?

[LucyStoner]

My mom came from a dysfunctional, criminal (not an exaggeration - my grandmother was and other relatives are no stranger to incarceration) family.  Lots of screaming, lots of physical violence.  She survived physical violence that left her disabled- both her hearing loss and seizure disorder were attributed to head injuries and she was frequently hit, thrown against walls and once literally thrown down a flight of stairs.  She was lucky to have lived TBH. My dad came from a big, loud but generally functional Catholic family.  My parents were both loud but generally quite loving towards us kids.  There was no physical violence when I was a child between my parents or towards us kids but there was a degree of mayhem.  My mom was very intent on marrying someone who didn’t hit women and children and she was very hands off with us kids in a lot of ways.  I’ve come to realize that she was hands off because it was her way of making sure she didn’t act like her mom with us.  Both my parents were loud and tended to think arguing loudly and in front of us was healthier than it is. 

My husband come from a family where dad was mostly a drunk bully and mom was mostly a conflict avoider (almost certainly as a self protection mechanism).  
 

Early in our marriage it became clear that my husband was the sort to avoid all conflict and then explode.  We separated for the better part of the year with an eye on reconciliation and each got counseling separately and together.  Ever since then, for the most part, we have been able to discuss disagreements in a productive way and nothing simmers until it becomes a huge deal.  We have kids who have developmental disabilities and if we parented the way either of our families did, we would be completely screwed as a family.  Our sons require a large degree of patience and explicit instruction in communication and other skills.  Given our backgrounds, I’m very proud of the way we have been able to change the script for our own family.  

 

Edited July 3, 2021 by LucyStoner

[DawnM]

My mother didn't believe in boundaries, thought it was "anti-biblical" so we had to spend HOURS talking about every little conflict, and even long after it was "resolved" we had to keep bringing it up and re-hashing.   Forgive and forget wasn't a thing in my house.   

Because of that,. I tend to avoid conflict if I can, or, if it is in my face, like it was with my mom, I get angry and then walk away.