I can't believe I am asking this, but need some help with how to deal with a person

[DawnM]

Back to the relative in TN.   I have found out that not only are drugs involved, but a horrible boyfriend is involved too.

She denied both.   I finally caught the lie about the boyfriend in a way that I could confront her without being confrontational.   He posted on his FB page that he was engaged to her.    This is a guy who has been in and out of jail for cooking meth, dealing meth, and using meth.   This is also the guy who she told me (she never said his name) stole her bank account, her info, and her identity, and left her in stranded in another state while they were on vacation because he is despicable.

this boyfriend is also the reason her relatives have kicked her out.   She kept sneaking him in to her dad and sister's homes when she was living with them and they told her "No more Tim or you can't stay here" but she wouldn't keep him away. (not his real name)

She has been homeless, living in her car, living in a broken down trailer, etc....

And I am finding out she lost her last job years ago because she tested positive for drugs.   

She wants to talk to me again and I am just too tired dealing with all the other stresses going on in my life.   Do I tell her I too cannot help her in anyway unless she gets help?   Or do I just not respond at all?

Edited June 27, 2021 by DawnM

[HomeAgain]

I think you should talk to someone at AlAnon or a similar organization.  She has an addiction.  There are mental health issues that both led to that addition and are stemming from it.

Even though you're not in the area, an organization focused on addiction and the effect it has on families will help you determine a best course of action, maintaining empathy while setting boundaries.

 

Edit: I haven't had enough coffee yet and can't determine if that word should be effect or affect.  Please substitute the appropriate one in your head.

Edited June 27, 2021 by HomeAgain

[regentrude]

You're overloaded and have a lot on your plate, so I would not respond at all. It's not going to make any difference if you tell her to get clean before you can help. Deep inside she knows. You can’t make her be ready for that. 

If you have the mental energy, send a brief note "sorry, can’t ", then disengage from the relationship. There's nothing you can do. 

[DawnM]

6 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

I think you should talk to someone at AlAnon or a similar organization.  She has an addiction.  There are mental health issues that both led to that addition and are stemming from it.

Even though you're not in the area, an organization focused on addiction and the effect it has on families will help you determine a best course of action, maintaining empathy while setting boundaries.

I simply cannot add one more thing to my plate.   If anyone has ideas online, I am open, but having to go to yet another agency or organization or group or whatever is more than I can handle right now.

6 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

 

Edit: I haven't had enough coffee yet and can't determine if that word should be effect or affect.  Please substitute the appropriate one in your head.

HA!   I get it.   Enjoy your coffee.

[TravelingChris]

I am not really sure what you could do help.  If I talked with her, I would have a list of homeless shelters in the area to give her,  But she seems like she is bound and determined to go down a wrong path.

[DawnM]

Just now, regentrude said:

You're overloaded and have a lot on your plate, so I would not respond at all. It's not going to make any difference if you tell her to get clean before you can help. Deep inside she knows. You can’t make her be ready for that. 

If you have the mental energy, send a brief note "sorry, can’t ", then disengage from the relationship. There's nothing you can do. 

Thank you.   Maybe I just needed some release from the situation in my head.   It is in my nature to want to help, but I need to realize there are some things I simply cannot help with.

[DawnM]

Just now, TravelingChris said:

I am not really sure what you could do help.  If I talked with her, I would have a list of homeless shelters in the area to give her,  But she seems like she is bound and determined to go down a wrong path.

I have given her those in the past.  I am now realizing the reason none of them were "available" may very well be because they wouldn't take her and her boyfriend.

[ScoutTN]

I would not respond. 

[TravelingChris]

Very gently, I think you have a rescuing personality but right now your hands a re full and you really need to make sure you are caring for yourself.  Stress kills.  And I agree with Regentrude, just let her go.  

[DawnM]

9 minutes ago, TravelingChris said:

Very gently, I think you have a rescuing personality but right now your hands a re full and you really need to make sure you are caring for yourself.  Stress kills.  And I agree with Regentrude, just let her go.  

I do, and I enjoy it most in my actual job, where I can leave it there and come home, but my home is not a sanctuary right now, even though I truly would not change having my dad here or our foster (soon to be adopted) son here.

But when I am honest about why it isn't a sanctuary, it is more because of the foster son's mother and the stress of her and upcoming trial, etc.....

[Katy]

She doesn’t want help. She wants someone to enable her to keep doing hard drugs & stay with her creepy boyfriend while not demanding she take any responsibility for her life. 

Don’t respond.

[fairfarmhand]

It agree with pps. Don’t responds. You have enough to handle right nowz

[Ausmumof3]

If you need any added reason not to do anything just think about what the potential impact on your foster kid of taking this person into your life might be.  Now really is not the time.

[history-fan]

One option if you choose to respond is to start the conversation with she needs to go to detox or an er room to get help. When she is in a treatment program and allowed to call, you may be able to talk then. End of conversation.

[DawnM]

8 minutes ago, history-fan said:

One option if you choose to respond is to start the conversation with she needs to go to detox or an er room to get help. When she is in a treatment program and allowed to call, you may be able to talk then. End of conversation.

she will just continue to tell me she doesn't need it because she isn't on drugs.   I have now caught her in so many lies.

However, that IS what I will say in court about our foster son's situation.   Get into a residential treatment program and MAYBE you will have some update via email.   Otherwise, you get nothing.

Edited June 27, 2021 by DawnM

[history-fan]

What I mean by end of conversation is say good bye and hang up. Don’t give her a chance to tell you the lies.

Edited June 27, 2021 by history-fan

[Farrar]

Agreeing with everyone else. Don't do it.

I like a clear break, so I would personally say something like, "I can't continue to help you. I hope you find the support you need, but I'm not going to responding again." And then I genuinely wouldn't. Don't read any messages, don't pick up the phone.

[LucyStoner]

Addiction is hard to deal with but it’s important to know that there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that will make someone get any help unless they are ready to do it.  It’s ok to have contact with an addict if you have the emotional bandwidth to do so and can maintain boundaries/maintain a realistic sense of how this person’s life is and will likely remain.  It’s not your job to take care of this person.  It’s completely ok to decide that you can’t have contact. It’s completely ok to decide that you don’t want to have any contact.  I have some relatives whose addictions are such that we can still maintain some type of relationship- I don’t believe bs and I don’t have unrealistic expectations.  I also have some relatives, most painfully my older brother, whose addictions make it impossible to safely have much contact because his behavior is dangerous and he’s just not a safe person for me to expose my kids to.  I am hopeful that someday that will change but I’m not that optimistic that it will.    

It doesn’t sound like contact with this person is beneficial to you and the caregiving load you are already carrying.  

Edited June 27, 2021 by LucyStoner

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, regentrude said:

You're overloaded and have a lot on your plate, so I would not respond at all. It's not going to make any difference if you tell her to get clean before you can help. Deep inside she knows. You can’t make her be ready for that. 

If you have the mental energy, send a brief note "sorry, can’t ", then disengage from the relationship. There's nothing you can do. 

I agree with Regentrude and everyone else who has said you should back away from her. She’s not looking for help. She is looking for support and commiseration. You have tried to give her those things, and have been rewarded with more lies and more excuses and more reasons to worry about her.

She sounds extremely self-destructive. Don’t let her drag you down with her. There is nothing you can do to give her story a happy ending, so spend your time working on your own happy ending. It’s not selfish to cut her out of your life so you can focus on the people who actually need you and love you and appreciate you. 

You did what you could for her. That’s more than enough. If you want some closure, send her an email telling her you’re sorry and you wish her all the best, but you have too much going on in your life right now, and you won’t have time to respond to her any more. And then stop reading her messages and if she has your number, don’t answer her calls. 

Do it for yourself, and do it for the family who loves you. She doesn’t love you; she uses you. 

[gardenmom5]

5 hours ago, DawnM said:

 

She wants to talk to me again and I am just too tired dealing with all the other stresses going on in my life.   Do I tell her I too cannot help her in anyway unless she gets help?   Or do I just not respond at all?

I'd let her know, when she dumps him and is in rehab, you'll be able to talk to her.  (maybe have a list of rehab places available as "suggestions".)  Until she does, she needs to know there is nothing you can do to help her.  Including not listening to her whine.  (though asking "why is that?"  "what are you going to do to change that?"  "how are you going to prevent that happening again?" every. single. whine./thing. she complains about - will probably make her not want to talk to you.  it might also be a voice in her head that she has the power to change things.

  (anything you actively do, would be enabling, but I doubt telling her that would be constructive.)

Edited June 27, 2021 by gardenmom5

[El...]

I think I'd respond by text, once. Something like, "Oh hi, xxxx, I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much. I'm swamped dealing with some things myself, so I'm not as available to chat. I hope something good comes together for you." 

And then don't respond again for six months, because you really are well and truly otherwise engaged. You can't offer anything that will help her right now. 

[Shoeless]

I wouldn't respond. You aren't abandoning her. ❤️

[Melissa in Australia]

I wouldn't respond at all. 

[sassenach]

If it were me, I would just stop responding. Any response is going to feed the monster in one way or another. 

[Spryte]

3 hours ago, elroisees said:

I think I'd respond by text, once. Something like, "Oh hi, xxxx, I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much. I'm swamped dealing with some things myself, so I'm not as available to chat. I hope something good comes together for you." 

And then don't respond again for six months, because you really are well and truly otherwise engaged. You can't offer anything that will help her right now. 

I would do something like this, as well.  Acknowledge that she reached out, tell her honestly that you’re unable to help, and then after that no need to respond.

I understand people just not responding at all, I just prefer to state it upfront.