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Asking to stay with someone?


Janeway
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My grandma has invited us to visit her. She keeps asking. She pays a fair amount to live at my aunt's house and has her own apartment. I also found out that she paid for half the house too, AND pays rent on top of that. The rent is $2000 a month. When she dies, the house will just be my aunt's house to keep. I don't think driving Grandma places justifies the $2000 a month rent. I drove my dad everywhere and never asked for a penny in payment. Doesn't matter, but all this is backstory.

Grandma wants me to visit and stay with her. I want to go too. But I feel horrible asking my aunt. My aunt is not a mean person. But I feel like a heel asking to stay with anyone. Grandma has a three bedroom apartment in a separate part of the house, but not a separate entry way. My aunt knows she has asked so I finally just said to her "I won't feel comfortable asking to come stay, but if you invite, I would be sure to say yes." And my aunt said "we are always so busy here. I am not going to ask but would be happy to have you, you just need to let me know when so I can re-arrange my schedule." Ugh. 

Should I just suck it up and ask?

 

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4 minutes ago, Janeway said:

My grandma has invited us to visit her. She keeps asking. She pays a fair amount to live at my aunt's house and has her own apartment. I also found out that she paid for half the house too, AND pays rent on top of that. The rent is $2000 a month. When she dies, the house will just be my aunt's house to keep. I don't think driving Grandma places justifies the $2000 a month rent. I drove my dad everywhere and never asked for a penny in payment. Doesn't matter, but all this is backstory.

Grandma wants me to visit and stay with her. I want to go too. But I feel horrible asking my aunt. My aunt is not a mean person. But I feel like a heel asking to stay with anyone. Grandma has a three bedroom apartment in a separate part of the house, but not a separate entry way. My aunt knows she has asked so I finally just said to her "I won't feel comfortable asking to come stay, but if you invite, I would be sure to say yes." And my aunt said "we are always so busy here. I am not going to ask but would be happy to have you, you just need to let me know when so I can re-arrange my schedule." Ugh. 

Should I just suck it up and ask?

 

No

that sounds much too convoluted for my comfort level

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Seems to me that you don't need your aunt's permission. Grandma is not living in your Aunt's house, Grandma is renting rooms from her. So as long as the plan is for you to stay in Grandma's part of the house and Grandma has invited you I see no problem.

Susan in TX

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I vote yes. 

"Hey, aunt, grandma has been asking for me to come visit and for me to stay with her. I'd love to do this, but I recognize that it's your home as well and wanted to make sure that was actually okay with you. If not, please just say so and I'll look for another way to visit. If it is okay, I want to make sure the logistics work for you as well as grandma."

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Yes, absolutely.

Your grandmother has invited you to visit and stay with her. She has a separate apartment. If her landlady were a stranger, you wouldn't even think of asking their permission to stay with your grandmother.

"Hey aunt Sally, grandma has invited me to stay with her. I'd like to come xyz dates. Just want to make sure that this would be ok with you"
 

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1 hour ago, Janeway said:

My grandma has invited us to visit her. She keeps asking. She pays a fair amount to live at my aunt's house and has her own apartment. I also found out that she paid for half the house too, AND pays rent on top of that. The rent is $2000 a month. When she dies, the house will just be my aunt's house to keep. I don't think driving Grandma places justifies the $2000 a month rent. I drove my dad everywhere and never asked for a penny in payment. Doesn't matter, but all this is backstory.

Grandma wants me to visit and stay with her. I want to go too. But I feel horrible asking my aunt. My aunt is not a mean person. But I feel like a heel asking to stay with anyone. Grandma has a three bedroom apartment in a separate part of the house, but not a separate entry way. My aunt knows she has asked so I finally just said to her "I won't feel comfortable asking to come stay, but if you invite, I would be sure to say yes." And my aunt said "we are always so busy here. I am not going to ask but would be happy to have you, you just need to let me know when so I can re-arrange my schedule." Ugh. 

Should I just suck it up and ask?

 

 

I'm not quite following what the back story has to do with the front story. You're not staying with aunt, but with grandma? So the issue amounts to you'll be traipsing through the common entry?  If anything the driving-grandma-around duties will be *less* when you're there?

Anyway, concur with pp - just give both of them a couple of dates that work for you, and see if one works better than the other for the both of them. 

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Just give the dates you are available to travel to your grandmother and ask her if those dates work for the household.  You really are turning this into more than it needs to be.  My parents live with me.  If they want someone to stay with us they invite them, figure out some dates that work for the both of them, and then come to me with those dates asking which of them works for us.  And they don't even have their own separate apartment, just a room in our house. 

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1 hour ago, regentrude said:

Yes, absolutely.

Your grandmother has invited you to visit and stay with her. She has a separate apartment. If her landlady were a stranger, you wouldn't even think of asking their permission to stay with your grandmother.

"Hey aunt Sally, grandma has invited me to stay with her. I'd like to come xyz dates. Just want to make sure that this would be ok with you"
 

This. Absolutely you should go. Time on this earth is finite. Go. ♥️ 

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Agree with those who say to go. IMO, you aren't asking to stay with someone. You have been invited by a co-owner of the house to come stay and you're just confirming the best time to go. 

And, why would your aunt need to rearrange her schedule so you could stay with your grandma? I'm not getting that part. If you won't have much to do with your aunt, then she doesn't even need to be in on the plans other than a "grandma asked me to visit and we came up with these dates, just to let you know". That sort of thing.

If the visit does mean it will put your aunt out a bit, then I would simply say that "grandma has asked me to come visit and I'm thinking of these dates--- which time works best for you". Your grandma won't be around forever and she is ASKING to see you. She keeps asking. GO SEE HER. If anyone should feel bad, it's your aunt.

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Why does your aunt need to rearrange her schedule? That part kind of puzzles me.
I’d go, and try not to cause aunt any additional work. For instance offer to cook the family dinners while you are there if you plan to eat with them. 

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With that set up, I'd have no problem just going and let aunt know as a courtesy.  I agree with just not having expectations for aunt.  

$2000 is the going rate on a nice 2 bedroom in our area, so that actually doesn't seem like a stretch to me.  Especially if there is driving and other care giving involved.  A month of standard not fancy assisted living in our area is around $3500 a month.  

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I agree, give her a few dates from which to choose, and just go.

I’m not sure what the rent issue is?  Do you feel your grandmother is being financially abused, taken advantage of, or just reminding yourself that your grandma contributes to the household so she can have guests?  I might be reminding myself of that, so I get that last one!  If you think there is something wrong with the scenario, like this is financial elder abuse, that’s another story. I mean, if you’re worried - ask questions and address the worry, but honestly, if all is well … I’d just be happy that your grandma is in a safe space, getting care and love.  Hopefully if you go visit, you can assess and put your mind at rest.  

For the sake of comparison, around here a subsidized, low income housing senior apartment, one bedroom, unsafe area of town (don’t ask how I know it’s unsafe, just take my word for it) with zero amenities is $1250 a month.  Residents have to figure out assistance on their own, rides, groceries, cooking, and utilities, cable, phone. And of course have to be very low income to qualify. A nicer, mid-range one bedroom “independent” senior apartment is $3500, with any extras added on top.  Medication management is an extra $800 per month, rides out and about to doc appts are extras.  Assisted living starts at $4500.  My ILs pay just under $18K per month at this point, due to their needs.  

I don’t know where your grandmother lives, but maybe the above will give you some peace re: her finances.  I have no idea what a 3 bedroom would run, we only ever looked at 1 bedrooms, but it’s a start for getting perspective.

Having an elder live in one’s home is so much work.  Your aunt probably does things for your grandma all day, every day. It’s kind of her.  I support my elder mother, and do all of her care.  It’s exhausting, and there’s never a break. Maybe you could offer respite, while you are there, if your aunt would like the chance to get away for a night or two?  I would just about cry in gratitude, if someone offered that to me.  😊

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Just pick some dates to offer as options, maybe do then in order of your preference and then go from there. You have been invited, you just need to offer up some times that work for you. If only one set of dates work, then just offer the one set. 

How I read you aunts situation is this. She is busy. She doesn't want to sit down and figure out what weeks work best for her, because she will always be busy. Why should *she* look through her calendar to find dates for *your* vacation to see your grandma. I don't mean that in a snotty way, just a practical way. BUT...if you say "I would like to visit the first week of July or August, Sunday to Thursday. Do either of those times work for you?". Then she will take time to look at her schedule and make sure she can accommodate you. She doesn't need to be there, but she may want to see you too.  She may also want to take a vacation or long weekend while you are there, to keep an eye on grandma! 

You already have been given the green light...you just need to choose to go through it! Don't get caught up in the details. Go see your grandma otherwise, you will regret it. 

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10 hours ago, Janeway said:

My grandma has invited us to visit her. She keeps asking. She pays a fair amount to live at my aunt's house and has her own apartment. I also found out that she paid for half the house too, AND pays rent on top of that. The rent is $2000 a month. When she dies, the house will just be my aunt's house to keep. I don't think driving Grandma places justifies the $2000 a month rent. I drove my dad everywhere and never asked for a penny in payment. Doesn't matter, but all this is backstory.

Grandma wants me to visit and stay with her. I want to go too. But I feel horrible asking my aunt. My aunt is not a mean person. But I feel like a heel asking to stay with anyone. Grandma has a three bedroom apartment in a separate part of the house, but not a separate entry way. My aunt knows she has asked so I finally just said to her "I won't feel comfortable asking to come stay, but if you invite, I would be sure to say yes." And my aunt said "we are always so busy here. I am not going to ask but would be happy to have you, you just need to let me know when so I can re-arrange my schedule." Ugh. 

Should I just suck it up and ask?

 

This feels like such an odd answer to me! I can't quite figure out what to make of it.  Does she feel like it is an imposition of you for her to ask you to come? When my brother began caring for my parents, part of the deal I offered--and he gladly took me up on--was that I would come help with my parents so that his family could take vacations. 

Maybe when you call with a choice of dates, you could let her know that you don't expect her to rearrange her schedule, in fact, you are happy to temporarily lend a hand with grandma to the best of your ability, and maybe she could use that time as a respite for herself. If she'd like to do some fun things, you're glad to have her join you and grandma, but you don't expect it, and so on...

 

 

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You have been properly invited.  Telling your aunt when you'll be there would be a reasonable courtesy.  Don't get hung up over the shared doorway.  When someone is renting rooms, they get to use the door, and their guests do too.

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I would like to just throw this out there and say what you will but this is a RED FLAG. I'm not accusing anyone of anything, or even implying nefarious activity but there are many people who take care of the elderly and feel entitled to more than the person initially felt like giving. I would suspect that if a person doesn't want you to be left alone with Grandma, there is a reason.

As for the rent money, it certainly sounds fair, except she already paid for half the house, right? That's a heft addition to their IRS bill I would think- I hop they claim it, although there are also tax benefits to remodeling for an elderly relative to be able to move in also. Just making observations...

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