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Those of you who have been through divorce….


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(PLEASE DON'T QUOTE. I MAY DELETE OR EDIT.)Anyone care to tell me when the crying until you dry heave stops? 
We were doing better, or so I thought. I thought we were going to “work on some things” last night. Wrong! Two days before our anniversary, and he pulls this cr@p. I haven’t slept yet. Spent all night pacing hoping it would wear me out. My body will eventually let me sleep, right? Right?

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I don't know but I finally figured out that allowing someone to get in my mind was giving them power over me. So if he's sleeping great and you're not, then there you go. You're going to get through it.

My mother ate ice cream every night when she divorced. Probably better not to do that. 

 

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I would like to give you a big hug too.  I am so sorry.  I lost 20 pounds in a month.  It was horrible.  It is almost the worst thing I have ever gone through. But it does eventually get better.  
 

pm me if you want.  Having someone to talk to helps. 

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((((I talk to the trees))))

I want you to know that you're not alone. I have a friend on his second marriage w/ two kids under 11 who he totally adores -- and the wife just told him last month that she wants a divorce. He seems absolutely leveled by this.

He's living in his own rental now close to the kids.

I'm so, so sorry.

I have another friend who's 2 year old was diagnosed w/ leukemia -- he's fine today -- but people would say to her, "I don't know how you did it." She's like, "well you put one foot in front of the other. What else is there to do?"

But of course she grieved big time. It was five years of treatment and she grieved for her "normal life."

Grieving is a full-time job.

It sure doesn't feel like it now, but you're going to get through this.

Hang in there.

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It is hard.   My advice....buy the puffs with lotion.   Seriously.  They are worth it.  It sucks and it is hard.

Time does help but that isn't much encouragement right now.

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11 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Crying lessens soon after the anger kicks in. 

Some time after that, you start orienting yourself away from him and towards undefined potential.

Hugs to you.

This is good stuff.

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Oh man. I'm so sorry. 

My situation was different to yours, but weeks of crying, not being able to eat etc is not uncommon. It's a major shock and akin, in some ways, to a bereavement. 

Be gentle with yourself. Don't hesitate to speak to your doctor about a temporary sleeping aid. There are some natural remedies that can help, also. 

Your body is going through a prolonged surge of adrenaline, and then the associated fatigue that comes afterward. Treat yourself as you would anyone else who was in shock. 

Big hugs. 

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Yes, you will crash eventually when the adrenaline wears off.

I will have been divorced 10 years this August. I have since remarried and current dh and I have the best relationship I've ever had with anyone. But there are still parts of my divorce and first marriage that rear their ugly head and send me to tears. Current dh is amazing and just lets me cry it out in his arms. Find a sympathetic ear who will let you lean on their shoulder.

I will always carry the scars of my past with me, I have no choice, but things do improve. You will find happiness again whether it be a new relationship, new found freedom you didn't know you needed, strength you never knew you had or just peace with your new normal. Or a combination of them all.

Do consider talking to your doctor about sleep aids and mental health. A therapist who can help you sort through your feelings about this new chapter in your life can be a life saver as well.(((hugs)))

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I'm so sorry.  I agree with the good lawyer, getting angry, when it's right for you, the occasionally coming back to bite you in the ass unexpectedly, and the tissues with lotion.  It does get better.  When that is will be different for everyone.   Joint custody can make it harder, but having someone who needs you (kids) can also keep you putting that one foot in front of the other.  Someday it will get better.

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Posted (edited)

I know I should start calling lawyers, but he keeps saying he isn’t in any rush, just happy to be living in the country instead of with me. (Recall that I asked him to not come back to the house after he attended a convention in March 2020 because 1- Dd was ding college from home her junior year, and said that living with the two of us would be unbearable to her. And 2-I knew I couldn’t trust his parents - the faith not fear naturists- to take Covid precautions seriously and with the contact he had with themI was genuinely terrified of getting sick. ) Anyway, now he’s saying he doesn’t want to act on anything until after dd graduates next spring, but how do I trust that? But if I go out and get an attorney now, he will probably use that as an excuse to make me look crazy aggressive and blame me for “ruining” DD’s senior year. I can’t win. He holds all the cards. I'm the bad guy for trying to protect my daughter, but he'll make it look like I am trying to spoil everything for her. 
 

And my whole body aches. I hate this! 

Edited by I talk to the trees
Corrected “naturalist” to NATURIST because there's a big difference, and that has been part of this past year's crazy-making!
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4 minutes ago, Wheres Toto said:

I'm so sorry.  I agree with the good lawyer, getting angry, when it's right for you, the occasionally coming back to bite you in the ass unexpectedly, and the tissues with lotion.  It does get better.  When that is will be different for everyone.   Joint custody can make it harder, but having someone who needs you (kids) can also keep you putting that one foot in front of the other.  Someday it will get better.

Thankfully, dd is in college and if all goes well, and the Covid cases don’t surge again, she should have a sort of normal senior year on campus. Everyone is saying to get a lawyer, but what if that backfires and he really is serious about just waiting until dd has graduated? I don’t want to be the aggressive b1tch who ruins the only normal college year dd will have. 

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You can quietly talk to a lawyer about ways to cover yourself and keep yourself safe without filing any papers.    Do what you can to get your finances in a good place, make sure you know what all your accounts look like so if he starts filtering away money, make sure you have important papers available.  

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I would still talk to a lawyer. You don't have to tell him you have spoken to one. The lawyer will talk with you about what your options are, how to protect you assets, etc. They won't file anything until you say to file. 

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Just now, Wheres Toto said:

You can quietly talk to a lawyer about ways to cover yourself and keep yourself safe without filing any papers.    Do what you can to get your finances in a good place, make sure you know what all your accounts look like so if he starts filtering away money, make sure you have important papers available.  

He has literally no clue how much money we have. It has never really been important to him, and he has been content to let me run the finances. I think he really does trust me, but what if that is just an act? I don’t know what to think or believe. All I want is to get through this and not have it affect dd. That’s not possible, I know. But I feel so guilty, like everything is totally my fault, and I am ruining my only child's life because of whatever I did to make him so angry. 
 

Sheesh! I’m babbling, but at least my eyes are dry for the first time all day!

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He is going to make you look bad and feel terrible no matter what you do. Get the lawyer. Keep it quiet--speaking to a lawyer does not necessarily mean blowing everything up. You stand to lose a lot by not protecting yourself now. Get the lawyer.

And more warm hugs, because this whole thing really sucks. I'm so sorry.

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Don't let him make you think it's all your fault (BTDT), a grown man doesn't stomp his feet, take his ball and go away if something makes him angry.  He discusses it like an adult and tries to work together on making things better.  You are not ruining your child's life.  My daughter was 8 when I divorced and she's told me often since that she was glad when it happened because she was aware of the tension and discord even when we tried to not have it affect her.   

Be careful that he isn't trying to make you feel so guilty that you give in on everything he wants.  

I'm glad that you are well informed about your financial situation.  Protect yourself.  Do what you need to do to protect yourself.  Don't let him guilt you into doing things that go against your own interests.  

I know we're all giving you a list of things to do.  It is okay to take a few days to adjust to the shock first.  If you journal, writing out your feelings may help.  Even if you write them out and then shred or burn the pages.   Just getting it out can be helpful.  

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Sending hugs.

Yes, a divorce will affect your daughter, but it will likely not ruin her life.   It also affects her if her parents are not happily married. 

My parents divorced when I was 4.  My mom and step-dad almost divorced several times through the years.  Yes, it affected me, but yes, I am ok. 

I'm not advocating for divorce, or saying that it's easy; I'm just reminding you that you don't need to factor in how your daughter will be affected. 

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12 minutes ago, I talk to the trees said:

 But I feel so guilty, like everything is totally my fault, and I am ruining my only child's life because of whatever I did to make him so angry. 

Don't do his dirty work for him. ❤️

You're not to blame for him not being younger, richer, healthier than Reality has allowed him, or whatever his real issue is.

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My ex was the same way, I ran the finances despite many many many attempts to get him involved. Do protect yourself financially. If you don't already have one, get a bank account in your name only. Squirrel away as much as you can. In most states, you are entitled to 50% of what is in a joint account. Check with a lawyer about the laws in your state. If no papers have been filed yet, then it doesn't matter what you do with the money in the joint accounts. Honestly I spent weeks prior to our split siphoning money a little at a time into my personal account because I knew even though he wanted nothing to do with finances while we were married, as soon as the sh*t hit the fan, he would try to control me by restricting my access to the joint account and I was right. He did exactly that. And boy was he mad when that didn't work because I had thought ahead and made sure I had at least some money squirreled away. Especially when he found out I was 100% legal in doing so.  😉 

Honestly, if he is the type to blame you for everything, he is going to find a way to do it regardless. Do what you need to do to protect yourself. No one can fault you for that. Do not worry about what he thinks or what he will do. If he is the crazy making type, don't let him drag you down with his crazy. Been there. Done that.

Is your daughter still a minor? If not, the courts won't care one bit about the affects of divorce on her. Even if she is still living with one of you. If she is still a minor but she is within a year or two of 18 (which it sounds like she is if she isn't already over 18), the courts will not believe claims that you are "ruining her life". Divorce doesn't ruin children's lives, crazy making does.

My parents divorced during my senior year of high school. Yes it sucked and they were way more focused on themselves than me which made it all the easier for me to make some less than stellar choices. I missed out on some things because of their divorce, sure, but I wouldn't say it ruined my life. Made it more difficult for a time, but definitely didn't ruin my life.

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Agreed with the others, lawyer, start to separate finances as you can. 

Remember you are a strong and capable woman, that you will get through this, and you have not ruined anyone's life. 

Divorcing is a bit like buying a house. It may seem totally simple at once, but once all the paperwork starts, there are bound to be a few hiccups, a few he-said/she-said. Again, just like when buying a house, it's a good idea to have realtors who are not as emotionally invested do the negotiation, it is prudent to have a good laywer. 

Remind yourself daily that you can and will survive and even thrive, lie until you believe it. Find a friend to cry to/cry with, one who won't judge you later. 

Buy yourself something that makes you feel good about yourself - whether its ice cream, shoes, or a new hat. 

I'm sorry you're here, but it will get better. 

 

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I am so sorry.  IME, divorce is hard--there is grief that you would experience from a death, but there is not as much support and you still have to deal with the other person.  Ambiguity can make it worse.  You do not know exactly where things stand and aren't quite in a position to move on.  I did not have children when I divorced and we were young without much in accumulated assets or other things to untangle,  But, I was in the situation of exH saying "I want a divorce, but not quickly...but maybe, or maybe not..."  I spent days crying and sleepless nights pacing the floor.  I remember watching the hands on the clock waiting until it was far enough past dawn to call a friend just to talk.  He saw an attorney and was going to file for divorce, then didn't, then finally did, then cancelled the court date, on and on.  At first I was not wanting a divorce and was just willing to ride it out to see if this was a phase, but finally I got to the point I was ready to move on with my life, filed myself although it felt like I was doing it all for him just to be done with it.  If I had it to do over again, I would have made that decision much more quickly (although if a child were involved it might be different.)

 

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If you don't already have an individual checking account, get one tomorrow. If you have income of your own, start putting it in the individual account. If not, start moving money however you can — if you share a checking account and your husband checks the expenses and balance, then you may have to do it a little at a time by getting cash back every time you make a purchase, add a reloadable VISA to every grocery and Target run, etc. Keep paying household expenses out of the joint account and don't touch the individual account except for lawyer fees. If you think you don't need to do these things because your husband would never get nasty about money, do it anyway. Trust me.

Do as much research as you can online about your state's divorce laws, and make a list of specific questions you want to ask a lawyer. Then find a good lawyer and pay for a short consultation to get those questions answered and make sure you understand what your options are, what you're entitled to, and how the process will work. You don't need to draw up any papers or let your husband know you're talking to a lawyer at all — pay for it out of your individual account. The few hundred dollars I paid for a 1 hour consultation was well worth it, because it enabled me to get all my ducks in a row before I even talked to my now-ex about the terms of the divorce.

Find yourself a good therapist, even if all you do is just sit in her office once a week and cry your eyes out. (And the sessions get paid for from the joint account.)

The fact that your DD is a college senior and you won't have to deal with custody issues will make this 1000 times easier than if there were young children involved, and  it actually gives your husband less leverage and much less power over you. As devastating as it seems right now, you and your DD will be fine, no one's life has been ruined.

I know that right now it feels like you've been driving down a road for many years assuming you knew where you were going, and now it suddenly feels like the road came to an abrupt end at the edge of a cliff and you can't imagine what's on the other side or even how you'll get there. But you will get to the other side, and although the rest of the road will not be what you expected, it may turn out better than you imagined. 

Sending you lots of hugs and strength and peace. It will get better.

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Big hugs. I'm sorry.

I have no personal experience, but I've read enough threads over the years and the overwhelming majority always say get your ducks and finances in a row and get a lawyer. Don't wait for him to make all the decisions about when, where, and how. He's not on "your side" anymore, so do what you have to do to protect you. If that means that you go ahead and file so that you can get it over and done with sooner so that you can move on with your life and get out of limbo hell, then do that.
 

Your DD will be fine - yes she will feel hurt, but she'll feel hurt no matter how old or what stage of life she is in. If she thought that living with you two together would be unbearable, she might even feel relief.

 

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YOU are not the one ruining your daughter’s year.   YOU need to talk to a lawyer so you don’t get played through manipulation or ignorance.  It is really easy to get screwed.  In this area it is not a justice system but a legal system.  Don’t be confused and don’t get played.  

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I would start with a therapist and go from there. I didn't go for long, but it was a place for me to start the thinking process of why I wanted to divorce dh and if the divorce would help me accomplish my goal, which was to have more peace/less resentment in my life. I didn't want to go into a divorce with rose-colored glasses. I know you are not the one starting the process, but you may find some strength in therapy that you find beneficial.

I asked dh for a divorce and we used a mediator for the legal proceedings (not separate attorneys). Even though I was the one who wanted out, I was completely honest about being ok to let it progress at a slow rate and to let him process the divorce as it made sense to him. We first talked about it in 2017, and we still lived together until this past fall. He started therapy for a short while after I first brought it up in 2017. It was very beneficial for him. He was similar to you...thought things were fine, but I was definitely not ok.  I wanted to give him time to catch up so he could be as healthy as possible when the time came (he has depression). I officially started the legal process this past fall and we divorced in April. 

I am not saying that to be flippant about any advice you have been given (lots of really good advice), but do know there are plenty of divorces that are amicable. I will always care for him, and he will me. Part of me giving him a few years to process, was because he needed time. I just needed to not be married to him any longer. Because of the mediation, I am sure I ended up with some more assets in one way that was important to me, and he ended up with some more in others that were more important to him. But all in all...we both ended up with more since we didn't involve attorneys. 

 

((((((HUGS))))))

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13 hours ago, I talk to the trees said:

Thankfully, dd is in college and if all goes well, and the Covid cases don’t surge again, she should have a sort of normal senior year on campus. Everyone is saying to get a lawyer, but what if that backfires and he really is serious about just waiting until dd has graduated? I don’t want to be the aggressive b1tch who ruins the only normal college year dd will have. 

Get a lawyer and have a consultation at the very least. His timeline works for HIM, not you and not DD. You don't have to act on anything but make sure someone who is ONLY CONSIDERING YOUR NEEDS gives you advice. 

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It does get better. I don't know when it stopped for me and two years out and I still have my moments, but it does get better. I remember when I'd be leaving work and driving to pick up my kids from school. Every day, I was guaranteed to cry for the whole commute. It was hard holding it in all day at work, and I wanted to stop before the kids saw me. 

I think you are actually going through one of the harder parts right now, since you were still hopeful as of yesterday. It is still extremely raw for you. 

I took a lot of Ativan during that time. If you are not opposed, consider talking to a doctor (my primary care doc was great) about the situation. I could just feel a big ugly cry coming on in public--my go-to stress response--and took an Ativan instead, and it took the edge off. And it will help you sleep. 

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I can’t tell you the number of men who assure their wives that they aren’t in a rush and that they don’t need to do anything drastic like get a lawyer but it’s all hogwash.  A friend of mine believed her husband, didn’t get a lawyer or separate finances and her husband ran up >$200k in debt that year, figuring that he would be able to pay martial debt with marital assets.  It almost cost her all of her equity in their their home.  Another friend was told that by her husband and he went out and hired a men’s rights type lawyer right away to try and avoid owing her any alimony whatsoever (he was c-suite at a tech giant, she’d given up a very high paying career to raise their kids) and he tried to claim 1/2 of her inheritance from her folks.  If they say you don’t need to get a lawyer, that’s a good sign you probably do need to get a lawyer.    

Consult a lawyer, start getting your financial house in order to split.  Don’t do anything that would be considered hiding or squandering assets but it’s ok to get a separate account and start setting aside funds in it so long as you don’t move all the joint funds there.  

Edited by LucyStoner
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34 minutes ago, LucyStoner said:

I can’t tell you the number of men who assure their wives that they aren’t in a rush and that they don’t need to do anything drastic like get a lawyer but it’s all hogwash.  A friend of mine believed her husband, didn’t get a lawyer or separate finances and her husband ran up >$200k in debt that year, figuring that he would be able to pay martial debt with marital assets.  It almost cost her all of her equity in their their home.  Another friend was told that by her husband and he went out and hired a men’s rights type lawyer right away to try and avoid owing her any alimony whatsoever (he was c-suite at a tech giant, she’d given up a very high paying career to raise their kids) and he tried to claim 1/2 of her inheritance from her folks.  If they say you don’t need to get a lawyer, that’s a good sign you probably do need to get a lawyer.    

Consult a lawyer, start getting your financial house in order to split.  Don’t do anything that would be considered hiding or squandering assets but it’s ok to get a separate account and start setting aside funds in it so long as you don’t move all the joint funds there.  

I have seen this, too, several times.  I have a friend whose husband withdrew and spent his entire 401K, their only wealth other than their home, without her knowing about it, in the two years before he asked for the divorce.  He did this only to prevent her from getting any of it, since he had a career but she did not.  She is starting over from scratch in her 50s economically.  It’s shameful and quite common.

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1 hour ago, LucyStoner said:

If they say you don’t need to get a lawyer, that’s a good sign you probably do need to get a lawyer.

THIS!!!!!!!

Getting a lawyer is not a b!tch move, it is protecting your rights and property. Getting a lawyer isn't the same as getting a divorce either. Getting a lawyer just means that you are finding out what you are and are not entitled to and what is required in your state to get a divorce. For example, my parents had to be legally separated and maintain separate households for a year before they could even file for divorce in the state they were in. When I got divorced in a different state, the whole process of just the divorce itself was done in 5 months. It varies a lot from state to state.

A b!tch move is telling someone you want a divorce but then try to tell them what they should and shouldn't do about it. He doesn't have to know that you are interviewing lawyers (yes, not only should you talk to a lawyer, you should talk to more than one to find one that you work well with). If he wants a divorce, what you do with your time is no longer his business as of the moment he uttered those words. Even if you do want to try to reconcile, he doesn't have to know that you have done your homework for the worst case scenario right now.

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It’s like being a scout - Be Prepared!!!  Doing your homework and knowing your options is SMART!

Don’t let him make you feel guilty for choices he is making!

Anne  

 

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Never assume that he doesn’t know exactly how much money you have. Never assume that he hasn’t been squirreling away money for years in preparation for this.

Never assume that he hasn’t already seen a lawyer. He is the one who wants this separation, so I will guarantee you that he knows exactly what he’s doing and has planned every possible aspect of this divorce. If he is delaying, it’s because his lawyer told him it’s to his financial advantage to do so. This is NOT about his love and concern for your dd. This is about MONEY.

The fact that he keeps mentioning your dd’s age leads me to wonder if there is a financial advantage for you and your dd if you were to file for divorce right now, instead of waiting as long as he wants to wait.

You need to find out what is financially best for your and your dd, and the only way to do that is to find the best possible barracuda of a lawyer who will look out for your interests. 

Try to put the emotion out of his and look at this as a business deal. I know it’s hard to think that way, but you really need to try. What you do right now can affect your financial security for decades to come. You want to be the one calling the shots. You don’t want to be the one playing catch-up when your husband suddenly springs divorce papers on you (and he will.)

Sending lots of hugs and support. 

 

 

 

Edited by Catwoman
I accidentally quoted and wanted to remove it right away!
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