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Hugs.  I sometimes get all worked up when I am not successful getting a good night's sleep.  I cannot have a clock in my bedroom as it freaks me out on nights I can't sleep well. 

 

How much caffeine are you drinking?

Do you exercise during the day?

Get out in the daylight?

Don't eat close to going to bed.

sleepy foods or drinks   cherries, warm milk, sleepy tea

Dark room.  no lights

Get a good temp in your room

How is your mattress, sheets, and pillow?

How is your spouse?  Does he keep you up at night?

Do you have a tv in your bedroom? 

I am getting better sleep with a sound machine.  Is noise keeping you awake? 

I do a warm shower close to bed.  

How about yoga, mediation, or relaxing music? 

Don't watch tv or computer or phone close to bed. 

Lower the lights in the house close to bed time to get yourself ready for bed.

Reading a book is the best way for me to go to sleep.

Melatonin did nothing for me, but some people like it.

I started taking magnesium to help me sleep and other things and it really seems to have helped. 

Do the kids wake you up at all?

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In addition to what was said above, if it’s possible to get up and go on a really long walk outside in the sun, preferably along water on a wooded path, you should. Even if you can only  do it once a week. And by long I mean 10-12 miles, but even 30 minutes will do.

And make the book before bed a fiction book only.  Sometimes when DH says he can’t sleep I put on an audio Bible.  He’s always snoring in less than 10 minutes. 

And with your latest update, I’d make it a sad fiction book.  

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2 minutes ago, Katy said:

In addition to what was said above, if it’s possible to get up and go on a really long walk outside in the sun, preferably along water on a wooded path, you should. Even if you can only  do it once a week. And by long I mean 10-12 miles, but even 30 minutes will do.

And make the book before bed a fiction book only.  Sometimes when DH says he can’t sleep I put on an audio Bible.  He’s always snoring in less than 10 minutes. 

And with your latest update, I’d make it a sad fiction book.  

Well, it's like a bajillion degrees here in July, and if I wanted to walk anywhere that resembled a wooded path along water, then I would need to drive, which means I couldn't take the med that works.  

I am thinking of trying the "exercising in the morning" strategy again. I did it for months, on the suggestion of one of my doctors, and basically, if I woke up an hour early to exercise, the next day I could fall asleep an hour earlier.  So, it didn't actually increase total sleep.  But that was super early, since I needed to be showered and professionally dressed, and on camera at 8:00.  For much of the time I did it, I was doing it in the dark.  But it will be more like walking around an urban area until I wilt.  

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I have a couple of podcasts that I play to fall asleep to.  I have found that my brain goes to crazy places if left to wander in the quiet, so I listen to a quiet podcast, something with a soothing host and not dramatic stories .  99% invisible, History Hit and The People’s Pharmacy are my go tos.  I feel like it distracts my thoughts enough to let me sleep, otherwise I start ruminating and stress myself out.  

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One suggestion that sounds counter-intuitive, but sometimes I find that a 30-45 minute nap on the couch in the afternoon makes me more tired at bedtime than I normally am on non-nap days. Since you've got a month where your duties are lighter, maybe you could try a couple afternoon naps to see if they help you fall asleep faster for a couple nights to see if it might help "reset" your  clock. Make sure to set an alarm so you don't sleep too long.

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This is a small suggestion, but if you like to read in bed, either before going to sleep or when you wake up in the night, read something you’ve read before.  Reading something you enjoy can be soothing and distracting and if you already know what happens next it won’t keep you awake.

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1 minute ago, HeartString said:

I have a couple of podcasts that I play to fall asleep to.  I have found that my brain goes to crazy places if left to wander in the quiet, so I listen to a quiet podcast, something with a soothing host and not dramatic stories .  99% invisible, History Hit and The People’s Pharmacy are my go tos.  I feel like it distracts my thoughts enough to let me sleep, otherwise I start ruminating and stress myself out.  

For podcasts with very calming voices, try This Jungian Life. 

I actually love it as a podcast, but if I need soothing to sleep, I play an old ep and crash out 5 min later 

 

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2 minutes ago, HeartString said:

I have a couple of podcasts that I play to fall asleep to.  I have found that my brain goes to crazy places if left to wander in the quiet, so I listen to a quiet podcast, something with a soothing host and not dramatic stories .  99% invisible, History Hit and The People’s Pharmacy are my go tos.  I feel like it distracts my thoughts enough to let me sleep, otherwise I start ruminating and stress myself out.  

This is a good point. I listen to a t.v. show that I've watched a million times already to fall asleep. The conversation between the characters lulls me to sleep almost instantly, and the streaming apps will turn themselves off after an episode or two.

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So if you do not have to wake up in the morning, what happens?  No alarms, no dog to let out, no kids needing breakfast...

Do you still stay asleep? 

Could you maybe spend two weeks just sleeping whenever and wherever you can/ Your kids are old enough to be understanding of this for the time being and it sounds like you have some good support while you work on this. 

I've heard that it doesn't matter quite so much WHEN you get the recommended 7-8 hours as long as youre getting it. So when my babies were small, I was ok if I slept 6 hours at night with a 2 hour nap.

So I'd focus for a week or two on simply fixing some of the sleep debt. Toward the end of the month, I would try to tweak the sleeping so that you could have a more conventional sleep time. 

It sounds like youve been so exhasuted for so long, your adrenal/cortisol stuff is so jacked up that you may have to re-teach your body to sleep. 

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I'm so sorry you're suffering with this sleep problem!  

 I've been watching some of the videos on Dr. Tracey Marks' you tube channel lately.   Her topic today might be helpful for you:   "How to Rig Your Body Temperature for Deep Sleep".    She talks about the importance of keeping your core cool for better sleep.  It is a sponsored video so she includes info about some kind of high-tech cooling mattress or mattress cover, but she also gives alternatives like using strategically placed ice packs (with covers to protect your skin).

(I hope I haven't offended you...  I feel so sad for you because of all the emotions and stress you're dealing with right now, and when I saw your post after seeing Dr. Marks' new video today I thought maybe there's a chance that you might find something helpful. ) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9Rvel3ja1E

 

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6 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

I don't really understand what you are saying.  My kids aren't in danger, but they eat food.  They need a roof over their head.  They require health insurance.  I have to work. 

Are you getting mental health counseling? Are you and your dh seeing a marriage counselor? 

Edited to add — You might both benefit from seeing a grief counselor as well, and maybe joining a support group.

Edited by Catwoman
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2 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

So if you do not have to wake up in the morning, what happens?  No alarms, no dog to let out, no kids needing breakfast...

So, I pretty automatically wake about 5:30 a.m..  My alarm went off at 6, on workdays (last time this morning!) but I usually don't make it that late. If I take another pill, I can go back to sleep for another couple hours, but obviously I couldn't do that when working.  But if I do that, and say I sleep till 8, then I'll just be up later the next night.  

2 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Do you still stay asleep? 

Could you maybe spend two weeks just sleeping whenever and wherever you can/ Your kids are old enough to be understanding of this for the time being and it sounds like you have some good support while you work on this. 

I've heard that it doesn't matter quite so much WHEN you get the recommended 7-8 hours as long as youre getting it. So when my babies were small, I was ok if I slept 6 hours at night with a 2 hour nap.

So I'd focus for a week or two on simply fixing some of the sleep debt. Toward the end of the month, I would try to tweak the sleeping so that you could have a more conventional sleep time. 

That's the problem.  I have this enormous sleep debt.  But I don't know how to fix it, because when I manage to get one good night, then the next night is just worse.  

 

2 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

It sounds like youve been so exhasuted for so long, your adrenal/cortisol stuff is so jacked up that you may have to re-teach your body to sleep. 

 

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2 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

You said you don't have to work for the next several weeks?

Right but I need to make some headway over the next few weeks, because I can't go into my new job without having figured out a routine that gets more more than 5 - 5.5 hours of interrupted sleep.  Or I won't be able to keep the job.  

I can't push off solving the problem, because I need to be in a better shape a month from now.

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5 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Fwiw, I just spent the first week of summer break sleeping 12-14 hours a day, eating, and sitting in our hot tub (before the heatpocalypse this past weekend). The notion of a sleep vacation is not a bad one. I slept until 11am most days last week.

That sounds like what I need, but I don't know how to make it happen.  

I have the time.  My kids would be OK.  But the sleep doesn't come. 

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8 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Pilates? Weight lifting? 

I can try those things.  

To be honest, before this, I had a lifestyle where I did a lot of lifting and moving at work, and just in our day to day parenting routines, so I didn't really have a form of exercise that worked, so I need to figure out what works for me. 

8 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

 

I used to work out at 5:30 am when I needed to get to bed by 8pm. 
 

Do hard workouts help with stress for you? Like what DOES work? And if you don’t know, try some new things?

That's what I'm looking for, suggestions on what to try. 

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Just now, BaseballandHockey said:

I'm not going to talk about DH, but I'm getting some support. 

Yes, you mentioned that, and I’m sure we all understand that you need your privacy. 

I’m glad to hear you’re getting some support. 

Is there any way you could do a sleep study?

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12 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

Oh without a doubt.  I feel like I spent too long with every muscle in my body tensed as I watched for crises and now it won't let go.  Plus, I have pretty strong associations with bed and both missing my son, since I spent so much time lying beside him, and with the fact that trauma always came at night. 

I think I do need to find better exercise.  It won't be yoga though.  

Tai chi? 

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1 minute ago, happysmileylady said:

Mama.....

 

Take a deep breath....

 

You can.

 

 

specifically because doing so could very well be what you need to BE in better shape 4 weeks from now. 

 

I am in the midst of this with you.  Different loss, but I know what's going on.  Just feel the loss.   Forget the "should be"  You have a great luxury of time and support so use it....just take this time to feel the emotions.  Let the rest do it's job

I just wanted to say how incredibly kind you are to be so helpful, because you are going through so much yourself, yet you still find the time to try to help others. It’s just amazing. 

Sending you many healing hugs.

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2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Yes, you mentioned that, and I’m sure we all understand that you need your privacy. 

I’m glad to hear you’re getting some support. 

Is there any way you could do a sleep study?

What would a sleep study reveal?  I've been through a bunch with my kid.  I know how they work, but it seems pretty clear that what's happening to me is PTSD and not something like sleep apnea. 

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4 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Mama.....

 

Take a deep breath....

 

You can.

 

 

specifically because doing so could very well be what you need to BE in better shape 4 weeks from now. 

 

I am in the midst of this with you.  Different loss, but I know what's going on.  Just feel the loss.   Forget the "should be"  You have a great luxury of time and support so use it....just take this time to feel the emotions.  Let the rest do it's job

I'm sorry I know I sound like I'm arguing.  I just don't even know what you're suggesting, and I'm desperate and you seem like maybe you have something that's working.  

Are you suggesting I just give up and keep waking up at 5 something or 6, and wandering around exhausted all day and then crying myself to sleep?  I feel like if that was what I needed, I would be seeing improvement.  

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3 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I just wanted to say how incredibly kind you are to be so helpful, because you are going through so much yourself, yet you still find the time to try to help others. It’s just amazing. 

Sending you many healing hugs.

I also really appreciate her kindness.  Thank you!

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3 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

What would a sleep study reveal?  I've been through a bunch with my kid.  I know how they work, but it seems pretty clear that what's happening to me is PTSD and not something like sleep apnea. 

Honestly, if it truly is PTSD, this whole thread may be beyond most of our pay grades. If you haven’t already, you may want to address this with mental health professionals. 

I would hate to think that any of us might suggest anything that would make things worse for you.

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